19. Shiny Words of Keeping Distance
I'd spouted off those words about keeping our distance all polished and pretty, but honestly, they weren't something I'd seriously mulled over before saying. I'd come to realize that up until now, I'd been making every excuse in the book, thinking way too naively about it all. Sure, that day I was drunk, so that was why. That day she bit my ear, so that was why. But what about that dawn? Or Chuseok a week ago. I'm not the type to pass out after a few shots of soju. Of course, I was drunk—on Gyeo-ul. On the heat of her body clinging to mine, the way her eyes looked at me, and the press of her chest. If I hadn't felt that way about her, if I'd really wanted to stick to being just siblings forever, I probably could've controlled myself. I could've pushed her off when she tried to climb on top, or at least not hugged her so tightly.
But I didn't. Even now, those words from my cousin hyung as we left Big Aunt's house echoed in my head. 'You're the older one. ...Just, you know, handle it. Figure it out. I won't butt in.' Whatever I chose was my responsibility. Whatever I felt was my responsibility. It was driving me insane. Actually, the simple answer was right in front of my eyes. No one had found out yet. If I just folded up my feelings, everyone would be at ease—everyone except me and Gyeo-ul.
Not being able to consult anyone about this dilemma was way more mentally destructive than I'd imagined. If it had been something simple like a one-sided crush or a fight with my girlfriend, it wouldn't have felt this grave. I... still didn't think I liked Gyeo-ul in a romantic way. To me, my little sister was precious beyond words. As family. I wanted to monopolize her all by myself forever. It was true that I felt a rational, physical attraction to her too. But I wasn't bold enough to go all-in with that resolve. This contradictory mess was gnawing away at my brain bit by bit.
"Oppa."
"…."
"…Oppa?"
"Ah, yeah. What."
"You okay?"
"…Yeah, I'm fine."
I must've been making too serious a face. Gyeo-ul, sitting next to me, had pursed her lips slightly to call out to me.
"Head on inside. I've got plans."
"Plans?"
"Friends wanna grab food."
"…Okay."
"Study hard."
"…Text me when you're coming back."
"Sure."
I watched Gyeo-ul's legs as she got out of the passenger seat. Once she passed through the entrance and vanished from sight, I got out of the driver's seat too. …No way I could drive like this. Obvious without even checking.
"Hey, Gyeo-ul. You up?"
"…Oppa, you drinking?"
"How'd you know."
"Your voice sounds weird."
"Had a bit."
"…When you coming back?"
"Waiting for the subway now. On my way."
"Where?"
"Hongdae entrance. Be there in an hour."
"…Okay."
"It's late, so sleep. Even if it's the weekend tomorrow."
"…Got it."
In my tipsy haze waiting for the train, I remembered what I'd said earlier and called Gyeo-ul. …Good thing I didn't miss the last one. My grand vow to quit drinking had vanished ages ago. I'd realized it didn't matter if I drank or not anyway.
"…Who's that?"
"Uh… well…."
"Girlfriend?"
"…Not yet."
"Then what."
"Beats me."
A friend waiting for the subway with me tossed out a comment. …Beats me. What is she, anyway. At least I knew it was hard to just come out and say "my sister." Now I kinda got why no one believed me no matter how desperately I'd insisted before.
"Anyway, I'm off. Opposite direction."
"Yeah, get home safe."
"Catch you later."
Once my friend disappeared into the crowd, being alone cleared my head a bit. …Haa. I'd toyed with the idea of getting some drunken advice, but no way in hell. Too obvious what they'd say. If I were a devout churchgoer like Big Uncle, maybe I'd hit up confession. Nah, even priests would be shocked hearing this. …Frustrating as hell.
I boarded the rumbling subway that arrived after a short wait. Leaning against the swaying handrail, I gripped my phone with my free hand. …Come to think of it, I didn't take a single photo. We'd been stuck together all day, but digging through my gallery, all I had were pics of the food we'd eaten. …Am I an idiot or what. Flipping through my gallery just to see my sister's face—yeah, I was definitely drunk.
"I'm home."
"…Oh, son. You're back?"
Mom, who'd been dozing in the living room with the TV on, rubbed her eyes and greeted me. …Go sleep in your room already. Even with the blanket out, the bed's gotta be better than the floor.
"Yeah."
"Eat?"
"Ate already."
"Good. Whew, nodded off watching TV. Go wash up and sleep."
"You too, Mom. Head to bed."
"I'll watch a bit more then crash."
"…Okay."
Leaving yawning Mom behind, I trudged to my room. My eyes flicked to the room next door for a second, but I held back. I turned the doorknob and slipped inside, flicking on the light.
"…What the."
"…."
Gyeo-ul was curled up on my bed, blindfold on.
"…Hey."
"…."
"What're you doing."
"…."
I walked over and shook her lightly, but no reaction. ….
"Kim Gyeo-ul."
"…."
"I said let's keep distance for two months."
"…."
With Mom in the living room, I whispered right by her ear. Still no movement. …Haa. Driving me crazy.
"…Gonna shower, so go back to your room."
"…."
Grabbing just a change of clothes, I turned off the light and left. Mom had dozed off again in that short time. Letting out a big sigh, I headed to the bathroom. My pounding heart drowned out the sound of the water. Even mid-shower, I felt sweaty. I toweled off, slipped into my half-sleeve and shorts. Towel-drying my hair left my clothes feeling damp again. Please, just hold out for two months. Two months, and… What would change? I tossed my laundry in the basket and returned to my room. Desk lamp on, but… she was still there.
Her usual Rockati tee—I'd bought her three, but somehow she'd swiped a few of mine too. How else could she wear them every day. Black dolphin pants. Those thighs peeking out below. Maybe because I'd felt them lying down before, the memory of that texture glued my eyes there.
"…Hey."
"…."
"You wear pajamas to bed. I know you're not asleep."
"…."
…I swallowed hard. I could carry her back to her room, sure. But with Mom sleeping in the living room? We'd get caught. So just lie down next to her like this and sleep. …Yeah, right. Like that'd work, fucking hell.
I locked the door. Perfect timing with the booze—I had plenty of excuses today. Saying we'd keep distance was the mistake from the start. It meant I was already hyper-aware. You win. I'm the one who can't hold back, and my thinking was wrong all along.
I lay down next to Gyeo-ul. I'd always faced her front or side before, but seeing her from behind like this felt strangely new. I lightly touched her hair. Brought it to my nose and inhaled. The usual shampoo scent. I used the same one, but it always smelled different on her. Gender difference, maybe. I let go of the strand and gripped her shoulder. Pulled her gently, burying my nose in her nape. …Sweet.
I slid my hand under her side. The rustle of skin and fabric sounded deafeningly loud. I wrapped my arm around her waist, pressing my chest to her back—her heartbeat thrummed through. …Hot. Even after a cold shower, the heat wouldn't fade. My wandering left arm slipped under her tee. Incredibly soft. Born from the same parents, yet her skin was worlds apart from mine. I grazed her back lightly; her body shivered faintly. ….
I trailed my thumb up her spine. Her waist arched slightly. Pulled my hand out and touched her ear next. Burning hot. I lifted my head a bit. Nibbled her earlobe lightly. …Now I got why she bit mine like that. No marks, so no teeth—just lips grazing, sometimes tongue, savoring slowly. After tasting enough, I pulled away from her ear. Her cheek was flushed red enough for anyone to see.
Right hand under her clothes now. Palm sliding lightly—felt her navel. Ignored it, went higher. Faint ribs under my fingers. …Hoo. Pulled out. Instead, both arms over her tee. Hugged her tight. Soft, heavy. Legs tangled with legs. And still, she pretended to sleep. Full-body contact, I rubbed against her lightly. …No excuses left now. Gonna burst. In every way.
How long did I hold her like that? My nose adapted; no more shampoo scent. Instead, something sweeter filled my senses. Brushed her hair from her face. Lips met her exposed nape—slightly damp. Licked lightly. Her body twitched again. Breathing ragged. Mine too. And hot. Breath, body heat, sweat.
I flipped her face-down and climbed on top, still hugging. My arms pinned, but whatever. The pressure of her chest against the bed set my brain on fire. ….
I couldn't hold back. Not even a little. For real. I pulled away. Fled straight to the bathroom. Stripped and showered. …No lotion or foam cleanser needed. How many days had I held out? No, over a month. At first, embarrassment from getting caught, trauma, all that. Wasn't holding back so much as unable to. But this past week? That was real restraint. Every time I tried, it flashed in my mind. Releasing all that pent-up lust felt like my heart would explode. Legs shaking. Nearly moaned—barely held that back. But the gasping breaths? Unstoppable.
Back after cleaning up, the bed was empty. …Thank god. Needed to change anyway. Peeled off the damp clothes, put on fresh ones. Lay down, but the lingering warmth kept sleep away. Had to relieve myself two more times before I finally drifted off. …Showered once more for good measure. Thankfully, Mom was out cold.