Chapter 43
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 43
Chapter Title: If I Really Loved You
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I ran blindly without knowing why, only to see the finish line right in front of me once I snapped out of it—the CSAT.
Most high school students dreaming of college probably have a few moments like that.
They think they've just been living their school days one by one, but suddenly they find themselves sitting in the exam room, pencils in hand, solving problems.
I was no different, with the CSAT just four weeks away.
The idea that twelve years would be judged in a single day felt futile, but even more so, it hit me that this was just one more test among the countless ones I'd taken before.
I just needed to tackle it calmly, at my own pace, like always.
Take it easy and work through the problems one by one.
Looking back, I'd built those twelve years with that mindset, but my childhood friend surely hadn't.
Days where she'd open her eyes to new records being set.
If she cut back on sleep. If she increased her sweating hours. If she exposed herself to more content.
All those assumptions piled up, carving a new mark in the entertainment world. Back then, "do your best" wasn't just advice for her—it was demanded as a given.
Always smiling, always kind, embodying an idol's essence: shining on stage, pouring every ounce of effort into fulfilling fans' fantasies.
Rest? That could wait until after she'd achieved it all.
——What a joke.
"Minah, can you come meet me?"
No one can live every moment giving their all.
Let's meet at that spot we used to play at all the time.
The moment the call ended, I grabbed my jacket and left the study room.
It was nearing 1 a.m. already.
The late autumn air felt unusually chilly.
About a twenty-minute walk away.
I had three good reasons not to run, but the second the traffic light changed, my legs were pounding the pavement.
The lifeless voice I'd heard every time we talked on the phone.
The meaningful phrases that popped up in her texts now and then.
The lonely smile I'd seen back in February, our last meeting.
Those were three reasons I needed to see her as soon as possible.
"Did you... run here?"
Her eyes widened in surprise.
The moment she saw my face, she got up from the swing, looking dazed, and said that. I caught my breath and gave a light smile.
"Long time no see, Chaewon."
She was more welcome than I'd worried.
"...Yeah. It's been forever. Long time no see, Minah."
You nodded with an awkward smile.
The night sky swallowing even the starlight.
A smile just as dark.
I missed you——.
I wrestled with myself a thousand times in an instant, wondering if I had the right to voice those feelings, but in the end, I said nothing.
What mattered now wasn't my emotions—it was yours.
I couldn't risk losing you when you seemed so fragile, on the verge of vanishing. That naive, pathetic version of me believed it without a doubt.
"Not cold...?"
Your reddened fingertips and ears.
The jacket that looked too thin to me.
I couldn't just hand you mine without asking, so I phrased it indirectly...
"The moon's so pretty, isn't it?"
You looked away from me, up at the night sky.
The tilted crescent moon felt exceptionally stark and pitiful that night, but your eyes calling it pretty were breathtakingly beautiful.
I nodded silently.
Back then, that was the distance allowed between us.
"Not busy?"
"I've only been back from the States for about four hours? Off till tomorrow, then schedules start the day after."
"...I see."
Sounds tough. Can't you rest more?
You look so fragile, Chaewon.
I swallowed the words, afraid they might make you seem weaker.
"You're the one who's busy, right, Min? CSAT's coming up soon."
Clueless to my feelings, you flashed that clumsy smile again.
"Not really?"
I could only manage a clumsy smile of my own.
"Honestly, there's nothing left to do at this point. I'm just matching my routine to mimic CSAT day and solving problems."
"Then you should've gone to bed ages ago. I called a busy person..."
"Tomorrow's Saturday. I was planning to study till 1 anyway. And I just said, I'm not busy at all."
"......"
You nodded softly after a silence.
"Why'd you want to meet...?"
I sat on the swing, unable to face your expression.
"Just."
You let out an awkward laugh.
"Just missed you."
I forced an awkward expression.
"Missed you, Yumin."
"......"
"Didn't you miss me?"
You looked at me as you sat on the swing.
Your soft, gentle voice carried on the cold wind made me swallow hard.
Words I'd longed to hear for years. Words I'd wanted to say to you.
That's why it hurt.
"You saw me run here."
No matter how pathetic and emotionally dense I was, those words you said...
"I missed you, friend."
They weren't "I love you."
That much was certain.
"...Minah. Doesn't coming here bring back old memories?"
We traded clichéd stories from the past.
Blurry elementary school days and middle school memories that felt vivid yet slippery.
We both knew this conversation was an empty echo, meaningless, yet neither of us stopped.
She'll open up first, we each thought, naively believing the other would speak before us. Maybe that's how we endured the endless wait.
If we'd been a little more honest in that belief, we wouldn't have grown weary.
So much would have been different.
"...Lately, I feel a bit worn out."
In the end, you were the one who spoke first.
"I waited so long for this as a trainee, but when it actually happened, I couldn't handle it. Overdoing it, maybe? Or maybe my vessel's just too small. I thought as long as I delivered as much as the love I got, it'd be fine, but matching that love turned out harder than I imagined."
"......"
"...No. There are people struggling without any love at all. What kind of spoiled nonsense is this, Han Chaewon?"
Was it pacing? Your faint smile, forcing itself to stay while you wandered restlessly, tore at my heart.
It should have been comfort.
I should empathize with your pain, find a way to heal the wounds...
I didn't know how.
How could someone like me, who'd lived ordinarily, comfort you trapped in all that glamour?
I couldn't believe I, so inept at empathy and solace, could fully express my heart and bring you peace.
If only I were the type to cry alongside a sad movie instead of yawning at the predictable plot.
If only I understood emotions better, instead of hoping others lived rationally.
If only I'd stayed a childish fool, I could've offered even hypocritical, worthless comfort.
"...It's because I haven't properly rested."
Crossing that line was hard.
"So of course it's tough."
Comfort or not, it was ambiguous.
Pathetic as it was, that was my best.
"...Yeah, I've been running nonstop lately. This comeback was especially long."
You gave a wry smile at my cynical words.
I could hear the forced cheer in your exaggerated tone, and clumsily, I realized my response wasn't what you wanted.
...I picked the wrong answer completely.
Frustration and despair flooded my mind in an instant, making me even more timid in my replies.
Better to skip the problem than get it wrong.
A stupid, pathetic choice, but that's how I'd lived—seeing the world through the emotions you'd taught and left me with.
You were my everything.
——So, saying you were my everything meant...
Without the feelings you'd taught me, I couldn't see the world or keep living.
Paradoxically.
"But it's not just me who can't rest. The members, the staff helping us—they're all the same."
"......"
"Thinking that way, maybe I'm just not professional enough..."
"......"
"Right? I just need to push harder?"
Your gaze, which had been fixed on the sky, turned to me.
Your question felt like a child seeking parental approval for every action, ready to change based on my word. I turned away instinctively.
Taking responsibility felt heavy, scary.
So.
"...End of November, I'm free."
I said it indirectly.
"CSAT ends, then two interviews, but even those are on the 22nd, so after that, total freedom."
"......"
"Let's go on a trip. You and me."
I smiled clumsily, looking at you cautiously.
"When I went to Canada last time, it was so pretty. Especially the outskirts—nothing like back home. It was real healing."
"......"
"I went to Toronto, but with you, I want Vancouver. You know it's famous for being gorgeous? Ocean right there. Yeah, the sea. You love looking at the sea, Chaewon. Let's walk with your favorite parfait."
I spilled it all out.
From stories my local friends told me during language study abroad, to Vancouver spots and eateries I'd researched myself, and how we'd get around without your driver's license—me driving, I supposed.
I'd planned two weeks: where to stay, what to do.
Stuff like wanting to try this with you here, or that place having lots you like. Rambling incoherently, even now I barely remember what I said, but it was quite the speech.
I wanted it that badly.
I was an idiot who couldn't comfort for shit, but I wanted you to know I worried about you, that I was by your side even as you seemed about to collapse.
Enough to make those old promises of forgetting and letting go seem like a farce—I realized I still loved you.
"...Yeah. Let's go rest properly, Chaewon."
I hoped desperately my feelings reached you.
That was all.
"...What, are you hitting on me right now?"
A beam of light piercing the darkness. A smile brighter than that.
The first genuine, unburdened laugh I'd seen let me finally ease my worries a bit.
"You going or not? Say it properly."
"Huh? I'm more curious if you're hitting on me or not."
You leaned in with a playful grin, and I found myself looking up at the sky without thinking.
It was past 1 a.m., no streetlights here.
And a chilly, windy night.
Lots to be grateful for.
"You going or not? Answer that first."
A curt voice slipping out to hide my embarrassment.
I rocked the swing back and forth casually...
"I'm an idol, you know. Gotta check my schedule."
You shrugged with a response.
Not a refusal, but it still stung like rejection.
"...Acting like an idol now?"
"I've been a full idol since three years ago? See, even what I'm wearing screams idol."
You stood and spun around, showing off your outfit.
Anyone stylish could pull it off easily, not just idols, but I'd wave it off if told to wear it.
As I gazed blankly at your clothes without thinking.
"How about January?"
You stood before me, smiling faintly.
"...January?"
"Activities wrap end of November. Right after, I'm with Mom and Dad, then end of December, trip with the members domestically. So January with you."
A bit late, but you were saying yes—my heart raced. Still, my face soured stubbornly.
"...Definitely an idol. Can't meet till two months later."
"Sorry noona's busy. Can our sweet Min wait nicely for noona?"
"...Don't treat me like a kid."
I shook my head at your hand naturally stroking my hair, but...
Your touch felt so good, a faint smile crept onto my lips anyway.
I'd missed this.
This time.
Your smile and touch made all those agonizing days fade.
I knew you'd never come back to me, yet this moment was my whole world.
"I'll wait nicely, so..."
First loves never work out.
I knew better than anyone I was no exception.
"Don't go back on it later. I'll really get mad."
I kept wishing you and I were meant to be.
"Minah."
Lost in the tragic hero role, I didn't notice.
"You'll always be by my side, right?"
A wistful smile, an indifferent voice.
What those words truly meant for us.
"...Dunno. Depends if you keep your promise."
I should have thought harder, understood better.
If I really loved you.
"...Hey, wake up."
If I really loved you...
"You're supposed to rest with family. Hang out with the members, and... and you said we'd go to Vancouver together."
This never would've happened.
"Why are you doing this...? Why are you...?"
I could've stopped you from leaving far away.
"Why the hell—."
From trying to die.