Discharge (2)
"Hah."
It was a familiar ceiling. The brown ceiling of the psychiatric ward. Yeah, of course. Multiple personalities were clearly a mental illness. That was why I had been trying to disappear.... Why? Why....
Why did you stop me? Just why!
I spoke to the personality inside me, and that one answered at once.
So I should've just let you die? What would Soyun up in heaven have said if she saw that? Were you going to make some excuse that the body is still alive so you didn't really die? You knew it too. That it was just sophistry.
I bit my lip at the sound of Soyun's voice ringing through my head.
...Soyun wouldn't talk like this.
You're the one who made me change like this, Seol Ayeon. Think about what you did to me.
...Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Even if I had ten mouths, I wouldn't have anything to say.
While I was stuck in the intensive care unit, I had agonized hundreds—no, thousands—of times between the urge to die and Soyun's final wish.
Rationally, I knew I must not die, that I should live a long, long life just as Soyun had asked, and that keeping that promise was the right thing to do.
But emotionally, I simply wanted to die together with Soyun. And then I discovered my split personalities. Among them was one that had formed from the memories I shared with Soyun, and I wanted to turn that personality into Soyun and let her carry on my life.
Well, if I were joking, I might say it was something like the succession of the Attack Titans. My own personality dies, and I pass the body on to the successor. But in the end I failed.
Still thinking of changing your mind even now? It would be good for you too, you know.
Can you cut the crap? Have you forgotten whose appearance this personality is modeled after? And even if I'm pissed, I am never changing my mind. I'm going to keep blocking you until you die of natural causes.
Pissed, huh... Well, of course she would be. The one who forced her to memorize Soyun's voice, mannerisms, and personality from my memories nonstop—except during conversations and tests—was none other than me.
It was pretty funny, in a way. I had wanted to die, to turn the fake Soyun personality into a real Soyun personality, hand over the body, and vanish. But that personality integrated with the others and ended up stopping my death instead.
You're seriously so annoying.
...Sorry.
Just try attempting to die again. Not that you'll manage it anyway.
At the words of the Soyun in my head I tried to bite my tongue, but the moment the thought formed, my body froze.
Even if I'm a personality you created, I can interfere this much, you know? And are you actually crazy? Seol Ayeon?
"Eek!?"
Pwahaha! That cute voice is nice to hear~? Our Ayeon~?
...Our relationship had become thoroughly complicated. I hadn't even touched anyone, yet my side suddenly tickled and I let out a weird sound. Could she control sensations too? What the heck—since when could she just tickle my side out of nowhere?
Fine. I lost. I lose. I'll live a long, long life just the way you want. I guess I should start working through the bucket list Soyun wrote down before she died, one item at a time.
First, wash your face? When you wake up you have to wash your face right away! Even I know that, so why don't you?
Yeah, yeah. I'll do it.
Ever since the body changed I no longer sweated, eye crust barely formed, and even skipping hair washes produced no dandruff. Still, for hygiene I showered whenever my condition allowed. I still hadn't fully adapted to the transformed body, though.
I reached the bathroom and stood before the sink; my face stared back from the mirror. A face I still could not get used to. Huh? The color of my irises had changed.
You abused me so much that all that was left of me was anger. It's the result of mixing with your original eye color. Pink is pretty. Super adorable! As expected of our Ayeon.
An excited voice floated up. Sigh...
You know my original memories too, and you're still saying that?
What are you talking about? Original memories? Ah, I know the major ones as well.
You know and you still say things like that?
There's no way to go back anyway, right? We can't even fix this situation where you and I are all jumbled together.
...You're not wrong.
I hated admitting it, but she was right. Unless time itself turned back a year, the chance of returning to my original form was infinitely close to zero. A year ago. A year ago? What had I even looked like?
Ah, it seems mixing with you caused a few side effects. Your older memories have probably gotten a little hazy.
Hey, why are you only telling me that now? And is that something you can drop so casually?
I only realized it just now while checking my memories after hearing what you said.... So maybe this is the punishment for trying to die.... for trying to break the promise you made with me?
You're not Soyun!
You were the one telling me to be Soyun before? Really blowing hot and cold....
...I had nothing left to say.
Anyway, I'm going back to sleep, so wash your face and call someone. The funeral probably isn't over yet, right? They said they'd cremate her and place her in the columbarium. We should do that together, shouldn't we?
You're not affected at all?
Well, even if she's the foundation of my existence, she's still a different person, right? Honestly, the feeling is a little strange.
I wet my hands under the cold tap, and a startled voice yelped.
Ah, cold! Use warm water!
At that voice a mischievous urge rose in me.
Don't wanna.
Hah. So that's how you're playing it?
...Huh? Suddenly the water—why did it feel warm? This was definitely cold water.
I can regulate sensations. But if you think about it, you can too.
...Wait a second. Then if I think this water is scalding hot—
"Ah! Hot!"
When a body suddenly touches something hot, it flinches and jerks away in surprise. Just like me a moment ago.
You'll be able to control it naturally after a while. So why did you think that. Well, of course it doesn't affect the actual body at all.
"...That's pretty amazing."
Well, our existence itself is amazing to begin with.
"That's true."
In the end I switched to warm water, washed my face, and checked the mirror again. Somehow I looked a little more lively.
Originally, because of the heart trouble, my circulation had never been normal. My already pale face had no color at all, making me look more like a doll than a living person. On top of that I always suffered from cold hands and feet.
But now, whether from the warm water or something else, a faint flush had risen across my cheeks.
"Cute... I guess."
Right? Even I think our Ayeon is really cute!
...Ugh, gross.
After finishing and stepping out of the bathroom, I found Chief Lee—no, Director Lee—already standing in the room.
"...You've heard the explanation, right?"
"...Yes. Your eye color is pretty."
"Is it? How many days has it been since I collapsed?"
"One day."
"Can I go back to the funeral hall?"
"Of course."
I pulled the black mourning clothes on over the patient gown again. Yeah. It was time to end this. Time to truly send Soyun off.
Drip. Drip.
"...Please don't cry. Soyun would be sad."
"Would she?"
Well, if it were Soyun, she would have been sad. She only ever wanted you to smile.
...Shut up.
I cried and cried for three whole days in front of Soyun's body. Because this was the last time. Because I would never see her again. Just this once, please allow me to cry. Jin Soyun.
The funeral ended. Soyun's body was cremated until only ashes remained. I carefully lifted the urn that held them.
"...Ayeon, you can place it here. And... you've been through so much."
"Uncle, are you okay?"
"Even if I'm not okay, I have to be."
"What happened to that woman?"
"Well... she's probably in prison by now."
"Uncle, when that woman gets out of prison, show her how well you're living—proudly. So she can see what a sincere, wonderful man the person she abandoned really was, and regret it for the rest of her life, beating the ground in remorse."
"...Yeah. I'll try living well for once."
"...Making a new family could be a way too."
"A new family... Well. In this life, maybe Soyun was my last family."
"There's me. I... want to be your daughter, Uncle."
"You, Ayeon?"
Soyun's father looked at me with open surprise. For the Soyun who had left me her heart, this was the only thing I could still do. So that Uncle would not collapse, I had to stay beside him and hold him up.
People are wounded by people, and healed through people. What a ridiculous existence we are.
"...May I call you Dad?"
"..."
Tears spilled from Uncle's eyes. After a long silence he roughly wiped them with his sleeve and forced out a voice thick with sobs.
"Yeah... Daughter. Call me... Dad...."
The wind blew. Almost every maple leaf had already fallen. One last remaining leaf drifted down between Uncle and me.
"Yes, Dad."
Unable to hold back any longer, Uncle sank to his knees in front of me and pulled me into his arms. A person's warmth was this warm. ...Just like Soyun's.
"Khuhk, kuhp. Soyun, Soyunaaa..."
I patted his back gently.
"...I couldn't become Soyun... but I can be your daughter."
I comforted him, and he comforted me. Because Soyun had been my older sister, and his daughter.
This is really goodbye now, Jin Soyun.
I kept the promise, though. I'm comforting Dad well right now. You're watching, right?
It was the end of autumn—a wind that should have been cold. Yet somehow a warm breeze brushed past me. And so autumn passed, winter passed, and spring returned once more.
Rustle.
"Uuuugh...."
My eyes... my eyes hurt so much....
Hey, you... You stayed up all night staring at your phone, didn't you? My eyes hurt so much.... Stop pretending to sleep and come out!
No answer came. Ah, seriously. My eyes were killing me. How long had she been looking at that phone?
"You awake?"
"Unnieee... My eyes, my eyes hurt so muuuch...."
"Of course they do, after looking at your phone all night."
"I didn't do thaaat...."
"I know. She keeps staring at the phone until I say something. From what I can tell, it's serious internet addiction. Here, I'll put in some artificial tears. Open your eyes wide."
"Uuung.... Sleepy.... Just let me sleep a little more...."
"Did you forget what you have to do today?"
"Huk!"
Ah, right. Today was that day!