18. Chuseok
"…."
"…."
I reflexively pulled away from her thigh. My cousin headed toward the water cooler without a word. The sound of water pouring echoed terrifyingly loud.
…What do I do.
"…Hyung."
"…Kim Ga-eul, Kim Gyeo-ul."
"Ah, yeah."
"Yeah."
"I, uh… I don't like sticking my nose in other people's business."
He seemed flustered too, starting to stutter. His voice was hoarse, probably from just waking up. He cleared his throat for a moment and continued.
"I get that you two are close, so it's natural, but… older folks might get the wrong idea if they see that."
"…."
"Act a little more carefully. Don't invite weird suspicions."
"…Yeah."
"You're just being close siblings, right?"
"…Right."
"It's great that you're tight as brother and sister, all good… but don't act like that around strangers. That's all I'm saying."
"…Got it."
"…You hear what I'm saying?"
"…Yeah."
After dropping those few words of advice, he chugged the water and headed back to his room.
…I thought my heart was gonna drop out.
As I rubbed my pounding chest, the door that had closed reopened.
"…Don't you guys have pillows?"
"Ah, uh… yeah."
"…Sorry, hyung. Give me a sec."
He went back into the room and tossed us a couple of blankets and pillows.
"Spread these out and sleep. You'll wreck your back on the sofa."
"Ah, thanks…."
"It's late. Go to sleep."
With those final words, he vanished into his room.
…Phew.
Was that a relief? Or not?
"…Gyeo-ul."
"…Yeah."
"…Go back to noona's room and sleep. Bed's better than the floor."
"Oppa."
Gyeo-ul stood up and grabbed my hand.
…She's sweating cold too.
Our palms were both clammy.
"Let's go to the convenience store."
"Huh?"
"…I wanna get some air."
"…Okay."
I didn't resist her pull. We were already in outside clothes anyway, so no need to change.
Maybe because it was autumn, the pre-dawn air was pretty chilly. Even in long sleeves and pants, the cold seeped into every corner of my body. Still, not a bad temperature for sobering up.
"…Welcome."
I ignored the half-asleep clerk's voice, grabbed two canned coffees, paid, and headed right back out.
One hand clutching the plastic bag, the other holding hers.
We returned to the front of the building, and I spoke to Gyeo-ul.
"Let's drink in the car. Everyone's asleep."
I unlocked it and slid into the driver's seat as always. Started the engine, turned on the heater. Pushed the seat back a bit since it felt cramped. Flipped on the interior light and split the cans between us.
Her profile next to me felt so familiar.
"…He suspects us, doesn't he."
"…Probably."
"We didn't do anything weird."
"Stuff siblings usually don't do."
I felt responsible too for not pushing her away, a little buzzed. Was it the booze, the mood, or the feel of her thigh that got to me?
"…From now on."
"Yeah."
"…What do you wanna do, oppa?"
"About what?"
"Keep more distance… or just make sure we don't get caught."
"…Dunno."
Keep distance. If we could brush off fingers touching, skin brushing, body heat mingling as just that, no need to pull away on purpose. Then we wouldn't get caught. But what exactly are we hiding?
Caring for Gyeo-ul? Or the promise never to marry? No intention of hiding those, or even wanting to. I plan to be the good big brother forever, and she'll stay my great little sister by my side—that's not weird to hide, right? Hiding it would be weirder.
"Sure, we should tone down the overly buddy-buddy act a bit, but as long as we don't do anything strange, we're fine."
"…You think so?"
"Acting distant for no reason would be weirder. We're not planning anything like that."
"…You really think that?"
"I told you. I wanna stay siblings with you forever."
"That's obvious."
"So just stick to the obvious."
I shut my eyes, not wanting to think more. How much time passed?
"…Oppa."
Gyeo-ul, who'd been beside me, called out. Then she wasn't anymore. She climbed over the console onto my lap.
"…Can you really keep it?"
"…Gyeo-ul."
"You sure you can do nothing?"
Earlier, excuses worked. Wasn't that risky a scene. But now, thighs touching, torsos pressed from belly to shoulders, body heat seeping through clothes—no excuse in the world would fly.
"…I said I can."
"Last time you couldn't hold back."
"That was 'cause you bit my ear."
"So if I bite it now, you won't hold back?"
She brought her lips to my ear. Seemed impossible, so I grabbed her shoulders and pushed.
"We said we'd live openly."
"…We're not open. Us."
"…What?"
"Did you see? How he looked at us."
"…No."
"Even without those feelings, living normally… we're already weird."
"…."
Her eyes, right in front of mine, were a little wet.
"…I got confused for a sec too."
"About what."
"What you said… made me so happy. Maybe it could really be like that."
"…."
"…But no. Even normal stuff… if it gets out, my heart drops."
"Gyeo-ul."
"You're the same, right? You were shocked. After he saw."
"…."
"…I don't know. What to do."
Unable to hold back anymore, she leaned her face against my chest. My shirt got a little damp.
"Gyeo-ul."
"…."
"…Sorry. I don't know either."
When what I thought was the answer turned out wrong, I always got pissed, frustrated. Sometimes stubbornly insisted I was right. Still, gotta figure out why it was wrong. Make that error notebook.
"Just for a bit, let's keep distance. …Till Suneung's over."
"…Okay."
"…Two months. Let's give it some time."
"…Oppa."
"Yeah."
"…Last time, so hold me."
"…."
"…Hold me."
"Not the last."
"…?"
Just in case, I turned off the interior light. Then wrapped an arm around her back, the other at her waist. Maybe the heater—felt a little sweaty. Hard to tell.
"You gotta take Suneung."
"…Yeah."
"…I'll think hard about it during that time. So… trust me."
"…."
"I'll find the answer."
To make her believe, I hugged tighter. Fall clothes meant no skin contact, so we pressed necks together. Cheeks too. Body heat to share hearts.
"…Can I trust you?"
"Trust me a little. When have I not listened?"
"…Never."
"Yeah. Trust me one more time."
…Phew.
Resolutions crumble this easy? Feels like not even two weeks. Well, rebuild and pretend it never happened.
…This time, really not my fault.
"…Gyeo-ul."
"…Yeah."
"You know what you're doing?"
"…What?"
"Uh… climbing on like this."
"Just… curious if you'd stay cool even hugged."
"…."
Driving me crazy. Her being clueless. Gonna lose it. How to hold out two months.
"…Oppa."
"Yeah."
"Keeping distance… how?"
"What… just don't do stuff like this."
"…Okay."
"Two months till Suneung… prime study grind time anyway."
"…."
"Hey, wait, what's with that."
"…Two months. Prepay."
Suddenly she started rubbing her cheek on mine.
…Suffocating.
Breathing in just shampoo scent, head spinning. Ears dominated by her breaths. Touch addicted to the softness every hug. Sight spared in the dark, but taste—gotta hold back. Tasting would break me.
"…How long you gonna do this."
"Two months."
"I'll starve to death."
"…Starve then."
"Not just you—me too."
"Together."
Ah, picked the wrong answer already. What now. Can't back down. No eraser on answers—too harsh.
"…All the relatives are right upstairs. Come on."
"…Yeah."
"…Ten minutes like this, then back."
"…Okay."
Shouldn't have turned on the heater. Too hot. But turning off meant wasting separation time. Felt sweat from each other. Couldn't see, so touch only. Still… didn't hate it.
Ten minutes? Twenty? Time flew or crawled—who knows. Felt stopped. Just us, in the car. Clinging, hugging. Heartbeats the only proof it moved.
"…Oppa."
"Yeah."
"…Let's go up."
"Okay."
Counted "endure" dozens of times, crushed chest finally lifted. Killed the engine, stepped out—cool wind chilled sweat, refreshing.
….
Didn't touch her ear today. Could I find answers in two months? No confidence at all.