Catalyst (1)
There’s no difference at all. No matter where she touched or how she closed her eyes to sense her own body, everything felt exactly the same as before. Even after three full days of effort—especially yesterday, when she had skipped every meal to pray from dawn until dusk—nothing remarkable had happened. The only real result was a sharp scolding from Miria, who had watched over her in silence until then.
Four days. Barely half of it remains. Nasha knew from bitter experience that effort didn’t always bring reward, yet she still couldn’t stop the wave of exhaustion that washed over her. She was just beginning to wonder if she should try a different approach when she felt a small poke in her side.
“Sister, aren’t you going to eat?”
Arni sat beside her, staring with wide, worried eyes. Only Nasha, Arni, and Ceres remained at the table. The boys, who ate like starving wolves, had already vanished. Arni and Ceres had clearly finished their own meals some time ago.
“Are you sick?” Ceres asked, her face full of concern.
“No. Nothing’s wrong.”
Maybe it was the natural difference in sensitivity between genders. Or perhaps they had learned it from watching Miria. Whatever the reason, the children had clearly noticed something was off. Nasha reached out and gently stroked Arni’s hair.
“Miria gave me way too much food, that’s all.”
“It’s the fault of the person who didn’t eat all day,” came a voice that was supposed to be a whisper but absolutely wasn’t. Miria, who had been helping Raksha clear the dishes, had raised her voice—an unusual occurrence.
She still hasn’t cooled down.
When Ceres hesitated and asked again, Nasha gave an exaggerated nod. “Of course it is.”
“Can we play together today?” Arni asked.
There was no hesitation in Nasha’s answer. To her it had only been three days, but to the children it must have felt like an eternity.
“What do you want to do?”
“Hide-and-seek!”
“All right. After lunch, we’ll all play together.”
Only after Arni hooked her pinky finger with Nasha’s to seal the promise did she and Ceres finally leave the table.
“Do you understand now how the people worrying about you feel?” Miria asked as she approached, wiping her wet hands on a cloth.
Nasha gave a faint smile, having felt the children’s concern firsthand. “Was it that bad?”
“Manny might have noticed too.”
“Really?”
“He looked like he wanted to stay, but Alt and Arsen dragged him out right after they finished eating.”
The mental image drew a soft laugh from Nasha.
“And of course,” Miria continued, “you were awful yesterday too. You know that, right?”
“I know. I won’t do it again.”
Miria looked ready to keep glaring until she got the answer she wanted. Nasha finally raised both hands in surrender.
“Anyone would get tired if someone kept banging on their door demanding something without giving them a break,” Raksha said as he sat down at the table. He had been helping Miria clean up.
“If you throw a tantrum and keep pestering a goddess for divine power, even Lady Freiyan would find it exhausting,” he added.
A troublesome guest who won’t let go until she gets what she wants. Nasha wondered if that was how she appeared in the eyes of the divine.
Then why didn’t she just give it to me sooner? Still, she wasn’t like those truly obnoxious people. She wasn’t asking for anything absurd. A modest amount of divine power—enough for a diligent novice nun who prayed properly every day—would have been sufficient. She had no desire for the colossal power of a saintess. Just enough to be recognized as a proper nun. That was all the current Nasha, who was perfectly content with her peaceful life, needed.
I can see exactly what you’re thinking, Nasha.
Raksha had taken her in seven years ago. Though he hadn’t known her at first, he had watched her long enough to read her thoughts from the slightest shift in her expression. Even so, he chose not to comment. Perhaps because he, too, felt a quiet disappointment toward the goddess.
“So there was no progress at all?” he asked.
“None. It seems I’ll need to change my approach.”
“Do you have something in mind?”
Miria, who had brewed tea for everyone, settled into the seat beside Nasha.
Something in mind… She didn’t. In her previous life she had been burned badly by a cult and hated anything to do with religion, so she had zero relevant knowledge. Here, everything she knew came from the basics Miria and Raksha had taught her. That was why the only idea she had come up with was to simply pray more.
“Looks like you don’t,” Miria said gently.
“Most people awaken naturally, after all. It makes sense,” Raksha added.
The two of them sipped their tea, having more or less expected her reaction, and continued the conversation.
“Would hearing our stories help you get a feel for it?” Miria asked.
“I’m not sure,” Raksha replied.
“It might be a bit much, right?”
Nasha, who had been listening to their casual exchange, suddenly spoke up. “Please tell me.”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve never seen it before. An awakening, I mean. So please, tell me about it.”
“It’s true that never having witnessed an awakening yourself might make our stories useful,” Raksha agreed. He glanced at Miria as if asking who should go first.
“I’ll start,” Miria said.
“It’s nothing special, really.” She took a sip of tea to moisten her throat before continuing. “I came from a convent. A place where people gather with the sole purpose of becoming nuns. Every day was the same—praying at set times, studying the necessary knowledge. Children who passed the regular exams became novices, and before long they would awaken their divine power. That’s how it was for me too. I passed the exam, then awakened my divine power.”
“When exactly did it happen?” Nasha asked.
Miria thought for a moment. “It differs from person to person. Most awaken during prayer. Sometimes it happens while performing service outside the convent. That’s what happened to me. I’ve heard that people with especially strong divine power cause an explosion of light when they awaken, but I never saw anything like that during my time at the convent.”
After finishing, Miria took another sip and turned her palm toward the ceiling. A small cluster of light appeared. A pure white tail of radiance danced above her hand.
“Wow.”
The soft exclamation slipped out before Nasha could stop it. This was the first time she had seen anyone’s divine power besides Raksha’s.
“You never showed me this before.”
“When?” Miria genuinely couldn’t remember.
While Nasha was trying to recall the exact moment, Raksha answered for her. “It was probably back when Nasha still couldn’t speak.”
“Ah.”
“Ah.”
Their voices overlapped perfectly. At the same time, Nasha and Miria turned to look at each other.
“Why did you—”
“Nasha, why did you—”
Perhaps asking first had been a mistake. When Miria echoed the question, Raksha’s gaze also shifted to Nasha. The atmosphere clearly demanded she answer first.
“I was embarrassed…”
It must not have been the answer they expected; both of them widened their eyes. Miria even burst out laughing. It was a precious sight.
“So you do realize how embarrassing that time was.”
“Stop teasing me.”
“All right, all right.”
“Since you’ve shared an embarrassing memory, I’ll share one too.” Miria straightened her posture after taking a deep breath to calm herself. “I was embarrassed too. Though the reason was a little different from yours.”
“You were embarrassed?”
“Yes. I was considered quite the promising talent back at the convent. The teachers praised me constantly. Some even said I might have the qualities to become a saintess.”
Raksha looked genuinely surprised; this was clearly the first time he had heard any of this. Miria’s cheeks flushed slightly, as if she felt embarrassed just saying it aloud.
“So when I actually awakened my divine power, I was disappointed. The amount was so small I could barely use a single proper divine art. The people who had lifted me up lost interest immediately.”
Miria let out a sigh, as if shaking off the memory.
“Of course, now that I’m a full-fledged nun I understand that their attention simply moved on to the next promising novice. Once the expectations vanished and I saw reality clearly, I started to feel ashamed of myself. That’s why. I was afraid of people expecting something from my outward appearance only to be disappointed. Even when I first came here, that knot of anxiety was still lodged in my heart.”
Miria’s brown eyes, which had been tracing the rim of her teacup as she recalled the past, finally settled on Nasha.
“But not anymore. Director Raksha turned out to be a good person despite his appearance, and though my first impression of you was… well…”
Remembering the embarrassing period Nasha had mentioned, Miria gave a small smile.
“It was truly wonderful. There was a child who didn’t care about evaluating my divine power, who simply needed me as a person. As time passed like that, divine power stopped seeming so important. The desire to return to the convent disappeared too.”
Once Miria’s words began to flow, they didn’t stop. Sometimes she spoke of her days at the convent and the city church. Other times she told stories about the day she first met Nasha, or the day Manny and the other children arrived. Perhaps because she rarely talked about herself, her stories jumped from one topic to another without much order. Even so, Nasha could feel every emotion behind them. Because the years Miria had watched Nasha were the same years Nasha had watched Miria.
She must have gone through a lot.
When Miria spoke about the time after meeting Nasha, her face looked just like the Miria that Nasha saw every day. But when she talked about her days in the city, the expressions that crossed her face were heavy enough to weigh on Nasha’s own heart. No matter the world, the way people lived wasn’t so different. There were always those who tore others down to elevate themselves.
“I’m sorry. How did I end up talking for so long? Once I started, all sorts of things just came spilling out.”
Having poured out a torrent of memories, Miria quickly brought her story to a close. Traces of emotion still lingered on her face. Nasha reached out toward the divine power still swimming above Miria’s palm. Miria flinched but didn’t pull away.
It’s warm.
Warmth. A gentleness like spring itself. Miria’s divine power felt exactly like the Miria she had come to know through daily life.
“I like you.”
“What?”
“I said I like you, Miria.”
Miria asked again, thinking she might have misheard, but Nasha’s answer was the same. Miria’s cheeks, already pink, flushed bright red. The color spread across her entire face and all the way to her ears like wildfire.