Little by Little
"Lately, Seol-hwa's been acting weird."
"Weird how?"
"That's the thing. I don't even know…"
Slumped over while we waited for our order at the fast-food place, I couldn't find an answer to Tae-yang's follow-up. There was no shaking the uneasy feeling that had settled over me.
Ever since I'd gotten home, Seol-hwa hadn't just been a little off — she'd been outright suspicious.
Wherever she went, she used to either tell me about it or take me along. But lately she'd been out of the house more and more, and for some reason she'd started coming home late. When I asked out of worry, all I got was that she'd been over at Eun-ha's. And recently it had gotten so bad that she seemed uncomfortable even talking to me — she'd bolt before I could get a word out.
Left alone with nothing to do, I'd been rolling around the house when Tae-yang texted asking if I had a minute. That was how I'd ended up killing time here.
"…Am I the weird one?"
I never thought she'd pull something like this without a word. Had I done something wrong? I dug through every memory I could find, but nothing stood out. Frustrated, I planted my forehead on the table and muttered to myself.
"Well, it's not like I can blame you for thinking that."
"…You know something, don't you."
I'd tried contacting Eun-ha, but all I got was that she was busy and would call later. I'd thought about going over myself, except I didn't even know where she lived. And Seol-hwa was in the state I'd already described. Still face-down on the table, I lifted my head just enough to look up at Tae-yang. He gave me a cryptic little smile and said, "Who knows~?"
Looking at him like that, I had no idea what was going through his head. He felt a bit like a homeroom teacher — maybe they were the same type of person. The thought crossed my mind for a second.
"Sorry. If I told you, I think both of them would kill me."
"So you do know."
Was I imagining the feeling that I was being left out of something?
"Tae-yang, we're here~!"
I let out what must have been my dozenth heavy sigh and dropped my head back onto the table. Then the shop door opened, and several sets of footsteps headed our way. I looked up.
"Huh… Han Yu-seong?"
"What's he doing here?"
They only seemed to register me once I'd lifted my head, question marks written all over their faces. I sighed pointedly, right where they could see it. That was my line, I wanted to fire back — but I didn't feel like making a scene, so I kept my mouth shut.
"I was planning to invite everyone to the party anyway, so I figured it couldn't hurt to get the introductions out of the way first."
"So you were the ringleader."
"Having more people you know never hurts, right? For Seol-hwa, and for you too."
I snuck a kick at his leg under the table, packing a little of the resentment I felt over the Seol-hwa situation into it. Tae-yang just laughed it off with that shameless grin of his.
"Mm, this works out. I've been wanting to talk to you anyway. Right?"
"Definitely."
"What?"
Their reactions were a lot less prickly than I'd expected, and I tilted my head. Tae-yang leaned in and whispered, "If they were the type to be like that, I wouldn't have brought them."
"We never even got a chance to talk to you in class, you know? You were always either asleep or cutting. I still remember the time you woke up mid-lesson, told us you couldn't be bothered, and went right back under."
"And even on the rare days you were awake, you put out this whole don't you dare talk to me aura."
"Which makes the class president, who kept talking to you anyway, kind of legendary in more ways than one."
"Right? She's more of a guy than most actual guys, in every sense of the word."
There wasn't much I could say to that, so I shut my mouth again — for a completely different reason than before.
The two of them settled in naturally and started chatting away. I just sat there chewing my burger in silence. Then the one with the light blonde hair nudged me and said, "Still, though."
"You've been showing up to school a lot more lately, huh? Is that thanks to the girlfriend?"
I nearly spit out what was in my mouth. Coughing, I shot Tae-yang a look that said you told them?, but he just shrugged. "I didn't say a word?"
"Wait, you two aren't dating? You've been stuck to her side ever since you started actually coming to school. Pretty much the whole class already figures you are."
"You're kidding…"
At school it was usually either me or Eun-ha looking after her, so I supposed it wasn't that strange they'd see it that way. …Still, this had to be better than when people were openly talking behind my back and tearing into me.
I sighed at the thought, and the other one leaned in with sparkling eyes. "So? Are you actually dating?"
I sighed again, scratched my head, and said, "Yeah."
"Whoa… he just admitted it straight up!"
"It's the truth, so. Hiding it would probably look even worse."
I felt like an animal at the zoo being gawked at. Was I imagining that too?
"You're refreshingly straightforward about it. I like that type."
"Don't go broadcasting it too much… though I guess if everyone's already thinking it anyway."
"But seriously — right around before break, you two started walking to school together out in the open. Holding hands, even, like you were announcing to the world how close you were. It'd be weirder not to get the wrong idea."
"…Yeah, fair enough."
Back then I'd been so focused on Seol-hwa that everything else had fallen by the wayside. I hadn't even considered it. Apparently people's impression of me had been improving without my noticing.
"And another thing — I'd never seen Seol-hwa smile like that. I guess it's true what they say. People really do change when they fall in love."
"Come on, come on, spill. How'd you two get close? How'd you end up dating?"
"It's nothing special. She was out in the rain with no umbrella, and then she collapsed, so I took care of her… and we got to know each other from there."
It had been a while now, but whenever I tried to recall it, the scene came back instantly. Seol-hwa, drifting through that driving rain — the way she'd looked when I found her. The words she'd spoken, having completely given up on expecting anything from other people, or from herself.
No one would care what happens to me anyway.
Compared to back then, I thought she'd come a long way. She showed more emotion now, shied away from people less. She'd started saying what she wanted, and every so often she'd even complain.
Which only made it harder to guess what she was hiding now…
I was about to sigh when I felt a meaningful stare from beside me. I asked what the look was for, and got back, "Nothing much."
"Just thinking that the face you make when you're thinking about Seol-hwa is kind of entertaining."
"Entertaining…"
"Ha, so I was right? I was just fishing."
"You guys…"
"Okay, okay. If we tease him too much, Yu-seong's going to sulk."
"Don't pretend to stop them while you're joining in."
"Oops, busted?"
Tae-yang stuck his tongue out and bonked himself on the head — a gesture even girls these days wouldn't pull — and I genuinely wanted to smack him. I really wished he'd knock it off.
"Anyway, that's how it looks from the outside. With Seol-hwa, too — at first there were just too many people around her to even try talking to her, and later on she looked so worn down that… I don't know. We couldn't bring ourselves to approach her. Whatever the case, I think things are just right the way they are now."
"…Is that so."
I made some noncommittal noises of agreement. The blonde one finished eating, wiped her hands, and held one out to me.
"That's the idea. Oh — we never introduced ourselves, did we? I'm Lee Yu-bin, and that's Lee Si-hyeon. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you." The brown-haired one beside her gave a little nod, and I did the same.
"So together you're the Two Lees duo?"
"Seong Tae-yang. If you don't shut up, you're paying for everything at this table."
I'd done all sorts of things hoping Seol-hwa would make some close friends — but the same went for me, didn't it? I'd decided I was going to change. There was no backing out now.
"Yeah, uh… nice to meet you too."
I carefully took my new friend's hand and shook it.
"See you at the party~!"
"Byeee—"
Once the two of them had left and it was just us again, we started walking the streets, figuring it doubled as a little post-meal exercise.
"So. You called me out just to introduce me to those two?"
"Well, that was part of it."
"…I'm still kind of surprised."
"By what?"
"I figured you'd take one look and hate the whole thing… I still can't believe you went along with it as easily as you did."
Tae-yang clapped me on the shoulder. "You worry too much."
"I already told you — if they were that kind of people, I wouldn't have brought them."
"Yeah, I get that, but…"
Meeting Seol-hwa had made me want to change, so I could stay by her side. And I was trying, little by little. At least, that was what I told myself. But… I couldn't quite feel it yet.
"I just don't get it," I said, tipping my chin up toward a sky that had started to turn the color of sunset. Tae-yang gave a helpless little laugh. "It's simpler than you think."
"What is?"
"You look happy. Maybe that's all it is."
"Because I look happy… huh."
"You don't even try to hide how much she means to you. It's hard to stay prickly toward someone like that, don't you think?"
"…Maybe."
I'd lost someone precious in an instant. All I wanted was to never go through that again. Making something I'd regret… I was done with that.
"I still… don't really get it."
I muttered it out on a sigh, and Tae-yang said, "You don't have to get it right now," and smacked me hard across the back with a sharp crack. I rubbed the stinging spot and shot him a sideways glare, but he just laughed it off. "Little by little. Give it time, and you'll figure it out… like I did."
"…Like you did?"
Something about that felt too loaded to just let slide, so I asked. But Tae-yang clearly didn't want to say more on the subject, and I had no choice but to drop it.
"Anyway, I was a little worried about you. Figured you'd die of loneliness or something~."
"You could've just told me straight."
Honestly, the longer stretches alone had left me feeling lonely, so I couldn't really deny it. All I could do was answer with a touch of resentment.
"Who knows."
"…She's not doing anything I need to worry about, is she?" I glanced at Tae-yang, who was still playing it completely cool. "Nothing like that," he said.
"Good."
He wasn't the type to lie, so I could probably trust him on this. Eun-ha was probably with her too, most likely.
…Am I being too overprotective?
The thought hit me out of nowhere. She might have her own reasons, things she couldn't tell me, things she needed to do — and maybe I was digging too hard based on nothing but my own feelings. But I couldn't help being scared. Scared that this happiness, this precious thing I had now, would vanish without warning the way it had before. I knew I was clinging out of anxiety… and I felt pretty pathetic for it.
Tae-yang had been watching me in silence while I sank into useless thoughts. Then he let out a sudden snort of laughter, and the heavy atmosphere shattered.
"…What."
"Ah. Sorry, sorry. Just thinking you really do like her a lot."
"Of course I do."
I answered evenly. It wasn't a fact I had any reason to deny. At first I'd thought of it as a one-sided arrangement where I was the one helping her — but by now, I was the one receiving far more. The housework, the things at home, the stuff from the past… and if I was willing to risk the cringe of saying it out loud, these days I couldn't even imagine a life without Seol-hwa in it.
"…That's why I worry even more."
"I see~."
Tae-yang answered lightly, then made a show of thinking it over, scratched his head, and said, "Can't be helped, I guess."
"If you're that worried about it — want to go see her?"