Starting Over - 2
The way the young lady addressed Brother had changed. She simply called him by name now, but coming from someone who attached “Young Master” or “Young Lady” to everyone, the change stood out all the more.
No one else had ever called Brother by name alone. At most, only the Countess residing in his territory did so.
Anyway, now that they were on a first-name basis, the young lady’s gaze toward Brother seemed even warmer.
Ah, it had always been like that.
Thinking about it, her eyes had always been full of warmth. I had just gotten confused for no reason.
Still, it was a relief. Brother seemed to have resolved the matter well.
So it was the young lady.
The one he had pushed away until now, the one he wanted to confide in. Of course it was the young lady. Nothing else could explain a change like this.
Yes, of course it was her. The young lady had always watched over Brother and expressed her affection. Brother must have held her in special regard as well.
It was only natural. Yes, only natural.
It’s natural, but…
Unlike me, who first met Brother at the Academy, the young lady had known him from before.
Unlike me, who had only ever been in his debt, the young lady had actively shown him goodwill.
And unlike me, a baron’s daughter, she was a duke’s daughter. Brother would find her far more reliable than me.
No matter how I thought about it, Brother had far more reasons to confide in the young lady than in me. I wasn’t so foolish as not to know that much.
But then why…
Why did my chest ache like this?
It was a good thing. Brother had resolved his worries, the young lady had grown closer to him. And I had been able to repay, even a little, the debt I owed him.
I forced myself to ignore the ache. It was a good thing. I had no reason to feel this way.
“Brother.”
But when I ran into him in the hallway, the ache only grew stronger.
Why am I like this? I shouldn’t be.
“I’m glad things seem to have worked out well.”
I managed a smile as I spoke. I couldn’t let worry cloud Brother’s bright expression.
“Ah, yes.”
Whether my smile looked unnatural or not, Brother nodded lightly. I was relieved I hadn’t given new worries to someone who had just solved his troubles.
Looking again, Brother’s expression was bright. Normally he wore a faintly furrowed look, but now he seemed at peace.
The dark circles were still there, though. Those really were just from overwork. How sad.
“It’s thanks to you. Thank you.”
While I stared at his face, Brother spoke. Thanks to me, thanks to me. I had been of help to Brother.
That single phrase made me smile on its own. The joy of having helped him was so great.
But with the joy came regret. I was confident I could do even more if it helped Brother. If only he had told me as well, not just the young lady.
I had shown my heart only to Brother. It was the only time I had.
I wasn’t unique to Brother.
The ache grew worse.
“In the end, it was Brother who did it. You’re the amazing one.”
Ugly, embarrassing feelings. What I had confided to Brother was just my one-sided childishness. It was too immature to expect him to do the same after I had done as I pleased.
So I didn’t express it. I simply smiled and congratulated him.
“I’m really grateful.”
When Brother patted my shoulder, I nearly burst into tears.
I’m strange myself. Even in something I can purely rejoice over, weird emotions keep mixing in.
“Mar will be grateful too when she finds out. When I rejected the marriage talk, I didn’t even properly explain the reason. It’s embarrassing that I only told her now.”
I nodded at Brother’s sheepish words.
I hadn’t known marriage talks had even gone back and forth between Brother and the young lady, but I wasn’t particularly surprised. Seeing the affection she showed him, it was only to be expected.
I simply found the young lady admirable for showing unchanging affection even after being rejected, and pitied Brother for having circumstances that made him reject someone like her.
“Um, Brother.”
“Hm?”
Then a sudden thought struck me. If Brother had a separate reason for rejecting the proposal, and he had confided that reason to the young lady—
And if hearing that reason had caused the young lady to change so drastically that she now called him by name—
“Th-this might be an improper question, but… then with Senior now…”
“Ah.”
It was far too personal a question. I knew I had no right to ask such a thing, yet my mouth opened on its own. As if instinct commanded me to find out at once.
My still-functioning reason stopped the instinct before the sentence finished, but Brother seemed to realize what I was about to ask and stroked his chin.
“I don’t know when it will be, but the marriage talks will probably start up again.”
“I-I see.”
I hurriedly nodded at Brother’s answer.
“Congratulations!”
“Isn’t it a bit early when we don’t even know when?”
At Brother’s light chuckle, I hehe-ed back. If I didn’t laugh like this, some other expression might come out.
We exchanged a few more words before Brother left. In that short time, he thanked me several more times.
Marriage talks.
I lightly placed a hand over my chest, which had been aching since earlier.
Brother and the young lady getting married.
The ache grew even more intense.
Ah, so that was why. So that was it.
It wasn’t just that I wanted to repay him.
Only at the very end did I notice. Only when Brother was about to share moments with someone else did I understand my own heart.
It wasn’t simply a desire to repay Brother. I wanted to look good to him, I wanted his attention.
I liked him.
A hollow laugh escaped. Why did I only realize this now?
Because I was bound by the past and covered my own eyes? Because I didn’t listen to my own heart?
What did it matter? Either way, the result was the same.
I’m such a fool.
I should have noticed from the moment I told Brother about my past. There’s no way I said those things on a whim.
I wanted Brother to know about me, because I could trust him, because I wanted him to embrace me.
Even if my head said no, my heart already knew. That signal had been my last chance.
Foolish and even cowardly.
I confided my past because I thought of Brother as special. So I hoped he would think of me as special and confide his past as well.
Yes, that must have been it. Otherwise I wouldn’t feel this disappointment and regret toward him.
It’s embarrassing. I did something cowardly and shameful. I made a confession without even realizing it myself. And then I got depressed thinking that unknown confession had been rejected.
This is my punishment.
But who can I blame? It’s all my fault. I’m the one who closed my eyes and ears after going through something bad.
And I’m the one who pushed others away because of my personal past. Erich, Ainter, Ryutis, Later, Tanian… I pushed them all away.
Since I knew others’ feelings and ignored them, now it’s my turn for my own heart to be pushed away. Yes, this is my punishment.
If only I had noticed a little sooner.
If I was going to realize it anyway, I wish I had noticed even a little earlier. Then I could have at least tried before the conclusion was reached.
If that was impossible, I wish I had never known at all. Then I wouldn’t have to ache like this.
If back then…
In the consultation with Brother…
The moment I touched a thought I shouldn’t have, I slapped both cheeks with my palms. Snap out of it. How cowardly are you going to get?
The young lady liked Brother bravely and persistently. She’s different from me. I have no right to interfere.
Something trickled down my cheek. I must have slapped myself too hard. It hurts so much that tears are even coming out.
Yes, it’s because it hurts.
Walking without thinking, I arrived somewhere other than where I had intended to go.
No, where was I trying to go in the first place?
Does it even matter?
What use is it wherever I go? In this state of mind, I’d probably be depressed even in heaven.
Looking around, the place was familiar. Looking at the door, it was Irina’s room. Of all places, I came to Irina’s room.
Don’t tell me I want comfort? This is something that happened because I’m stupid and cowardly, and I even want comfort for it?
I stared blankly at the door, then turned around. Let’s go back. For a while, I’ll just stay in my room—
“Huh, Luise?”
With the sound of the door opening came Irina’s voice.
Is today just one of those days where nothing goes right?
As soon as I stepped out for a short walk in the garden, I saw Luise. Perfect timing. I was bored being alone.
But I quickly discarded that thought. Seeing Luise looking somehow dejected, there was no way I could drag her around.
In the end, I forcibly shoved the continuously refusing Luise into my room.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
Seeing her hehe laugh, the words “Don’t talk nonsense” rose to my throat.
Nothing wrong? Who would believe that when a girl who’s always bright is walking around with such a gloomy expression?
After that, I tried every word to get her to spill her feelings, but Luise remained silent. This dense girl, why is she like this?
“The young lady’s mood got better, and now you’re the strange one.”
I said with a sigh of frustration. Ever since returning from the Tailglehen county, the young lady who had seemed lost in some worry had suddenly become much happier recently. To the point of calling Brother by name.
“Brother’s expression brightened too.”
“Yeah… that makes sense. Something good is going to happen soon.”
I nodded at Luise’s weak reply. If you can’t predict the future from Brother and the young lady’s appearance, you’re no noble. How would you survive high society without even that much sense?
Still, it’s a relief. As expected, Brother’s first wife will probably be the young lady.
“Brother won’t have any restrictions, then.”
I muttered unconsciously in relief. If the first wife is the young lady, he won’t have to worry about status when taking other wives. Even I, from a count’s family, would be enough…
Ah, no. What am I saying. Brother and I just know each other casually. We’re not at the level to discuss such a future.
…Not yet.
“No restrictions?”
As I shut my mouth in embarrassment, a voice full of questions came.
“Exactly as I said. If Brother marries the young lady, there’s nothing to worry about.”
But even at my answer, Luise tilted her head. As if she had no idea what I meant.
What, why doesn’t she get it?
Ah.
Luise is from a baron’s family, after all. Taking multiple wives is usually for high nobles of count rank and above, so she might not know.
“When taking other wives, you can’t take one of higher status than the first wife.”
If you take a wife of higher status than the first, there’s a chance the first wife becomes a figurehead. So this unspoken custom arose. Of course, it’s fine if the third wife is higher than the second. It’s a custom only for the authority of the first wife.
And with no unmarried imperial princesses in the current imperial family, if the first wife is a duke’s daughter? Then every lady in the empire enters the candidate pool.
“So what Brother has to worry about is… Luise?”
Vitality began to return to Luise’s previously listless body.