Runaway Ninja vs. Yakuza (1)
“This is ridiculously far.”
Bonita had insisted it wasn’t the frontier, but Goldon might as well have been. The place had such a nasty reputation that even the carriage drivers flat-out refused to go. Orphe managed to talk them into dropping us off nearby—except “nearby” still meant several more hours of mountain hiking before we reached the territory.
“You guys are screwing with me on purpose, right? This is the shortcut?”
Orphe had been diligently guiding us with the map, but trying to navigate a mountain choked with trees and undergrowth using a hand-drawn chart was pure insanity. So I’d physically “invited” the four perverts who’d been tailing us and peeping the whole way, and put them in charge of leading. The results so far were less than stellar.
“Th-this is still the fastest route, I swear.”
The man with the huge lumps on either side of his head—Hammerhead—was the boss of the Peeping Family.
“Ahh, so you don’t actually know what ‘fast’ means?”
A few light smacks and a quick game of Truth later, the lot of them confessed they’d been luring honest travelers with promises of guidance just to shake them down for cash. Compared to Yasa-yo they were small-time punks, but punks had a nasty habit of promoting themselves to full yakuza if you let them slide. Better to set them straight early so the common folk could sleep easy.
“Unicorn, front and center.”
“Y-yes…”
The woman with the massive horn-like lump on her forehead stepped up at once. I gave her shoulders a gentle knead for being so prompt.
“Uuuugh… sob…”
Unicorn shed tears of pure joy under the refreshing massage. Unicorn tears—those might actually be valuable.
“From now on, every time Hammerhead lies, Unicorn grows another horn. Got it?”
“Ah, yes!”
Their two buddies, Proboscis and Angler, kept their eyes glued to the tip of Orphe’s spear and shuffled along. Their noses and mouths looked comically tiny next to their faces, so I gave each a good tug to even things out. Now they almost looked normal. Proboscis and Angler were just nicknames, of course.
“It’s a little—no! Extremely rough! But this really is the fastest way!”
“A path we can finish in one hour, right?”
“I-if you could just give us a bit more time…”
“Don’t you know excuses are a sin?”
I rested my hand on Unicorn’s skull. Even a sweet ninja like me has limits when punks keep splitting hairs.
“One hour! Understood! One hour!”
Hammerhead started hacking branches aside with his stick and bolted ahead. At least the punk had some loyalty to his crew.
I checked on Diana now and then as we went. Being a yokai, her stamina put ordinary human girls to shame—she almost looked comfortable. Come to think of it, I’d been so busy educating the punks that I’d skipped her human lessons.
“Diana.”
“Yes?!”
“Lesson prep done?”
“…”
“Done?”
“…Of course.”
Her face darkened at light speed. Still a kid, so mountain climbing was rough? No matter—class would fix that.
“What must we eliminate for the sake of the people?”
“Yakuza, samurai, and yokai.”
“What are yakuza?”
“Evil groups that beat or threaten the people, extort their money and goods, enslave them, and kill them once they’re no longer useful.”
“And samurai?”
“They cut people down to test their swords… and hit them?”
“I said hitting is the yakuza’s job!!!”
“Eeeek! I know! I’m sorry!”
“Say it again.”
“They hide behind a mask of honor, cut down the people to test their blades, and treat them like insects.”
“That’s right.”
A perfect answer would have included the keywords “militarism” and “chosen-people complex,” but those were a bit advanced for a child. Being the considerate ninja I am, I let it slide.
“Yokai.”
“Usually called monsters. They transform into all sorts of shapes, are driven by violent and cruel instincts, and live only to devour the people.”
“Correct.”
“U-um…”
“Hmm?”
“Wasn’t I supposed to be taking human lessons…? The things we have to eliminate for the people don’t seem very related to how to live as a human.”
“Diana, you’re under a serious misconception.”
“Huh?!”
I’d planned to spare her the too-cruel truth for a little longer.
“A yokai can never become an ordinary person. Only by becoming a mutant ninja-dinosaur can you be recognized as an honorary human.”
“That can’t be…!”
“It can. Here, take this.”
I forced Delamion’s old headband into her hands—the one I’d recovered earlier.
“The bastard who wore this was a fake with dentures, but his skill was the real deal. Now that you’re becoming the genuine article, I’m entrusting this headband to you.”
“Ugh…”
“You can’t even cry properly! Did I or did I not tell you to stop whining?!”
What followed was a thoroughly chaotic lecture.
“Huff… huff… We’re finally here! This is Goldon!”
I flashed a brilliant smile at Hammerhead, who was panting with his tongue hanging out like a puppy.
“Good work.”
A rag-tag fortress that looked like it had been fished out of a dumpster greeted us. A huge hole in the center of the gate was patched with a giant sheet of wallpaper covered in bold lettering. I read it.
Goldon — Open for Business as Usual
Yeah. This place was thoroughly screwed.
“Uh, big bro—”
“Who’s your big bro?”
“Th-then…”
“Call me Boss. ‘Big bro’ sounds too yakuza.”
“Boss, then… we’ll be on our way now.”
“Where to?”
“The guiding’s finished, isn’t it?”
I hate kids who can’t take a hint.
“What’s finished is your punk lifestyle. I’m going to make you live like proper humans.”
“Huh?”
“You’re joining us on the sacred mission of protecting Goldon. Any complaints?”
Crack.
I snatched Hammerhead’s stick and crushed it in my grip. The four punks went white as sheets.
“If you’ve got any, we’ll talk with our fists. You can’t run anyway, so don’t try anything stupid. The second you bolt, I kill you. Not joking.”
I could have just massacred them all as potential yakuza. But turning even a scrap of redeemable evil into a good kid was part of a runaway ninja’s duty—Sanzang-ninja style. Of course, anyone who’d already bloodied their hands got no mercy.
“W-who goes there?”
Leading our now seven-strong party up to the fortress, a buzz-cut kid who looked like a private popped up on the crumbling watchtower. The all-wooden spear in his hands told me everything I needed to know about Goldon’s private troops.
I dug out my adventurer’s badge.
“Adventurers. We received a request for support. These people are my companions.”
“Ah—ah! Is that so! Please come in!”
Was security supposed to be this lax?
The private scrambled off, and a few minutes later the gate creaked open.
“This way, please!”
After a half-hearted check from the guards, we entered Goldon.
“W-we’re screwed.”
“Mommy…”
Angler and Proboscis started crying. Hearing “Angler” made me crave braised anglerfish. This world was short on the foods I liked. Once paradise arrived, maybe I should open a ramen shop? Except I’d only ever eaten the stuff—never cooked it.
“Please wait just a moment. I’ll arrange lodging for you right away.”
The village inside the fortress was deathly quiet. Almost no one walked the streets; people only peeked from windows with fear-filled eyes, watching us. Completely different from the folk of Martolan. It made my chest ache.
“I pray… I pray…”
“Nin?”
Some little kid was praying in front of an old tree. Don’t tell me this was yokai-tree worship? Yokai worship was a crime.
“What are you doing?”
The boy wiped his runny nose a few times and stood.
“Praying.”
“To whom?”
“The spirit of the tree.”
“What’s that?”
“The guardian deity that protects our Goldon. If I keep praying, it’ll descend.”
Poor kid. He couldn’t accept the cruelty of reality and had gone mad. This was exactly why yakuza couldn’t be allowed to exist. Violence turned the saplings of the future into lunatics, and those lunatics grew up to become yakuza themselves—an endless chain of violence. I wanted to say something, but no outsider’s advice could snap someone out of a delusion. Only their own will could help them face reality. Since it wasn’t actual yokai worship, I decided to let it go.
“I’ll protect Goldon, so don’t worry.”
“…Liar. Everyone who said that ran away.”
The private returned quickly and showed us to our lodging.
“For now, rest here. Around lunchtime tomorrow, please come to the lord’s residence. You’ll be able to meet the other adventurers then as well.”
It was an abandoned house, but big enough that sleeping wouldn’t be a problem. A bit filthy, sure—but that’s what the punks were for.
“Punks, clean up and then sleep in the living room. My ears are excellent, so don’t try anything funny or run off just because you think I’m asleep. Once this mess is sorted, you’ll become useful humans, so look on the bright side. Got a problem with that?”
I tossed my gear into the biggest room. The bed was decently large—nice.
“Robin.”
Orphe, finished unpacking with Diana, came into my room. She’d been giving me looks for a while, clearly wanting to talk.
“You planning to keep dragging those guys around?”
“In Goldon, yeah.”
“I don’t think they’ll be much help.”
“Just standing there is help enough. Think of them as four totems that buy the commoners time to escape.”
“…You really have zero mercy for criminals.”
A ninja doesn’t only hide his strength. Sometimes he has to hide his mercy too.
“You killed the Sword King’s prized disciple. Rumors about the runaway ninja are going to explode.”
“Nin-nin.”
“I know you’ll handle yourself, but just remember a lot of people will be hunting you. Stay careful.”
“Yes, Mom.”
I gave a half-hearted answer and flopped onto the bed. How were we even going to leave Goldon later? Ask the lord for a carriage? Or just have Diana turn into a dragon and fly us out?
Knock-knock.
“Uh, Boss. Someone’s here to see you, I think.”
I was dead tired. Who now?
I forced myself up with ninja rising technique and opened the door. A girl about Orphe’s age stood there holding a weird instrument.
“Hello~! I’m Muka the bard~! I heard you came to protect our Goldon~! So as a celebration~! I brought a wonderful song~! Just for you~!”
“We’re fine, thanks.”
Her voice was so loud my ears rang. I reached to close the door, but Muka barged right in without permission and struck a pose.
“Alright~! Today’s song is~! ‘The Carriage Driver of Goldon’!”
“I said we’re fine.”
I am~! The carriage driver of Goldon~!
Doon~ tan-tan-tan~ doon~ tan~
Not the carriage driver of Telas~!
Not the carriage driver of Lenghel either~!
Ah, shit.