111 – Satisfy the Virgin Goddess's Picky Appetite! #2
Among the Greek heroes, if you had to pick the unluckiest bastard, it'd hands-down be Actaeon. He was a prodigy, disciple of the famous centaur Chiron, and sailed with legends like Heracles and Jason on the Argo expedition.
One day, after wrapping up a grueling adventure, he went hunting with his buddies as a post-mission cooldown and stumbled on a spring. It was the bathhouse favored by the goddess of chastity, Artemis. And wouldn't you know it, she was mid-soak that very day.
─Gasp! To think such a beautiful woman existed!
Actaeon froze solid at the sight of the goddess's nude form. They say people sometimes stop dead when beholding a masterpiece of art too grand for words. And with the most renowned beauty in the divine realm laid bare, who could blame him?
─Eek...!
─Intruder alert-nipdat...!
─Covering up Lady Artemis's body with our palms...!
The nymphs bathing with Artemis scrambled to shield her, but they were pint-sized, and she was tall and statuesque. No dice. Artemis was livid that a mere mortal man had dared glimpse her naked glory. She scooped up a handful of water and sploooosh─hurled it at him.
─Let's see you go blabbing about seeing Goddess Artemis in the buff!
Actaeon got drenched. Fur sprouted across his body, antlers pushed from his skull, and his hands twisted into hooves. A deer. Actaeon had become a deer.
─Beeeeh!
─Punishment for peeping on a goddess's bare skin!
Deer-Actaeon bolted. Just then, his hunting pals—and the loyal hounds he'd raised with such care—spotted him.
─Woof woof...!
─Grrr...!
The hunting dogs gave chase, aiming to bag the deer for their master.
─Beeeeh!
And so Actaeon met his end at the jaws of his own devoted hounds. The faithful pups, none the wiser, waited loyally for their owner to return—so they could present their prize stag. But Actaeon never came back. The dogs starved to death right there, holding vigil for their master.
"King of the Gods Zeus, moved by pity for those tragic hounds, lifted them to the heavens and made them the Little Hunting Dog constellation. That's the tale."
Crowzer's explanation wrapped there. So many places to nitpick.
"Not Little Dog, but Little Hunting Dog? From what I recall, Actaeon raised hunting hounds, not those."
"Hunting hounds it is. Actaeon was a heaven-sent breeder of them."
Maybe the lore warped over time from hunting hounds to something else. Whatever. The point wasn't that.
The deer right in front of us was the star of that unlucky yarn: Actaeon.
─Beeeeh!
But no matter how I squinted, this wasn't a deer—it was a horned muntjac. Looked just like the ones I saw during my military days up front.
"My brother Joey. You sure about helping Actaeon get revenge? Word is, he was so notoriously jinxed no one would go near him!"
As I said before, Actaeon was a standout even among Greek myths for his rotten luck. Random spring? Goddess bathing. Penalty? Beast-mode and death.
Stick with a guy like that?
'You'll finally get what "bad luck rubs off" really means.'
Avenging yourself on a goddess? Absurd on its face. Execs in Soul Society or Olympian council-level gods were like natural laws themselves. Autumn ends, winter comes. Gravity pulls down. Unchangeable truths.
Revenge on a god? That's warring with the laws of reality. Could a lone human beat a typhoon? Fat chance. The outcome? Oblivion.
Which made it worth the shot.
'Piss off a guest goddess on earth, commit a massive screw-up, get demoted and fired─. Perfect picture. Vivid as hell.'
The god of opportunity wasn't just flashing his bald forehead—he'd tossed me the forelock too. Let this slip, and I wasn't a man.
"No choice. I'll help with Actaeon's revenge too! No grudge with Artemis myself, but where brother Joey treads, this Crowzer follows—that's the rule!"
No such rule.
I flashed back to Crowzer's star turn at the princess's birthday bash not long ago. Total slacker employee otherwise, but steps up when it counts.
"Heard Goddess Artemis rolls with nymph bodyguards nonstop. Nymphs sworn to eternal chastity! Nail this, and their hair... heh heh heh...."
Crowzer, you opportunist—helping me's just the excuse. You're thrilled at scoring nymph hair to fix your instrument. That sleazy grin had sweet Echo recoiling, punching him silly.
I ignored the beatdown and asked the horned muntjac Actaeon, "Got a plan?"
Goddess Artemis was the nymphs' protector. No one listened to their sorrows, tears, and pains like her.
Though she clashed with a few, sure....
Point was, she loved nymphs. That's why she guarded her cousin-sister Melinoë during meditation retreat.
'Bad men might sneak up while the goddess is defenseless.'
Her strategy paid off big.
"Lady Artemis. Caught a shady one."
"Says he's from Tartarus—a skeleton assassin."
Artemis's nymph guardswomen had nabbed the assassins targeting Melinoë. Fully mature nymphs blessed by the huntress goddess, their martial prowess was no joke.
"Keep guarding Melinoë tight, especially block that guy 'Joey.' Got it?"
"But Lady Artemis, from what I hear, this Joey doesn't sound that bad."
"He's the one who pushed the Nymph Quota System!"
"A human that nymph-friendly? Unreal!"
"You think? The Honorary Nymph legend! Liberator Joey Noi!"
"Nah, Joey Noi's just kid nymphs gossiping."
Artemis's guards were smitten with prime suspect 'Joey' instead of wary. His feats screamed pro-nymph.
"We get worrying for Lady Melinoë, but maybe Joey's actually good?"
"Right? You're no stranger to love yourself, Lady Artemis. They call it hypocrisy these days."
Dong do tot-to.─The nymph guards started a cheeky dance, teasing her.
Artemis bristled.
"...Tch, shut it! Just obey!"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Always so picky."
"Can't get hitched, huh."
"Muhuhu hu hu!"
Tch─. Artemis stormed out of the ghost shrine, leaving the cheeky nymphs behind.
Like they said, she knew love. It'd ended before starting—in epic tragedy.
Blame her fate as 'Moon Goddess.'
The Fates decreed moon goddesses rarely got normal love. It always crashed into tragedy.
'Moon goddesses are jinxes, dragging misfortune.'
That's why she'd vowed eternal virginity—to shield herself from tragedy, and any lovers from doom.
'Creepy new-moon Melinoë can't escape moon-goddess fate either. Called "Ghost Goddess" now, but...'
Underworld gods grew domains and power with shares absorbed.
If Ghost Goddess Melinoë claimed 20% shares safely, she'd wield full new-moon might too.
'New Moon and Ghost Goddess – Melinoë.'
Then she'd fall to the Fates' prophecy. Love leading to ruin.
"Hieeek─!"
A bloodcurdling shriek pierced the air—more wraith's wail than scream. The Ghost Goddess, no doubt.
"Melinoë! What happened?!"
Artemis dashed back inside. Nymphs milled anxiously outside Melinoë's door, clueless and fidgeting.
"She won't open!"
"Lady Melinoë! You okay?!"
─I'm fine. Don't come in. Just startled a bit. Absolutely do not enter. I'm a perfect, beautiful goddess. No issues. Absolutely!
Melinoë panted behind the sealed door. She gnashed her teeth at her shattered reflection.
'A curse. Horrific curse. How did I, perfectly beautiful, end up like this─.'
Whoosh.─She yanked a curtain to smother the mirror shards hiding her image. To reassure the worried women outside, she called,
"Tiny, teeensy hiccup absorbing shares. Guess cramming too much at once backfired."
Luckily, Melinoë was a curse expert. Trained in night sorcery by Nix, prime pupil of crossroads-magic-necromancy-boundary goddess Hecate.
Her fix called for...
"Artemis, fetch these ingredients. First, muntjac horn. Hunting dog tail fur, lion spider song, and─."
Muntjac horn? Hunting dog tail fur? Lion spider song?
Weird shit across the board.
"Muntjacs don't have horns."
"Horn from a hornless beast how...?"
"Hunting dogs are quick—hard catch. Lion spiders don't sing."
"Heroic labors-level fetches, each one...."
The nymph guards eyed each other. Even hunt-pro Artemis chewed her thumbnail, stumped.
"Didn't you hear something?"
My ears perked, gaze snapping to one spot.
Crowzer just dug his pinky in his ear and blew─.
"Hear what?"
"Like a scream...."
"Scream? These absolute-pitch ears of Crowzer heard zilch."
─Beeek!
Horned muntjac Actaeon seemed deaf too.
Probably my imagination. Stress from recent crap making me hallucinate.
"Anyway, Actaeon, these ingredients right? Muntjac horn. Hunting dog tail fur. Lion spider song, siren scale...."
Long-dreamed revenge: Gather these, brew 'Secret Potion.' Gods couldn't shrug it off easily.
Slip it to Artemis for payback—that's Actaeon's scheme.
Snap.─Actaeon rammed his head-horn into the wall, snapping it off.
First ingredient: Muntjac Horn acquired.
"Dude, you're a muntjac too, not a deer."
─Peeeek!