I Must Never Do This Again
The sudden reaction from Shin Yujin caught me completely off guard. I found myself staring at her with pure confusion in my eyes. In all our fourteen years together, I had never once seen her lose her composure like that during a call with Kim Yerim.
My bewildered gaze was only natural.
“What’s wrong?”
Shin Yujin answered my question by simply shaking her head as if it were nothing. Once the call with Kim Yerim ended, she let out a deep sigh. Her reaction made it obvious that something was definitely going on, no matter how much she tried to brush it off. Maybe it was one of those things women couldn’t share with men. Well, I didn’t have any particular reason to pry.
A little more time passed, and soon it was time for lunch.
“How about kalguksu for lunch?”
“Kalguksu? Sounds good. But we’ll need to buy ingredients.”
“Then let’s go get them.”
“I’ll pay with my card.”
“I’ll buy them myself.”
“Where does a twenty-year-old get money like that? You already spent a lot buying dinner last night.”
After the considerable expenses from last night, I didn’t want Shin Yujin paying for lunch on top of everything else. Especially since she’d already made breakfast and was now planning to cook lunch herself.
“Then are you saying you have a lot of money?”
“I have three more years of life on you, so yes, I have some. Let’s go together.”
“Why? Are you worried about me?”
“I’m going to supervise so you don’t buy anything besides the ingredients with my card.”
“Hey, you don’t trust me?”
“At least not completely.”
“Too bad. I was going to buy some beef and have it with Yerim for dinner.”
“This is exactly why I can’t let you go alone.”
And so we headed to the supermarket near the house to do the grocery shopping together. I couldn’t even remember the last time we’d shopped for groceries like this. During our married life, she would simply hand me her card and I never went along.
“Oh, right. We’re out of milk at home, so we need to buy some.”
“Now that you mention it, you really did love milk.”
The moment I reached for the milk carton placed at the very front of the shelf, Shin Yujin slapped my hand away sharply.
What the—why was she suddenly acting like this?
“When you buy milk, you should take one from the back. They usually put the older stock at the front.”
“There was a rule like that?”
“Sigh. If you’d ever done the grocery shopping yourself, you’d know these things. You always left it to me, so of course you wouldn’t.”
After that, Shin Yujin’s grocery shopping lessons continued nonstop. How to choose fresh vegetables, how buy-one-get-one deals weren’t always the best choice, and so on.
It was fascinating to realize just how much thought she had put into every little thing while shopping all this time. If this was how she always did it, no wonder it took so long.
“We were just buying ingredients for kalguksu, but it took longer than I expected.”
“That’s why it always took me forever. But you would always whine about why I was taking so long.”
“That was… I’m sorry. I didn’t know any better.”
“It’s good that you can admit when you’re wrong.”
It was another moment when I truly realized how indifferent I had been. And just how much of a worthless piece of trash I had been.
Marriage was supposed to be about doing things together and creating time for each other. Yet at some point I had forgotten all about making time together and lived without considering Yujin at all.
I had assumed she felt the same… but seeing her like this now, it seemed that wasn’t the case at all.
When we got back home, Shin Yujin immediately started preparing lunch. After some time, the kalguksu was complete. And the kalguksu that Shin Yujin made, of course, delivered an absolutely superb taste.
“Is it okay?”
“Yeah, it’s delicious. Really.”
“When you’re home alone, don’t just boil ramen all the time. Make yourself proper food.”
“I don’t know how to make anything.”
“Oh, right. You were absolutely terrible at cooking.”
During our married life, I had learned to cook a few dishes, but none of them could compare to what Shin Yujin made. Besides, when I was alone, cooking just felt too bothersome.
After we finished lunch and spent a little more time together, Shin Yujin began preparing to head back to her place.
“I’m heading out now. Thanks for yesterday.”
“Yeah, take care.”
“And… I’m sorry. For suddenly calling you and asking for that favor.”
“If you’re sorry, treat me to charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi again sometime.”
“Ugh, you son of a bitch.”
“Yeah, you’re more of a son of a bitch.”
“Are you an elementary schooler?”
“I guess I’m an elementary schooler who’s older than you.”
With that friendly exchange of teasing remarks, Shin Yujin left the house.
Once I got home, I set my things down and collapsed onto the bed. Even though it had only been a single day, it felt like one of the most eventful days of my entire life.
“Ha… What the hell did I do?”
If I could turn back time and undo my actions, I would do it without a second thought. That was how little I could accept what I had done.
I knew it was something that hadn’t happened yet. I also knew that even after regressing, there was no guarantee it would definitely occur in the future. Still. Even though I knew all of that.
The anxiety I felt when I was alone at home refused to settle. The fear that someone might come to the house. The paranoia that someone might be watching me from somewhere. It wouldn’t stop.
At that moment, Han Yuchan’s face naturally flashed through my mind. I had no idea why. It simply kept rising up, swirling endlessly inside my head.
That was why I instinctively reached to dial Han Yuchan’s number, but the careless words I had spat out last night became a shackle holding me back.
It would have been fine if I had just said it simply.
“I really don’t know why I married someone like you.”
The words Han Yuchan had thrown at me before the regression suddenly came to mind, and irritation surged through me. It was already in the past, and we were no longer a married couple, so there was no reason to care. Yet I couldn’t hold it back.
I also carried guilt for the words I had said in the heat of emotion, so I had tried to endure it alone. But I simply couldn’t.
I told myself over and over that I shouldn’t do this, that nothing would change even if I did. But my hand was naturally pressing Han Yuchan’s number.
Because the moment I thought about the past, a sense of comfort and warmth washed over me.
Even though the only emotions I should have left were sharp and bitter ones, Han Yuchan worried about me and took care of me as if it were his own problem.
When Han Yuchan came to my house, I instinctively ran to him and hugged him tight without any thought. Only after the embrace did I realize what I had done, but I couldn’t pull myself out of his arms. That was how much relief I felt.
I was truly grateful for Han Yuchan’s actions and his heart.
It wasn’t that I was considering dating him again, but I realized that the only person who knew me best and took care of me was Han Yuchan.
“I must never do this again. Really, never again…”
He had told me I could come over to his house anytime when I was alone, but there probably wouldn’t be a next time.
Was it self-loathing? Or guilt? Whatever it was, those similar emotions overwhelmed me intensely.
“Yujin-ahhh!!”
While I was lost in thought, I heard Yerim’s voice as she opened the front door and came inside. When I stepped out after hearing her, she had an incredibly bright, glowing face and a cheerful expression. She must have had a great time with Hojin oppa.
“You’re back?”
“Aigo, my Yujin!!”
Yerim suddenly ran over and hugged me tight. She had always been very physically affectionate, especially during our college years.
“Did you not want to be alone, so you stayed at Yuchan oppa’s house?”
“Oh, right. And how could you say something like that? Yuchan oppa got startled when he heard me scream.”
“I’m honestly curious. How could I not ask when a man and woman are alone in a house together?”
“I told you. We’re not dating yet.”
“You’re not lying to us, are you?”
“Why would I lie about something like that?”
In my attempt to show that we had grown closer, it seemed I had only raised strange suspicions instead. At this rate, we might actually end up doing a fake relationship. That would make things incredibly complicated.
“Then you should have phrased it more indirectly. If you say it so bluntly, of course anyone would be surprised.”
“Sex is called sex. What else would I call it?”
“You really need to watch that mouth of yours!!”
“Hehe. Got it. By the way, it seems Yuchan oppa has amazing patience.”
Did he have great patience?
From what I remembered, that guy…
He would suggest doing it at the drop of a hat. Of course I enjoyed it too and accepted those requests, but still. If he truly had great patience, he wouldn’t have taken me home fourteen years ago.
Thinking back on it now, even in the early days of our marriage we had been quite passionate. We would want each other the moment our eyes met. We would skip our own free periods just to spend time together.
“Did anything fun happen at Yuchan oppa’s house?”
“Fun?”
There had been something fun, but how could I possibly tell her? The moment I said anything, she would definitely ask weird questions like whether we did it or not.
“Huh? You’re hesitating, so there must have been something.”
“There wasn’t.”
“There was. Tell this unnie everything.”
“Unnie? Your birthday is three months after mine.”
“I’m just curious. Please? Yujin-ah.”
“If you ask one more time, I won’t cook for you anymore.”
“…That’s so mean.”
Setting that aside, it really had been a good time. I was able to feel warmth and spend a somewhat comforting moment.
Of course, something like this would never happen again.
That was the polite thing to do, and I believed it was the right thing.