Chapter 44
Translator - Zofu
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* * *
In the end, I decided to go to school.
I'm still anxious and scared. But now, I have to change. I have to...
"Hi..."
"Oh, Seok-ho, you're here?"
When I see people around, I naturally hide behind Ah-rin.
"Hehehe."
I'm still weak.
My body refuses my will. I keep depending on Ah-rin. Usually Ah-rin clings to my side, but at times like this, I'm always the one clinging to her. Later, I should be the one protecting Ah-rin...
As we walk with me clinging to her side, a limousine appears before us. Ah-rin and I get in the limousine.
Once inside, Ah-rin strokes my head. Now... you don't need to stroke it anymore. Now, I'm okay...
"Uhh... I'm okay now, Ah-rin."
"You're okay? Really? Can I stop stroking?"
Ah-rin asks me. I should say it's okay to stop. My mouth, though...
"...No."
I ask her to keep stroking.
It's just willpower, nothing more. Nothing has changed. I still want to lean on Ah-rin. That fact hurts my heart a little.
"Hehehe, okay. Stay still?"
"...Yeah."
Until the limousine finally arrived at school.
The hand didn't stop.
* * *
Time passed quickly.
From age 7 to 11. To 14. When I turned 15, I'd grown taller and gained muscle. With the physical changes, confidence I never had began to grow. As I changed, my self-loathing and self-blame decreased somewhat. The times I leaned on Ah-rin also gradually decreased.
It was then.
Ah-rin suddenly... practically coerced me into dating her. Honestly, I was flustered.
"Be mine," Ah-rin said.
I was going to say it after I'd grown more... but I nodded without thinking. In the end, we started dating.
That... um.
Is this okay?
Does she like someone as incomplete as me? The question crosses my mind. Still, one thing is certain.
Ah-rin saw my change and said "let's date."
Something I couldn't have imagined before. Something that never could have happened with the old me.
It happened because I grew stronger.
I can't stop here. Stronger, cooler, more perfect.
I have to improve myself. I have to keep growing. If I stop, she'll just leave.
Don't disappoint Ah-rin.
I steel my resolve.
Before I know it, it's after school. The setting sun shines through the window.
"Ah, Ah-rin. I have something to do, so I'm going somewhere... what's up?"
I look at Ah-rin. Now, I can go home alone. I'll work out, study... I have a lot to do anyway.
"Um... it's nothing."
Ah-rin laughs awkwardly. I will never disappoint her. A smile forms on my lips.
"Really? Then I'll go first! See you later!"
"Okay..."
Ah-rin waves her hand. I wave back and run down the hallway.
Gradually, confidence builds.
I can do it!
* * *
Now that I have confidence, it's time to act.
This time I'm serious. To change, first... I have to stop all those behaviors of leaning on Ah-rin.
I'm a man too. I can't depend on her like an idiot.
Not being the one who depends, but the one others depend on. Like Lee Cheon-hwa. Becoming a reliable man.
That's my goal.
When Ah-rin tried to help me, I refused. Because now I can do it alone.
Now it's my turn to help.
It's time to become 'independent' from Ah-rin.
"Hey, Ah-rin! You're here?"
I wave at Ah-rin. Seeing myself becoming more energetic is enjoyable. I can feel myself changing.
"Huh, oh? Yeah!"
Ah-rin looks slightly flustered.
Why, is this the first time I've acted like this? A smile forms on my lips. Don't worry. I'll keep doing this from now on.
"Let's go, should we hold hands?"
I naturally take Ah-rin's right hand. Ah-rin flinches slightly. It's a little cute.
"Th-that's okay?"
"Good! Let's go!"
"..."
Side by side. The two of us. We walk to the limousine.
Endlessly, confidence keeps building.
The smile on my lips won't leave.
We arrive at the limousine and sit side by side.
Ah-rin's hand slowly moves toward my head.
I... can't refuse the touch.
"Ah, uh, Ah-rin."
I look at Ah-rin with an embarrassed expression. Ah-rin looks at me with a slightly shocked face.
"Huh... yeah?"
"This... it's embarrassing now..."
Now, it's okay if you don't stroke it.
"Ah."
"Now, you don't have to do it..."
Because later, I'll be the one doing the stroking. I give Ah-rin a faint smile.
When I let go of her wrist, Ah-rin's arm falls limply.
...Was she that shocked? No, it's fine. She was just surprised.
I meet Ah-rin's eyes.
"I-I see. Haha."
"Yeah, I'm not that weak anymore. I worked hard... and got stronger. Hehe."
I smile at Ah-rin. Seeing me, Ah-rin also smiles faintly.
The limousine arrives in front of the school.
I can change!
* * *
Can I... change?
Six months have passed.
I don't know.
I can't tell.
"Uh, sigh... it's not that."
Ah-rin blames me. My shoulders stupidly slump. Ah-rin puts on a slightly cold expression, then brightens up again.
"Let's not do that next time?"
I nod slowly. Awkwardly, I avoid Ah-rin's gaze. My head hurts. It's hard.
For some reason. I keep making mistakes.
For some reason. I keep getting disappointed.
For some reason... I keep failing.
Why is this happening?
I rebuke myself. I decided to change, and yet.
I'm back to square one.
Once again, self-loathing washes over me.
Am I... a pathetic loser who can't do anything?
I can't trust myself. Whenever I try to do something... mistakes, disappointments, failures repeat.
"Sorry..."
I apologize to Ah-rin. A feeling of "Is this really something to apologize for?" creeps up in my chest, but I force it down. No. This is just... my fault.
Ah-rin suddenly strokes my head. When I look up, Ah-rin has a smile on her lips.
Now, I should be the one stroking.
I'm still.
Leaning on others.
"It's okay."
Ah-rin looks at me and smiles. I also smile awkwardly. She said it's okay. Ah-rin might be okay, but... I'm not.
I want to break free from this damn cycle of mistakes.
"Uh, um... thanks."
"Should we go now?"
Ah-rin stops stroking and takes my hand.
Ah-rin leads me to the limousine.
Now, I should be leading.
Still.
The two of us. Side by side. We sit in the limousine.
Ah-rin's hand slowly moves above my head.
I... can't refuse the touch.
"Hehehe."
Ah-rin laughs again. I also smile awkwardly.
"Cute."
"Cute." That single word.
Hammers a nail into my heart.
Even after all that effort. Even after steeling my resolve.
I haven't changed at all.
Once again. From deep within my heart.
Self-blame and self-loathing begin to surge.
"Cute."
I want to become strong. I want to be a reliable man you can depend on.
Yet.
I'm just cute.
"Cute."
Just.
"Hehe... cute."
Can't do anything.
"Cute."
Just stay still.
"Cute."
For life.
* * *
Han Seok-ga. The head of the household.
Sigh...
I can't hold back the sigh that escapes.
These days... I have a worry. A worry that's even more frustrating because I don't know the reason.
"Seok-ho. What on earth..."
My son, who was gradually brightening up, has lost his spirit again.
Completely.
Thoroughly.
He's reverted to the past. It's like seeing those gloomy, spiritless days of his youth again. My heart is torn apart.
Why.
It's driving me crazy...
...why. Has he changed like this?
He used to greet us brightly when he came home. Where did the boy who burned with passion for exercise, studying, for his 'girlfriend' disappear to?
Is it just his innate talent that shows? My legs keep shaking with anxiety.
As I sit on the porch looking at the stars, a figure approaches from afar.
"...Hello."
Lee Cheon-hwa. The head of Ije Group.
I nod briefly. Lee Cheon-hwa sits next to me without a word.
"How is... your son these days?"
You mean how is our Seok-ho?
"The same."
Still the same.
Still gloomy, still depressed. Still timid.
He was a child overflowing with determination. Another sigh threatens to escape.
Lee Cheon-hwa looks at me. With a hardened face.
"You think it's strange too, don't you?"
Of course it's strange. Anyone who doesn't sense something strange here isn't a parent.
Even if I try to make him bright again. It doesn't work. He just... like before... refuses to talk and locks himself in his room.
"Of course. It's strange. Really. Extremely."
My insides are burning up.
Lee Cheon-hwa meets my eyes.
"I think... this is."
"Bullying."
Sigh...
A sigh escapes.
I looked into it too. When someone changes this much. I thought maybe he's being bullied. So I asked around... but nothing came up.
"It's meticulous. Even when I dig like crazy, who did it. Nothing comes up at all. Even when I ask my son, he says there's no bullying. Right now, I'm just frustrated. I feel like I'm going crazy."
"This time, I'll help too."
"Huh?"
"I said I'll help. Catch them."
Lee Cheon-hwa says while looking at the sky. Well, his daughter is dating my son. He must be concerned.
I silently nod my head.
No matter what, I will definitely find them. Find them and tear flesh from bone.
Grind.
Teeth grind.
* * *
Again. Six months have passed.
The muscles I had have withered. I've become frail. My personality has returned to what it was.
Back to square one.
I'm back at the beginning.
Before I know it, it's after school. I don't... want to go home. I'm ashamed of who I am now. I can't do anything.
If I stay quietly in the classroom like this... Ah-rin will...
Creak. The classroom door opens.
"...Hello?"
Before my eyes, a stranger. No, someone I know.
A girl from my class. Ryu Se-hwa.
Ryu Se-hwa trudges over to my desk.
"You look down."
I lower my head in sadness. I wanted to change. But I couldn't.
"Why... did you come? To make fun of me?"
My head drops even lower. I avoid her gaze.
"No."
Se-hwa grabs my shoulder. My shoulder flinches and trembles.
"I just... came to tell you something."
"Tell me...?"
"Yeah."
My head slowly lifts up. Our eyes meet.
"You..."
"Know what gaslighting is?"
"Gas... lighting?"
What's that?
"...You don't know?"
I nod. Then Ryu Se-hwa puts a hand on her forehead.
"Sigh..."
She sighs. My shoulders hunch automatically.
"You don't know? Sigh... then you need to learn now."
Our eyes meet.
"I'll explain, so listen well. And remember it. Because I'm putting my life on the line."
Ryu Se-hwa smiles brightly. But her eyes show determined resolve, unlike her mouth.
"That crazy bitch of a girlfriend. What she's doing to you right now. Is. Gaslighting."
"H-huh?"
"Good expression. While you've been dating your girlfriend. Have you never once thought about that?"
Ryu Se-hwa's face distorts slightly. A slightly angry expression.
"You didn't do anything wrong, but she says you did. You didn't make a mistake, but she creates mistakes that don't exist, making you unable to trust yourself."
Ryu Se-hwa's face. Gradually, more quickly. Distorts. Veins bulge on Ryu Se-hwa's forehead.
"All of that which makes you unable to judge for yourself. That's the gaslighting your fucking bitch of a girlfriend is doing."
"You doubt and doubt again. You should 'judge' whether this is really 'gaslighting' or not. That fuck... sigh. Your girlfriend is fucking meticulous. So the victim can't figure it out at all. That's why... sigh... I..."
Ryu Se-hwa meets my eyes. Her eyes are slightly watery. Her cheeks are flushed red. No comparison to the sunset.
"It's hard..."
Now she looks like she's about to cry.
"Why... shit, sigh... why did I have to fall for this guy... shit, sigh..."
"Phew... so listen well. And keep it in your heart."
Our eyes meet.
"Escape from your girlfriend."
"Run away."
Ryu Se-hwa wipes her flowing tears with her sleeve.
"And... when the time comes... uhn... sniff... sigh... no."
Ryu Se-hwa shakes her head.
"Seok-ho. I'm... transferring soon."
Our eyes meet again. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying.
"It's not like I'm dying. I have my own abilities. I... may look like this but I'm fucking smart. There are fucking plenty of holes to escape those bitches... sigh... why am I saying this... no."
"Just forget it."
"No, remember what I told you to keep in mind."
Ryu Se-hwa pats my shoulder.
"I'm leaving. I won't be at school tomorrow. Because I'm going far away. And what I just told you. Don't tell anyone. Remember. If you do. I'll die."
Ryu Se-hwa gradually moves away from me.
"Take care."
Ryu Se-hwa waves. Soon... completely disappears from view.
It feels like a storm has passed.
My heart. Pounds.
This feeling is...
fear.
I realize. The reason I'm like this now...
is my girlfriend.
It's because of Lee Ah-rin.
She's... crazy. I can only say she's simply crazy.
I need to escape from my girlfriend.
That's right.
I should... thank Se-hwa too.
I savor each of her words.
"'If you tell. I'll die.'"
The fact that Se-hwa told me must never be revealed, even if I die.
I need to quickly tell this fact... to my parents. I need to tell them I'm being gaslit.
My heart. Starts beating faster.
That crazy bitch.
I must escape... from that crazy bitch.
Right now.
The hallway.
I run through it.
* * *