Chapter 44
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 44
Chapter Title: You're the Biggest Crybaby Among the People I Know
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Chaewon collapsed.
It was a suicide attempt.
Can you come?
During the not-so-short five-minute call, the words her aunt had heard from Chaewon were long, but all that stuck in her mind was that.
From Bundang to Songpa.
Not a far distance—even by public transport, it took about an hour.
He grabbed a taxi right away.
Soonam Asan Hospital.
About thirty minutes to get there.
Even knowing it was the fastest way, it felt agonizingly slow.
Why?
Vancouver. We'd promised to go together just yesterday.
She'd clearly told me to wait patiently.
And I'd promised her I would.
Smiling as we made that promise.
Why on earth—
When he snapped back to reality, the taxi driver's request for his card finally registered.
A young guy lost in his thoughts.
With a final tsk of pity, he headed straight into the hospital.
The first floor was packed with people.
No time for deeper impressions than that.
He took the elevator to the seventh floor.
Met her aunt.
She burst into tears the moment she saw him.
I'm sorry. Telling a kid with college entrance exams coming up something like this.
I shouldn't have said anything during such an important time.
Her aunt's words and expression were filled with self-blame and lamentation.
The hospital's stark white interior. The smell of alcohol.
Sparsely lit lights to save power.
A space thick with gloom, no sunlight.
Silence so heavy it was hard to breathe.
Your name on the hospital room door.
...Why did I even come here?
Everything before his eyes felt alien and awkward.
His mind went blank again.
What is this...? No matter how I think about it, I can't understand.
Why are you here?
You looked fine.
Just yesterday, we were talking normally.
I knew it, but I didn't... I didn't know...
—Haa.
He swallowed a heavy sigh and asked in a hoarse voice.
Can I go in alone?
Her aunt forced a smile and nodded.
He slid the door open and stepped inside.
A spacious room for one person.
Sofa, table, TV, fridge—furniture like a hotel.
Modern Nordic-style interior.
Even a wide-open view of the Han River.
Utterly unlike the hallway view.
"...Ah."
But seeing something forcibly bridging that gap made him lick his dry lips.
The heart monitor beeping rhythmically.
Three or four IV lines he couldn't identify stabbed into her thin arm, as if gnawing at her life. An oxygen tube plugged into her pale face, like something from a drama.
The faint mist from the humidifier stole his sense of time.
He stared blankly at you lying there in patient clothes.
"...Han Chaewon?"
...Is this really you, the one I know?
It took forever just to comprehend that.
No.
It's so obvious anyone would know it's you—crystal clear, intuitively you—that it's impossible to accept.
Suicide. Can't believe you carried that pain.
"Hey, wake up."
A dry, cracked voice.
He barely got the words out and gazed at you endlessly.
"Didn't you say you were going on a family trip? Hanging out with the members? You... we're supposed to go to Vancouver together."
He forced out his voice again.
No reply.
"Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this?"
He frowned, shaking his head repeatedly.
No reply.
"Why on earth—"
No reply.
"—."
Everything crumbled.
R. Emotions. Beliefs. Values.
All the worth and meaning he'd devoted his life to collapsed and swept away in an instant, and countless thoughts flooded in.
Why. Were you the one left in the darkest moment?
Idol. True to the name meaning object of worship, you always had to fulfill people's fantasies.
The time spent as Ever's Han Chaewon stole away the time to just be human Han Chaewon.
No time to even breathe.
Why. Couldn't I recognize this about you?
You'd asked for help so many times.
I'd vaguely sensed those signals too.
Yes. It's my fault.
My fault entirely for brushing off the signals you gave, no matter how faintly.
I could have asked if you were okay one more time... listened just a bit more...
That negligence of mine hurt you this badly.
But. Thinking that way, I resent you too.
Why. Didn't you tell me you needed help?
If you were this cornered, with death as your desperate choice, you could've screamed you wanted to live just once.
If you'd even thought of me, who likes you so much, you wouldn't have done this without me.
...No. I'm just pathetic.
Why. Couldn't I do anything for you?
I said I liked you. Loved you.
That you were my destiny.
A guy who spouts that crap but can't even grasp the pain of the person he loves—I'm just a worthless piece of shit.
Utterly irredeemable human failure.
If I'd been someone you could rely on even a little more, someone even a bit more precious to you...
Would I be seeing you collapsed like this?
Someone who's nice when things are easy. Useless when it hurts.
Can't love or be loved. Unreliable incompetent.
That's why—
"...What first love?"
All those thoughts converged.
There was only deep guilt and self-reproach.
"Not knowing you'd break this badly—what the hell is love?"
He dropped to his knees.
For the first time in his life, he clasped his hands.
"I won't say I like you anymore. I won't like you at all."
He prayed.
For the first time, he sought God.
"...It's my fault."
Enter through the narrow gate, as it says.
The narrow gate to salvation.
If the trial to pass through is not loving you...
"Me. It's my fault, Chaewon."
He vowed never to leave you suffering alone again.
To listen to any words, to think of your feelings one more time, to become a mature person.
To look first, to reach out...
For you flailing in a sea of pain, he'd gladly dive into that sea.
So.
"Don't leave me..."
He'd humbly accept it.
Sobbing, he murmured.
He knew well enough now he had no right to love you.
He deeply realized he couldn't be someone who loves and is loved.
So please, just open your eyes safely.
He repeated it, over and over.
"...Ah."
A reply came.
"...Han Chaewon?"
He wiped his tears hastily, eyes wide.
Her hollow eyes, not yet grasping the situation, and her parched gasp.
He gazed steadily into those eyes, voice gentle.
"Do you know who I am?"
A brief pause.
Then a nod.
"You know. Good."
He was thrilled.
Insanely happy.
"...Sleep well, Chaewon?"
He smiled brightly.
+++
College entrance exams were over, and the interviews went smoothly.
Most third-years who'd finished showed up in the morning and headed straight home, spending their remaining days that way.
Meanwhile, he didn't even stamp his attendance at school.
His position and image built over three years, plus likely Seoul University admission, had the principal granting favors.
Of course, all legal accommodations, and not just him—several top students hadn't come to school for over a week.
"Where do you even find a friend like this."
In other words, he too hadn't gone to school for over a week since exams ended.
He chuckled and waved.
"...Why'd you become the live-in guardian?"
"Auntie asked me, and I said okay?"
"What about me?"
"You said okay too. Backing out now?"
"I didn't mean for you to actually become the live-in guardian if you came every day..."
Irritated expression, curt reply.
But knowing the hidden feelings were apology and gratitude...
"Would Auntie have given this to you?"
"...Tteokbokki?"
"Whew, hard to get."
He smiled like any other day.
Panic disorder and bipolar disorder.
The typical mental illnesses tormenting celebrities.
In just a few weeks, he'd pored over a specialist book and papers to understand.
What had hurt you so badly, and what he could do for you.
"How's your mood today?"
He asked naturally as you nibbled tteokbokki bit by bit.
For those deep in depression, especially after attempting suicide, today—not yesterday or tomorrow—is what's unbearable.
So this very moment of today is crucial for them.
If they can just live through today, think it's okay...
Gratitude for being alive will come someday.
Since you woke, he'd asked this every single day without fail.
"...Why do you keep asking that?"
Today, you were a bit more sensitive than usual.
"You think I'd feel good with you stuck here...?"
Appetite gone, you slammed the fork down irritably.
Pretending unshaken, he forced a smile.
"I've told you so many times. Yumin, you don't have to come anymore."
"..."
"Go hang out with your friends instead? Why won't you... just leave me alone."
A hesitant bitter remark, sharp glare full of displeasure.
"I can handle it. But you keep doing this, and I feel more pathetic. Like I'm nothing...!"
"—."
"It makes me feel like I'm breaking more."
Rough breaths she couldn't hold back.
Harsh words he'd never heard from you since knowing you—he swallowed.
You seemed utterly unaffected.
Even harsh words from you, who hates hurting others most, felt like nothing to you. Like you truly believed you were ruining you.
"Your eyes."
If only your resentful eyes hadn't wavered.
"After saying that, you're still so careless, Han Chaewon."
Smiling faintly, he fished the fork from the broth.
Grabbed a new one, dipped tteokbokki, handed it with the plate.
"I believe you can overcome it. You're stronger than anyone. But do you know?"
Met your eyes squarely.
"You're the biggest crybaby among the people I know."
"..."
"Cooldown's up, so cry it out. You're an idol, so I won't spread rumors. Isn't that what childhood friends are for?"
Shrugged, drew the curtain, cracked the window.
Cold winter wind rushed in, slapping his face.
"I'll close it after the bathroom. Till then, get some fresh air. Gotta adapt before going outside, right?"
"..."
"Oh, right. My mood's good today, by the way. Found ten thousand won in this coat. Bought this with it. Yeah."
Chuckle, said he'd be right back, left the room.
Passed the hall, ignored the men's room.
"...Good job. You did well enough."
Slipped into the stairwell, exhaled sharply.
Leaned on the wall, eyes closed, finally released the held-back emotions.
「It makes me feel like I'm breaking more.」
Cold tone, piercing glare.
No matter how much in anger, undeniable fact to him.
"It's my fault... my fault..."
He knew it too well.