Chapter 42
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 42
Chapter Title: Like a Fool
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Like a fool.
"Argh. Hey. If you're gonna live like that, switch lives with me."
April of 2017.
The first friend I made after starting high school said that right off the bat once we got close.
How the hell have you been a lifelong single this whole time?
That was the gist of it.
"You don't know who that senior is?"
"Who?"
"It's Ji-hyo sunbae...! She's from a doctor's family, never lost top of the school once since enrolling—not to mention she's student council president this time too..."
"Stop."
I waved him off, blocking that anime-level character backstory.
Even as I changed into a white short-sleeved tee, Sunwoo was still ranting in his dobok...
Sunwoo, who I hadn't known long yet, didn't realize one thing.
That I tuned out stories like this completely.
"Shouldn't you get to studying? Midterms are coming up soon."
"Shit. How long have we been in school and tests already?"
"Don't complain after slacking off like crazy."
I gave his shoulder a light punch and smirked as I left the dojo.
It was 8 p.m.
The weather still required a coat, even if it was spring.
My steps passed countless people, heading toward the study room—but they weren't all that heavy.
-Hey, high schooler drowning in study hell.
You always called around this time.
"Trainee trapped in practice hell. Things any better these days?"
-Honestly saying this now, but don't become a trainee. Ugh, salad. Ugh, burpees. I wanna eat samgyeopsal toooo.
Your whiny voice cracked me up.
After your debut got confirmed, you went into dorm life—so after starting high school, we barely met at all.
We could use phones, but schedules never lined up. KakaoTalk replies got spotty, and calls were maybe once every few weeks.
-Aaah, wanna go camping with Min. Wanna lie around eating meat you grill.
"Isn't that just you wanting me as your slave?"
-Gasp. Too spot on.
"Han Chaewon here, stirring up controversy right before debut?"
Laughter burst out from both ends.
I'd reached the study room before I knew it, but instead of going in, I stood outside to keep talking.
Back then or now, what mattered most in my life was time with you—and that call after weeks apart felt so precious.
I hoped you felt the same.
Hoped you waited and looked forward to it as much as I did.
I hoped I meant a little more to you.
My timid personality meshed with your pre-debut idol life, letting my first love pass quietly and uneventfully.
-Min-ah, Min-ah!! Did you see the showcase? You did, right? Of course you did!
Before we knew it, we'd reached the end of the year.
The day you became Han Chaewon of Ever and made your name known to the world.
-How was I? I tried my best to do it like in practice. Wasn't weird, right? Looked pretty on screen?
You couldn't calm your excitement easily.
No wonder—it'd been four whole years since starting as a first-year middle school trainee, and you'd finally debuted.
Hearing your voice bubbling with joy like you were flying made me happy too...
But my winter break language program flight to Canada meant it.
My promise to see you dance and sing on stage shattered against reality so easily.
"Sorry. I promised I'd come no matter what."
I didn't want to chat by phone from some airport corner.
-It's okay. Students are supposed to study. I get it, even if it's disappointing. Can't be helped.
"...Honestly, it didn't feel real. The Han Chaewon I know, dancing on stage."
-Me too. Makeup noonas, coordinators, staff... So many people moving in sync for our one stage—it's unreal.
"Tons of fans there too."
-Right?! That's what shocked me most! YouTube only had member teasers and concept promos, but there were way more fans than I thought...!
I didn't want to bum you out, so switching topics brought back your excited voice.
I wanted to talk more, but...
-Min-ah. They're saying we have to move now—
"Chaewon-ah, my flight's almost—
The "us" that had endured a year apart split back into you and me. We had to accept the change.
-...You'll keep in touch from Canada, right?
"Thirteen-hour difference. I'll text whenever. Hit me up if you're bored at night."
-Yeah. Text when you land. See you later, Min-ah.
The call cut off abruptly amid someone's urging voice.
1 minute 14 seconds.
For us, who always talked over 30 minutes, those numbers meant a lot.
...If I leave now, when will I see you again?
The announcement pulled me from my mutterings.
I tore my eyes from the darkened screen and headed to the gate.
Their first single From Ever topped 300,000 first-week sales. Swept 15 music show wins, YouTube views hit 100 million.
Second single Your Idol broke 570,000 first-week, 13 music show wins, topped Melon monthly chart in July, Spotify Global Top 30.
Third single Never hit 1 million first-week, 14 music show wins, Perfect All-Kill across all charts at midnight on October 15th, Billboard Album Chart Top 20.
Debut-year sweeps at MMA (Melon Music Awards), MAMA, AAA (Asia Artist Awards), Golden Disc Awards—Rookie of the Year and Daesang.
2018 after 2017 was truly Ever's year.
Ever songs blared nonstop on streets from New Year's to year's end. They owned brand reputation #1, and every broadcaster fought to cast them, genre be damned.
Of course, all I saw of Chaewon-i's glamorous life was daily news feeds. Turning eighteen to nineteen changed nothing in my routine.
"You're not high school sophomores anymore. Juniors. Exam-takers. Buckle down and study like mad for this year. Don't end up repeating."
Suneung less than a year away.
Knowing I'd live the same school-academy-study room grind for two years past and one to go, our homeroom teacher's nagging fell flat.
More precisely, it didn't move me.
If I kept doing what I'd done for two years for one more, getting into my target school and major was a given.
...It felt suddenly like back to my clownish childhood.
If you'd been by my side, would this stale routine have felt different?
Thoughts like that hit hard during exam season.
Realizing I wasn't smiling much made me miss your smile.
Your mischievous voice—even teasing—would've been nice.
Not idol Han Chaewon on screens, but my childhood friend calling my name.
That ache, and all I could do was send KakaoTalks of your goofy Shorts clips.
It was ridiculous. Weird.
Was "distance makes the heart grow distant" what this meant?
Or did I just miss the carefree days playing without a care?
My heart couldn't find its footing.
The more it shook, the brighter you shone—and the cool people shining beside you caught my eye.
I vowed to wait, to endure—but hating myself for not confessing made me crumble more often.
Denying there was no place for me by you, I'd resolve again...
A regular exam-taker facing Suneung vs. a top idol hitting career highs daily.
Ignoring our widening gap was like covering the sun with my palm.
That's when it clicked.
Time to wake from first love's absurd magic.
Time to let those feelings become memories.
Maybe I'd known and prepared for this long ago.
This wasn't our fault.
———I'd repeated that through February 2019.
"Isn't it too much, turning a casual street greeting into a dating scandal?"
That day still felt far from spring, and it was our first meet in four months.
Your debut bob had grown past your shoulders; the clothes screamed ambassador gifts...
"I've just been working so hard."
That innocent smile carried a shadow I couldn't easily grasp.
"Dating? I've barely slept, working myself to death. Should I film myself in the practice room all day for proof?"
A bitter smile.
Eyes glancing at me, seeking empathy.
Voice plummeting to the ground.
I still can't forget it.
More precisely, my lame "consolation" makes that day unforgettable.
"Sweet flowers attract bugs. Can't be helped."
Can't be helped.
Was getting hate from total strangers you'd never meet really unavoidable?
Was you—the one who never showed hardship—openly seeking comfort truly unavoidable?
The girl I love hurting, and me not empathizing or reaching out—was that really...?
Was any of it truly unavoidable?
It clearly wasn't.
I swallowed my words and gazed at you endlessly.
Yeah. I couldn't empathize.
I hadn't seen your sweat and tears.
Hadn't felt the sharp barbs aimed at you.
Hadn't known the suffocating loneliness hitting alone at home after dazzling crowds.
That's it. So I had nothing to say.
Pretending to understand would've been fake.
After agonizing, my "comfort" was generic: "You're doing great. Hang in there."
Not what you wanted, surely.
I sensed you craved something solid—but feared it'd feel like pity and hurt you, so I couldn't even smile simply.
Then I brushed it off too easily.
You'd bounce back.
The Han Chaewon I knew was strong enough to shrug off today's pain.
I just had to wait.
Believed giving moderate interest, like always, was best.
If you were truly a flower to me.
I watered you just enough, blind to the wilting leaves beside you.
Through winter, spring, summer, fall.
"Min-ah, wanna come see me?"
Until that day arrived, winter approaching again.
Like a fool.