39. Confession
“Bye, unnie~ See ya, Ga-eul~”
“⋯Yeah.”
“Take care heading in, sis.”
A slightly late morning, the three of us had ramen together for our first meal of the day before sis headed back with a smile.
⋯Lucky.
I'd thought I was reasonably rational last night, but looking back after waking up, it felt like I'd just gone crazy drunk. What the hell was I thinking? Well, I was a bit more put-together than Gyeo-ul, at least.
Once sis was gone, it was just me and Gyeo-ul left in the house again. I figured facing each other would be awkward, so I bolted to my room.
⋯Haa.
I had no idea what to do. No clue how to handle this or what the right answer even was. Every step forward felt like plunging into thicker darkness. And turning back? We'd come too far for that.
No matter how much I holed up in my room, I couldn't avoid running into her all day. Meals had to happen, paths crossed sometimes. But everything was so different from usual. No conversations, no playful banter we used to share, ⋯no forbidden stuff either.
It was all gone. A Saturday that would've flown by easily dragged on forever for me. I couldn't fall asleep comfortably. So Sunday morning's return was a relief, at least.
I didn't want to just sit in my room doing nothing. Around lunchtime, I knocked on the door next to mine and went in.
Gyeo-ul was buried deep under the covers, staring blankly at the ceiling.
“Gyeo-ul.”
“⋯Oh, yeah. Oppa.”
“Wanna go out? I'll buy you some clothes.”
“⋯Clothes?”
“You said last time you wanted me to pick some out for you.”
“Oh⋯ yeah.”
“Get ready. We'll eat lunch out too.”
“⋯Okay.”
Taking my sister out—who'd had a slight fever until yesterday—did prick my conscience a little, but at this point, apologizing for that felt pointless amid all the other sins. She didn't seem feverish anymore anyway. And I had to keep my promise.
Truth be told, all the fancy excuses boiled down to one thing. I couldn't stand being alone anymore. Not for another second.
We both bundled up head to toe in winter gear before stepping out. Temps weren't dropping below freezing, but catching a cold would be a headache.
No plans to go far, but with arms full of shopping bags, I opened the car door anyway. I tossed my scarf onto the seat inside and settled into the driver's side with her in the passenger seat for the first time in ages.
How many more rides like this could we have? Mom would be back soon—I'd have to hand over the keys.
It'd grown on me, somehow. Kinda sad.
“Food first.”
“Yeah.”
“What do you want?”
“⋯That place from last time. Where we went with unnie⋯ all four of us.”
“Oh, right. We said we'd go back.”
It was pretty good. Lunch might be cheaper. They had lunch sets, I think.
I turned the key to pull out, but the phone on the mount buzzed. Mom.
I picked up and switched to speaker.
“Oh, Mom.”
“Son, whatcha up to?”
“Heading out with Gyeo-ul for food. Just pulled the car out.”
“In this weather?”
“Yeah⋯ but we're bundled up good.”
“I heard Gyeo-ul caught a cold.”
“⋯You heard?”
“Anna mentioned it.”
“Fever's gone, and she says she's not hurting. It was just a low-grade thing anyway—not a bad cold.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“Put Gyeo-ul on then. She's right there.”
I nodded at Gyeo-ul in the passenger seat. She pulled down her mask and spoke.
“Mom.”
“Yeah, my girl. You okay?”
“Yeah, I'm fine.”
“Your voice doesn't sound great?”
“No no, really fine. No fever, no pain.”
“Okay? Well⋯ alright. What's so good you had to go out for it?”
“Uh⋯ pasta?”
“Pasta with oppa?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright, enjoy. Dress warm.”
“Got it.”
“Order something pricey. Make your brother treat you now.”
“Huh?”
“Son, buy her something expensive.”
“⋯Yes, ma'am.”
“Anyway, enjoy lunch. Mom's back soon too—I'll make whatever you want then.”
“Okay.”
“Bye then, drive safe~”
“Yep.”
I hung up and eased the car out of the spot. Gyeo-ul put her mask back on.
⋯No real need for it inside the car, but whatever. It bugged me, so I spoke up.
“Lunch, then cafe to chill, shop for clothes, head home.”
“Yeah.”
“Dinner⋯ home, if possible.”
“⋯Okay.”
“Tomorrow—no plans?”
“Probably⋯ none.”
“Wanna go out tomorrow too?”
“⋯Huh?”
“Chilly, but let's hang outside. Suneung's over.”
“⋯.”
“Anywhere you wanna go, say it. It's Monday, but you're not going to school anyway. Not anymore.”
“⋯Yeah.”
“Day trip anywhere, I'll drive.”
“⋯It's fine. I'll stay home.”
“⋯Alright, then. Rest at home.”
Gyeo-ul's face, still masked, didn't sit right with me.
Gyeo-ul seemed a bit better after some fresh air, even in her low mood. Lunch was decent, and though we'd planned cafe time, she wanted takeout, so we sipped ours in the car.
Might as well—we put on a movie. Sipping something sweet, chatting about this and that, the awkwardness faded a little.
Shopping for clothes, neither of us knew fashion, so we just bought what looked good on the mannequins. Staff eyes are sharper than ours anyway.
Our long frames suited the coats well. After trying on a skirt, she fiddled shyly with the hem—adorable. She wore them fine to school, though⋯.
Anyway, I don't know fashion. But I get that the hanger matters more than the clothes.
I snapped a few pics in them and sent to Mom. Didn't expect it'd loop through Youngest Aunt to sis, who whined via text about not bringing her.
Whatever. This is for my eyes only.
Gyeo-ul insisted on paying herself, but I pushed and bought them. She grumbled about transferring money, so I said buy me clothes later. That settled it—she loaded her old outfit in the back seat.
Seeing her in the new clothes next to me felt strangely fresh. She looked like a real college student—like, she basically was.
“Gyeo-ul.”
“Yeah.”
“Have fun?”
“Kinda⋯ yeah.”
“Dinner out too?”
“Nah, it's⋯ getting dark. Let's head home.”
I drove slowly home. Not far, so we hit the parking lot quick.
Parked, stepped out. The biting air hit as I looked up at the sky. Sun dipping low. Mom back Tuesday. No real chances left. She said no outings tomorrow.
Nothing for it. Right here, right now. Outside.
“⋯Gyeo-ul.”
“Yeah.”
“Wanna date? Me.”
“⋯Huh?”
Gyeo-ul stared blankly, then her eyes went wide in shock.
⋯Can't meet her eyes. But I had to. I never thought I'd say this. Never knew I was so bad at being lonely.
“⋯Oppa?”
“Just outside, I mean.”
“⋯.”
“As lovers.”
“⋯.”
“Can't go back. ⋯To how it was.”
I'd agonized over it a thousand times. Seeing her disheveled face. Those slightly swollen, bloodshot eyes.
I couldn't just sit still. Not lust or anything—that was secondary.
The real four-point question was this: once you've known warmth, being alone teaches you cold too.
“Cousin Bro's unmarried, cohabiting fine.”
“⋯.”
“Us too⋯ siblings at home. Outside, normal couple? ⋯Wanna?”
“⋯Oppa.”
“Not that stuff, I mean⋯ some things won't fly. ⋯Not post-Suneung wildness. If caught, might seem weird, but. Y'know, 'they're just close.' That level.”
“⋯Yeah.”
“⋯Just that far.”
“⋯How far?”
“No naughty stuff⋯ plenty else. Meals out, dates, trips when you're steadier, movies, vacations⋯.”
You can't quit smoking overnight. Toss the pack, doesn't make you healthy. Cravings hit withdrawal, or you cave.
Never smoked, but I got the feeling. Didn't want that. Didn't wanna die of lung cancer.
So, healthier direction. Still harmful, but better than before. Like nicotine patches to quit proper.
Might get hooked on the patch, though.
“⋯Let's date. Us.”
“As⋯ siblings, ⋯not enough?”
“⋯I can't.”
“⋯.”
“Can't, so⋯ date.”
“⋯.”
“Outside at least⋯ that⋯ uh⋯.”
I'd spilled every planned word—tongue-tied now. But it was fine. You nodded.
Sometimes words aren't needed. Communication's more than language.
“⋯Oppa.”
“Yeah.”
“⋯Hug me.”
“Just⋯ that far, yeah⋯.”
Didn't expect to feel the new clothes' texture so soon. Soft. Warm winter stuff. Worth the money.
Well, the warmth's from her anyway. Doesn't matter.
Hanger, clothes—irrelevant. That's not what counts.
“⋯Tighter.”
A bit more pressure—we both caught our breath a little. Bound together, obsessed, clutching mutual weaknesses no one can know, sinking into the depths.
Should've creeped me out. But I loved it. So it was good.
We held on till the sun vanished. Good thing the car hid us. People heading into the apartments blocked views sometimes.
⋯Couldn't see each other anyway. But it's all memorized. No issue.
Gyeo-ul lifted her head from my shoulder, looked straight into my eyes.
⋯Oh, this is bad.
“⋯Oppa.”
“Yeah.”
“Kissing⋯ probably off-limits, right.”
“Strictly? Yeah⋯ naughty category.”
Kissing itself might slide. But once done? Like lighting a cig. One drag, quit failed.
Instead, I pressed my lips lightly to her forehead as she looked up.
“Th-that⋯ oppa?”
“⋯This much is fine.”
“⋯.”
Eyes squeezed shut, she glared, then tiptoed up, bumping her lips to my forehead the same way. Dropped back, gave a light smile.
⋯Definitely picked the wrong option.
This way, quitting's impossible. No way.