What You Mean to Me (2)

A week had already passed since the sports festival ended.

Although I still remembered the heat of that day, the temperature, which had risen over the past week, turned those memories into a hazy shimmer, transforming them into a mirage on the far side of daily life.

But...

"I'm going to prepare for high school admissions."

That day, when the meaning of you was etched into my heart once more.

The determination I felt that day to become a better, cooler person remained vividly clear.

"...Sure, go ahead?"

"Ugh!"

Of course, one doesn't become an adult overnight.

"Nuri High School?"

"It's an autonomous school in Namyangju. They recruit students nationwide."

That evening.

After finishing our weekly study session, we strolled through the apartment complex to get some fresh air.

As always, we ended up at the swings in the playground.

Unlike him, who sat perfectly still, I gently swayed back and forth on my swing as I kept talking.

"Their club activities and school festivals are amazing. It's like a real-life Korean youth drama."

"...It's an autonomous school, but they don't look at college prep to get in?"

"I happened to watch a speech by the foundation's chairman, and he said it's way better to go outside and play than to waste your youth practicing how to solve exam questions faster. Damn. I was sold instantly."

"...What is this? It says they went to Sichuan in China and Kyoto in Japan for a cultural exploration program?"

"Right, right?! Isn't that absolutely insane?!"

"...It really is like a youth drama."

Yuseol let out a quiet murmur of admiration.

I thought he would have known about it, but it seemed he had never even considered it.

Which meant...

"What a shame. It would've been so cool if you went there too~."

Can't we go together?

I didn't say those words, not even as a joke.

Just as I had my goals, he had his.

I needed to step out of the shadow of someone who could do anything and learn how to stand on my own two feet.

"Yuseol, how is your prep going? I snuck a peek earlier, and it looked super complicated."

Bringing it up would only make me feel lonely.

I forced a smile and changed the subject.

"It is. Especially with the dual citizenship thing."

"Is it because of the military?"

"If I'm going to a university in the US, it's just way easier to attend high school there. And if I'm going to live in the US, there's no real reason to keep my Korean citizenship anyway."

"...Is this why you talked about studying abroad for high school before?"

"Yeah. Though it's hard to call it studying abroad when I already have citizenship and residency there."

Prestigious universities and major corporations whose names everyone knew.

I didn't know all the details, but he had been preparing to get there since elementary school. The brief outline of his plan I'd heard was flawless, but...

The problem was that all of this would be realized by him leaving Korea.

...No, the only one who thinks of it as a problem is me, not Yuseol...

There were plenty of private and specialized high schools in Seoul.

Even if he went to a school in the provinces and lived in a dorm...

Yes, I thought we would still be able to meet.

Even if the number of times we could see each other in a year could be counted on one hand, we could still call and text.

But if he went abroad...

Especially to the US, where even the time zones didn't align...

We won't even be able to stay in touch easily.

We lived in different worlds.

I had felt it from the moment I first saw him, but as time passed, that sense of distance only grew heavier.

"...Are you going back to America?"

"It's fifty-fifty for now. But if my dad wraps up his work here quickly and the whole family can go together, then I'll definitely go."

"...I see."

There were so many things I wanted to say.

So many feelings I wanted to share.

Drop.

I forced those feelings down, burying them deep inside.

I lowered my head, trying my best to hide my expression.

As the swing swayed slowly in the silence.

"It's strange."

He spoke out of nowhere.

Not understanding what he meant, I looked up.

"...Huh?"

"No, it's nothing. Just remembering the past."

Yuseol chuckled softly and looked up.

"Should I say two years ago? Back then, you clung to me like crazy because you thought I was going back to America."

I remembered.

Even now, I wanted to cling to him like that.

"...Ugh. Why are you bringing that up all of a sudden? You want to get beat up?"

"I just thought you'd grown up a bit. I guess a middle schooler is still a middle schooler, though."

Because ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I had resolved to part ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠ways with him.

I wasn't mature at all, but I had to pretend to be so he would look at me with respect.

"...You really treat me like a kid sometimes."

"What? You actually noticed?"

"Ugh!"

I stopped my swing and glared at him.

When I shot him a look that said I wouldn't tolerate any more teasing, he gave a gentle laugh and apologized.

...Idiot. That smile is cheating.

"...Why? Are you sad that this big sister isn't holding you back?"

I had held it in over and over, but I just had to ask this one thing.

I asked playfully, hinting at my true feelings.

"It's a shame, but there's nothing we can do about it."

He paused for a moment before replying with a smile.

It was the perfect way to put it.

A shame, but unavoidable.

A nationwide open autonomous school.

In other words, they recruited students from all over the country, and as the name suggested, provided a free-spirited education that couldn't be experienced in ordinary schools.

Unlike other private or specialized high schools, Nuri High School focused on diverse activities and student growth rather than just college admissions.

Although its college placement rate was relatively lower compared to prestigious academic high schools...

It was an autonomous school by nature, and a very unique one at that, rarely seen in Korea.

Since kids who wanted a special high school experience like me gathered there, the competition rate was four to one every year.

Which meant...

"Uggghhh!! Chae Yujin! Why didn't you study harder in your freshman year?!"

I had to work incredibly hard during the rest of my middle school years.

"First-year grades don't carry that much weight, so you're fine. Besides, your grades have been steadily improving, so if you keep this up, you'll definitely get in."

"...Nuri High, this big sister is coming for you!!"

I had a clear goal now.

And as always, he was by my side.

Thanks to that, my grades improved at an unbelievable rate.

"Come back! Come back to the Yuchae we used to know!"

"Since you're studying, it feels like we have to study too..."

Because I was living such a diligent life, Sua and Mina ended up studying along with me.

"With these grades, you definitely have a shot. Let's push just a little harder."

During the counseling session right before the end-of-year ceremony, my homeroom teacher told me that my efforts hadn't been in vain.

Of course, a free spirit like me didn't just study all day.

"Yuseol! Let's go ice skating!"

"There's this really cool anime coming out... No, listen to me! You absolutely have to watch this!"

"Just follow me. You can see where we're going when we get there."

Once exams were over, I hung out with my friends, and during vacations, I went on long trips.

And of course, he was always right there with me.

Those times were incredibly precious, but...

"Now that you're all third-years, act a bit more mature. Don't chatter while I'm speaking, like those two over there."

A new year.

A new grade.

Since the grades up to the first semester of our third year would be factored in, I had to give it my all until the very end.

"Yuseol. I'm going to try doing this on my own."

"...Oh, are you sure?"

"Yeah. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I can do it. Because I'm the Queen."

So, this was the perfect timing.

"You must be busy with your own stuff too. It's probably hard to look after me on top of all that, right?"

"...If you say so, I don't mind, but..."

"Shifu! Thank you so damn much for everything!"

"...You said 'Shifu', right? That wasn't a swear word?"

"Ariga-trash!"

"That's definitely an insult."

We had always been together.

Without a single exaggeration, we were together every waking moment, but I had to accept that we couldn't do that anymore and adapt.

"I miss you... Hug me..."

Yes, regret washed over me in just a single day, to the point where I clung to my penguin plushie that night and whined...

"...I don't want to part ways..."

But there was nothing I could do.

Denying it wouldn't change anything, so I endured it in silence.

I can handle this.

I can get through this.

"...I can let him go."

Thump, thump. My chest ached.

The first semester ended.

I stumbled slightly on the midterms, but I hit my highest score ever on the finals.

My first major achievement accomplished without his help.

When I received my report card, a rush of accomplishment washed over me like never before, but...

"...There's less than half a year left."

The intense, blazing summer sun.

Even in the face of such brilliant brightness, the very symbol of youth, I couldn't bring myself to smile.

"...I want to ask him to hang out."

I pulled out my phone and pulled up his contact info.

Just one tap and I would be connected to him, but...

"...He's probably busy."

At some point, we had even stopped walking to school together.

We lived close by, so we ran into each other often, but I no longer knew what his daily life was like.

"...He must be busy."

I turned off the screen and closed my eyes.

I told myself I could get through this.

I told myself I could handle this.

I repeated the words to myself over and over, trying to swallow my sighs, but...

"I love you, Seol Yujin..."

Sadly, my feelings for him didn't fade in the slightest.

Mid-November, after returning from my interview.

Today, unable to hold back any longer, I called him out.

"Yo!"

"It's been hard to see your face lately."

Seeing him after so long, he had grown taller in the meantime...

Just a little bit, but I had to tilt my head up to look at him.

To think the day would come when I'd have to look up at him.

The unbelievable sight felt incredibly foreign.

Who gave you permission to look down on this big sister?

I was going to tease him like that and brag about how well my interview went, but...

"My dad's work wrapped up. I'd been preparing for it, but this finally set things in motion."

"...Really?"

Honestly, this didn't feel foreign at all.

Because I had practiced for this for almost a year.

Because I knew this day would come eventually.

I can handle this. I can get through this...

I swallowed hard and repeated the mantra.

I still liked him, and I still wanted to be with ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠him, but...

I had grown used to spending my days without him.

Now I could study on my own, and somehow, I had gotten good at hiding my feelings.

Maybe if a little more time passed, the suffocating feeling in my chest whenever I thought of him would fade.

The constant sinking of my mood would gradually improve.

So, something like this was—

"I think I'm going to America."

"..."

"I'll probably leave around Christmas."

I caught my breath.

I told myself I could handle it.

I told myself I could get through it.

Just like I had done until now, I just had to do it.

I tried to repeat the words in my head, but even thinking about it for a second hurt too much.

It hurt. It hurt so much.

Why on earth did it have to hurt this much?

...No.

I wanted to send him off with a smile, but I couldn't.

I wanted to tease him, but I couldn't.

Don't go.

I like you so much.

So just for a single moment, please...

Hold me so tight it breaks me.

I wanted to throw a pathetic tantrum and say all of it, but...

"...Yeah. I see."

I couldn't do that anymore.

No. I don't want to let you go like this.

"December 24th."

"...Huh?"

"That's when the acceptance results come out. Be with me then."