A Dissertation on Friendship
"Noh Bihyuk."
I'd tried to make my voice come out soft, but the way the kids standing next to him slunk away the moment I opened my mouth told me I'd missed the mark.
"...Hey."
Bihyuk still wouldn't meet my eyes.
I just stared at him, saying nothing. The silence stretched on and on. Wow. He really isn't going to talk.
"I called you yesterday. You didn't pick up."
"Ah... you called?"
Didn't you call my acting garbage?
I was ready to snap at him for lying right to my face, but when our eyes finally met, his expression was one of genuine surprise.
"I didn't know. Sorry. I was on the phone the whole time. I never signed up for call waiting."
"Who were you talking to?"
"Well..."
Bihyuk's voice trailed off. His gaze darted around, uneasy.
Unbelievable.
Wasn't he the one who blew up and stormed off? And now the same guy who wouldn't even answer his phone or look at me yesterday was acting like the guilty party. I couldn't make heads or tails of it — and then I felt the eyes of everyone nearby gathering on us.
There's no talking this out here.
"We're supposed to eat lunch with our own classes today. So I guess we can't eat together."
"Ah, yeah. Our class is doing the same."
"Good, then. Let's talk after the sports festival is over."
I watched him mutter a quiet "okay," and then added before I could stop myself.
"Actually, no — there'll be a chance before that. We'll talk then."
"...? When?"
Finally, he was looking at me.
Meeting those bewildered eyes, I gave him a short answer.
"I'm playing in the soccer match."
"...!"
"Looks like we're matched up in the prelims. See you in a bit."
"Lee Yeonjae!"
I turned away immediately. I'd planned to walk off without a backward glance, but the clothes I was wearing were so heavy they caught me in place like an anchor. Damned antlers.
"Hey! Why are you playing soccer?!"
"Someone sprained their ankle, so I said I'd do it. Why?"
"No, you—"
"You said you wanted to play soccer with me. Wasn't that why you were upset?"
"That's not it at all!"
"Not it?"
Our voices were getting louder by the second.
I knew I needed to calm down, but I couldn't rein myself in.
It was Baek Seojin and Seo Jio who stepped in and pulled the two of us apart before fists could fly.
"Whoa, whoa~. Noh Bihyuk. Chill out. Just head back to your class for now."
"Yeonjae, want to go where our classmates are?"
Every part of me wanted to swat away Seo Jio's hand as he tried to soothe me.
No. The kids are watching.
I had no idea when any of my actions today might snowball into a controversy. I couldn't lose my temper. Don't act on emotion.
For a moment, I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath.
"Haah. Fine."
I turned away without so much as a glance in Bihyuk's direction. The wind flipped my antlered hat backward. Annoying beyond belief.
The animal onesie chosen for our class costume, the soccer match, Noh Bihyuk — I wanted to throw it all out the window and just go home.
I want to see Angae.
Or failing that, Jinbae-hyung.
So I kept my face carefully composed on the outside, but it took a long, long while before I actually felt calm again.
Thankfully, sharp-eyed Seo Jio stationed himself beside me like a bodyguard, which let me sit quietly until the tension bled out of me.
"Thanks, Seo Jio. For stepping in earlier."
"Don't mention it. Feeling better now?"
"Yeah. A lot."
"Good. You looked like you were about to swat my hand away back there, though."
"......"
This guy reads situations almost too well.
I gave him a flat look, then decided he had a point, and apologized. Seo Jio just laughed and asked what on earth I was sorry for.
"I should change into my PE uniform before the match. The hat's more annoying than I expected."
As I muttered this while pulling off the hood, Seo Jio propped his chin in his hand and grinned.
"Aw, it's cute, though. What a shame."
"Right? Yeonjae, you're so cute! Look this way!"
"Seojin, please stop taking pictures..."
Seo Jio handled the relentless polaroid assault from Baek Seojin for me.
I really do owe that guy a lot today.
And so things stayed peaceful until lunch period wound down. Every so often I could feel Noh Bihyuk's eyes drifting my way, but I steadfastly ignored them.
"Bihyuk's police uniform actually suits him. Maybe we should've picked that one."
"Tell me about it. And it doesn't even look hot."
As Seo Jio and I chatted idly, Baek Seojin clicked her tongue.
"Tsk tsk, you two just don't get it. You're supposed to wear all the cute stuff you can while you're still the right age for it. How do you two plan on being celebrities without knowing that? Oh — well, Yeonjae already is one."
She was in the middle of declaring that, in that spirit, she'd take one more shot for the sake of my fans, and I was replying with what little energy I had left, when—
"Everyone! They're calling the soccer players to gather up!"
Finally, the moment had arrived.
I told our class president I'd change into my PE uniform and headed into the building — and just before I reached the classroom door, a hand caught my arm with a firm tap.
I'd expected the timing, so it didn't startle me.
"Lee Yeonjae. You don't need to change."
"Why?"
"I told them someone else is playing instead of you."
"Why?"
"......"
Weren't you the one who wanted to play soccer with me?
A sigh escaped me on its own, but losing my temper here would just make me exactly the same as him. I breathed out slowly and steadily, then spoke.
"Bihyuk. First of all, I honestly don't understand why you're upset with me. If there's something I need to fix, tell me whenever it's convenient. I'll do my best to fix it. And—"
"That's not what this is. Why do you always blame yourself the second you get the chance? Haah."
Bihyuk raked a hand roughly through his hair. He stared at the ground for a long moment before muttering.
"Yesterday — I really didn't dodge your call on purpose. I was on the phone with Ha-eun for two hours."
"...With Ha-eun?"
"Yeah. And she told me about what happened to you in third year."
Bihyuk swallowed dryly. For once, his face was genuinely tense.
"I'm sorry. Back then my parents were going on and on about getting divorced, and I couldn't focus on anything outside my own house. So I had no idea you'd been hurt that badly. Not really."
"......"
"If I'd remembered, I never would've brought up playing soccer with you so casually. I'm really sorry for acting like a kid. I meant to apologize right away, but today... your face was so scary I just froze up."
An apology... with an insult attached. Does that even count?
I gave him a flat stare. For a second I wondered if he was teasing me, but sadly, Noh Bihyuk was dead serious.
Watching him flounder helplessly as he looked at me, I swallowed a sigh. Seeing myself get angry at a kid like that made me feel thoughtless, if only for a moment.
"No. I'm the one who should have explained things properly from the start. I just... didn't want to talk about it back then."
"I get it. And I'm sorry for being so snide about you hanging out with Seo Jio, too. I was being really childish."
That was actually the other thing I'd meant to ask about.
"Bihyuk. I could tell something was bothering you. Especially whenever Seo Jio came up. Can you tell me why?"
"Haah. Do I really have to be the one to say it?"
Then how am I supposed to figure it out? Mind reading?
I was prepared to wait him out quietly, but Bihyuk changed the subject, saying we needed to head down soon.
"Fine. Then tell me when you're ready."
"...Okay. So — are we good now?"
I let out a small laugh at the way his eyebrows had knotted themselves into a frown, as if this were a matter of enormous importance to him.
"Yeah. We're good."
Because it was a matter of enormous importance to me, too.
Knock knock.
"Come in."
"Actor-nim, about the fan café—"
Jinbae-hyung froze the moment he opened the door.
He looked stunned by the mountain of paper piled high across my bed.
"What are you doing right now? What is all this?"
"Papers. Academic ones."
"I'm sorry — what?"
His face said he'd seen every absurdity the world had to offer, and none of it compared to this, so I answered with all the exasperation I was feeling.
"I asked Bihyuk to explain why he was upset with me. So he went home and came back with these, telling me to read them. He said to call him once I'd finished."
"...That really is something else."
I know, right?
I'd have called myself strange too, if it were anyone else — but Noh Bihyuk was genuinely a breed apart.
'I couldn't figure out how to explain it to you either, so I did some searching yesterday. Reading these papers will help you too.'
'...We couldn't just... talk about it?'
'I thought about it, and this is the best way. You'll only accept it if I do it like this.'
It was absurd — but his face had been so resolute that I couldn't bring myself to refuse. And that was how I'd come home lugging a brick's worth of academic printouts.
The sudden research assignment made me forget to change out of my onesie before coming home, which only added to the chaos — Jinbae-hyung was so delighted at the sight of me that my head spun all over again. He insisted it was his sacred duty to show these to Jeonghyun-hyung, so I'd ended up taking several photos while still in the deer pajamas.
Then I'd showered, and had only just finished reading the last paper.
"So what's the paper called?"
"Something like 'An Analysis of Jealousy Emotions Arising in Adolescent Friendship Relationships' and so on."
"Even the title sounds... very academic."
Jinbae-hyung gingerly picked up a single page as if handling an insect, and set it right back down.
He hates papers, apparently. I laughed at how transparent he was.
"The title looks complicated, but the content is simple."
"What does it say?"
"When a third party suddenly enters a friendship between two people, the person on the outside can experience a complicated emotion — fear mixed with competitiveness. Apparently that's what jealousy in a friendship is."
The paper's argument was straightforward.
Jealousy isn't limited to romantic relationships. It can arise in all kinds of bonds between people.
Some adolescents welcome a new friend with open arms, while others may feel a sense of betrayal toward the friend they already had — an anxious dread that they themselves might be forgotten, layered over an embarrassment they can't quite name.
None of it was hard to understand.
What I couldn't understand was why Noh Bihyuk had handed it to me.
"So Bihyuk is... using an academic paper to tell me he was jealous of Seo Jio."
"Yes. I suppose that's what you'd expect from a close friend — he really found the method best suited to you, Actor-nim."
Despite Jinbae-hyung's smiling remark, I couldn't smile back.
"Then... does that actually make sense?"
"What does?"
"That Bihyuk cares about me as much as this paper says he does. Are we really that close?"
"...?"
Jinbae-hyung blinked at me, incredulous.
"Actor-nim. Do you know how many times Bihyuk has slept over at our place? How many times the three of us have eaten together? We even had a Christmas party just recently, didn't we?"
"That was just..."
The rebuttal I'd started to voice dissolved into thin air.
What is this? Where did things go off the rails?
"Do you, perhaps, not think of Bihyuk as a friend?"
"Of course I do. He's my closest friend."
"And you feel affection for him?"
"Yes. Naturally."
At my obviously reaction, Jinbae-hyung asked, calm and measured:
"And do you believe Bihyuk feels the same way about you?"
"......"
The words caught in my throat.
Did he? Surely... surely not?
'I know Noh Bihyuk feels comfortable around me.'
That much I wasn't blind to.
But that was just... wasn't that because he was a good person at heart?
He treated me warmly because warmth was simply who he was.
And if it wasn't that — then what...
As I stood speechless in the tangle of my own confusion, Jinbae-hyung quietly gathered up the scattered papers. Then he held out my phone to me.
"Ask him yourself. Whether you've been mistaken all this time — or not."
"......"
Some strange resistance rose up in me, but I knew. I knew this was the only right answer.
So, with effort, I pressed the call button.
—Hello?
"It's me, Lee Yeonjae."
—...I'd hope you'd know that. Did you finish the papers?
"Yeah."
Neither of us said anything.
I kept arranging and rearranging words, trying to figure out how to ask — until even a headache started creeping in.
I don't know anymore either.
And at the peak of that tangle, I just spat it out.
"Bihyuk. You're not only close to me because I'm famous... are you?"