Sea of Stars

"Wow, there's so many fish…!"

"You're going to trip if you keep running."

Was this feeling of being some teacher shepherding a child just my imagination?

I couldn't quite understand what was so fascinating about fish that only drifted behind a glass wall. My gaze kept drifting more toward Seolhwa watching the fish than to the fish themselves.

Her red eyes held the blue of the tanks and the fish swimming through them. The way she stared at the aquariums, eyes shining with wonder — it was adorable. The profile of Seolhwa smiling, completely caught up in the moment, had a destructive power that made that reaction feel inevitable.

I was staring at her so openly I might as well have been pulled in, when Seolhwa carefully approached me.

"Sorry… was I getting too carried away on my own?"

She ducked her head, shrinking into herself. I hurriedly tried to say no, but the words wouldn't come out.

"Cu…"

"Cu?"

Seolhwa tilted her head, fiddling with her ear as if she had no idea what I meant.

You were so cute I couldn't look away.

…Like I could ever say that out loud.

But I couldn't let her deflate when she was having such a good time either…

"I thought you were cute…"

I gritted my teeth and forced the words out. My mental fortitude felt like it was being shaved away at an alarming rate. That definitely wasn't my imagination.

Hearing that, Seolhwa couldn't even manage a proper reply. She just hung her head, face flushed bright red, and mumbled "Thank you…" with her lips barely moving.

"Excuse me?"

We were still recovering from our mutual knockout state and wandering around again when a middle-aged foreign couple who looked quite advanced in years called out to us.

"Yes, what is this in reference to?"

I floundered, with no idea how to answer — English and I had never been on speaking terms — when Seolhwa suddenly started rattling off words I'd never even heard before.

Right. She was an honor student.

I'd briefly forgotten she was higher-spec than I'd given her credit for. Beyond that, though, I felt a little surprise and warmth at the fact that she could answer strangers without freezing up anymore.

…Setting aside the vague sense of isolation and helplessness of being the only one left behind in a conversation that might as well have been alien speech.

When she seemed to have finished talking, Seolhwa trotted back over to me.

"What did they say?"

"They seemed a bit lost. I just told them where to go, and then…"

Seolhwa gestured toward the elderly couple with her eyes. The two of them smiled kindly and held up the camera from their bag.

"They offered to take a picture for us as thanks… Is that okay?"

She was carefully gauging my reaction.

You don't have to be so careful about it.

I let out a soft sigh and answered, "Of course." Seolhwa brightened with relief.

But I still couldn't get used to photos. Knowing strangers were the ones taking it made me oddly tense, too. A glance to the side showed Seolhwa wasn't much better off. She was trembling with stiff movements, her whole body screaming I'm nervous, so I gave her a light tap on the head as if to say calm down.

"It's fine."

I wasn't fine either, honestly, but this was the kind of moment you had to bluff through. As I said it, I gently took her hand, and I could feel the trembling in our joined hands gradually ease.

The couple watched us with warm smiles, and the camera shutter clicked.

"We appreciate your kindness. We hope they become a good couple."

They bowed politely to us as we took the photo, left those words behind, and walked away.

Even after the two of them disappeared from sight, Seolhwa just stood there blankly, face still red.

Don't tell me…

Worried she might have had another sudden episode like last time, I stepped closer.

"…What are you doing?"

At that, she put distance between us at incredible speed and hid behind a nearby wall.

"I-it's nothing! Nothing at all…!"

…That's her embarrassed reaction.

I'd gotten familiar enough with her in all sorts of ways to say so with confidence — I could almost see the structure of her thoughts.

"I'd be a little sad if you lied to me~"

The delivery was awkward at best, but it worked on this idiot. Her conscience threshold was ridiculously low; a light poke was enough to reel her in.

Sure enough, it wasn't long before Seolhwa started with a "Well…"

"Th-they said they hoped we'd become a good couple as they left…"

"…Sorry."

Yeah, that would be embarrassing. I covered my face with my palm and apologized quickly.

Seolhwa said "It's okay" and pulled my hand away.

"I'm actually happy. That other people see us that way too… as, um, a couple."

"…You really need to use your turn signal."

If she was going to say things like that with such an innocent smile, the person hearing it — me — couldn't take it in any number of ways. The impulse to just pull her into a hug hit me unbidden, but we were in public, so I had to fight it down with everything I had.

"Dolphins are hard to find, huh…"

"Seems that way these days."

Between declining populations from pollution and all the noise about animal abuse, it made sense. Dolphins were one of the first things you thought of with aquariums, so we'd looked for them, but apparently they were hard to come by now. All we got was watching ones that swam around in tanks.

"Still, the underwater tunnel was pretty fresh, right?"

"Yeah. It made me wonder if this is what walking underwater would feel like… Yuseong, do you come to places like this a lot?"

"What do you think?" I shrugged, and Seolhwa crossed her arms with a thoughtful look.

"I don't think you would…"

"Wrong. I come more often than you'd expect."

"Really?" Seolhwa just blinked, as if she couldn't believe it. I answered, "Because of my mother."

Only then did she nod in understanding. "Ahh…"

"She used to drag me all over the place. Said I shouldn't only play basketball…"

"I can roughly picture it…"

"Right?"

Back then, I'd felt like she was blocking the path I wanted with things I hadn't even asked for. I'd made my dislike obvious and acted however I pleased. But now, if even one of those experiences could contribute to Seolhwa's smile, none of it mattered anymore.

Thinking of it, I looked around for a gift shop to pick up a souvenir — and something that looked surprisingly fun caught my eye.

A makeshift planetarium labeled Sea of Stars.

"Want to check that out?"

I nudged Seolhwa in the side with my elbow and jerked my chin toward the ticket booth.

"A planetarium…?"

"We didn't get to see a show. Think of it as a substitute."

This should be enough to clear away the disappointment of missing one. When I lightly took her hand and led her along, Seolhwa said, "Thanks for thinking of me." I answered, "I just wanted to see it myself."

The machines seemed to run on a fixed schedule, and with nothing else to do, we decided to just wait inside.

"It's darker than I expected. Careful not to trip."

"Y-yeah. I'll be careful."

With the lights fully out and only the barest illumination left, the interior was quite dark. We walked carefully hand in hand until we found our seats. It felt a bit like a movie theater — dim, with the outline of a large machine visible some distance away.

"I wonder what it'll be like. I'm excited…"

I'd been the one to suggest it, but I didn't feel much myself, and I didn't want to rain on her parade, so I just went along with a "Yeah."

Hearing that, I closed my eyes as instructed. At the same time, the seats slowly reclined, until it felt like ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠we were lying down.

I carefully opened my eyes — and swallowed my breath.

How should I put it… Today, for the first time, I saw a sky full of stars.

The Milky Way, constellations… Even if you'd seen them in books or videos, nothing compared to seeing them for yourself. Knowing it was artificial didn't stop me from staring up at the ceiling, holding my breath without realizing it.

Listening to the soft chirp of insects and watching a rain of stars fall from the ceiling, I had no choice but to correct my prejudice that first impressions weren't always right.

When the celestial observation ended and we stepped outside the building, the sky had already grown dark.

Whether from being absorbed in it or still riding the afterglow, we walked hand in hand without speaking. On the way back, a riverside appeared, and Seolhwa said, "Let's rest a bit." We bought canned coffee from a nearby convenience store and sat side by side.

We were sipping our coffee in silence when Seolhwa broke the quiet with an "Hey."

"I… used to hate looking at the night sky."

"Yeah?"

"When I looked at it… how do I put it. It made me feel pathetic."

"Pathetic, huh…"

I flopped straight back onto the grass and looked up at the sky, recalling the words from the planetarium.

Beneath that vast night sky, how small were we?

"I get it… When you're just staring at a wide, dark sky, the loneliness hits way too hard."

"…I think I get that too," Seolhwa said, and gave a small laugh.

In short, looking at the night sky was like feeding your own unhappiness. Borrowing the power of that loneliness to forgive the version of yourself that refused to get used to the world.

"Even when you force your head up to look at the sky, it only makes the feeling of being alone stronger, so you get sick of it."

"…You stole everything I was about to say."

"That's… sorry."

"It's fine."

For a while, we simply sat in silence, taking in the night sky. The air mixed with exhaust, the voices of cars and people — all of it, together with the cold winter wind, only made the moment feel more real.

The night sky shone the same color as it always had, then and now. If we could feel it differently, maybe that meant Seolhwa and I had changed.

"For me, uh… it was less a hobby and more of a habit."

"Looking at the night sky?" she asked. I answered, "Yeah."

"And even then, I thought it was stupid."

Because for me, looking at the night sky had never been the cool, sentimental thing other people talked about. Whenever the dreams got bad enough to torment me, I always looked at the night sky. It was a kind of escape — turning away from what I didn't want to see, trying to look only at what I did. Calling something like that a habit… I privately mocked myself for how pathetic it was.

Being together is fun, huh…

Why was that thing Seolhwa had said coming back to me now?

I tried to steal a sideways glance at her, only to find she was trying to do the same thing. Our eyes met dead-on, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and we both whipped our heads away in flustered panic. The whole thing was so strangely funny I laughed out loud, and the laughter must have been contagious, because Seolhwa let out the same kind of laugh.

"You lie down too. It feels surprisingly different like this."

I gestured as I said it. Seolhwa hesitated for some reason, then put on an expression of pure, unsettling resolve — as if she'd made some kind of decision —

"E-excuse me…"

— and lay down using one of my outstretched arms as a pillow. I lost the ability to speak.

"Uh, uh…? That wasn't it?"

Maybe because I said nothing, or maybe because I'd made some dumbfounded face — Seolhwa shot upright in full panic, stammering. I snorted a laugh, caught her, and pulled her back into the same position.

"I thought that's what you meant…"

"You've been hanging around Eunha too much."

"Maybe so…"

Looking at Seolhwa with steam practically rising from her head, I laughed again. The weight of her on my arm. The white breath from the cold wind on our skin. The distance between our eyes, drawn close.

Feeling Seolhwa with my whole body, I thought: the reason I could look at the night sky again and recognize how beautiful it was — that was thanks to this weight on my arm.

"Yuseong, did you see that just now? A shooting star!"

"What?"

I hurriedly turned my gaze, but all I caught was a trail faint enough to suggest something had passed.

"Missed it…"

"I wanted to take a picture too, but they disappear too fast."

"If you'd caught that, it'd be a Pulitzer."

"That's true too."

"A wish? Did you make one?"

I ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠wasn't the superstitious type. But with her, it was entirely possible — I thought as I asked, and to my surprise, Seolhwa actually nodded.

"Barely, before the star fell. …Though I think Yuseong will get mad."

"…What did you wish for?"

"Well, I heard these things lose their power if you tell anyone."

Then don't mention the part about me getting mad.

It bothered me too much to just let it go, so I pressed again. Seolhwa smiled as if she had no choice and opened her mouth.

"I wished for Yuseong to be happ—"

Before she could finish, I flicked her squarely on the crown of the head with a bit more force than usual.

"…Ow."

She clutched her head and looked at me as if to ask what that was for. I sighed, making a show of it.

"Why would you wish for my happiness? You should wish for your own."

"But everything I want, Yuseong already gives me, so… ow!"

I wordlessly struck the same spot again. My heart not pounding would have been the real miracle. I'd only ever thought of her as pure and gentle, but the way she casually dropped lines like that made it clear she wasn't just that either.

Watching this fool who had no idea what a guy's heart was going through still smiling even as she rubbed her head, a mischievous urge rose in me.

"You did it knowing I'd get mad, so I guess I really should get mad."

I dropped my voice low as I said it. Whether she was genuinely scared or not, Seolhwa flinched, and I had to desperately hold back a laugh.

"I'm mad, so I'm going to do something you'll hate."

"W-what are you going to do?"

"Who~ knows?"

I sat up abruptly and strode toward her. Seolhwa started trembling for real, and I finally burst out laughing. Looking completely lost, she seemed to finally understand the situation and puffed out her cheeks. "…You tricked me again!"

Unfortunately, though, it wasn't a lie. I really was going to do something she'd hate.

Before Seolhwa could get a word out, I pulled her small body into a firm embrace — as if releasing everything I'd been holding back all at once. Doing something like this was embarrassing for me too, but the warmth and feel of Seolhwa, which always settled my heart, let me keep my composure well enough.

"…You did trick me after all."

Saying that, Seolhwa sighed and wrapped her arms around me in return.

"Giving me a reward and then calling it something to get mad about… You're so mean."

Behind Seolhwa, who couldn't see past my arms, another shooting star glittered and fell.

Since this fool who wished for someone else's happiness over her own had gone and made a wish for me, I thought about doing the same — an eye for an eye — then stopped. I was in the middle of getting mad at her for spending her wish on someone else. If I did the same thing, it'd be pure hypocrisy.

It was a stupid thing.

That an idiot who'd lived sunk in unhappiness would end up wishing for someone else's happiness.

I'd changed. I'd gone and changed.

My life — it could change.

The warmth in my arms, as warm as a fireplace, was silently proving that fact.

The shooting star had already vanished far away, out of sight. Even so, if it was all ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠right, I would make a wish for myself.

May this precious now go on forever.

To the shooting star that had already left, I silently made my wish.