Desire Awakens (1)
He had been swinging his sword for a long while, deliberately ignoring Lani Dubos.
Yet she kept catching at the edge of his attention, making it impossible to focus.
Lani seemed to have come out determined never to lose a staring contest. Even when he shot her sharp looks meant to drive her off, she simply watched him without the slightest waver.
If she had something to say, she should come say it. If not, she should leave. Either would have been fine. Instead she just stood there, watching him like a sentry.
In the end he exhaled a long sigh and walked over to her.
She flinched at his approach but did not run; she stayed rooted where she was.
"What."
"...Pardon?"
"What's your goal. Why are you just standing here."
"...Th-that is..."
He had no patience to wait out her hesitation and pressed her.
"You okay with Vivian catching you like this? Nothing good comes of her finding out."
"..."
"Just get lost. You're pissing me off."
Lani's face crumpled again as she insisted,
"I-I clearly told you to mind your manners."
"You're the one who's been ignoring manners since yesterday. Today you're sitting here staring at people without permission."
"...Th-that is..."
"And you keep forgetting what I look like... My family ranks right up there with the Rondores in the East Kingdom. You're not in any position to lecture me about manners."
"..."
Lani froze as if the words had sealed her throat. Then her lips began to tremble like waves.
"Hic!"
She dropped into a crouch and began to sob in tiny, sniffling whimpers.
He clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes.
He had grown so used to Vivian that it never occurred to him someone could cry this easily. Vivian always pushed back with blazing eyes no matter what he threw at her. Lani did not.
And in the same breath he realized something else: he really did not like it when girls cried.
With Vivian he had at least been able to endure it. Watching this childish Lani Dubos cry only made him irritated and annoyed.
"Fine, fine."
He soothed her roughly, just enough to stop the noise.
He stepped in front of the girl who had buried her face in her arms, pushed her forehead up with one finger so she would look at him, then roughly dabbed at her eyes with his sleeve.
Her tears soaked the fabric; it felt faintly dirty and unpleasant.
At the clumsy touch Lani seemed so startled she forgot to cry. She shoved him away and said,
"Wh-what on earth are you doing..."
"Just stop crying. The sound of it drives me crazy."
"...Y-you made me cry..."
"I got it, so tell me why you came. I need to know what you wanted before I can do anything about it."
Lani looked away.
Her lips moved; a look of pure grievance bloomed across her face.
After a long hesitation she mumbled,
"I just... just wanted to thank you for yesterday..."
"Okay, I heard you. Now go. Don't interrupt training."
"Wh-when did I interrupt..."
"This is interrupting!"
"Hic!"
"Ah, for fuck's sake."
Even a small shout made the tears start again. He pressed a hand to his forehead.
There had been plenty of moments when he thought himself reasonably kind. Apparently that had all been a delusion.
Until now he had been acting for Vivian, so his patience had held by a thread. With anyone else the anger simply piled up.
Maybe there really was something special about Vivian alone. Was he actually cursed?
If he could only learn the truth, he felt he could cut down dozens of witches' heads without hesitation.
Looking at the sniffling Lani, he finally clenched his teeth one last time.
He set the wooden practice sword aside, crouched in front of her, and gave her shoulder a couple of light pats.
"Fine. I get it. Sorry. Thanks for coming to say thank you. Can you leave now?"
"You're... accepting my thanks?"
"Yeah. I'll take it."
At that, Lani calmed her tears enough to look up at him, sniffling.
Then, with an expression he could not read at all, she asked,
"...Then can we be friends?"
"..."
He squeezed his eyes shut.
Lani Dubos was clearly one of those people with whom conversation simply did not work.
He had no idea where that sudden request came from, and her sheer forwardness—as if the possibility of rejection had never even entered her mind—was beyond him.
If he got angry again she would just cry, so he felt completely cornered.
"...Why? How did you even get to that conclusion?"
He asked.
Wiping her eyes with her sleeve, Lani answered,
"...B-because you seem like a kind person."
"Based on what? And if someone's kind, you just become friends with them?"
"Not exactly... but you look so pitiful."
Was she the type who liked doing good deeds and being praised for them?
He was speechless.
"I heard everyone brought here as hostages from the East Kingdom is lonely and has a hard time... so..."
"So you decided to become their friend?"
"...There was yesterday too... and I wanted a friend who was a knight who slew a dragon... and I was curious what kind of relationship you have with Lady Vivian..."
A dry laugh escaped him.
How full of flowers did her head have to be to make a proposal like that?
It was obvious she was a carefully raised daughter of a good house.
"You keep getting this wrong. I'm not a knight. I've never received a knighthood and I never will in this land. Honestly I think the whole knight thing is stupid."
"Even so..."
He fixed her with a warning stare.
"...If Vivian sees this, it won't end nicely. Every maid who tried to do something for me got an earful from her. She hates seeing me happy."
"..."
Lani hesitated for a moment at that.
Her eyes wandered in thought for a long while before settling on him again.
"Th-then secret friends..."
Even he had to click his tongue at that stubbornness.
From the look of it, more than anything else she was most fascinated by the fact that he had killed a dragon.
If he had known the aftershocks of slaying a dragon would grow this large, he might have thought twice about doing it.
"You're going home tomorrow anyway. What kind of friends would we even be?"
"N-now that I've gotten close to Lady Vivian, I'll be coming here often. We can just see each other then."
Right now she looked like she had no intention of going home until she achieved her goal.
No matter what question he threw at her, another excuse and reason popped out.
At this rate there was no winning.
"...If I say I'll be your friend, will you leave?"
"...Yes."
Her answer was firm. He sighed and considered.
His desire to get rid of her was firmer than ever.
After a long silence, thoroughly fed up, he answered quietly,
"...Fine. Then let's be friends."
"Really?"
"...Yeah."
At his words Lani wiped away the last of her tears and beamed.
He could not understand what made her so happy.
She was a completely different kind of person from him.
He flicked his fingers in a shooing motion.
"Go. Now."
"Yes!"
Having achieved her goal, she seemed to have no lingering regrets; she did not even talk back.
With that she vanished in an instant.
He almost wished she had been like that from the start.
"..."
Yet after she disappeared, a strange sensation took hold of him.
That he was pitiful.
Had anyone ever said that to him before?
He had never wanted pity, but the fact that someone had thought of him that way felt strange.
"Lady Vivian! Lady Vivian!"
The next morning Vivian had to feel confusion all over again at the completely transformed Lani.
Yesterday the girl had spent the entire day staring blankly as if lost in thought; today she was urgently calling for her the moment they met.
Unable to gauge the proper distance, a flustered Vivian shrank back.
But Lani, without the slightest understanding of Vivian's feelings, snatched her hand and held on.
With sparkling eyes she pleaded,
"Lady Vivian...! I-if it's all right... could I stay at Rondore Castle just a few more days?"
"Pardon?"
"I-I don't want to go home yet... and it would be a shame to part with you so soon..."
"..."
Vivian looked to Asha with eyes that begged for an explanation.
But Asha already wore a thoroughly weary expression and was simply waiting for Vivian's answer.
It seemed Lani had already spoken to her sister about it.
Out of politeness Vivian asked,
"A few days... how many, exactly?"
"T-two days or so... n-no, three days..."
At Lani's proposal, Kailo's face rose in Vivian's mind.
The person she could not meet while the Dubos party remained.
"...That would be difficult."
Vivian answered simply.
There was no long deliberation.
"My schedule is rather full... I don't think it will work. I'm sorry as well, but let's put it off for another time."
"...Yes."
Lani answered with a visibly disappointed expression.
That look of disappointment gave Vivian a small, private pleasure.
Disappointed because she did not want to part with her. After only a few days it already felt as if they had forged a rather close friendship.
"Instead, let's just have fun today."
Vivian suggested.
Lani nodded.
"Lady Lani, is there anything you'd like to do? If possible I'd like to grant it."
Lani smiled and shook her head as if trying to smooth over her earlier rudeness, then froze as something occurred to her.
In an excited tone she asked again,
"I-I'd like to watch the knights train!"
"..."
At that answer Vivian looked at Lani steadily.
A strange, uneasy feeling brushed past her for an instant.
An unease whose source she could not name.
Given how much Lani had talked about liking knights, the request was perfectly natural... so what was it?
Vivian stood still for a while, trying to read Lani's expression, but in the end she turned her head and called for the butler.
"Pipin."
"Yes."
"Which knight order is using the training grounds today?"
"The Disciplinary Unit, my lady."
Of course.
Vivian considered for a moment, then gestured for Pipin to lean close.
With crisp precision he bowed his head and brought his ear near.
"...Tell Sir Burgor that Kailo Allen is not to be included in today's training."
Lately Kailo had not been coming out anyway, but it was better to make certain once more.
Pipin nodded.
"Yes."
"...You did. Ah, by the way, why weren't you at training today?"
Lani came looking for him again that night and peppered him with whatever questions she felt like asking.
He answered,
"Vivian told me not to come out."
"Why?"
"Because of you lot."
"Why because of us?"
Thud.
He set down the wooden sword and replied,
"Vivian was looking forward to meeting you. She didn't want me spoiling it."
"...Were you planning to?"
"Even if I wasn't, Vivian and I fight a lot. She probably just didn't want to show that in front of you."
"Aren't you scared of fighting with Lady Vivian, Sir Kailo? Doing that in enemy territory seems terrifying."
No matter what he said, Lani kept chaining questions one after another.
Talking with her long enough, he eventually just went blank with a kind of wonder.
He started wondering whether that nonstop mouth would ever close.
Apparently he was simply not meant to get along with chatterboxes.
The longer they spent together, the more it felt like his stamina drained twice as fast.
"Enough. Go back and sleep already."
He suggested it to the chattering Lani.
But she clearly did not like that idea.
"...Why?"
"What do you mean why. You need rest if you're heading home tomorrow."
"Because I'm heading home tomorrow I should play more."
"..."
She looked at his stiff expression, then puffed out a breath and pretended to sulk.
"...Saying we'd be friends was all a lie, wasn't it? Who treats a friend like this."
She was dense, but Lani had a certain amount of social sense after all.
Maybe it was the kind of sense a noble was supposed to have.
"...I said all that and you won't even comfort me?"
Yet that particular brand of persistence was something he still could not get used to no matter what.
He sighed and shot back,
"Why should I?"
"...Haa."
Lani flopped onto her back in disappointment.
She showed no hesitation about lying on the dirt ground.
He had thought she was a carefully raised girl; seeing her act like that was unexpected.
At that unexpectedness he found himself stopping his training and simply watching her.
"You know, Sir Kailo. Since we're friends now... can I tell you one of my secrets?"
"We've barely met and you're dumping a secret on me? Are you crazy?"
Her sense of distance was still bizarre.
He felt once again how wide the world really was.
Lani giggled and answered,
"Actually that's exactly why I want to tell you—because we only just met. You don't seem like the type to judge me for it, and it doesn't seem like it would leak anywhere. I just want at least one person to know how I feel."
"You said you know plenty of young ladies. Just tell them—"
"—I want to run away from home."
Lani said it with a bright expression. It did not look like she was trying to hide pain.
Instead she spoke while gazing up at the stars with a face mixed with expectation and longing.
"I want to go on an adventure. Just a sword in hand, seeing the world. Meet a dragon, get into fights, climb high mountains... Being locked up in a manor is so boring."
Grinning, Lani turned to look at him this time.
"You understand why I can't tell the other young ladies this secret, right? A dream this unladylike just gets me teased."
He stayed frozen for a moment at the secret she had so casually spilled, then collected himself and answered,
"...You think I won't tease you? You've only ever been loved, so you have no idea how hard the outside world is. Swing a sword a few times, get blisters on your hands, and that pathetic little dream of yours will vanish in no time."
"...Is that so?"
"Your romance and reality are different. If you want to adventure around the world, you'd be better off latching onto some rich man and having him take you places."
"...Does that even make sense? Father will use me as a political tool. The moment I marry I'll be completely trapped. How am I supposed to tell a husband I want to go adventure the world?"
When Lani came at him like that, he could treat her a little more seriously.
She continued,
"Being sold off to someone I don't even love and having to live trapped for the rest of my life... doesn't that seem too cruel?"
"Is it that you hate being sold off, or that you want to go on an adventure?"
Lani gave an awkward smile.
"Honestly I don't really know either."
"..."
"Sir Kailo, I... to be honest, I think you're amazing. Living so steadfastly in a foreign land, hunting a dragon at your age, polishing your skills swinging a sword every night... all of it is just so incredible. The way you carve out your own path with your own strength is admirable."
"So that's why you came over."
"...Even if it wasn't that..."
"...?"
Her face suddenly flushed red. She cleared her throat and stood up.
She dusted off her back and walked right up to him.
"Sir Kailo, could I try swinging a sword just once?"
This request was not so easy to refuse.
It was not a proposal that would cause any real problem in the first place.
Without a word he held out the wooden practice sword to Lani.
Her eyes went round.
"I-is it this heavy...?"
She grunted and lifted it with both hands, then staggered.
Before long she set the wooden sword down again, exhaled, and said sheepishly,
"It's true. I guess it wasn't a realistic dream after all."
"...You've never had a chance to hold a sword before?"
"Father absolutely forbade it..."
In the end he was still human, so her circumstances gradually began to tug at him.
They were not bound by any grudge, so there was no real reason to force himself to hate her.
He did feel sorry for her.
But still, it was a story that had nothing to do with him.
"...If dumping your secret made you feel better, go back now. Honestly I can't even say your worries bother me. We weren't that close to begin wi—"
He was speaking when he looked up at the sky.
Lani did the same.
She stretched a hand out lightly and murmured,
"...Oh. Rain."
Shaaaa...
Vivian watched the pouring rain in silence.
The roads of Loktana, growing thickly wet and muddy, filled her vision.
She could not tell from where this sudden downpour had begun.
Vivian was not normally the type to dislike rain.
When the weather grew too stifling and hot, a good rain would leave things cool and pleasant for days afterward.
...But today's rain was something even Vivian could not welcome.
Her eyes, settled into a cold stillness, glared at the rain that kept falling without end.
Knock, knock.
Someone rapped on Vivian's door.
It was just before breakfast.
"Come in."
At Vivian's command the door opened and Butler Pipin appeared.
And behind him, just as she had expected, stood Asha and Lani.
Pipin spoke with a troubled expression.
"Lady Vivian, the young ladies of House Dubos were preparing to leave when this rain..."
"..."
The Dubos young ladies had truly become a nuisance by now.
She hated the situation that kept her from returning to her ordinary days because of them.
If things continued like this, how much longer would they stay?
Two days? Three? Four?
And as she measured that time, a very, very small voice inside her chest asked a question.
...When would she finally be able to share a meal with Kailo?
When would she be able to face him again?
How long would she have to pretend he did not exist and keep up the act in front of the Dubos girls?
Going to see Kailo while they were still here would look unnatural, after all.
....She wanted to see him no—
"........"
Vivian flinched at the thought that had suddenly spread through her.
At that single thought her heart began to pound hard and fast.
She was flustered and startled that she had thought such a thing at all, and her chest would not stop racing.
Strangely, as her body continued to grow, one odd reaction after another had begun to appear.
Vivian shook her head hard.
Asha and Lani looked at her with questions in their eyes.
She could not keep having strange thoughts in front of the two of them.
To treat the people who had come to help her this way.
It was unacceptable.
Vivian steeled herself, put on a smile, and said,
"Setting out on the road home through this weather would be dangerous. Stay until the rain stops and the ground hardens again."
"Really?"
Lani cried out in delight.
Vivian smiled and nodded.
Even so, inside her heart she kept thinking the same thing over and over.
Please, let the rain stop soon.