What You Mean to Me (1)

The person I like might like me back.

It's just a hypothesis.

In other words, it could be a lie born of delusion and misunderstanding, but—

"As I thought. This one's the best."

"Don't go around wearing that other outfit from earlier."

"You look way better in your usual style."

Would someone really buy you clothes just because your outfit didn't suit you?

Could the simple label of "childhood friend" truly explain your kindness?

No matter how much more special we are than ordinary childhood friends, even the phrase "special childhood friend" can't fully encompass your words and actions.

Right. There's that tiny, sliver of a possibility that it's not like that.

If I had to explain it under the assumption that Yuseol is just a "top 1% unicorn-like sweet childhood friend"...

"I really treasure my childhood friend, and it pains me to see her trying to wear mature clothes that don't suit her, but if I say that outright, it might hurt her feelings when she's trying to change her style, blah blah blah..."

Boo. What kind of explanation is that?

It's boring and pedantic.

On the other hand, if I explain it under the assumption that Yuseol likes me...

"Because I don't want to see the girl I like wearing clothes like that."

Q.E.D.

Proof complete.

"Kyaaaaaah!"

I buried my face in my pillow and kicked my feet.

Giddy with excitement, I rolled around on the bed before tightly hugging the penguin plushie Yuseol had gifted me.

I received it last year, washed it multiple times, and hugged it every night when I slept.

There was no way his scent would still be on it by now, but...

"It's your noona. Your noona~."

Even so, thinking of him made me feel like I was holding a tiny version of him.

Chu, chu.

I kissed the crown of the penguin plushie's head several times, then rolled over to look at the opposite wall.

The clothes Yuseol bought me were neatly hung up there.

"Now that I think about it, it's so true! When I wore those sexy clothes, he only looked at my face, but when I wore this, he stared at me from head to toe! That's it, right? At first, he was just being polite, but later he was so mesmerized by how pretty I looked that he lost his mind? That's it, right?!"

Kyaaaaah! What is this?!

Our Yuseol is just too cute!!

I screamed with my face buried in the penguin plushie.

I wanted to run outside right now and brag to the whole neighborhood, but our Yuseol is still a baby, so I have to handle him with care.

And above all—

"When is he going to confess~?"

No matter how much I live with the mindset of a queen, I'm still a girl.

If nothing else, I want you to realize your feelings yourself and express them to me when it comes to saying "I like you" or "I love you."

"If you do all this and then say 'You're just a precious childhood friend,' you're seriously dead, okay?"

I held the penguin plushie with both hands and looked it in the eyes.

It's a universal truth that dolls can't speak, but who am I?

"Yes! I will definitely confess! Because I love Yuchae noona!"

I flapped the penguin's wings like a puppet show, mimicking Yuseol's voice.

Anyone watching this would think I'd lost my mind.

Yep. They'd be absolutely right.

"Mhm, mhm! Otherwise, even I don't know what I might do~?"

I'm so incredibly happy right now.

Now, we were in our first year of middle school.

And Yuseol was a cutie who had finally hit puberty.

Having gained absolute certainty after that day, I had the luxury of waiting for Yuseol to realize his own feelings.

After all, our romcom was bound to end with the childhood friend true ending.

"Yujin. Can I call you Yuseol too~?"

"Talking to you makes me feel like all my worries disappear, Yuseol. So, by any chance, are you free this weekend~?"

Of course, there were girls trying to drift into our pure love romcom, but wasn't I his noona?

I could easily snort and ignore that level of flirting.

"You're Sumin, right? Let's be friends too!"

"...Oh, sure~?"

"Yuseol, about us going to the exhibition this weekend~. Since we're going, why don't we grab pasta here~?"

"...Ah, Yuseol, you already had plans with Yujin?"

Well, I could ignore them, but I could also just cut them off myself.

They weren't a threat at all, and there was no way Yuseol would fall for girls like that, but you never knew what kind of dirty tricks those girls might pull.

Yep. I was totally relaxed.

Not tense in the slightest.

...Ugh. Why isn't Seol Yujin rejecting those girls?

Should I just lock him up and force a pure love route?

This was an emergency.

The closer they got, the more those girls casually flirted and hit on him, using the excuse that he was "small and cute."

If that was the reason, why didn't they call Yumin and Jaeha, who were right next to him, cute?

Look! Yumin was smiling, thinking, 'Wait, does that mean me too?', and Jaeha was sulking, thinking, 'Why not me...!'

Yeah, let's just lock him up.

As a girl who follows every trend, how could I fall behind?

While I was seriously contemplating inviting him over to my house this coming weekend to do this and that...

"I'm tired, so could you guys leave? If I don't nap now, I don't think I'll get to."

Yuseol finally activated his Domain Expansion.

The girls who had been giggling beside him looked flustered.

Yep. Serves them right.

"If you want to keep talking here, I'll leave."

Unable to take it anymore, Yuseol stood up first.

The girls stared blankly at Yuseol as he walked away, letting out dumbfounded chuckles.

Even in that situation, it was annoying that their reaction wasn't "He's awful," but rather "You're the first guy to treat me like this..."

That's my boy!

He never treats me like that.

Even if he yawns and acts like I'm a nuisance, he always listens to what I have to say.

That was the reason I trusted Yuseol.

Well, pure love has to follow the classics.

I smiled slightly and stretched.

Okay. Since he behaved so well, I'll wait for him until the end of the year.

Surely he'll confess before the year ends, right?

Crazy bastard. Crazy bastard.

Dong...

Dong...

The New Year's Eve bell rang.

Since our parents had gone to watch the sunrise together, it was just the two of us here.

This was it. The classic move to make the first day of the New Year our "Day 1."

Otherwise, why on earth would he delay his confession?

Fine. I actually wanted this event too.

"...Yuseol."

I did my absolute best to show him that I was ready to receive his confession.

I intentionally called his name without any playfulness, unlike before.

"Happy New Year."

You said that with a bright smile.

......

.........

............

Yep. That was it.

"...That's it?"

"...Yeah. What else needs to be said? Want me to give you some words of wisdom?"

Blink, blink.

We tilted our heads, staring at each other with mutual comprehension.

I stared blankly at his clueless face for a long moment, and then...

"Take this!"

Okay. I'm going with confinement, obsession, hypnosis, and pure love.

"Wh-Why?!"

"I think I saw on Insta that somewhere in the global village, they bless the New Year like this."

"No, there's no way a culture like that exists—?!"

"If I ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠say it exists, it exists. Die."

"Agh...?! N-Not there!!"

"You seriously!!"

I definitely gave you a chance!!

You started this, okay?!

The long-standing tradition of pure love stories.

The moment they start dating, views drop.

But we aren't actually in a romcom, so who is even watching us for this to happen?

"I didn't want to go this far, but..."

The past year had proven that doing my best to protect a pubescent boy's sensitivity and values was a foolish endeavor.

Now, I had no choice but to use a gentlemanly... rather, a ladylike method.

"...Why are you wearing my clothes?"

"Because it's soft and feels nice~."

"I'm not actually asking for the reason—"

"I can keep wearing this from now on, right? Thanks~."

I wore Yuseol's clothes as if they were my own.

"Do you watch porn too?"

"......What?"

"I got curious about what genre you watch, Yuseol. Tell me!"

"Get out."

I intentionally brought up dirty topics without hesitation.

"Ugh... it's cold!!"

"That's why I told you to wear a padded jacket instead of a coat."

"In that case, give me a hug~."

"Sorry. I'm from the US, and I don't speak any Korean."

"Hug me~."

"Eigentlich bin ich Deutscher."

I tried all kinds of physical contact to get him to see me as a girl.

But—

"This is my last warning. If you keep acting like this, I'll have no choice but to keep my distance."

"Honestly, because I know what you're like, I can tolerate a certain amount. But I can't accept that kind of physical contact anymore."

"Jokes are only acceptable up to a point. Do you understand?"

For some reason, Yuseol brushed it all off as a joke.

In the end, he spoke coldly, just like he did with other girls.

...It hurt.

I felt hurt, and at the same time, anxious.

If things kept going like this, we would remain just childhood friends.

Since he was aiming for a specialized high school, we only had less than two years left to hang out together.

...Was I mistaken?

...Could I really never become anything more than a childhood friend to you?

As I grew increasingly disheartened, wondering if I should just try to maintain at least this relationship...

"Dad always says it! He doesn't expect me to be like my sister, but at least do half as well!"

"Why are you bringing up Sis now?! Why do you always say that?!"

"You said you'd take care of it, but what exactly are you doing?! If you can't study, you should at least think about coming home to help your mother!"

"And what do you ever do for Mom...?! You're never even home because you're always busy...!!"

I had a fight with my dad over my grades.

Overwhelmed with emotion, I stormed out of the house...

"...I really didn't want him to see me like this."

My eyes were swollen from crying.

I was wearing pajamas that I couldn't possibly wear outside, with nothing but my phone and wallet.

It was a pathetic sight that I didn't want anyone to see.

That was why I wanted to hide it from you even more, but as if possessed, I sent you a text.

"...Thanks. For answering."

You ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠welcomed me in, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Come in."

You looked slightly surprised when you saw my face, but only for a moment.

With a faint smile, you led me to your room.

You treated me kindly, just like always, but...

I didn't know.

My chest felt tight because I had absolutely no idea what to do.

If only I were like my sister, just like Dad said...

If I were even a fraction as good as my sister or you, this wouldn't have happened.

I don't want to cry in front of Yuseol...

I turned away and bit my lip.

Holding my breath as much as possible, I prayed to every god I knew for this moment to pass.

"With that look on your face and that voice, how could I possibly sleep?"

You, who had always avoided physical contact, gave up your bed to comfort me.

"I heard you fought with your dad. Let me guess, it was about why you aren't studying?"

You had already figured everything out, yet you didn't press me, showing your consideration.

"I'm really making a huge concession here. Sleeping on my side doesn't suit me at all."

"Do you still like having your head patted?"

You willingly indulged my ridiculous selfishness.

...I was happy.

...And, I was sad.

When I tried so hard to be seen as a woman, you never once reached out to me first.

Why did you hug me without hesitation only when I acted like a spoiled child?

—I hated it.

"Chae Yujin. Look at me."

I hated the way you spoke to me in that gentle, polite tone.

"I'll help you study."

"Of course, only if you want me to."

I hated your smile, which looked like you were dealing with a child.

But...

But what I hated most of all was—

"Thank you."

"...I'll work hard."

That I loved you when you were like that.

That I couldn't push you away and ended up acting like a child again.

...Yeah. That's why I'm not the right person for you.

If you had ever looked at me as a woman, there was no way you would have tolerated my whining for all these years.

Even I think I'm an exhausting girl, so how could you ever like me romantically?

So...

"Don't you think it sparkles? The way you work hard, Yuseol."

Yuseol. I'm a fool, so I don't know.

What do I mean to you?

"I think people who try hard are cool. The world might care more about results... but I believe what truly sparkles is the process of trying to achieve those results."

What part of me did you think was sparkling?

I'm nothing.

Compared to my sister, who ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠is good at everything, and you, I'm truly insignificant...

"The reason I go out of my way to split my time to help you is because I couldn't take my eyes off how you sparkled."

Why do you show me a side of you I've never seen before only at times like this?

...Yeah. Yuseol, I really don't know.

Even though we are clearly childhood friends, you feel so close yet so far.

Even though this is as far as we go, I keep feeling you close yet far.

What do I mean to you that you treat me so endlessly well? I don't understand it at all.

But still—

Still, there is one thing I know very well.

How I feel about you.

What meaning I have given to you.

Surely...

Surely, you don't know either.

You definitely don't know—

Seol Yujin, you idiot...

"...Do you know the saying they use for people like you?"

"What is it?"

"Unpredictable and chaotic."

"Yuseol, that's a good saying."

You make me a troublemaker.

"Ah, I wish we could do three or four songs."

"And where do my feelings fit into that?"

"Come on~. We're childhood friends, so we're on the same wavelength."

"Right. I hope you do it with someone else."

"You'll do it anyway. Our Yuseol is playing hard to get again~."

"...We're in front of the kids. Let go."

"We're in front of the kids, let go~."

Sometimes you make me a chatterbox.

"Stop flirting, you player. This noona can't cover for you every time."

"...I told you, I was just standing still."

"Wow. You got asked for your Insta by a junior and you call that standing still? What's with the deception?"

"In the end, the one who got close to her was you, not me."

"Just because I gave her my Insta doesn't mean we got close, okay? Who do you think I was trying to save when I did that?"

And at other times, I become a jealous girl.

"The last runner of the Blue Team has entered the final lap!!"

"He's closing the gap against the basketball captain!! Wasn't that runner selected for the relay?! How is he so fast?!"

"...Wow."

Thinking I shouldn't be like this, I try to treat you like a proud friend, only to fall for you all over again.

"...If you packed potato chips, you should have packed wet wipes too."

"Aww~. If nothing else, you always carry wet wipes, Yuseol. And you give them to me even while saying you hate it."

"I'm really not giving you any ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠next time."

"Even if I really need to go to the bathroom?"

"...Out of basic humanity, I'd give it to you then."

"Look at this cute tsundere~."

I act with all my might to hide these feelings of mine under the guise of being childhood friends, but...

"My effort is by no means cheap. How can you let yourself get discouraged over something like this and ruin my hard work?"

"Don't go out there and make mistakes, girl. Depending on how you do, I'll either scold you to death or praise you."

"Let's go, Yuseol."

In the end, drawn by your kindness, I become a child once again.

"You have to sing along with me!!"

"What's the title of this song?!"

Even so, because you make me the most sparkling child.

Because you make me a cool person like that, time and time again.

—I have no choice but to love you.

...I have no choice but to love you, you idiot.

Because you make me feel like myself.

Because to me, Seol Yujin is that kind of person.

So—

I'm sorry for realizing it so late.

I had never properly looked at your sincerity until now.

I only acted like a child to you, just because my feelings were so big.

We aren't something like destiny.

The reason you and I could remain "us" under the relationship of childhood friends all this time...

Wasn't because I was waiting for you, but because you were waiting for me.

Because Seol Yujin had been protecting Chae Yujin all along.

So that I could become a cooler adult than anyone else.

So that I could become a more sparkling person than anyone else.

"One last time!!"

I only realized that fact when I grabbed the microphone and ran out.

I only understood it then, looking at your smile that told me to trust you and enjoy this moment more freely.

Yeah. Thank you for watching over me all this time.

So.

I'll let it go now—

Our relationship, which was close yet far.

The bond of childhood friends, which was far yet close.

From now on, I'll make you feel like yourself.

In the future, I'll make you grow up.

And the start of that—

"I'm going to prepare for the entrance exams."

I'll start with the decision to part ways with you.