Chapter 4. Fissure
It had been so long since I'd felt the unity of family, and it was utterly delightful. Even in my past lives, it was almost standard to grow up abandoned without family. And even if you were raised by parents, most spent their childhoods without proper affection. On top of that, to be born as the third princess. "What are you gonna do today~?" "Hmm... I'm gonna practice swordsmanship!" "Again?" "Yeah!" With that, I left Remi unni behind and dashed to the training grounds. I heard her calling from behind, wanting to play more, but I ignored it. Her affection is just too overwhelming...! I wonder if that sister of mine will ever get married. I pondered as I ran.
How many times have I reincarnated? Once the count passed three digits, I gave up keeping track, so I'm not sure. That was ages ago, so it's probably hit four digits by now. Not that counting matters anyway. Back when it was just nearing single digits, every day felt fresh and exciting. Yeah, at first it was fun. It was thrilling to be called a genius by others sometimes, and I could indulge in things I never could before without a care.
Then, at some point... I realized my life was just trampling and stealing the one-and-only lives of others. Things that should rightfully belong to someone else. Using cheat-like knowledge from repeated lives to snatch them away, while I—a mere existence born into a poor family, unhappy with my body—complained about petty nonsense. Others toiled day by day to survive. And there I was, griping about such trivialities. Stealing the places, food, and love of those living genuine lives—
The moment I realized that, I hanged myself. After that, I remember killing myself dozens of times in sudden crashes of reality. Slit my throat, drowned in the sea, set myself on fire, went berserk and got my head chopped off by a guillotine after being labeled a madman—whatever. No need to dwell on it now. It's all in the past anyway.
Reincarnation is truly unpredictable. Around the early three-digit mark, desperate to escape this maddening world, I tried finding patterns in it, but it was futile. All I learned was that it's completely random. No escape in sight. By now, I've just let go. It made things easier, somehow.
Being reborn consecutively into medieval worlds with fantasy elements—like the last one and this—was tame by comparison. I've dropped into sci-fi universes where my modern science knowledge was useless, and even a zombie apocalypse in the present day. Greek and Roman mythology worlds too. Ah, speaking of zombies, that reminds me. My companions back then, their faces and screams beyond the glass. I locked the door, lured the horde with noise, and watched as they got torn apart alive. I wonder if those people survived. A little girl turning herself into bait, getting devoured right in front of them—it was quite the spectacle. Especially since my group were such kind, naive folks. She even had an older sister. If I had to pick the most memorable moment of all my lives, it'd probably be that.
Ah, getting excited—
—Clang!
"Kugh—!" "Uwa! A-Are you okay!?"
Did I put too much force into it by mistake? The knight I was sparring with had his sword sent flying far away. You might say a child's strength has limits, but—if you time it right when the opponent commits their power, add weight and swing properly—even a kid can beat an adult. Strike just as their overhead swing reaches its peak; they'll collapse powerlessly. He was holding back a bit too.
It was my own swordsmanship, ingrained in this body from countless forgotten years. A makeshift style without a proper master. If souls exist, it's probably stored there nicely.
"...No, it's fine. But really, your growth is unbelievable. At your age, to do this much..." "Heehee—it's all thanks to Teacher teaching me so well." "Humility in excess is poison. Just bask in the praise this time." "Okay!"
He gave a wry smile and ruffled my hair roughly. I call him Feyrn Teacher. A retired knight now working as a sword instructor. His touch was coarse, but full of affection, which made me feel good. Even if it messed up my hair a bit. Old folks get chatty and handsy with age, so I endure it knowing that.
Officially, I've been learning swordsmanship for a little over three years. For them, a scrawny little girl beating a seasoned knight must be shocking. Thanks to that, I'm playing the out-of-place genius. But it'll all help with what's to come.
"Gonna brag to Anna unni~ Gonna get head pats!" "...You seem to like Anna Princess a lot." "Yeah! She's super pretty and kind, and... anyway, I love her!"
At the mention of Anna unni, Feyrn's face darkened rapidly. Ah, probably because I said I'd brag to her. Makes sense for an older knight to be perceptive. He must have noticed unni's inferiority complex. Inferiority complex. Dissatisfaction with one's own achievements. Worrying that "self" will shift to comparing her results with others'. They call that envy, right? Don't worry, Feyrn. She's already deep in it.
"Heehee~ Praise~ Praise~" "........Today was hard work, Aris Princess." "Okay~ See you later, Teacher~"
Thinking of what's ahead brings a deep smile to my face. What face will she make when I tell her I beat Feyrn? Will she stiffen? Hate me? Get jealous? If I lean in, she'll reluctantly pat my head. Ah, can't wait. I want to do the same to Remi, but... her brightness leaves no room for envy. She probably just likes me more every time I shine. Whenever I did anything impressive, boasting about it became her role. Once, I helped with her homework, and instead of jealousy, she dragged me to our stunned parents for praise.
She kicked the door open: 'Mooom—! Daad—! Aris... Aris...!!' 'R-Remi? W-What's wrong?' 'She's a total geeeenius—!!!!' ' '.......' '
The kind parents silently ushered us out. Dad tried praising me too and got smacked by Mom. ...After that, I just pour affection on Remi without thinking. She was mortified. Major mental attack. Her face turned beet red. Is Remi a ghost type? Those take big damage from taking hits or getting hurt in front. How can I get hurt in front of Remi?
"Hum hum~♪" Humming with fun imaginings, I headed to Anna unni's quarters where she'd be resting. La la la. Heehee.
"So~ I went clang with my sword swing—" ".....Yeah.."
An idle afternoon with nothing to do. In my room, previewing tomorrow's lessons, she came as always. Aris. Our family's precious youngest sister. Stroking her silky, beautiful hair always warmed my hand from her head. Aris loved when I touched her hair. No idea why. She'd be better off with lively Remi than a charmless sister like me. Strangely, she followed me almost as much as Remi. Remi sulked for a while because of it. Sigh.
"—and beat Feyrn Te... Teacher!" "....You beat him..?" "Yeah! Teacher said I did great~!"
My absentminded hand stopped at her words. My chest tightened. Aris is a genius. Common knowledge. Reading at a young age, wielding a sword, her casual advice to the troubled wise beyond her years. Even our parents were amazed. Yeah, she already beat Feyrn. Impressive. So impressive.
"Right. Aris won, huh..." "Heehee~ Pat more—" "—Ah. Yeah..."
I resumed stroking. The little one burrowed deeper into my arms. Something lumpish huddled in my chest. A hot sigh circled inside, unable to escape. My body heated up, my touch growing rougher. Tight.
"Ow, it hurts!" "......"
Stifling.
"U-Unni!!" "......"
I want to vomit. Why—this child—
"—Unniiii!!!" "....Ah..?"
A loud voice rang in my ear. Startled, I looked down to see Aris clutching my hand, screaming with a tearful face. Ah. I looked at my hand. Gripping Aris's hair hard. Ah..? What was I just thinking?
"A-Aris! You okay? Does it hurt?" "Uuu....It hurts..."
I yanked my hand away. Aris was shedding tears, saying it hurt. The girl who never complained about injuries or bad colds was outright crying. My mind went blank. I don't remember much after. When I came to, Aris had stopped crying somehow and was being led out by Remi, who had come to my room.
After they left, I sighed and slumped against the wall to the floor. The room floor was so cold. I stared at my trembling hands.
"Am I.... right now....?"
Ah, this feels so good.