What Family Means
Having monopolized Seolhwa the day before, I found myself dragged out with the four of us before heading home — all because Mother had declared, in no uncertain terms, that today it was her turn to dote on the girl.
"Here, here. Try this one on too! Oh, what about this? Ah, and this!"
Eyes sparkling, practically snorting with excitement as she piled clothes onto Seolhwa, Mother looked from the sidelines like she was committing some kind of crime.
Well, I guess it doesn't matter.
Maybe enduring Yu's high-tension antics all this time had toughened me up for this exact sort of thing.
Seolhwa, for her part, seemed to be enjoying herself well enough, smiling as she played along with Mother's enthusiasm… The problem was me.
It wasn't the peculiar atmosphere of the clothing store, exactly.
Honestly, as long as Seolhwa was happy, waiting around was no trouble at all — and watching her try on outfit after outfit was a feast for the eyes in its own right.
…What do I do.
Sitting beside my father, I had absolutely no idea what to say to him.
We might have reconciled, or something close to it — but this was still a man I'd kept at a distance for years.
"She looks like she's having fun."
While I was still writhing inwardly, Father unexpectedly spoke up first.
Only after he'd broken the ice could I manage a halfhearted, "…Yeah, she does," and finally pry my heavy mouth open.
"Seojin wouldn't stop talking about it. Said you'd brought home an absolutely adorable girl, and that she was going to spoil her rotten the moment you got here. Must've said it dozens of times."
"…I can picture it. That's even scarier."
Even Mother's occasional visits left Seolhwa and me completely wiped out as a matter of course. I could only imagine what it was like for the man who lived with that energy full-time.
Father, of course, had no way of knowing what I was thinking, and simply continued, "Still."
"You've found a good one — the kind of girl who makes Seojin's fussing worthwhile."
I didn't let it show on my face, but inside I was so startled I couldn't find a reply.
Was this what it felt like — that lift in your chest?
Hearing my girlfriend praised, and glimpsing sides of my father I'd never known before… At the very least, I could clearly feel that I was glad.
"They've been at it forever, those two."
Even as we talked, Mother's campaign of dressing up Seolhwa showed no signs of slowing down.
When I said it with a touch of weariness, Father watched them with a look of pure resignation and said, "Can't be helped."
"Designing is her profession. Give her a good model and of course she'll want to try everything. Cut her a little slack."
"Well, I don't really mind. Seolhwa's going right along with it."
At first Seolhwa had been flustered by Mother's whirlwind energy, but over time she'd grown completely used to it — the two of them had found their rhythm, you could say. They were so in sync they looked more like parent and child than Mother and I ever did. That said it all, really.
I just wanted to be ordinary.
I remembered what Seolhwa had said up on the rooftop.
I realized it. Ah… this is impossible for me.
The family affection she had craved so desperately and never received even a scrap of.
I could still picture her face from that moment with perfect clarity — overflowing with sorrow and loneliness.
"We're not a real family yet, but…"
Even so, there was a version of myself that wanted us to become one.
No matter how hard I tried as a friend, as a lover, as family… parental love was something I simply couldn't provide.
But Mother was pouring that very affection Seolhwa had longed for so desperately, gushing it out without holding anything back.
For her, too, this must be the shape of things she's always wanted.
The proof was right there — the smile clinging to Seolhwa's face showed no sign of fading.
"Look how happy she is. That's enough, isn't it?"
Even watching from a distance, the warmth was contagious enough that a smile found its way onto my face before I knew it.
"Thinking of becoming a real family?"
"I'll do my best to make it happen."
I didn't want to declare it outright. It was too important for that.
Something this precious deserved to be fretted over, worked for — and at the end of all that, I wanted to make her happy.
"You've grown up. While I wasn't looking."
"…I wouldn't really know."
Hearing it from Mother, with her usual theatrics, never quite landed — but coming from Father, always so serious and weighty, the words left me feeling distinctly sheepish.
I was scratching my cheek when Mother called out, waving us over. "You two over there~ Stop with the boys-only chat and come here!"
Father and I exchanged still-awkward wry smiles and stood up from our seats.
"I can't decide which of these two suits her better~ What does the boyfriend think?"
Seolhwa was nudged toward me with two hangers in her hands.
One held a pure white dress with delicate little frills, radiating a demure, fresh charm.
The other was a deep navy blouse that carried an air of quiet elegance.
"Looks cold."
"They're for indoors, silly~ She can wear them in the spring too. Doesn't a girl want to look cute for her boyfriend?"
"Hmm…"
Hearing that, I fell quietly into thought.
I could say with complete confidence that I had zero eye for fashion.
Lack of interest, maybe… or the mindset of a guy who figured there was no point dressing up when you weren't particularly good-looking to begin with.
"…Either one would look good on her."
But with looks like Seolhwa's, anything would suit her — so that was my answer. Mother clicked her tongue.
"Son, 'either one' is originally the worst answer you can give."
"Even if you say that…"
Before I could finish, Seolhwa caught hold of my sleeve and spoke up, hesitating between words.
"It's not about what suits me. I want to know your taste. What kind of clothes you like on me… Is that, not okay?"
"…Don't go saying something that sweet and then get embarrassed about it."
Saying something so endearing while peeking up at me expectantly like that was cheating. The effect was far too powerful — hazardous to the heart.
Given how lovely she was to begin with, either would look wonderful. But I couldn't very well repeat that worthless answer now, not when she wanted to match my preferences for my sake. That would be a disqualification as a man.
"…This one."
Desperately holding down the wild hammering of my heart, I studied the clothes and Seolhwa in turn, then carefully chose the dress.
I remembered her wearing something neat and put-together at the mall before. Something with a different feel like this might be nice too.
The moment she heard my answer, Seolhwa's face lit up brilliantly and she hugged the chosen dress to her chest, ready to dash for the register.
But she'd forgotten she still needed to put the other one back — and, apparently mortified, she returned it to its place in silence with her head bowed low.
"So cute."
On top of that, Mother was watching the two of us with a smug, thoroughly delighted grin, and I sincerely wished she would knock it off.
"I already know that."
"My, someone's gotten bold~ Our boy's changed!"
As Mother launched into another round of theatrics, I turned my head sharply away with a sigh.
After leaving the clothing store, we wandered the shopping district with no particular destination and eventually drifted into the same mall area we'd visited before.
It had been crowded last time too, but today was a full holiday, and the place felt even more packed.
"I feel like we're drawing a lot of stares…"
I was no fresh-faced looker myself, but my parents — age notwithstanding — were living proof of the unfairness of outstanding looks, and Seolhwa needed no explanation at all.
I was well aware that I was the one falling a bit short in this group.
That said, I didn't exactly want my girlfriend being looked over by other people's eyes… It just didn't sit right with me.
"H-hey… Yuseong?"
I gently drew Seolhwa, walking beside me, in against my side — and she looked so startled by the sudden closeness that I thought I'd made a mistake.
"Did you not like that? Sorry, that was sudden."
"I-it's not that I don't like it!"
When I tried to ease her away, Seolhwa squeezed her eyes shut and pressed herself even closer instead, clinging to me.
"I-I was just a little surprised, that's all… I d-don't dislike it or anything."
When she says things like that, of course I can't help falling for her.
If I said that out loud she might die of embarrassment, so I kept my mouth firmly shut.
Instead I stroked her hair gently, and Seolhwa seemed to relax, her expression softening as a little "Ehehe…" of a laugh slipped out.
"I was wondering why it felt so warm — you two were generating a heat wave back there~"
"The peanut gallery can stay quiet."
We'd ended up walking arm in arm, and my parents, leading the way ahead, kept glancing back at us with fond looks every so often… Well, nothing to be done about that.
"Come to think of it, isn't Christmas coming up soon?"
As we left the mall and walked the streets, decorations and trees began appearing here and there, and only then did I register that the Christmas season was nearly upon us.
Come to think of it, Eunha had been making a racket about us all hanging out properly on Christmas — I'd completely tuned her out at the time, and only just now remembered.
"Right, so you two will be all lovey-dovey once you get home?"
"I'm going to get mad."
The fact that I couldn't honestly deny it made me feel awkward enough that I answered in a prickly tone.
"You say that, but! Every Christmas and New Year I'd ask you to come home so we could have a party together, and you never even listened! Mom was hurt, you know?"
"Was that true?" Seolhwa looked over at me, and my conscience twinged hard enough that I whipped my head the other way. Looking at me like that left me with nothing to say.
"You can always start now."
"I've been waiting for this~ Consider yourself on notice? So you'll stay and celebrate with us before you go?"
"We've already got plans with friends this time. Next time."
"Ehh~"
Mother pouted and grumbled, and Father lightly tapped her on the head. "That's enough of that."
Honestly, the two of us alone had no hope of reining in that runaway locomotive, so I was grateful just to have a brake like him around.
"There's plenty of time. Be patient, like a grown-up."
"Tch… Fine, fine. I got my fill today anyway."
Somewhere in the middle of that conversation we arrived at the terminal. It was time to leave.
"Thank you so much for everything these past few days."
"That's enough. No need for thanks."
As Seolhwa bowed at a perfect right angle, Father told her there was no need and gently straightened her up, then carefully stroked her hair.
"Look after Yuseong from here on out. The boy can be careless about the practical side of living."
"I-I'll do my best!"
"Shouldn't you be saying that when the person in question isn't standing right here?"
I tried to throw in a jab, but Mother puffed out her cheeks — "Oh, so only you get to say the nice things!" — and pulled Seolhwa into a tight hug, and whatever I'd said vanished into thin air long ago.
"Come again next time, okay? I'll be waiting! Did you have fun?"
"I should be the one saying that. Seo… I mean, M-Mo…"
"Hmm~? I can't quite hear what you're saying~"
"Looks like you've already made up your mind. Give it a little push."
Mother beamed, having seen right through the rest of that sentence, and with those words I gave Seolhwa a few encouraging pats on the back.
Seolhwa took a small breath, then opened her mouth again.
"I-I'll come again. Mo…ther."
"Kyaa~ I finally heard it, I heard it! Come on, come on — while you're at it, this one too!"
Mother crowed with delight and dragged Father over, and Seolhwa, squirming with shyness, actually managed to get the words out: "P-please take care of yourself. Father…"
"Of course. I'll be looking forward to it too."
"That was a lot…"
On the bus ride back, I slumped in my seat and sighed up at the ceiling lights.
I'd dredged up a past I'd been living without, and at the same time gained a relationship more precious than anything.
I'd reunited with an old friend, and somehow acquired an excessively passionate underclassman too.
"Yeah. It's nothing but good things, being with you, Yuseong."
"I'm glad you think so."
The armrest kept us from leaning against each other, but our hands stayed joined the whole way.
"Still, I'm impressed you managed to say 'Mother.'"
Given how easily embarrassed she was, I never would have expected her to say something like that first.
Mother hadn't let it show, but even she had looked a little surprised — and I'd found it unexpected enough myself that I brought it up.
Then I felt Seolhwa's grip on my hand tighten, and with it, a faint tremor.
"Because… we're family."
Lately, Seolhwa had started putting the things she wanted into words.
She set her sights on something, and when she had thoughts, she spoke them clearly.
To other people that might be ordinary — but for us, at least, it never had been.
I never looked at the people around me, and she never even had anyone who would listen.
This was only the process.
The process of two people who had always been different, slowly fitting themselves to the world, becoming ordinary.
Watching Seolhwa grow in that good direction — that expression of hers, painted over with joy and shyness — felt endlessly precious to me.
But at the same time, I could guess why she was trembling.
The kinder my parents and I were to her, the more she couldn't help remembering.
The mother who had already gone far away. And those wretched people who were family and still never treated her like a human being.
You can't do everything at once. You just fill in the gaps, little by little.
Until the old wounds don't even surface anymore — or if they do, until they no longer matter at all.
"That's enough."
Seolhwa turned toward me, and our eyes met.
I had never really held anyone's gaze — not even my parents'.
My eyes would slide away at once, or I'd drop my head.
Meeting someone's eyes only ever made me feel small and pathetic.
But right now was different.
Those anxiously trembling eyes… I told them, the way I always did, a single word: It's okay.
The same way you once told me—
To you, who taught me the joy of meeting someone's eyes. To you, who taught me the happiness of being together.
"That's right."
Watching the ease return to Seolhwa's face, I answered her calmly. "That's right."
And at the same time, I thought—
The reason I could meet someone's eyes now wasn't anything special, really.
Because even someone like me — even when I felt small and pathetic — it was all right.
Because there was someone beside me who made me believe it was all right.
—That, I supposed, was what family meant.