I Remembered
"…Hey, is it really okay for us to go?"
"It's fine. She wouldn't have called if it weren't."
The place we were heading while trading those words was, unsurprisingly, my house. Not the place the two of us always shared — the family home, where my parents still lived in plain sight.
It had all started with a phone call out of nowhere a few days ago. If I didn't bring Seol-hwa myself, she would come fetch us — and drag my father along for good measure. I hadn't had much choice.
…Even now, I felt no desire whatsoever to face that man. Ever since I'd left home, I hadn't so much as set foot near the place. I'd lived turning away from his face, his voice, everything about him.
(I told you. Just study.)
…How was I supposed to look him in the eye?
Something rose hot in my chest — and the warmth in my hand held it down. When I turned, Seol-hwa was there, cradling my hand in both of hers, watching me with quiet worry.
"It's okay. It'll be okay."
Hearing that, I thought about it. In the beginning, it had only been pity. But now?
This fool who smiled and told other people it was fine when she herself was anything but… this presence I could no longer tear myself away from.
Just how much comfort was I taking from her?
Running forever was impossible. I knew that. I had always known. And still I had run — telling myself I was better off alone, burrowing deeper into solitude.
"…Thank you."
I had sworn I would change. So I would face it, little by little. As long as someone who told me it was okay stayed by my side, I would be all right.
"…Ugh, I'm exhausted."
"It's a long way. Can't be helped."
I gave Seol-hwa's drooping back a light pat. When I'd left home, I'd been dead set on putting as much distance between myself and that house as possible. Even by bus and train, it was a half-day journey — and we'd left first thing in the morning. Of course she was wiped out.
I glanced around for a pharmacy, thinking I might grab her an energy drink — and far down the street, a painfully familiar figure came running straight toward us.
"Oh my, you poor things, coming all this way! Seol-hwa, you've been well?"
"Huh? Ah… yes! Thanks to you."
"You didn't have to come all the way out to meet us."
"Oh, please — for Seol-hwa, what wouldn't I do? Besides, things are quiet on Mom's end with the holiday season. It's fine~"
Mom answered like that and pulled Seol-hwa into a tight hug, rubbing her cheek against hers. The affection was a little over the top, but Seol-hwa seemed to be handling it reasonably well.
…Had Eun-ha been training her for this?
"…Where's Dad?"
"Still busy, apparently. Said he'd be back around dinner."
"…Right."
I caught myself feeling relieved. Facing him now wouldn't have gone well anyway…
…Listen to you, making excuses.
I felt pathetic — clinging to nothing but pride. I had failed, and every word that man had said had been right. I simply didn't want to admit it—
"Oh, that reminds me — how far did you two go?"
Before I could sink any deeper into my own head, that completely unhinged question yanked me back to reality.
"W-what?!"
"…Excuse me. What kind of question is that to ask a couple of students?"
The shameless adult just laughed it off. "Oh, come on, no harm done! You're at that age, aren't you?" I couldn't help the sigh that slipped out.
"Nothing hap—"
I meant to say nothing had happened. The words wouldn't come.
Honestly…
(If it isn't Yu-seong… I don't want to.)
Calling it "nothing" left a feeling I couldn't quite put into words.
"…That's private."
I knew I was digging my own grave, and I said it anyway.
"Aha, I seeee~ If it's private, then there's nothing I can do!"
Just as expected, Mom grinned from ear to ear and made a whole production of it. That she managed to look so thoroughly smug even as my own mother was, no doubt, entirely my fault for being such a brat.
…I'd completely forgotten — Mom worked as a designer.
The moment we got home, before I could even catch my breath, she came bustling over with her eyes sparkling far too brightly, hauled out an enormous trunk, and dumped a mountain of clothes everywhere—
"Kyaa~ A good hanger really does make everything look amazing! Try this one on too!"
…And that was how we ended up here.
"You can say no if you don't want to. I'll throw her out for you."
"Honestly, this child. Talking about your own mother like you're chasing off some stray dog from the neighborhood!"
"…I-it's fine. She's going to all this trouble for me."
"See?! So different from my prickly little boy~ Why don't you just become our daughter already?"
"Uh… w-what?!"
"You've gone too far."
I reined in Mom's usual runaway enthusiasm and sank onto the sofa, watching the two of them.
When Seol-hwa had first come to our place, she barely had any luggage at all — clothes least of all. A couple of outfits and her school uniform, as I recalled. When I'd asked if that was really enough, she'd answered in a way that said, There's no point in someone like me dressing up.
But now…
Yeah. She's a girl after all, isn't she.
She looked worn out from being spun every which way by Mom, and still, every so often, Seol-hwa let a genuinely happy smile slip through. Eun-ha had been fussing over her too, going on about how you couldn't just leave a girl that cute alone. I didn't care much about this kind of thing myself, so all I could do was be honestly grateful for hands like theirs.
Not that there was anything for me to do. I was content to sit and watch — until Seol-hwa came over holding two pieces of clothing.
"What's up?"
"W-well… Yu-seong, which one do you think… would suit me better?"
In one hand was a navy knit sweater that looked like it would be nice and warm; in the other, a bright blue blouse with a completely different feel.
"Either one would look fine on you, I think?"
Honestly, I figured Seol-hwa could pull off either without breaking a sweat. The sweater had a cozy quality that suited her vibe and would keep her warm; the blouse might be a little cool for outdoors, but the fresh look of it was appealing in its own way.
Seol-hwa kept glancing at me, then opened her mouth with something like dissatisfaction. "That's not what I meant…"
"I-I want to know which one you like… Is that too much to ask?"
She ducked her head the moment the words left her mouth, clearly embarrassed by her own request — and for a second I couldn't find anything to say. Watching the girl I liked try this hard to match my taste did something sharp and fluttering in my chest.
"…Then, this one."
I picked up the blouse — and met the eyes of someone watching us from the side with pure, unfiltered delight.
…She's going to tease me about this forever.
Not that there was anything I could do about it. Resigned, I held the blouse out to Seol-hwa. "Here. Please."
"Th-then I'll go try it on right away!"
Looking genuinely pleased, Seol-hwa hurried off toward the room to change — and Mom immediately leaned in.
"Why don't you two just start dating already?"
Normally I would have shut that kind of nonsense down on the spot. Same as before, I couldn't quite manage it.
"…I'm working on it."
Mom took one look at me mumbling in a voice that barely crawled out of my throat and cackled. "See? Nothing changes a person like love!" I quietly exhaled.
"I'm done… huh? Where's Seo-jin?"
"Something came up at work, apparently."
I didn't bother mentioning the parting shot she'd left us with — something along the lines of, "A grown adult shouldn't get in the way~ You two enjoy some time alone!"
"Um… is it okay?"
Maybe it was losing the adult she'd been leaning on, or maybe she was simply shy. Seol-hwa's movements had gone stiff and hesitant compared to before as she asked carefully. I nodded like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"It looks great on you."
They say clothes make the person, but in this case I wasn't sure that quite covered it. The fine blue fabric looked cool and fresh and somehow elegant all at once. Seol-hwa carried herself so demurely that I'd thought a clean, refined look like this would suit her — and it fit perfectly.
When I said as much out loud, she murmured, "…I'm glad," and gave me a shy little smile. Seeing that set my heart racing all over again.
"…You didn't even ask me twice. That's unusual."
Normally in situations like this she'd press me with a "Really?" — so when she simply looked happy, I had to wonder aloud. Seol-hwa answered as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"It's something Yu-seong said. Of course I can believe it."
That shut me up again.
I stepped closer and carefully stroked her hair. Come to think of it, it had been a little while since I'd done this. Instead of the usual broom-bristle roughness, it felt soft — like running my hand over fine cloth. I was quietly surprised. The work of those two meddlers, no doubt. They were a pain more often than not, but between the clothes and moments like this, I was genuinely glad for them. I didn't want to picture a girl who could look this cute wearing those hollow eyes and tearing herself down.
"Anyway… we've unpacked everything. What should we do now?"
"…Beats me."
We'd made it home, but nothing particular came to mind. Wander around outside aimlessly, hole up in a room and play games…
Before, I used to—
"H-hey."
Seol-hwa caught my sleeve just as my mind started drifting somewhere else, and managed to pull me back.
"What's that?"
"…A game console?"
She was pointing at the shelf under the TV. Behind the glass sat a console meant to hook up to the set. I'd thought I'd taken everything with me when I left — apparently I'd forgotten one. More accurately, it was an old model I'd decided I didn't need and left behind. Mom must have kept it instead of throwing it out.
…Come to think of it, sometimes when I used to game in the living room, I'd felt eyes on me.
"Want to try? It's old, so I don't know how fun it'll be."
"Uh…? I-if that's okay."
Everything was already hooked up; all I had to do was hit the power. I'd been half-worried it wouldn't even turn on, but the familiar startup sound and the screen lighting up let me breathe easy.
"Which one do you want to play?"
"Even if you ask me that… I don't know any of them. Could you pick one for me?"
So I had no choice but to fire up something reasonable. A very famous one — the one where a certain plumber rescues a princess.
…But Seol-hwa, who had no connection to that sort of thing, clearly didn't recognize it even after hearing the name. The shock of it — or maybe the sadness — settled over me. She was my age, and she'd never even gotten to enjoy something this small.
Anyway, the controls were simple enough. Someone playing for the first time should manage fine.
"These buttons on the right move you, and this one on the left is jump. Got it?"
"Y-yeah."
…Or so I'd thought, once upon a time.
"You okay?"
"…Probably."
Half an hour in, and she still hadn't cleared the very first stage. The game itself was straightforward, so there wasn't much advice to give — she just hadn't gotten used to it yet. When she asked me to show her once, I took the controller and cleared the stage cleanly. Seol-hwa's eyes lit up.
"That's amazing…"
"You've never played a game before at all. Once you get used to it, this much is nothing."
"I-I'll try hard."
I watched carefully as she took the controller back — and found the problem.
"Relax a little. Your hands are shaking so much you keep messing up."
Without thinking, I laid my hands over hers on the controller — and Seol-hwa yelped, "Kyaa?!" as her whole body jerked. I barely caught her before she toppled over backward, and let out a breath of relief.
"…You all right?"
"S-sorry…"
"No — I should be the one apologizing. That was careless of me."
Having your hands grabbed out of nowhere might not be something she hated, exactly, but of course it would startle her. I bowed my head straight down, and Seol-hwa waved her hands frantically, insisting I didn't need to.
"Th-there's nothing to be sorry for! It's fine!"
"Well, if you say so…"
"I'll do my best, so if I make any mistakes, tell me right away."
…You said that, and then immediately made one.
Because the Seol-hwa who'd just spoken carefully scooted over and plopped herself down between my legs as I sat cross-legged on the floor.
"Uh, Yun Seol-hwa…?"
"Th-this way it'd be easier to tell me right away… wouldn't it?"
She'd nearly jumped out of her skin from a touch of the hands, and this was fine…?
Either way, we were far too close. Practically embracing. The slightest shift and our bodies would touch. I couldn't see her face, but her ears were unmistakably red… I told her she didn't have to push herself, but she insisted this was better, so there was nothing I could do. Whether she was actually okay or not, she'd said she was — so all I had to do was endure it myself, right?
But then I noticed a nice scent, realized it was Seol-hwa's shampoo, and after that the drumming in my chest showed absolutely no sign of stopping.
…Does she really not see me as a guy?
The thought slipped in between heartbeats. We even lived together. She might think of me as someone she owed — but if I told her I liked her, she might honestly just feel cornered. And even if she said she liked me back, would that be how she really felt? She was the type who couldn't refuse anyone, after all.
If we ended up in that kind of relationship just because I'd leaned on her kindness, I'd rather decline on my end. I resolved to work at it — so that calling myself "a good person" for her sake wouldn't turn into a lie.
But the fact that thoughts like these kept creeping in no matter what…
…No. Get a grip.
I just had to try that much harder. Thinking the worst had no bottom. I steeled myself and decided to focus entirely on supporting her game. I couldn't let her down, after all.
"With stuff like this, you have to stay as calm as you can. Not just dodging or running blindly — read the movement and respond to it."
Some of them had fixed patterns. Memorizing everything would be tough, but if you stayed calm, there was always a way through.
…If she asked me how anyone was supposed to stay calm in this situation, that would be its own unsolvable problem.
I wasn't sure how much time passed like that.
"I-I finished it…"
The familiar clear screen lit up, and Seol-hwa went limp on the floor, completely spent.
"Good work. You made it all the way."
The start had been rocky, but after that it had gone smoother than expected. Once the tension started to ease, Seol-hwa picked things up surprisingly fast — same as with swimming. Give her one piece of advice and she put it into practice right away. Once I'd filled her in on the stage gimmicks and enemy patterns, she kept pace well enough that we hit the clear screen in about an hour.
Even if, for her, it clearly hadn't been easy.
"I-it's just a game, though…"
"You put in the effort and you did it, didn't you? I was watching the whole time."
There'd been what people called a brutal stretch, the kind that made you want to throw the controller — and Seol-hwa had barreled through it without flinching. This was her first game clear, earned at the end of all that. Honestly, game or not, I figured praise was something she could never get enough of.
I stroked her hair lightly, feeling quietly proud, and Seol-hwa broke into a bright little smile.
"First-place prize — is there anything you want? Something you'd like to get?"
"H-huh? Th-that's too much…"
"Really? If you don't need it, I'm canceling."
I said it half-joking, and Seol-hwa's mouth worked soundlessly around something. Too quiet to catch.
When I asked her to repeat it, she squeezed her eyes shut and nearly shouted the answer.
"…A-a lap pillow!"
…
I was the one who'd offered a prize; I could hardly turn around and refuse. So I ended up laying a Seol-hwa stiff as a wooden doll across my lap.
But…
"This feels a little… off, composition-wise."
"D-does it?"
…I couldn't help thinking it was usually the other way around. It was absolutely not because I wanted one myself.
"…So whose idea was this — Mom's, or Eun-ha's?"
"W-why would you assume that?"
"There's no way you'd know about something like this on your own, and the only people who'd put you up to it are those two menaces."
For the record, the second I named them, Seol-hwa flinched — her reactions were so easy to read I was freshly reminded she had zero talent for lying. Oblivious to that assessment, she mumbled, "Menaces… they'd be hurt if they heard that." I answered evenly, "To me, they more than qualify, so I don't care." Those two. If a comment like that were enough to hurt their feelings, they never would have said any of this in the first place.
"Well, if you like it, I don't really mind either way."
At that, Seol-hwa suddenly buried her face against my leg.
"…Did I say something wrong?"
"…That's mean."
"Look, I'm sorry, but I genuinely don't know which part I messed up, so…"
This was why a girl's heart was a mystery even when you thought you understood it. I said as much, sounding helpless — and Seol-hwa slipped quickly off my lap, sat down beside me, and patted her own knees.
"Opposite."
"Huh?"
"Anyway, you do it too, Yu-seong!"
Just like that the positions flipped, and I couldn't quite refuse. I found myself lying back across Seol-hwa's lap.
"…A-are you okay? You're not uncomfortable?"
"Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to…"
We were pressed together far more closely than during the game. When I'd been the one giving, I'd managed to keep my composure somehow — but this was a different story entirely. My body was perfectly comfortable. My heart was anything but. Her warmth, the faint pleasant scent drifting over me… any number of hazards were landing critical hits on what little resistance I had left, without mercy.
"…You shouldn't do this with just anyone, you know?"
I let it slip without thinking, and Seol-hwa answered with perfect logic — "That goes for you too, Yu-seong" — leaving me with nothing to say.
So this was what floating on a cloud felt like.
I was savoring the feeling in silence when Seol-hwa carefully reached out, stroked my hair, and spoke.
"It was hard, wasn't it?"
Hearing that, my thoughts simply stopped.
"You tried so hard too, Yu-seong."
As the next words reached me, I felt the corners of my eyes grow wet. Beads of liquid fell, one after another, and traced paths across Seol-hwa's skin.
I had heard words like these before.
And in the same breath, I understood. Or rather — remembered. That was the better word.
The reason for the headaches that had always found me whenever I looked at her. The true shape of that lingering sense of wrongness.
The one I had forgotten. The one I had sworn never to remember again.
"…Seol-hwa."
To a Seol-hwa still startled by my sudden reaction, I carefully opened my mouth.
"Just for a bit… will you walk with me?"