The Look I'd Never Seen Before

"Lee Yeonjae."

Ha. Busted.

"...Hey. Bihyuk."

I offered an awkward greeting, still half-crouched in the hiding position I'd frozen in behind the flowerbed. Noh Bihyuk squatted down in front of me, his face set in a sulk.

"Why do you keep avoiding me?"

Because you keep bringing up soccer.

It wasn't as if I'd turned him down nicely just once or twice — I was tired of it too. I took a moment to pick my words, wondering how on earth I was supposed to explain this to him.

"Did I do something wrong to you?"

I'd barely gotten a second to think before the questions came pouring out.

"Is this because of Seo Jio?"

"What does Seo Jio have to do with anything?"

"You went to the film festival with him last weekend. I watched all the footage too."

And how does that connect to this? I swallowed a sigh, trying to figure out where exactly things had gone off the rails.

"Bihyuk, let's just calm down first. If anyone else heard you, they'd think you were jealous of Seo Jio."

"……"

He stared at me, sulking, as if to say, and is that really what you should be saying? I knew it didn't make sense either.

"For the record, the reason I've been avoiding you has nothing to do with Seo Jio."

"Then are you going to stop hanging around him?"

"That's not— no, I said, why does Seo Jio keep coming up?"

"Because you've been dodging me ever since he transferred in, that's why."

Is he actually being serious right now? I stared at him in disbelief, and to my astonishment there wasn't a single trace of playfulness on Noh Bihyuk's face. Good grief. He meant it.

"Bihyuk. It hasn't even been two weeks since I told you you're my best friend."

"……"

"It's true I went to the film festival with Seo Jio, and yes, I'm going to keep spending time with him. But that's not something that has anything to do with you, is it?"

I already told you the 'best friend' title was yours in the first place. So what on earth was the problem? I couldn't make sense of it, and my brow creased without my meaning ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠it to. But something seemed to have gotten under Noh Bihyuk's skin too, because his expression had gone stiff as well.

"…You say I'm your best friend, and then you tell me the kid you hang out with is none of my business? You think that actually makes sense?"

"Haah."

In the end I couldn't hold back and let out a long sigh. My head was starting to ache.

'It's exhausting, having to keep talking in circles like this.'

But Noh Bihyuk wasn't Seo Jio.

If I came right out and said, 'There won't be any problem with you reaching your goal, so don't worry,' he would clearly be startled. He was the type who, hearing it laid out that bluntly, would start avoiding me out of sheer pride. I knew that, and I couldn't afford to take the risk.

'I'll start by explaining the soccer thing.'

Unlike the pointless Seo Jio tangent, I needed to dig into the actual core of it. That was how I'd sorted things out in my head, and I lifted my head — only to find him already on his feet.

"I've got to go now. We've got a practice game lined up against your class."

"……"

"Not that you'd know, of course. You weren't on the player roster."

The look Noh Bihyuk gave me as he looked down was one I didn't recognize. The first of its kind I'd ever received. What is that feeling?

"Hey. Honestly, I know I act like a kid, all right? That's why I was going to keep my mouth shut, but… have I ever once seriously asked you for anything?"

"……"

"I was genuinely looking forward to it. Last year, and the year before that, you were busy filming and couldn't play soccer with me. I didn't know when a chance like this would come again — that's the only reason I kept bringing it up. And you just kept dodging me with that annoyed look on your face."

Playing soccer with me is a chore, but going to a film festival with Seo Jio isn't?

The words came low and quiet, and I had no opening to answer — because he'd already gotten irritated on his own.

"Ugh, f—, how pathetic is this. Seriously."

"……"

"Forget it. We'll talk later. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Sorry for snapping at you."

With that, Noh Bihyuk was gone in a blink. I stared blankly at the empty flowerbed, as if no one had ever been standing there at all.

'That's the first look like that I've ever gotten from anyone.'

Only now did it dawn on me.

That the eyes Noh Bihyuk had turned on me had been full of hurt.

And yet I still didn't understand.

Why would he be hurt?

'So… it's because I wouldn't play soccer with him?'

I hadn't imagined that alone would wound him so deeply. It had never occurred to me that soccer meant that much to Bihyuk.

In that case, fine — the past was the past. I could just join in once. It wasn't exactly a difficult thing to do.

"Haah."

The situation refused to untangle itself, and the sighs kept coming.

"…Yeonjae. Is something the matter?"

"Oh — I'm sorry."

What a discourtesy, zoning out in the middle of a meal. I shut my mouth at once and straightened my back. Junghyun waved a hand as if to say that hadn't been what he meant.

"You've seemed to keep drifting off. Is something worrying you?"

"……"

Just as I was hesitating, unsure whether I should bring up something that had nothing to do with acting, Jinbae shot to his feet beside us.

"I'll step out for a quick phone call. Please, talk freely—"

"And where exactly do you think you're going? Please, sit down."

So quick on the uptake, and yet somehow utterly clueless. He'd apparently decided this was an extension of the worry I hadn't managed to pour out to him last time.

'Have I been rude to you lately, hyung? Said anything that hurt you?'

That had been purely my own problem to begin with — a problem whose cause and whose answer both lived entirely inside me. But unlike that, the falling-out with Noh Bihyuk wouldn't be solved just by me sorting through my own thoughts, and that made it feel all the more hopeless.

'Still, they'd both know human relationships far better than I do.'

I would ask first, and if it threw them, I could always apologize for the pointless question.

"There's something I'd like to ask you two."

"Go ahead. Say whatever's on your mind."

I did my best to choose the most objective words possible as I laid out what had happened that day. As they listened, both of their faces grew steadily blanker.

"Would it be better if I just asked whether I could swap places with one of the kids playing soccer tomorrow…? Why are you both looking at me like that?"

"……"

They stayed silent for a long moment — and then, in perfect sync, they both reached out. Junghyun's hand settled on my head; Jinbae's came to rest on my shoulder.

"Yeonjae. I don't think Bihyuk is hurt simply because you wouldn't play soccer."

"Then what is it?"

"Before that," Jinbae said, "I think we need to hear how you define 'friend,' Actor."

I answered the question like an idiot, even as his hand patted my shoulder.

"A friend is… a friend. Someone you hang out with."

"Hmm, that's not wrong, exactly. So your best friend is 'the person who hangs around you the most'?"

Was there any other meaning it could have?

In an instant, I felt like I'd crash-landed on an alien planet. Like I'd made some colossal mistake without realizing it. It was then that Junghyun's gentle voice came back to me.

"Yeonjae. Whatever you believe a friend is, there's no fault in that at all. It's not something written into law."

"That's true…"

Then why was Noh Bihyuk hurt? As I rolled my eyes over it, Jinbae supplied the answer.

"I told you before that the meaning of 'fan' can differ from person to person, remember?"

"Yes."

"I believe this is much the same. It seems your conversation went astray because the standard each of you held for 'friend' was different."

"Then what's Bihyuk's standard for a friend?"

"That would be—"

Jinbae, mid-flow, abruptly shut his mouth. Then he looked at me and smiled.

"Wouldn't it be safest to ask the person himself?"

"……"

I turned at once and glared at Junghyun.

"Hey, why are you looking at me?"

"You're the one who taught Jinbae hyung all that weird stuff, aren't you."

"Pfff— why are you suddenly on my case? Kgh."

He was never this smoothly evasive before. I'd been wondering who he was picking all these habits up from, and here was the culprit, sitting right in front of me. Whether I glared or not, Junghyun was too busy laughing to care, while Jinbae watched the two of us with a soft smile.

'Ha. So in the end, I have no choice but to ask him myself.'

It felt like a conversation that had been no help whatsoever — and yet somehow, it ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠had helped. I'd call him the moment I got home.

'I'll lead with why I didn't want to play soccer. Whatever the real issue is, I can get to it after that.'

Field day was tomorrow, so it needed to be settled tonight. I called Noh Bihyuk — and got nothing but the automated message telling me he couldn't come to the phone. I tried five more times after that. He never picked up once.

"Yeonjae. Good morning."

"Mm."

"…You look pretty wiped out."

I scrubbed my face dry with both hands at Seo Jio's words.

"Sorry. That was rude of me. Good morning."

"It's fine. I'm not a little kid, you know. You don't have to sweet-talk me. Feel free to snap at me if you're tired."

I watched him carelessly drag the chair beside mine into place. For a split second, I very nearly answered, Really? So I can snap at you right now?

'Weirdly enough, I keep letting my guard down around him.' What if he secretly recorded me or something? Focus, Yeonjae.

"So what's going on? Is someone giving you trouble?"

"It's not that."

"Then did you have a fight? Someone you'd actually fight with… Bihyuk?"

And of course, on top of everything, he was perceptive too — which only made him more infuriating. I answered by not answering, which was as good as a yes.

Seo Jio, still wearing that lazy smile, flicked a glance off to the side.

'What now.'

I followed his gaze — and there was Noh Bihyuk. He happened to be turning his head at that very moment, and our eyes met simultaneously.

"…Ha!"

Noh Bihyuk clumsily looked away.

He wouldn't answer his phone, and now he was dodging eye contact too?

Heat shot up the back of my neck in an instant. I shot to my feet. Someone called after me from behind, but I ignored it, locking onto my target and charging straight for him.

'What are you going to do if you're the one running away?'

All I had to do was close the distance.