Chapter 41
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 41
Chapter Title: While Chaewon Watches Like That
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Chaewon watched me just like that.
The term "childish clown" wasn't all that inaccurate.
Every family and school had at least one—the obedient, model student. That was my role, and I didn't hate it.
Do what you're told, earn praise. More than anything, it was just my nature.
I had no desire to stand out. Speaking my mind was always tough. Following orders to the letter was far more relaxing.
Timid. Introverted. Passive.
I embraced the childish clown label and played the part of the good kid adults wanted to see.
Even as a child, I instinctively knew no role fit me better.
But when things got unbearable, it was during those major family holidays.
「Looks like our family's about to get another doctor. The little one's already showing real promise.」
「Brother, come on—what're you talking about with a kid just starting elementary school? 」
「Oh, hush. I can tell. You think that kind of focus is easy at his age? Even Go kids can't pull it off like that.」
「If we're getting a doctor in the family, we gotta support it!! Haha!! Yumin, here's some pocket money from your uncle! 」
「Yumin, thank your uncle properly.」
Back then, it was just a given that the whole family gathered for Seollal or Chuseok. Still, I never felt any real closeness.
How was I supposed to see people once or twice a year as family?
For someone like me—who couldn't open my heart easily, with barely any of that "jeong" people talk about—even taking pocket money from boozed-up relatives was a chore.
I resented my parents shoving me forward. And I hated how the relatives would always snap something sour like "no potential" or "not cute at all" right after I mustered the guts to say thanks.
If that's how it's gonna be, just don't give me the money.
If that's how it's gonna be, don't call me over.
I wanted to shout it every time one of those unwanted moments hit, but of course that was impossible.
Force on a smile, then waddle off to hide behind my parents. The age gap with my cousins made it hard to hang out anyway.
I just stared endlessly at my book, the clock, my parents' faces... hoping the time would pass.
Looking back now, I have no idea what was so scary.
No courage, so I did as I was told. Orders didn't require willpower, so even as a kid I started questioning my reason for existing—and that led to the questions.
Why does that person make that face?
Why say thanks to my face, then curse me out once I turn away? Why fight if we're supposed to be close?
Osamu Dazai's No Longer Human.
Of course, my worldview was simpler than his—no drowning in gloom—but I was hopelessly dull when it came to human emotions.
I read books to unravel those doubts, but as a kid, of course I never found the answers...
「Whoa, you're super good at studying~.」
You, beaming so innocently—that was the biggest question of my life.
For someone like me who never expressed much, your endless chatter and vivid expressions were fascinating.
What made this kid smile all the time?
Not scared of getting yelled at by the teacher for talking in class?
Of course, I lacked the courage to ask.
I didn't even want to get close to you in the first place.
「Quit being annoying and go play with the other kids.」
That was a shocker.
Me, who could barely speak to anyone else, blurting that out to you like it was nothing.
Maybe because you'd never gotten mad at me once—just always smiling. Or maybe you were pissed enough to let it fly without hesitation.
Either way, it screamed "I have no friends."
Most people would've taken offense, grumbled behind my back, and bounced...
「If I'm not annoying, will you play with me? 」
Your eyes sparkled like nothing I'd ever seen.
I was stunned, overwhelmed by that dazzling light.
Before I knew it, I was nodding—and from that day on, you mostly left me alone at lunch (except when asking me to watch you dance and sing).
But after school, you'd show up like a ghost and say:
「Promise. I kept mine, so you'll keep yours, right? 」
Play with me.
A kid with tons of friends, somehow holding out all that time just to hang with me.
...A promise was a promise.
That day, I chucked my bag at the playground for the first time and played with everything I had.
It was fun. No denying it.
The more time passed, the more I liked being around you.
I started hoping you'd talk to me even outside after-school hours.
I grew interested in the dancing and singing you loved so much.
I even practiced reaching out my hand first, anticipating yours.
「Forget that—let's go to the playground and play hide-and-seek!! 」
「Yumin, come to church with me for some tteokbokki! 」
「Minah, Minah. Wanna come play at my house? 」
It started near school, but the range kept expanding.
Before long, our families got friendly.
That sparked semesterly field trips together.
We'd crash at each other's houses and sleep over.
Experiences I'd never have had without you.
The obedient model student was diligent in class, did homework right after school, played games a bit, then read books—that was routine.
But you? Chatting in class and getting scolded was daily. After school, bag tossed, two hours at the playground minimum. Homework? You'd call me late at night to ask.
...What kind of kid even was this?
No matter how I thought about it, I figured I couldn't stay a model student at this rate—so I ignored you for no reason sometimes.
You had every right to hate those days.
Every right to scorn me as a selfish jerk with no regard for relationships.
「Hey, Kang Yumin~!! 」
「I already know your house code anyway, so just play with me nicely~! 」
「Keep dodging, and I'll tell on you for skipping homework while playing with me? 」
「Dodge just once more, and I'll know you like me? 」
「Aah, I wanna play with Kang Yumin. Wanna play so bad~! 」
Hate you. Dislike you. So annoying.
Words you'd never once said to me.
You took it like a bet over who could outlast who, tailing me relentlessly until I gave up.
About a week, I think.
In the end, I couldn't push you away. Our bond continued without a hitch, and bit by bit, we spent more time together.
My walls began crumbling, slow but steady.
Your color seeped into me.
One drop rippled my heart wide.
The waves reached every corner of my soul. My transparent world grew stained, opaque with you.
「Let's go see a movie.」
「I wanna try taekwondo.」
「It's fine. Skipping academy for a day.」
「Keep it up, and I'll have to tell your auntie? 」
I started voicing my thoughts.
Instead of flinching at unfamiliar kindness, I learned to accept it as it was.
Me, who'd die before standing out, even became class president for a year and led the class.
I figured out how to resolve fights wisely. Those once-uncomfortable stares no longer fazed me.
Me, initiating hangouts. Joking around. Offering my hand first.
I realized no one had ever forced the "model student" bit on me. It was about not letting anyone down.
How to trust people. How to exchange hearts.
How to live as myself.
「Score! Commute buddy extended three years. Minah, I won't be late this time. Middle school Han Chaewon is seriously different.」
Our time flew by too fast to glance back.
It wasn't just the flipping calendar changing.
Our small frames shot up overnight, hitting miraculous 10cm growth spurts yearly.
Most from elementary went to the same middle school, but over half were new faces.
The school we'd attended days ago was right next door, but it faded into memories.
New place. New people. New life.
Had I changed? Eh.
I'd shed the childish clown act, but I still studied hard.
No dreams meant focusing on what's in front of me.
But I picked up hobbies.
Chasing your full-on idol dreams, I dove into music. Listened to all genres, sang along, tried instruments one by one.
I'd mimic your occasional dance lessons with clumsy moves. Vacations, I hit pro dance classes.
Regrettably discovered zero talent for it, but still.
Could I even be "me" now without you?
Around the time I vaguely sensed that.
「Chaewon watches me just like that.」
「You've never once looked at me that way.」
A snowy day.
7 a.m. under a slate-gray sky. My footprints the first white ones toward school—too early for graduation to start.
The girl I'd called out early that morning whispered through tears.
A confession. A grudge.
She knew tears wouldn't sway me, and I knew better than to reach out awkwardly.
The feelings she offered were too pure for someone like me to accept.
Like today's snow, refusing to clump.
Changed or not, my core flaw—failing to grasp emotions—lingered deep inside.
That was the issue.
「You smile so well now, huh? 」
The photo of us with our diplomas.
You showed me old pics one by one, pointing at my face and giggling.
Blank expression. Rotten smile screaming displeasure.
Awkward grin, lips twitching uncomfortably from lack of practice.
A faint but natural smile.
And today, my face bloomed with the brightest smile yet.
If subconsciously copying the one you like is human nature...
「Told you, Chaewon. I'm the sneaky smiley type too.」
This smile was clear proof I liked you.
Like not noticing snow piling on your head, I'd been completely dyed in your color before I knew it.
「Congrats on the debut confirmation, Chaewon.」
So someday, I'll confess.
Stake my claim so you can't give your heart to anyone else. Be greedy.
And if the day comes when you can actually date...
Thank me for finding you. Say you want to stay by my side.
I'll confess my way.
———But I was still a childish clown.
「Minah, what do you think it'd be like if I suddenly disappeared? 」
Because I still didn't get that love is all about timing.