404 NOT FOUND
"Considering the disrespect I once showed Your Majesty, it was a truly merciful punishment."
Enuk was saying this while gazing upon the scene before us — a mountain of headless goblin corpses.
Her shoulders were trembling, ever so slightly.
Isn't that what little kids do when they want to look humble but secretly want to be praised?
Not that what Enuk had pulled off wasn't extraordinary.
Forty-five seconds.
By my rough estimate, that was how long it had taken her to exterminate several hundred C-Rank monsters along with what looked like at least one B-Rank, all by herself.
And above all — a new world record.
She had surpassed the records of Quad, America's hunter whose power the US Department of Defense itself admits rivals their own, and the Overlord, the National Authority-Rank legend who won independence for Hong Kong, Tibet, and other minority regions against the Chinese Communist Party.
Whether Enuk was actually stronger than them was uncertain, but the claim that she outclassed them in sheer massacre carried real credibility.
"How did you do that? What kind of magic was it?"
There was no explaining that scene without magic.
Had she cast some kind of mass frenzy?
"I merely spread a spore that compels the monsters' brains to kill one another."
Enuk delivered the recipe for a zombie apocalypse with a shy little smile, as if confessing something embarrassing.
"Wow..."
With an expression like that, this clearly wasn't even her limit.
It meant that if I commanded it, she could do far worse.
Even as I marveled anew at that immense power, I noticed Enuk pursing her lips and fidgeting.
"What's wrong?"
"N-nothing at all, Your Majesty. Pay it no mind."
Eyes lowered, she was glancing up like a puppy hoping for something, then dropping her gaze again, over and over.
Just come out and say you want to be praised.
Even I, with zero talent for reading the room, could tell that much.
Right. She did pull off something incredible.
And it wouldn't hurt to cement our friendly relationship, either.
My parents never once praised me my whole life, but it's not exactly hard, is it?
"Tell me what you'd like. If it's within my power, I'll grant it."
"Y-Your Majesty! The grace you bestow is far too generous for my worthless merits—"
Is refusing once the etiquette in some insect kingdom or whatever?
"No need to refuse. There's not much I can offer anyway."
If not for Enuk, I'd be dead right now.
I was willing to grant a fair amount.
Anything perverted, like groping, is excluded.
If she demanded something like that, I'd be keeping my distance for a while, Enuk or not.
"...Could you pet me?"
"What? What did you just ask for?"
"I-if you would stroke my head, I shall devote this worthless body entirely to Your Majesty's service. If my request is too presumptuous, please look away and pretend you never heard it..."
I waved my hand in dismissal.
"I suppose not, then... Your Majesty's will is my own. I need nothing of the sort—"
"No, hold on. You're just too tall. My arm can't reach."
Enuk was really tall.
My original body had been about 180 centimeters, and she was only a touch shorter than that.
"Oh."
Her face flushed crimson in an instant.
"I — I accept the command!"
She promptly lowered herself until she was practically crawling.
Apparently quite embarrassed, she hid her face behind her witch's hat.
"Hm."
Unlike mine, Enuk's red hair had no antennae. Instead, a cute little red mushroom was growing there.
Is her scalp on the humid side? The hair itself seemed pretty healthy, though.
Wondering idly, I stroked the crown of her head.
Contrary to my expectations, Enuk's hair was as smooth and lustrous as freshly woven silk.
What should I say, I wonder.
"Good girl. Such a good girl."
Jolt!
Enuk buried herself behind her hat like an ostrich stuffing its head into the ground, but her body kept flinching along my stroking hand as if she'd been hit with static electricity.
Since she loved having her head petted so much, I assumed the mushroom would too, and gave it a light flick with my index finger.
"Hn—!"
?
Did I mishear that?
Press, press.
"Hah! Hngh!"
...
"So this is a no-touch zone. Sorry, my mistake."
A spot that makes embarrassing noises when pressed. I'll have to remember that.
"N-no, it's not that!"
Enuk revealed the flushed face she'd been hiding.
Her eyes were even brimming with tears.
"If Your Majesty so desires, I do not mind... please touch me however you wish..."
"I'd say you matter more than I do."
Petting a pretty woman is all well and good, but I have no fetish for touching places she hates.
She's not a cat, this girl.
"...If we're being precise, it leans closer to something I desire."
"Okay. Request received."
If she's asking for it herself, I might as well oblige.
And afterward, I petted her absolutely senseless.
It was only three minutes, but judging by how Enuk ended up utterly drained and dripping with cold sweat, that counted as thoroughly wrecked?
It was an extremely suggestive scene, but I'd never had particularly strong urges of that sort, and with 'that thing' gone, it didn't feel nearly as stimulating as it should have.
Ding!
As if it had been waiting for the moment, my status window made its reappearance.
Please enter a name to register on the rankings!
Name: [ ]
Rewards are granted upon climbing the Tower or upon leaving it.
26 minutes remain until automatic departure.
Hold on a second.
"Why is this showing up for me?"
The Tower was scrupulously fair — it paid out rewards according to contribution.
Our party's contribution split was 10 to 0.
Obviously, Enuk was the 10. And yet the status window offering rewards, asking for a name — it was appearing only for me.
"Hah... hah... I am but a limb of Your Majesty, a humble vassal. Whatever reward the Tower bestows belongs to Your Majesty alone. Even the experience points are shared with you without my lifting a finger."
Isn't this the definition of freeloading and labor exploitation?
I wasn't used to ordering people around, but...
"Are you okay with this, Enuk? I haven't done anything."
A sliver of conscience held me back.
The name registration rights I would never, ever give up — but sharing the rewards wouldn't hurt.
"It is far more than I deserve. You have... already given me my reward."
Enuk's cheeks flushed pink all over again.
"...I see."
Still, on the next floor I'd have to do something besides cheering her on.
I was itching to get my hands on new equipment, after all.
"So what should we do about the actual reward?"
This was the dilemma of a lifetime.
Choosing the name for the world's number one record carried that kind of weight for me.
First things first.
"Peace sign."
Click! Click!
I posed with a V, framing the shot so that only the Tower's name-registration window and my bloodstained hand — the scent of gore drifting off the corpse mountain — were visible.
While I was at it, I thrust my phone at Enuk too, and her eyes lit up for a moment.
"Ah... ch-cheese. Heheh..."
She'd apparently looked it up somewhere, because she flashed a stiff smile and struck a gyaru pose.
Verification shots: taken. The blood, we'll censor later.
I'd deliberately angled the shot to make my hand look bigger, so there'd be nothing identifying about it.
Back to brainstorming names, then.
My identity absolutely could not be exposed easily.
Would something plain like "Anonymous" work?
I might even get to be the gallery owner of the Hunter Gallery!
"...No."
Come to think of it, that wasn't enough.
Dream big, people always say.
Was I really going to settle for being the mod of some domestic forum?
If I was the world ranking #1, the name needed to resonate worldwide.
Something everyone would understand, and then go — wait, what?
"Yes. That's it."
Are you sure you wish to confirm your nickname as 404 NOT FOUND?
Without a shred of hesitation, I pressed YES.
Your name has been successfully registered! Congratulations, 404 NOT FOUND!
"Haah! Now that's the stuff."
Ordinary hunters register their rankings under their hunter name or class name.
It's the most advantageous option, both for income and for reputation.
But I'm not ordinary.
Money? The more the better, I suppose. But for me, money is a means, not a goal.
A means for keeping up this attention-whoring for the long haul.
I want fame too — but not the ordinary kind of fame.
If other people want to be known, I want to be famous without my identity ever getting out.
That's why I don't do social media but never miss the Hunter Gallery.
Clap clap clap.
"As expected of Your Majesty! From that name alone, I sense a majesty on an entirely different dimension from these common rabble!"
Enuk was applauding beside me.
The bootlicking was appreciated, but there was still something hugely important left to do.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
My finger was swiping down on my phone's screen several times a second.
It should be about time for this to hit the Hunter Gallery, no?
World clear rankings work like a game server's number one — the moment the record is set, it gets blasted out to every hunter on the planet like spam.
And there are hunters on the Hunter Gallery, obviously.
"Come on, somebody post about it already!"
What on earth is more important than ego-searching right now?
Don't tell me they actually treated it as an error and censored it... I was so anxious I started biting my nails.
Ding!
"...There it is."
I'd set up alerts for any notification containing the word "404."
World ranking #1 has been updated, holy crap
But apparently there's a difficulty like this?? Isn't "404 NOT FOUND" the thing that pops up when you get an error? Can the Tower even throw errors?
Is this a bug? Are we getting yet another National Authority-Rank hunter, like Quad, the Overlord, or the president?
I'll start.
Tap.
Tap.
"Eheheh... heheheh..."
What a happy girl...