I Want to Walk with You

Taking Seol-hwa with me, I headed somewhere without a word.

We walked and walked until we arrived at the school.

The place I had once attended. The place that had made me resign myself to the belief that everything was over.

And at the same time… the place where everything had begun.

It was after school, but luckily the gates were still open. We passed along the familiar route I had always taken to class and arrived at the basketball court.

It wasn't particularly late, but winter nights never allow the sun to linger long. The sky was already draped in the familiar colors of dusk.

I can remember now that the sky had felt just like this back then, too. That familiar sky. The court as it always was. Myself standing there.

The only thing missing… was the one person who had always been there.

I sat Seol-hwa down on a nearby bench — she looked completely lost as to why we were here — and opened my mouth.

"It might be a boring story, but… will you listen?"

"You shouldn't have let them steal it there. You should've forced the opening harder."

The sports festival was over and everyone had gone home. Alone on the empty basketball court, I dribbled and ran.

Looking back now… maybe the injury was inevitable. I'd been pushing myself that hard.

"More. More… This isn't enough!"

How many shots had I taken? My arms were going numb. My body was soaked in sweat, and my legs trembled so badly it wouldn't have been strange if I'd collapsed right then. And still I kept moving without rest, like a car with a broken brake.

"Um… excuse me…!"

What stopped me was a voice that came out of nowhere.

"This…! I-if you don't mind, would you drink this?"

Some girl approached and held out a sports drink. I didn't know her. Well — I barely knew anyone, so of course I didn't. But she was wearing our school uniform, so she had to be from the same school at least.

One odd detail: summer was approaching, and everyone had already switched to their summer uniforms as a matter of course. This girl, though, was still in her winter uniform. Twin braids. Oversized glasses. Overall, she looked plain and unremarkable.

But if there was one thing that stuck in my memory, it was her hair. A bright, vivid pink — like cherry blossoms insisting that spring wasn't over yet.

That girl stood there trembling, bent at a perfect right angle at the waist, arms stretched out, waiting for me to take the drink.

I had no idea what this was about, but I was exhausted and thirsty, so I accepted the kindness and decided to rest for a bit. I sat on a nearby bench and drank. Beside me, she fidgeted like she had something to say — but didn't say a single word. It was so frustrating that I finally had to push her.

"If you've got something to say, just say it."

Only then did she blurt out, "Ah — s-sorry!" The delayed response almost made me want to go back to practice right then, but I'd accepted her drink, so I held back.

"Um, so… I saw you play at the sports festival."

"Yeah."

"You were a-amazing…!"

"Not even close."

I cut her off before she could finish. She froze, blinking at me.

"Amazing? Please. This level is nowhere near enough. At this rate…"

That person still won't acknowledge me.

I swallowed the rest of the words. Something dark and irritated was crawling up inside me, so I let out a heavy sigh instead.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to take it out on you. Thanks for the compliment. And for the drink."

I'd rested enough. I tossed the plastic bottle into the trash, picked up the ball, and stood to start moving again.

"B-but still!"

…More accurately, I tried to stand. The girl grabbed my sleeve with everything she had, and I ended up plopping right back down onto the bench.

"…Hey."

"I-I'm sorry! Really sorry! I just did it without thinking…"

"Forget it. Don't worry about it."

I stood again and started toward the court.

"I… to me, you looked… incredibly cool…!"

But her next words stopped me in my tracks before I even realized it.

"Watching you run across the court… I don't really know basketball, but I thought, wow, that's incredible. Being able to throw yourself into something with that much passion… I-I thought it was amazing. I wanted to be like that!"

"…This kind of thing isn't special."

I'd invested that much time. Worked myself half to death. Walked this path without looking at anything else. This much was expected. No — only being able to do this much felt pathetic, if anything.

I barely managed to keep my face from twisting and said:

"If you don't get results… if you don't get recognized, it means nothing."

The moment I said that, the girl suddenly raised her voice — "Th-then!" — and grabbed both of my hands. I froze for a second. Before I could even ask what she thought she was doing, she spoke again.

"I-I… even someone like me! If someone like me is okay… I'll recognize you! You're working this hard! The results will come — at least… that's what I believe!"

If I said my heart wasn't moved by those words, I'd be lying. The hand that had been about to shake her off stopped mid-motion.

I hadn't wanted to let go of the dream I'd held since I was little. I'd worked myself to the bone because I refused to have it dismissed as pointless. I just wanted to hear my father say well done. That's my son.I believed in you. Anything. Just one word affirming my dream. Beyond that, nothing else had felt like it mattered.

But for the first time, faced with someone else who acknowledged me…

"Ah — I… I didn't even say my name. I'm Saebom! Han ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Saebom. Um, so… i-if someone like me is okay… I'll be your fan!"

"Are you an idiot."

I regret it.

If I hadn't taken that hand back then…

"Being friends is fine too."

…I wouldn't have had to go through so much pain.

That was how Saebom and I first met.

After that, we grew close quickly… no, naturally. Whenever I practiced alone on the empty court, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Saebom would show up as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Before I knew it, that had become ordinary. Everyday life.

I found out later that we'd been in the same class all along — but until that day on the court, I hadn't even registered her existence. I hadn't cared about anything else, and honestly, she was the kind of person who blended into the background… someone who floated on the edges of the class.

We talked about this and that, and our range of places gradually expanded. The court. The classroom. The streets. People could say whatever they wanted about two outcasts hanging out together. It didn't matter. We were happy enough that none of that mattered.

"I… I like that about you, Yu-seong."

That she never laughed at my dream.

"Hey… good work today, too!"

That she smiled like she was genuinely happy no matter what I talked about.

"I'm the one who should be thanking you for letting me stay with you!"

That she smiled just because being with me made her happy.

Looking someone right in front of me in the eye. That was the first time I understood how joyful it could be — to have someone see you like that.

I'd been desperately trying to get my dream recognized. Running forward with my eyes locked ahead, whipping myself on, telling myself I had no time to look around. To someone like me, Saebom was… something like a lantern. A place to rest that let me stop walking and look at the world around me.

If someone like that stayed ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠by my side… even if I failed someday. If Saebom just smiled the way she always did and said it was okay — I thought that alone would be enough to keep me going.

— Or rather, I wanted to believe that.

"Today… I'm definitely going to tell her."

I don't know how much time had passed, but I finally decided to be honest with myself. We'd gotten close enough that I thought — no, I was almost certain — that if I told her how I felt, Saebom would accept it. Even if she found it a little embarrassing to look at.

Full of fluttering expectation, I waited for her and started practicing on the court like always.

But.

"…What the hell."

I waited until the sky went dark, and she never came. Saebom had never once skipped coming to the court without a word. She always showed her face, or at least left a message if she couldn't. Complete radio silence.

I tried calling just in case, but all I got was a recording saying the number didn't exist.

"What is this supposed to mean…?"

I couldn't even go looking for her house. Whenever the topic of home came up, Saebom always seemed to deliberately change the subject. I hadn't wanted to dig into something that might be painful, so I'd held back from asking… and now I had no way of knowing where she lived.

I went to school the next day, and sure enough, Saebom was nowhere to be found. Word was she'd transferred somewhere far away.

When the one thing that had been holding me up disappeared, what came for me was a sense of loss. A vast emptiness, like a huge hole had opened up inside my chest.

I had learned what it meant for something to be precious. And the pain that came when that precious thing vanished was beyond anything I could have imagined.

I wanted to deny it. I wanted to believe this was just some bad dream.

"There's no way she'd just disappear without a word."

Even if my father never recognized me. Even if I never achieved my dream… I'd thought it would be okay as long as she was there.

"And then when you're the one who disappears… what the hell am I supposed to do?"

What hurt more than the reality of her being gone was this: no matter how precious someone is to you, they might not feel the same. That fact was driving me insane.

When I woke from that bad dream, nothing was left. No one to walk beside me.

"Serves you right. Trying to do everything alone."

"Didn't even know your place."

The people I'd ignored.

"I told you, just study."

Even the person I'd clung to so desperately, the one I'd struggled for.

And just like that, the dull, ordinary life of a nobody who wasn't even worth talking about came to an end.

"I've been forgetting it this whole time. Trying to forget."

Because remembering hurt. Because I had no idea what to do with the dark, murky thing that rose up inside me. I chose to run.

"It's a stupid story… no. Just a story about an idiot."

Forgetting. At some point, that had become the natural thing to do. By now I couldn't even recall what her voice had sounded like, or what her face and expressions had looked like.

But then I met this girl… Seol-hwa. I met a kind presence who held me when I was in pain, and I remembered.

Because the words I'd just heard from her — It was hard, wasn't it? You tried so hard, so… it's okay — were the same words Saebom had once said to me.

And what I was remembering now was the worst possibility of all: the one that erased the value of my own existence.

"To me… you might have just been a substitute for her…"

Just saying it out loud felt like guilt was tearing my chest open. Looking back now, the two of them were similar in some ways. The way they thought so little of themselves while still caring about others. The way they told me I was a good person. Even the way their bright smiles were so nice to look at…

Maybe I'd just been making excuses. That I couldn't leave her alone? That I wanted to help her, look up to her, push her forward… all nonsense. Maybe I just needed a tool to fill the space Saebom had left behind. Someone who uses other people as tools to fill their own loneliness. Is there anyone worse than that in the entire world?

Guilt pressed down heavy on my back.

"I'm sorry."

No answer came from Seol-hwa. I couldn't even bring myself to lift my head and look at her face. Would she get angry? Or would she be sad, realizing she'd been treated this way — that she really was "that kind of girl"? Would she leave me the way the other one had?

Just thinking about it made everything piled up inside me feel like it was about to burst out of my mouth.

"…You're right. You should be sorry."

Hearing that, all I could do was squeeze my eyes shut. Then I felt my head being lifted, and something slammed hard into my forehead.

"Ugh… that hurt me more."

I rubbed my stinging forehead after the sudden headbutt. Seol-hwa, who seemed to have gotten the same treatment — tears pricking at the corners of her eyes — finally opened her mouth.

"…Idiot."

I was an idiot, so I had nothing to say. I deserved worse. This was practically gentle.

"You know… I was happy. I was so happy. When you helped me that rainy day. When you told me it was okay to be friends. When you let me into your home. When you recognized the things I'd worked for… and every single moment beyond that. It felt like I was dreaming. It was truly, truly precious time."

"If anything… if my existence could be of any help to you, Yu-seong… nothing would make me happier. At least, that's how I feel."

I couldn't find any words. Seol-hwa smiled at me — a smile that somehow felt lonely.

"Was it different for you?"

Of course not.

I tried to say it, but the words wouldn't come. I treasured her. The person who had set right the version of myself I'd given up on. The person who told a guy like me that I was a good person. The one who said she didn't want anyone but me. Yun Seol-hwa — the person who made me want to stay by her side. I treasured her.

But. I also couldn't swear that somewhere underneath, there wasn't even a little bit of the thought that I was using her for my own sake.

"I need to be scolded, but so do ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠you."

So she is angry after all.

I braced myself for a hit and squeezed my eyes shut. But what I felt was warmth, like sitting in front of a fireplace. Sensing something strange, I carefully opened my eyes — and found Seol-hwa wrapped around me.

"You…"

I tried to pull her off. But somehow she had the strength to not budge at all.

No.

This is… me…

"Eun-ha said something. That I… and you, too. We always only think the worst about ourselves."

I remembered hearing something similar. On the school rooftop. Something Eun-ha had told me.

"I… was in so much pain. It felt like I was alone in the world. Like no one would ever acknowledge someone like me. Like no one would ever call me a friend. That… terrified me so much."

I could feel the arms around my waist trembling.

"And you always stopped that, Yu-seong. You told me it was okay as I was. That I was more than enough… that I'd done well."

But at the same time, the arms holding me tighter seemed to be saying something else.

Don't go.

Was that just my imagination?

"That alone made me so happy. Watching you tell me it was okay… it made me feel like things really would be okay. To me, Han Yu-seong is already… even accounting for all of that… precious enough that it more than balances out. You're a precious person to me…"

"…Are you really okay with that?"

I asked even though I already knew what the answer would be. Not to lighten the weight on my heart. It was preparation. A confirmation, so I could say what I was thinking right now.

"I'm okay."

I knew this was something I shouldn't say in a moment like this. There were probably hundreds… thousands of better atmospheres, better words, better ways to make her happy. But it wasn't my body — it was my heart. This overflowing, aching heart that was screaming it couldn't hold back any longer.

I had given up on myself. But then I met you, who never gave up, and I wanted to change. Even someone like me is fine. It'll be okay. If you look at me, if you stay by my side… I can move in a better direction.

The tenderness right in front of me was giving me that certainty.

I pulled Seol-hwa's small body into my arms with everything I had. Carefully, so it wouldn't hurt — but firmly enough that she would know, without any doubt, how precious she was to me. Pouring in gratitude and everything else I had.

That we didn't match. That I didn't know what she'd think. That there might be someone better for her. My brain, which used to complicate all those things, had long since stopped working.

A single sentence that, once spoken, could never be taken back. The words that had been about to burst out of my head and into the open — I put them in my mouth.

Even if I can never be the main character of my own life, that's fine. But at least in yours — I want to try being the main character. That thought alone, that feeling for the lovely person in front of me, was the only thing thrashing around in my head.

A brief silence. Then Seol-hwa's soft pink lips parted, moving as she spoke.

"I really am… an incredible idiot, aren't I."

"…About what?"

Our eyes met perfectly.

"How many times… how many times did I tell myself it couldn't be true. That I was the only one who felt this way… that I shouldn't get the wrong idea."

Seol-hwa's clear, transparent eyes — ruby-red — reflected only me. Steady. Straight on. Looking only at me.

"Just thinking about it makes me so happy I could die… and here I was, pretending to be strong."

Hearing that, I carefully leaned in to bring my lips to hers. Pathetically, I hesitated for just a second — and Seol-hwa suddenly pulled me in and kissed me herself.

"I like you too. I like you, Yu-seong… the most in the world."

Seol-hwa said that as she pulled away. Looking at her flushed cheeks, at a face that felt more tender than anything else, I opened my mouth again.

"…Can I do it properly this time? From my side."

"Mm."

This time, without hesitation, we properly pressed our lips together. And at the same time, with everything I had, I carved it into every corner of myself. Her slender waist. Her soft hair. The ears flushed pink with shyness. The warmth of her skin… everything I could feel, I burned deep into the existence that was me.

Yun Seol-hwa. The person I had decided to treasure for the rest of my life. The one I had decided I would never, ever let go of. So that I could always recall her. So that I would never forget again.

I think I read somewhere that a first kiss tastes like lemon. But what I tasted was the salt of tears.

And above all else — the sweetness of something beloved.