Practice
Practice.
"Th-this is the place… right?"
My arms trembled like leaves in a storm. No matter how much encouragement I'd gotten, the tension refused to leave me — a pathetic sight, really — so I let out yet another deep breath, one of countless I'd already taken.
The whole thing had started simply enough.
…That text was the culprit.
When I called her briefly, Taeyang explained she was still buried under academy classes and studying even during break, and after hanging out yesterday she simply had no room left to help. Going over to a friend's house was something I'd always longed for, so I said yes — but I was scared. The nerves were inevitable.
I'd hoped Yuseong might come with me, but he turned me down with a flat, "No point sticking myself into a girls' hangout." He added that once we got closer I'd be dropping by all the time anyway, so I might as well get used to it.
"Still, how am I supposed to stop being nervous…"
I choked back another sigh and shook my head hard.
"No. Pull yourself together… It's fine."
I steeled myself and was just about to press the doorbell when the door suddenly flew open.
"Alright, let's go, you lot! …Huh? Who's this?"
"H-h-hello…"
It was a miracle my legs didn't give out and drop me right there. On the way over I'd practiced greetings a dozen times and run through every possible scenario in my head.
"Dad, calm down already~! Oh, Seolhwa, you're here!"
But no amount of preparation could have prepared me for a baseball bat being thrust into my face out of nowhere. All I managed was a limp little wave and a strained "I'm here…" toward Eunha, who was cheerfully waving back.
"Sorry~ Our dad's a bit of a handful! I told him you were coming, but he must've forgotten already and was about to take the kids out to play."
"Ahaha, just a little memory lapse, that's all."
"Just apologize properly, honey. Sorry about that — our house is always a bit chaotic. Do you like fruit?"
"Y-yes… Thank you, I'll have some."
I accepted a neatly sliced apple and was chewing on it when Mini came barreling out of a room with a cry of "Unnie—!" and threw herself into my arms.
"I missed you!"
"R-really?"
I patted Mini as she nuzzled into me, and one after another the rest of the kids came tumbling out.
"Is this the person Unnie was talking about before?"
"She's so small." "Hey, she's cute."
"Wow, so what you said before was real."
"Of course! You think I'd lie for no reason? Starting from the oldest — Taemin and Taein, Jiwu and Jiyeon. Then Mini, and the one Mom's holding is Jin! Cute, right?"
"Uh…? Ah, yeah. They're all cute."
When I spent time with Yuseong we weren't exactly the talkative type, so this kind of atmosphere felt completely new. Watching them laugh together, chatter happily, tease one another…
I was envious — but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud.
"Alriiight! Weather's perfect — today's the day we go for a home run!"
"I'm in~!"
"Um, sorry to throw cold water on things, but… the homework…"
"…Ah."
"…You didn't call me over and then forget, did you?"
"N-no way! Let's knock it out fast and then play all we want. Move out!"
Pushed along into Eunha's room, I flipped through her books and…
"…Just as I expected."
I'd had a bad feeling, but staring at those completely blank notebooks, a sigh slipped out before I could stop it.
"Whoa, Seolhwa's making a face I've never seen before."
"If you'd just done a little at a time, it would've been fine."
"Ugh, you sound exactly like Taeyang…!"
"Let's take it slow. I'll help."
"Yay! Friends really are the best, no matter what!"
Even Eunha quieted down once she picked up a pen. The only sound filling the room was the soft scratch of writing.
"Ugh. I'm wiped. Break time!"
"Okay. Pushing too hard isn't good either."
"…Says the girl who still looks completely fresh. Amazing."
"I'm just helping, aren't I? This is way more relaxed than what I usually do."
Maybe it was habit — all those frantic hours of studying at home just to keep my grades up. I didn't really have hobbies, so books rarely left my hands anyway.
…Though at home, no one ever even glanced my way.
When I said that, Eunha muttered, "You really are just like Taeyang, Seolhwa…" and flopped flat onto the floor.
"It's not that extreme…"
"You check the whole-school rankings. I can barely hang on to my class rank."
"I'm just not that smart, so I have to spend that much time just to get this far… If I get sick even once I fall behind, so I have to stay ahead."
"Which means~ even though it was that hard, you still worked enough to get there. That's impressive, you know?"
"Th-that would make it… would it?"
"It would! Top of the school isn't decided by a game of slapjack. You deserve the praise. Plenty of it."
Suddenly I remembered that day. The first time in ages I'd tried cooking, and Yuseong had said it was delicious like it was the most natural thing in the world.
If I do this, will they be happy this time?
Just once… will someone tell me I did well?
I'd tried so many things with that hope. Studying, cooking, cleaning… all of it. But at home, in the end, I was only ever told to stop wasting time and pushed aside.
I was scared. Even knowing Yuseong would never do that, some part of me still flinched first, terrified of what might go wrong. But that was exactly why it made me so happy. When he recognized the effort, when he stroked my hair and said it tasted good…
That's the treatment you deserve. Get used to it already.
That single sentence — something that might be ordinary to anyone else — was how I learned just how joyful it could be to be acknowledged.
"Ah, Seolhwa. You're thinking about Yuseong, aren't you?"
The bullseye hit so cleanly I nearly sprayed the cold water I was drinking. Coughing, I got a few firm pats on the back from Eunha, who was watching me with pure satisfaction.
"H-how did you know?"
"How else? There's only one person who can put that look on your face~"
"What kind of face even is that…"
I was still catching my breath and grumbling when Eunha let out a little snicker.
"Hey, Seolhwa. Do you like Yuseong?"
"Of course I do."
"…Huh?"
Why ask something so obvious? The person who reached out a hand to me on that rainy night when I'd given up on everything. The person who told me I'd done well carrying a past no one else had ever looked at. Liking him was the most natural thing in the world.
"Ah… so that's it. Wrong question. Ahem — let me rephrase~ Seolhwa, do you love Yuseong?"
"…Huh?"
The sudden word short-circuited my brain. I couldn't say a thing, and only then did Eunha burst out laughing. "There it is, there it is~ You were so calm earlier I was the one who got surprised!"
"L-love…"
I'd never even thought about it. What presumptuous nonsense. Toward the person who had saved my life and even let me live in his home. Feeling something like that would be beyond my place entirely.
And yet… for some reason, the word "no" simply would not leave my mouth.
"Yuseong was pretty well-known, you know? Not in a good way."
Eunha propped her chin on her hand, watching my frozen expression with pure amusement.
"…He said so himself."
There had even been a time he'd suggested we call off being friends because of the rumors.
"We're in the same class, so I know better than most. He doesn't bully people or anything, but he barely shows up to school, shuts anyone down who tries to talk to him, and that time he just walked out of class mid-lesson because he was bored is a pretty famous story."
"…Hearing it like that, it does sound extreme."
Eunha opened her mouth again. "But you know."
"He doesn't do that anymore. I wonder whose fault that is?"
"W-well…"
"Be honest with me. How do you feel about Yuseong?"
"How I feel… When I'm with him I feel safe, and when we're apart I get this lonely feeling…"
Before I could finish, Eunha went "Eii" and bonked me lightly on the head with a solid little thok.
"Yeah. That. That's what love is."
At those words, I couldn't say anything at all.
"A little late…"
The clock said it was just past nine. Finishing the rest of the homework had taken longer than expected.
"I'm home…"
Had he eaten dinner? Knowing Yuseong and how much he hated the bother of it, he might have skipped it entirely. I opened the door carefully and called out, but there was no answer — and no sign of him either.
I wondered if he'd gone out, but the light was on in the living room. When I stepped inside, I found Yuseong sound asleep on the sofa.
"You'll catch a cold sleeping out here…"
I reached out to shake him awake — then the afternoon's conversation flooded back, and my arm froze mid-motion.
What even was love? I'd never thought about it. A girl who until recently didn't even have friends, talking about a boyfriend?
But someday it would come. If things stayed like this — if he was only my savior — there would come a day we had to part ways. A day I'd be alone again.
"…I don't want that."
Just thinking about it made my chest tighten with a pain I couldn't name. I was greedy. Not long ago, just being acknowledged, just having a single friend, would have been enough. Now even that wasn't enough anymore.
I hated being alone. I hated the loneliness, hated eating cold instant food alone in that cramped, shabby house. More than anything I hated the cold reality that never recognized how hard I tried, no matter how hard I pushed.
But above all else…
If I mess up, if I do something wrong, he might throw me away.
I'll end up alone.
Even while we were together, I kept thinking those things — and I hated that version of myself most of all.
I'll treasure you so carefully you won't have to think like that.
My body flushed hot even though nothing hurt. Was this how I wanted to feel about the person who so casually gave me everything I'd ever longed for? The person who asked me to stay, when no one else had ever needed me…
"But… is someone like me even okay?"
The words slipped out before I knew it — a question aimed at myself. Always getting sick, drowning in self-loathing, nothing special about me… Surely there was someone better suited to him than a girl like this.
I was scared. If I carelessly handed over this feeling I barely understood myself, and it shattered in the worst possible way…
"That… I really don't want."
Just imagining it… no, I didn't even want to imagine it.
I thought of Eunha's words. And then, carefully, I opened my mouth.
"Yuseong."
Confirming he didn't wake at the sound of his name, I finally put the thing I'd decided into words.
"…I like you."
At least this feeling. Even if it hurt, even if it tormented me — I wouldn't deny it. Pain was familiar. So a little more would be fine. I'd already received so much. Recognition, affection… so many things. He'd said I could lean on him, so I would. And if I wasn't suited to him, then I'd change until I was.
"…Right. That wasn't the word."
So this was it. Practice. Something I would have to do someday. The first step toward telling him how I felt.
I brought my lips to the cheek of the sleeping Yuseong. My heart began to pound wildly.
People say that once you've done something, you start trying to see it in a better light. I was still scared. What if he got angry when he found out? That thought crossed my mind too. But if he didn't… if he was thinking the same thing I was thinking right now… how enormous would that joy be for me?
That hope, this feeling overflowing inside me… I carefully put it into words.
"…I love you."
For the first time. A feeling I had chosen for myself. I would treasure it. So that this most precious feeling of all would never fade.
I vowed silently that I would become someone Yuseong could love.