003_This Is Insane. She's Insane.

Run. That was the right call.

Enuk had said she could substitute for the app's functions, after all.

"Can you teleport me straight to the Tower? Straight into the Tower, right?"

That was the only way out. At my current speed, no matter how fast I ran, they'd catch me in no time.

"Yes, Your Majesty. Though I beg your forgiveness — it will require some three minutes."

"That's bad news."

The officials would probably take less than thirty seconds to smash the door down and come charging in.

"But fear not, I pray. Not so much as a single ant shall set foot through that entrance."

Enuk gave a faint smile.

It was absolutely not going to be a normal method, but hiding or stalling for time with words was hopeless.

Sorry, landlady — but this isn't even my place, and I'm leaving today anyway.

"Don't kill them. Just seal the entrance. And don't let them figure out what we are."

There were quite a lot of conditions, but if this was real magic, surely it could handle at least a few of them.

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"As Your Majesty wills."

Enuk bowed with perfect courtesy.

A moment later, the hand that gripped her staff toward the door turned listless and curt.

Wriggle, wriggle.

From the staff, nameless things squirmed and slithered like a living creature.

"O unconverted one, serve thy master. Grow through eternity, that thou mayest bar the trespasser's footsteps."

As the cringe-inducing incantation rang out, pale mycelia began spreading over the door and the windows.

"Something weird's growing all over here!"

"Move! I'll open it myself!"

Bang! Bang!

The officials must have brought tools along, because they made short work of smashing through the door.

But the sound of splintering wood lasted only an instant.

"What the — this weird stuff isn't showing the slightest sign of disappearing..."

"Stop standing there like an idiot and move! The cutter — get the cutter!"

Thoroughly prepared, aren't we.

Not much longer until that door opened.

"Grab whatever you need, quick. It's about to give."

In stark contrast to my frantic scrambling, a smile thick with mockery toward the mycelium spread across Enuk's lips.

"Please wait just a little longer, Your Majesty. Very soon."

Clunk!

"What the... The cutter — the one that slices through even alloy like paper — shattered the moment it touched this stuff?"

At the faint sound of an official's groan, a groan escaped me in sympathy.

This magic is absolutely busted!

Enuk knelt before me again, her face glowing with pride.

"Command me, I pray. My magic exists for Your Majesty alone."

Under any other circumstance, I would have wanted to shower her with praise.

"We need to request backup! This is beyond what the two of us can handle. Report to the regional hunter immediately!"

This was no time to be standing around dumbstruck.

Just before bolting for the Tower, I opened the Grimoire app to gather the materials I needed.

Something like an encyclopedia unfolded before my eyes.

Appropriately enough, it read like a book of crafting recipes — photos, production methods, the works. Even so, I couldn't view every single recipe.

"Your Majesty's Majesty is not yet sufficient. Her Majesty's current Majesty stands at Stage One..."

Most of the photos and recipes were censored, overlaid with those very words.

Great — so there's more I can't make than stuff I can.

"How do I raise this Majesty stat?"

"Prove Your Majesty's majesty before all the world. Strike down the mighty, or conquer the Tower and make Your name known — then even the simpletons shall kneel before the wonder of Your Majesty."

"Ooh..."

That actually doesn't sound bad?

I became a hunter because I wanted recognition, after all.

And for that, crafting something with this Grimoire would be a good start.

"Something reasonably easy to make..."

Found it.

Right near the front page, there was something good.

It wasn't the stealth equipment I so desperately needed, but this looked plenty useful in its own right.

"It requires five or more pieces of metal that remember blood, and the performance grows stronger the more weapons you feed it..."

As for the effect: it changed shape according to its master's will, and depending on the weapon, it raised the stats required all the way up to C-rank.

"Perfect for me."

The explanation was a garbled mess, but it was easy to make.

"Anything counts as long as it's a weapon I've killed something with, right?"

If so, our house was overflowing with them.

Everything from the greatsword hanging over there to the stilettoes and the hammer.

Sure, my kill count against people was zero — but there was no condition saying it had to be human blood, was there?

Either way.

"Let's grab the materials fast. Mind giving me a hand moving the weapons?"

Secure the materials first. I could do the crafting during the thirty-minute wait you're given before entering the Tower.

Might as well make myself a self-defense weapon while I was at it.

"As Your Majesty wills."

Enuk gave her staff a light sweep.

Palm-sized mushrooms sprouted up here and there and began moving on their own, collecting the weapons one by one.

Wow, this is literally just click-and-done.

As for why they happened to be mushrooms — I figured that just as I was a Nue Queen, Enuk was probably some kind of cordyceps relative, and let it slide without much thought.

"I can't just stand around watching, either."

Me carrying things would only get in the way, so I'd cheer her on by eating the materials.

"This one should do."

With trembling hands, I picked up a longsword.

How much did this one cost again?

No. Stop dwelling on that.

With this completely muscle-less body of mine, I couldn't swing it even if I wanted to.

"Just one bite."

Tentatively, I bit into the hilt first.

Crunch.

It gave way easily.

Crackle, crunch.

The more I chewed, the nuttier it tasted.

The flavor rang a faint bell.

This is...

"Isn't this kebab?"

I'd eaten it exactly once in my life, but that was the taste, all right.

Chomp, chomp.

I gingerly tried a bite of the blade, too.

With every chew, bursts of meaty juice and the rich savor of spices fired off intensely against my tongue and the tip of my nose.

Delicious!

No reason to chicken out — I could probably finish the whole thing?

*****

I devoured the weapons Enuk had gathered like a woman possessed.

The spear tasted like a baguette sandwich.

The stiletto tasted like that discontinued fruit sherbet.

Who needed a buffet?

"Uuugh... I can't eat another bite."

My antennae fluttered happily too.

Still lying down, I ran a hand over my stomach — now plump and soft.

Have I gained a little weight? There's a bit of a belly forming, I think.

Considering how much I'd eaten, this much expansion was physically impossible — but hey, I'd take it.

"Your Majesty. Ten seconds remain until Tower transport."

"Great timing. Got it."

When I sat up, my stomach began deflating as if on cue.

No exaggeration — even the belly fat sucked itself right back in.

What on earth is up with this body's digestion and bite force?

"They said the regional hunter will be a bit delayed. Would you explain the situation again, precisely?"

Just before entering the Tower, a dignified, composed woman's voice carried through the crowd of officials.

"Well... we're at a loss ourselves, Team Leader. It grew like that out of nowhere, and when we tried cutting it, nothing worked at all."

"Haah... It's not my older sister's... The regional hunter will arrive shortly, so please compose yourselves. I have no other means to resolve this either."

Wow, that was genuinely close.

Gyeonggi Province's regional authority should be S-Rank — that could have been dangerous.

"Transporting now."

Amid the officials' sighs of relief, Enuk's and my forms dissolved into motes of light and vanished.

*****

Light returned to my vision.

"We've arrived."

Where we'd arrived was not what I expected.

I'd figured it would be around Floor 13, the one I'd been planning to clear with my party members.

"This is Floor 1, my Queen."

"Yeah. Floor 1."

In gaming terms, this was the tutorial zone — the Round 1 stage.

One look at the characteristic blackened brickwork and the gloomy fog blanketing the gate left no doubt.

"That's strange."

As far as I knew, there was no legitimate way to descend the Tower — only to climb it.

"So it's treating me like a first-timer."

It felt like my entire record had been wiped, and the uneasiness was hard to shake.

A moment later, a status window appeared before me.

"Same difficulty options as ever. And now that I know all the strategies, obviously Hard..."

What the — why is it suddenly being creepy?

The status window had started malfunctioning.

"Enuk, any idea why it's doing this?"

"The Tower has beheld Your Majesty's greatness. Your Majesty's standing is so mighty and so wise that the existing difficulties simply cannot contain it."

"Pretty sure this is your fault."

I'd just take it to mean our party was so strong that a new difficulty had been unlocked.

"Now that's a bloodthirsty name."

Lunatic difficulty. The madman tier.

As if it had been waiting for my question, Enuk's eyes took on a yellow glow before her lips parted.

"It is a difficulty granted only to the chosen few of the strong, selected by the Tower itself. Quad, the Rank 1 hunter of the United States, and even the Overlord of Hong Kong have claimed to challenge it — yet no definitive strategy for clearing it has ever emerged."

"America and China — no, wait, Hong Kong's number one?!"

"Mere rabble who could not hope to reach even the soles of Your Majesty's feet, of course."

So this was truly a difficulty reserved for National Authority-Rank hunters.

Naturally, any sane, mentally stable person would pick Hard.

...

"Let's go Lunatic."

If I didn't do this, why bother being a hunter at all?

"As expected of Your Majesty. An exemplary choice."

Presumably the Tower had granted this to me because it saw potential.

Wasn't that proof of just how strong Enuk was?

If it were a difficulty that simply couldn't be cleared, it never would have unlocked in the first place.

And above all —

My dopamine circuitry was broken; nothing less than this could satisfy it.

Climb the Tower, earn the world's recognition. That was my happiness.

If I posted a clear certificate on Hunter Gallery with a VPN and a burner account, people wouldn't even know it was me — they'd call it insane, right?

Absolutely no giddy newbie behavior. No showing off.

The only correct play: a single clear-cert post from the burner account, with a title that was nothing but a period. That's when the reactions get real.

"Heheh... heheheh..."

Huh?

When I came to my senses, Enuk was tenderly wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth.

Oh.

I pulled my mouth away from the handkerchief.

"Slurp — mm. Don't mind me. Occupational hazard."

My words were perfectly casual, but there was no helping the urge to hide from embarrassment.

"It is my sole joy to be of service to Your Majesty."

She really is loyal to an excessive degree.

This was getting mortifying — time to change the subject.

"Obviously. Yes."

Definitely not "no."

I still had something to make, after all.

I immediately began tailoring the Infinite Armament.

Threads spewed from my hands and began winding themselves together.

The cascading threads drank in light as they interlaced, slowly taking shape into something.

I gazed at the starter weapon I'd burned my entire net worth on with expectant eyes.

"What is that monstrosity."

It looked like a magical girl toy painted over in black.

A cane — but unlike Enuk's, it was stubby and short, and incredibly shabby-looking.

No wonder the Grimoire didn't have a photo for it.

"Your Majesty will wield that armament as easily as Your own hand and foot."

"I'd better."

She'd given me her encouragement; might as well give it a try. Whatever.

I gripped the cane and adjusted my stance.

Keeping my wrist movement loose and free, I fine-tuned the angle so I could land one decisive blow.

Faster than I could blink, the cane had transformed into the shape of the rapier I'd always favored.

Before I knew it, strength had flooded into the hand gripping the hilt.

From a hand that looked like it belonged glued to its mother's — an absurd, impossible grip strength was pouring out.

"Enuk, you were right. Now that I look at it properly — I'm satisfied."

This was going to be extremely useful.

"Then shall we be off?"

"As Your Majesty wills."

Small stuff could wait. Right now, all I wanted was to swing this thing.

Grrooomble.

As if it had read my heart, the gate swung open.

*****

CLANG!

The moment we stepped inside, the gate slammed shut behind us, rough and irreversible.

As my vision cleared, an enormous space revealed itself, bathed in a dim, murky light.

"Even the map layout is identical to Floor 1."

At my remark, Enuk widened her eyes in genuine awe.

"Even Your Majesty's erudition inspires reverence in me. Ignorant creature that I am, I was merely attempting to look up the information in the Grimoire."

"Thanks for the compliment."

This did make me want to puff my chest out a little.

Enuk's knowledge was search-engine tier, so it wouldn't work for her — but I had my own ten years of hunter experience under my belt. This, I knew.

In that case, a goblin pack should be somewhere around there.

There.

"This is insane."

The Normal difficulty I remembered had consisted of two melee mobs and one ranged mob.

Clank, clank.

We were facing an army.

Clad head to toe in plate armor and armed with steel weapons, the sight sat so horribly wrong on goblins it was almost offensive.

They were even one and a half times the size of an ordinary goblin.

"Gahk! Women! An unripened one, and a voluptuous one, together!"

Nature will out, it seemed — the goblins immediately started spewing vulgar filth.

"HOWL! You witless wretches! The spoils belong to me, your chief! Defy me and die!"

From among the goblins, a fat, hulking mass that looked a good three meters tall emerged — unmistakably the boss mob.

Going at this alone was obviously hopeless.

"Enuk, those guys—"

I'd meant to ask whether she could handle them.

The question never got finished.

The veins on Enuk's forehead were bulging out, every last one of them.

"Insolent, vulgar wretches! Before WHOM do you dare spew such blasphemous filth at Her Majesty?! You shall count death itself a blessing too merciful to receive!"

Wow, she is furious.

"Your Majesty, I beg you — entrust them to me. I shall make certain they pay the full price."

Even amid the chaos of the goblins charging in with jeering laughs, Enuk lowered herself with perfect courtesy and asked for my will.

"You can handle them, no question. Could you stop the ones charging in first?"

"As Your Majesty wills."

Enuk raised her staff like a mage about to declare none shall pass, and faced the goblins with solemn grandeur.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Her staff struck the ground hard three times.

"O unconverted one, kindle madness upon the heads of these beasts maddened by their own instincts!"

The goblins flinched at the pressure and stopped for a moment.

"Kekkek! Nothing's happening at all! Stupid female!"

Before long, they were licking their lips and laughing at Enuk.

But a few of the laughs began to die.

And then —

THUNK!

"Kyek?!"

The goblin next to the laughing one caved its head in with a mace.

For a goblin pulling off such a stunt, it looked oddly dazed, drool running down its chin.

CRACK!

The goblin that had attacked its comrade was cleaved in two by another goblin's axe.

That one, too, had a blank stare and drool at the corner of its mouth.

CRACK! SPLAT! CRUNCH-CRUNCH!

That was the start of it. The goblins began smashing each other's heads in.

That vast army — one became two, two became four, multiplying like dominoes toppling in a chain — and in an instant, there were more goblins without heads than with them.

Worse, the headless goblins rose like zombies and swarmed the boss in a coordinated assault.

"HOWL! Stay back! You sons of bitches—"

The boss mob resisted.

Not that it mattered — every goblin's head was gone, and they had all become its enemies.

In the end, it died a miserable death, weapons bristling from its body like a hedgehog's spines.

The instant the final boss mob perished, the status window popped up.

I racked my brain fast, trying to process the impossible situation.

There was only one conclusion.

"She's insane."

I had somehow acquired a flustered, fidgeting subordinate who could pull off something like that — and still walk around hoping for nothing more than a pat on the head.