2. Loser Doctor♥ Fairy Country
Fairy Country. Our Darkness headquarters and the source of us fairies' power. What was it again? Human emotions...? Some kind of soul-stirring reaction...? Something that bridges reality and unreality...? Doctor explained it to me last time, but I forgot. No way a genius like me would forget something important, so it must not have been important anyway. Whatever. It's the hometown of this great villain Tyranno-nim, so it's obviously an awesome, cool place. Even if it wasn't originally cool, it's cool now because I was born here! You know how famous people's houses are preserved as birthplaces? Yeah, it's like that.
"Doctor! Loser Doctor! I'm back!"
I hop through the dimensional gate looking for Doctor. Weird. Our loser Doctor is such a pathetic gamer otaku shut-in that she'd never step outside the house. Where is she? Of all times, I actually need that loser right now.
"Loser Doctor♥ Loser Doctor♥"
"Meow!"
No sign of the loser Doctor I called for, but a pitch-black cat raises a paw at me.
"Hey. Hey. Where's Doctor?"
I poke the cat with the tip of my shoe, and it irritably swats my shoe away with its paw.
"Doctor's in a meeting right now."
This cat, with its lion-like mane around its neck like it thinks it's a lion, is Lion, the fairy cat Doctor made. I gave it the perfect name "loser cat", but it hated it and insisted on Lion because it's a descendant of the king of beasts, the lion. What a picky loser cat. Lion in English is lion, not tiger, you idiot cat. And yet, in this end-of-the-world madness, this dumb cat somehow ended up as my familiar—a honor way above its station. To serve as my familiar, it should be at least a legendary horned horse like Pegasus or a winged unicorn. A loser cat like this? Man, I'm too nice for my own good.
"Heh. Doctor, who plays nothing but lewd games every day, in a meeting? Even a loser Doctor is still a doctor, I guess♥ But she's still a loser♥"
"Doctor's an adult. Don't talk about her like that."
The loser cat must have some loser telepathy, 'cause it really likes Doctor.
"Yeah, yeah. Thanks a ton, you tiny speck of dust♥"
"Lion isn't small. Lion is big."
"Loser's lying again♥ Loser loser♥ Not even a mouthful for a Samoyed, you loser♥ Just accept that you're small♥"
"One day, you'll get a knuckle flick for that."
Lion raises a paw at me and pointedly extends its middle claw. As if a tiny paw like that could hurt even a little with its kitty knuckle flick.
"Anyway, did you get the thing I asked for?"
"Oh, right. Here."
It pulls a black plastic bag from its pouch. Lion paws at me urgently like "gimme now."
"No idea what's so great about this weird grass."
I pointedly drop the plastic bag on the floor.
"There. A gift your great Tyranno-nim personally fetched from the human world. Take it with three bows and nine kowtows."
"It's not three bows and nine kowtows. It's three prostrations and nine head-knocks."
"Loser cat, now your brain's loser-level too♥ It's three bows and nine kowtows, not whatever-three♥ I'm never wrong, dummy dummy♥"
"Sigh. That thick skull must have a brain smaller than my peanut. Whatever, thanks... Meow?"
Lion lifts the bag and freezes mid-sentence. Must be so it can't even speak. Yeah, like a total nerd virgin getting Pocky from the hottest guy in school.
"Wh-what is this?"
"What else? Perilla leaves, like you begged me to get."
"No, you idiot!"
"Eek!"
Why... why are you yelling? You scared me!
"These are perilla leaves! Perilla leaves! For ssam wraps!"
"Yeah, perilla leaves. That's what you asked for."
"I said catnip! Catnip! Not perilla leaves!"
"Yeah, perilla leaves. See?"
"Aaaargh, you thick-headed moron! I'm gonna flick you so hard! Not letting this slide today!"
Yikes. This loser dares talk back to its master?
"What're you on about, loser? You messed up and now you're mad at me♥ Loser♥ Loser♥"
"Hoo... Seriously. Mark my words. Someday I'll flick that skull bald."
"When? Huh? When? Now? Tomorrow? What time? What minute? What second?"
"Urghhh..."
Can't even respond to my perfect comeback, loser♥ The loser cat clutches its neck and collapses. Leave the drama-queen loser and go find Doctor.
"Loser Doctor! Loser Doctor! Weird. Where'd this loser go?"
I've been looking for five whole minutes, no loser Doctor. This is abnormal. Super duper abnormal. I, of all people, personally searching for Doctor, and no response? Something must've happened to her! One of those pineapple pizzas she was making turned into a man-eating plant! I told her not to make weird crap like that—make a mint-choco milk cow instead!
"Loser Doctor, you alive? Not too hurt, right? I need you."
Upper body's probably fine.
"Hey, Doctor. My feet are starting to hurt. Come out already. Oh, here?"
Walking the hall, I spot a slightly ajar door. Big monitors everywhere—room I hate. Murmuring voices inside. Doctor maybe? Peeking through, Doctor's in front of a huge monitor, explaining something. On the screen, a girl with slicked-back black hair sits in a gaudy chair, listening. Fake black mustache, looks weird. Red fabric and gold-decorated throne. Banner behind her reads:
"For the Paradise of Fairy Country!"
"Lately, rumors about the Darkness Korea Branch aren't good. Performance is down from last year. What's going on, branch manager? Has your loyalty to the Party changed?"
The girl on the monitor says. Heh. Loser Doctor's getting chewed out. Can't even do her job right, loser♥ Dummy♥ Idiot♥
"No! No, Stalinna Great Secretary-General Leader Supreme Commander Marshal! Just give me a little more time, and I'll show results!"
Doctor bows repeatedly in response.
"Yeah, yeah. Work hard. Effort is key. Got it? Effort! Alright, that's it."
"Yes! Farewell!"
Monitor flicks off, and Doctor slumps into her chair like all strength left her.
"Phew. That shitty mustache. But that buys me this year. One more year to slack. Heh heh heh heh."
"Thought loser Doctor was finally working, but she just got reamed♥ Total loser♥ NEET♥ Complete incompetent♥"
I burst in, and Doctor greets me with dead-fish eyes from exhaustion. All-night gaming does that. Lab coat stained with coffee and reagents, long brown hair to her waist—this is our Doctor. Branch manager of Darkness Korea Branch, creator of me, contributor to humanity's happiness boost. Nobel Peace Prize-level talent.
"Loser single-mom stench all the way here♥ Why not wash up♥"
Others call her intellectual beauty or whatever, but to me, she's just a dark-circle-down-to-her-knees gamer otaku shut-in.
"Oh, you're back. What do you want? I'm tired enough without you making it worse."
Hmm, she does look beat. Time to inject some fresh, fun energy into her pathetic life.
"Doctor. I lost my whip."
A special experience where she works for me!
"What?"
Loser Doctor, now even her ears and brain are loser-level. Her one redeeming trait was smarts.
"I lost my whip, I said."
"What? Wait, what? You know how much that costs...? Ugh, urgh."
Heh, loser Doctor clutches her neck and collapses too♥ Same as the loser cat♥ Losers stick together♥ Loser loser♥
"Hey! You know how much that costs?! Hell, it's not even something money can buy! Think the materials are street trash?!"
"Eek!"
Loser... talking back?!
"B-but I had no choice! She snatched it from behind! No time to react!"
I pour out my torn-heart, tragic sorrow. How scary it was! Not knowing how terrifying that Gold Sun looked!
"Hmm... Not left somewhere, but stolen by someone?"
"Yeah!"
"Think with that peanut brain again. Didn't forget it on the subway or at a convenience store?"
"No way! A genius like me wouldn't lose a whip like that!"
It's not an umbrella! Sure, I left one on the subway three days ago, but that's different! Someone stole my memory! 'Cause a genius like me doesn't forget!
"Really?"
Finally understanding my injustice!
Doctor props her chin, deep in thought.
"Someone sneaky enough to ambush Tyranno with the whip and steal it. That skilled? Hold on."
Doctor sits at the computer.
"Tyranno. Describe that magical girl."
"Hmng♥ Is that how you ask people nicely?"
"I'm busy. Hurry!"
"Eek! Uh, well, like..."
Uh, uhhh, what was it? Doctor yelling messed up my memory.
"She had, uh, tan skin. Blonde hair. Taller than me. Huge boobs, red eyes, and, uh... Oh! Super thug-looking!"
Panicking, words tumble out messy.
"Blonde... tanned... thug... Ah, found her."
Doctor shows me hacked data from the Magical Girl Association database.
>Geum Taeyang (Gold Sun) - Official Profile
> Rank: #1 Magical Girl
"This her?"
The database screen shows a photo of Gold Sun, the whip-thief herself. Neat suit like a new hire, but can't hide that Gold Sun aura.
"Yeah, that's her! That bitch!"
My whip's sworn enemy!
Doctor's face twists a bit.
"You picked the wrong fight. Headache."
"Huh? Why?"
We know who, so just go take it back? Even scary Gold Sun is still a loser.
Three new ultimate Dark Magic Punches should drop her.
"Let's see. Real name: Chae Sua. From Seoul, Korea. Official rank #1 Magical Girl of the Korean Magical Girl Association. The undisputed strongest."
"Huh?"
"Started as magical girl 3 years ago. Top 20 in one year. Human weapon who hit the peak in 2 years."
Wha?
"Wow, resume's flashy. Three digits of villains taken down? That's just logged ones over a certain level—trash mobs make it two, three times that."
Now even I get the gravity. That Gold Sun, no, Chae Sua, is a way stronger loser than I thought.
"No way even my Dark Magic Punch isn't enough...!"
Time to rush Super Ultimate Dark Magic Punch development!
"So, Doctor, what now?"
"Tch. No choice. Need new weapon tests anyway. Chae Sua's combat data too. Got a prototype in storage. Use that for now. And no matter what, get the whip back from Chae Sua. Do you know what that thing is...?"
Ugh, don't wanna see her again.
"Doctor, can't you just make a new one...?"
"No way. Can't just whip one up."
Doctor pokes my nose with her finger.
"Listen. Get that whip back, no matter what."
First time seeing Doctor this firm.
"Just in case, hypothetically... what if I can't...?"
"Then what? We'll lose one exec, oh well."
Oh shit! The whip's that important?! Lose an exec over it? Darkness Korea Branch only has me and Doctor as execs! No way Tyranno-nim, humanity's treasure, gets fired. So that means Doctor gets axed! No! If pathetic loser Doctor loses this job, she'll starve to death! Sigh. No helping it. Tyranno-nim's gotta save loser Doctor from starving.
"Don't worry, Doctor. I'll definitely get the whip back. No need to fret about getting fired."
"?"
Doctor looks confused. Even a pathetic dummy Doctor can't be left to starve! She's lucky! Working with someone this kind and great!