65. Operation 008 Tyranno to Capture the Loser-Loser Spy!
"Doctor! Lion! Where are you!"
I'm dashing around like my soles are on fire.
"Doctor! Stop hiding and come out already! Ugh, seriously! She's always lurking around like the total loser Doctor, but today of all days, she's nowhere in sight! Get out here!"
Riding the momentum, I blabbed a ton of lies to that total loser Hypnosis Aunt. But what could I do? She was the first person besides Lion and Doctor to actually listen to me seriously.
When I suggested, "Let's make giant candy rain from the sky to rot all the kids' teeth, then install emotion-energy absorbers at the dentists," everyone except Doctor and Lion wouldn't even glance my way.
When I pitched, "Swap Yoplait lids for a special material that wipes off all the yogurt, frustrating people who can't lick it and sucking up their emotion energy," or "Remove the ham flavor from spicy ramyeon," those loser villains just opposed me—do they have no vision, or are their brains missing?
No matter how I think about it, those were the optimal ways to harvest emotion energy! Yoplait lids with zero yogurt. Ramyeon minus the ham taste. Kids with rotten teeth from candy rain. All genius schemes for gathering energy, but these losers couldn't recognize Tyranno-sama's brilliance.
Of course, it's not that I hate Doctor or Lion... but still, it'd be nice to have more minions who actually listen to me.
And now, finally, I've got a subordinate who takes me seriously! Sure, she's a total loser among losers, the woof-woof pathetic Hypnosis Aunt, but a minion's a minion!
So I ended up spilling way too much without thinking... The problem? I don't even know who the spy is, what their goal is, or if they even exist! I have no clue about that stuff! The loser spies are so utterly pathetic that Doctor nabs them all before I even have to lift a finger! I know nothing about that side of things!
If she finds out I lied... my mind paints a nightmare.
-Heh, hehehe... T-Tyranno-sama... y-you're a total l-loser, huh...
-No! I'm not a loser!
-N-no you're not... l-lying to your minion like a p-pathetic loser... totally hopeless... n-not even smart...!
-I am smart! Tyranno's super smart! Tyranno's brain is top-tier! IQ 180 and all!
-That's IQ, not IP... pfft, hahaha! Loser! Total loser! Puh-ki-puh-ki♥
"Ughhh..."
I can't bear to watch that scene with my own two eyes!
"Where the hell is that loser Doctor hiding! You here maybe?"
I spot one of Doctor's labs and barge in. Jars float with creepy fairy taxidermy and rainbow-horned pony specimens—this is her biochemical research room. Where she cooks up Darkness's proud bioweapons: the "Bite-to-Become-Mesugaki Virus," "Turn-Into-a-Kid Gas," "TS Ray Gun," and other terrifying stuff.
"Doctor? Lion? You guys in here?"
Unlike my death-sprint through Darkness HQ, the loser cat and loser Doctor are both right here.
"What're you losers doing? Spying something weird?"
These two pervs are huddled around a massive desk in the middle of the room, surrounded by those gross floating specimens. Figured they were watching some shady video, so I snuck up to tease 'em. Nope, nothing juicy—just chatting.
"Tyranno's here? What's up."
Lion's licking her glossy black fur with her tongue.
"Loser cat finally back in cat mode after ages? You're always human-shaped lately."
"Just felt like cat today. What, wanna see human me? I can shift."
Er... no need to go that far. Before I can stop her, Lion starts transforming.
"Hey, aren't you being too obvious? Shifting right in front of him the second he walks in."
Doctor, sitting across from Lion, chimes in.
"Obvious? How?"
"Eh... whatever, play dumb if you want."
What's that supposed to mean, loser Doctor?
While they chat, Lion's shift wraps up quick.
"Whew, done."
She was buck-naked as a cat before. Now she's lounging in black dolphin pants and a white tank top. She crosses her model-slim legs, thighs squishing with pale flesh spilling out.
"Human form suits you better, huh? Shifts are faster each time, no real hassle anymore."
"Eh, it's alright."
"Of course. Who did the surgery? Perfect as always."
Oh crap. No time for these two losers to flirt.
"That's not the point, losers! Huge, massive trouble!"
"What, mint choco factory collapse or something?"
That'd be disastrous too. If the mint choco plant crumbled, it'd scream Illuminati conspiracy to shatter world peace. Wait, no—focus!
I spill the whole mess to loser Doctor and loser cat: buying ten meat-mint pies for the kid whose mom was hurt; nearly eating one but Hypnosis Aunt saved me; her great reactions got me hyped, so I blabbed everything—including lying about a spy lurking in Darkness.
"What do I do? If that loser Hypnosis Aunt finds out, she'll think I'm not smart!"
"Tch, seems less like 'think' and more like fact..."
"Shut it, loser kitty!"
Me, not smart? Or dumb? As if!
"So what do you wanna do, Tyranno? Clear up her misunderstanding? Or catch a real spy to prove you were right?"
"Obviously, snag a real spy and shove it in her face that Tyranno-sama was correct."
Best outcome ever. Darkness gets a spy bust—win. I save face with loser Hypnosis Aunt—win. She gets the honor of serving Tyranno-sama's clan—win-win!
"But there's no way a real spy exists. Not with genius Tyranno-sama and loser Doctor guarding Darkness."
Finding a spy here is like hunting sand on a beach—impossible.
"They do, though?"
Doctor says it like it's nothing.
"...Huh?"
"Spies exist. From the Magical Girl Association, other Darkness branches, random info-thieves. Right, Lion?"
Lion nods casually at Doctor's question.
"Yeah. Spies are around. Plenty infiltrating and operating in Darkness right now."
What?! I thought our security was decent at least. Total loser security?!
"Why let 'em roam? Why? Spies are bad guys! Just zap and nab 'em!"
Sure, magical girls seem "good" and us Darkness "evil"... but Tyranno-sama can't be evil, right? So we're the good ones. Anyway.
"Various reasons. Too annoying to deal with, better to let 'em fatten the herd then purge at once, useful for leaking fake intel, killer for audit-season performance reviews, perfect for screwing over other branches, and did I mention annoying?"
Doctor ticks off fingers. Basically, too lazy to act. Wage-thief! Salary Sherlock!
"All annoying? Heh, loser Doctor♥ Breathing's annoying too, huh♥ Why not quit and crawl in a coffin♥?"
"Timing's right for harvest season anyway. These spies are like sweet potatoes—plant 'em, they lure in contacts or pave ways for new infiltrators. Grow 'em big, then uproot for audits."
"Whoa..."
Even for a loser Doctor, this is...
"If you'd caught 'em proper, no poaching or new spies, right?"
Doctor's farming spies? Makes her basically a spy herself!
"Eh... yeah. But adults got their reasons. Root 'em out from day one, they sneak in with wild methods—exhausting. Better to control and contain. And hey? If I don't play loose, you'd suffer most, Tyranno. Got it?"
Hm... "play loose"? Dunno what that means, but if loser Doctor insists, must be key. Play loose... road? Karaya bi? Next time we meet, enemies? Whatever.
"Anyway, pick one from the bunch—time to eat. I'll tip you off on one; grab it with that Hypnosis Aunt chick."
"For real? Then I'm 008 Tyranno, Spy Hunter!"
"Eh... close enough."
"Yesss!"
Problem solved! Time to flaunt Tyranno-sama's executive swagger and coolness to loser Hypnosis Aunt!
"Doctor. Even so, sending Tyranno with just Hypnosis Aunt? Risky. Catching spies is tough work—adding him...?"
I'm bouncing with joy when Lion pipes up to Doctor.
"Hmph! Worry not, loser cat. Tyranno-sama goes thwack with the whip! Shwip! Shwip! Zap-zap! And the total loser spy goes kyaaagh!—foiled!"
"Yeah, it's a total loser spy—no worries."
loser Doctor ruffles my hair wildly.
"Hey, loser Doctor! You're messing up my hair!"
Not that I styled it much, but I did check the mirror a few times!
"Who said just you two? You're coming too."
"Eh, was planning that anyway."
Loser cat tagging along? Awesome. Historic moment—my precious loser-loser minions #1 and #2 unite!
Wonder what to do first with the full loser-loser minion series?
"Doctor. That Hypnosis Aunt...?"
"I know. No hard proof, but she's fishy, right? That's why you're backup."
Actually, with two loser-loser minions, I've got something fun in mind...
"She defected from the magical girl side, yeah? I'll pick someone with zero girl connections for safety. Watch for sus vibes and report back. Got it?"
"Lion! Carry me and loser Hypnosis Aunt in a sedan chair!"
Like in those Joseon dramas—wanna try it!
We rough out the plan and head to the hall, me and Lion.
"Hey."
"What?"
Weird... Lion's voice sounds scary. Imagination?
"Where'd you sneak off last night?"
Eh?