If You Don't Speak
Where there is an action, a reaction is bound to follow.
Once some time had passed and my head cooled, I supposed you could say my reason had returned.
After all those embarrassingly earnest words, the confession, and then diving straight into a first kiss on top of it all…
Honestly, I was mortified.
Inside me, the frustration, the anguish, the loneliness from before still lingered — a tangled skein of thread that hadn't fully come undone.
But there was someone walking beside me.
That single fact alone made something in my chest stir and lift.
Preciousness. Tenderness. The sheer loveliness of her… With just those things, I could look ahead — at least for now.
…Or so I had thought.
"I'm… home."
Swept up in emotion, I had forgotten the obvious.
That by the time we got back to the house, he would be there too.
"…Dad."
"Ah. It's been a while."
Was it just my imagination that my breath felt as heavy as lead?
It had been more than two years since I'd last seen his face. We hadn't even exchanged the simplest of check-in calls.
(I told you, just focus on your studies.)
The memory surfaced unbidden — the way he'd spoken back then, as if he'd never once expected anything of my dreams.
I was about to clench my fist in silence when Seol-hwa lightly took my hand behind her back.
Only then could I pull myself together again.
Hadn't I sworn I would change?
Not to be the one pushing Seol-hwa forward from behind, but to become someone who walked at his lover's side.
And the greatest barrier standing in the way of that was, inevitably, this man.
The person I'd tried so hard to earn recognition from, only to fail completely.
The person who, even now, made simply facing him feel unbearable…
"I…"
But running away again wouldn't change a thing.
I parted my lips to speak, only for my father — setting down the book he'd been reading — to get there first.
"The girl beside you. Is that Seol-hwa?"
"Uh… y-yes! I'm Yun Seol-hwa. It's nice to meet… you."
She clearly hadn't expected the arrow to swing her way so suddenly. Seol-hwa looked more than a little flustered, but she quickly bowed at the waist and offered her greeting.
Father regarded us in silence for a moment, then spoke again.
"Could I have a word with you for a moment?"
Not with me — with Seol-hwa.
I could only stand there, bewildered, watching the two of them disappear into a room. Then Mother came over with a "Well then, shall we have a little chat ourselves?" and I had no choice but to nod.
Even as I accepted the coffee cup she handed me, I couldn't help glancing again and again toward the room where the two of them were. That much was only natural.
Mother watched me with a bright little smile and said, "Keep that up and your eyes'll go fish-dead," but a nameless unease refused to leave me.
"Don't worry so much."
"Even if you say that…"
"He's thought about a great many things, you know. This and that."
"Thought…?"
I echoed the word, but Mother had no intention of elaborating. She only smiled and said, "You'll understand later."
"Things going well with Seol-hwa?"
"…Cough!"
Mother lobbed that bombshell so casually that I nearly sprayed the coffee I'd been sipping all over the table.
As I hacked and sputtered, that thoroughly mischievous woman just watched me like she was having the time of her life.
"Well, you see…"
I sighed inwardly, fumbled for the words, and tried again.
"…We've decided to go out."
I couldn't hide it. And I didn't want to.
I'd steeled myself for whatever teasing was coming — but her reaction was surprisingly quiet.
I turned to look at her again.
And there was Mother, wearing not her usual wicked grin but a smile that looked genuinely warm, saying simply, "I'm glad."
"You seem lighter than before… Yes. That puts my mind at ease."
"…I'm sorry."
When she put it like that, all I could do was bow my head. After all, I'd left home, barely kept in touch, and put her through no end of worry.
But Mother waved it off as if it were nothing. "What matters is doing better from here on out, right? The two of you." And I answered, "That's the plan."
"You've changed a lot, Yu-seong."
"I still don't really know about that…"
I didn't think I'd changed enough to warrant hearing it said out loud.
I was still in the middle of changing — or so I believed.
"So then, when can I expect a grandchild?"
"We're still minors, you know."
"'Still,' is it~? I'll be waiting!"
If only there were some way to rein her in on this particular subject.
I was sighing over that very thought when the door opened and Father and Seol-hwa came out.
"Let's have a talk for a moment."
And so Seol-hwa and I sat side by side on the floor while our parents faced us across the way.
…Still feels awkward.
With Mother it was at least manageable.
She'd dropped by unannounced, looked after me, forced conversations into being whether I liked it or not.
But this was different.
If even meeting his eyes felt this hard, it was surely because I was the one who was lacking.
"I'm sorry."
My head had been about to drop of its own accord when Father's sudden words stopped it cold.
"…What?"
"I didn't want you to get hurt. Dreams like that may look fine from the outside, but the road is full of thorns.
I wanted you to live an ordinary, safe life. But in wanting that, I never once considered what was in your heart."
He said it, and then said it again — "I'm sorry" — and bowed his head.
"No matter what anyone says, you are my precious son."
So this was what people meant when they said their mind went blank.
Everything I'd meant to say, every negative thought — all of it was swept clean away, and I had no idea what words were supposed to come next.
A hot sensation touched my cheek.
When I came back to myself because of it, I realized I was already crying.
I had believed I wasn't a son to that man. To my father.
My dreams had been dismissed as worthless, and all I'd wanted was to be recognized.
To hear him say I'd done well. That I was his son after all…
And now that I was finally hearing it, what was I supposed to say?
"I'm the one who should apologize…"
What came out was an apology.
To the father who had called a fool like me — the one who'd caused so much worry, who'd gone off on his own reckless path — his son. An apology carrying all the gratitude of everything until now.
Hearing my words, thick with stifled sobs, Father simply said, "Alright," and the corner of his mouth lifted, just slightly.
"Welcome home."
That was the first time I ever truly recognized it — my father's smile.
The evening that had felt so endless finally passed, and it was about time for bed. I headed to my room.
And what should greet my eyes but Seol-hwa, sitting demurely on top of the bed.
"…So. What's this about?"
"S-Seo-jin said the other rooms are all being cleaned, so I should use this one…"
"That woman, I swear…"
This was exactly why people called her a menace. With a silent curse and a heavy sigh, I flopped down beside Seol-hwa.
"I don't mind."
"…W-what?!"
"…We're a couple, aren't we? Sharing a bed is allowed."
Saying it myself made me feel like I might burst from sheer embarrassment — but I was the guy here. Leading on things like this was the right thing to do.
That said, I had no intention of letting things escalate into anything rated for mature audiences only.
We weren't old enough for that yet, and I had no desire to get swept up in the heat of the moment only to regret it later.
"E-excuse me…"
Seol-hwa, flustered but apparently accepting what I'd said, ducked her flushed face and carefully lay down beside me.
"It's warm…"
"We haven't even turned the heat on yet."
I tossed the joke her way, and Seol-hwa caught it with a soft "You're right" and a faint smile.
"That's not what I meant… I've never slept next to someone before."
"Yeah, I guess that tracks."
Even at home she'd had her own room, and as for Seol-hwa before she'd come to us — there was no need to even say it.
"When I'm with you, Yu-seong, it's nothing but firsts… and that makes me happy."
"If that's how you see it, then I'm happy too."
We were close. Very close.
I only had to stretch my arm a little to reach her hair. When I stroked it lightly, Seol-hwa made a face like a cat basking in the sun — pure contentment.
We stayed like that in silence for a while before I carefully opened my mouth.
"…What did you and my dad talk about?"
"Nothing much. I was really nervous at first about what he might say… Want to know what he asked?"
"…I don't know."
"He started with, 'Is Yu-seong doing well?' Just checking in on you."
I felt the heat rising behind my eyes again.
Seeing that, Seol-hwa lifted my hand from her hair and set her own palm on top of my head, stroking gently.
Sharing this pleasant feeling has become part of our everyday somehow… The thought drifted through me.
"He said he'd thought about it a lot. Why things turned out the way they did. How it all ended up like this…
He wanted his only child to grow up right, he said. So he wanted to raise you strictly. And so I… I know it was presumptuous of me, but I spoke up."
"…What did you say?"
"I asked him if he'd ever actually told you any of that."
I was left speechless.
Until the day I left home, my father and I had never really managed a proper conversation.
Mother had tried her hardest to bridge the gap, but back then both of us had been about as open as brick walls.
"I… never had that. No one ever said anything to me at all…"
In Seol-hwa's voice as she said it, something lonely clung to the edges.
Without a word, I drew her small frame into my arms and spoke.
"It's okay."
A house like that, that wretched place — she didn't need to think about it.
For everything she never received, I would fill it in from this side.
Until the bitter past couldn't even surface anymore.
"When we're like this… I feel safe, somehow."
"Use me all you want. I'm yours exclusively."
"This is what happiness is, isn't it? It has to be."
"Yeah. It is."
Today really had been full of things.
Remembering old spring. The person most precious to me going from savior to lover.
Being able to reconcile with my father…
"I feel the same way right now."
And with that, I carefully pressed my lips to Seol-hwa's.
The softness against my mouth was so unbearably lovely I could hardly stand it.
There was an impulse, right then, to throw every scrap of reason out the window — but stronger than that was the wish to treasure the person in front of me. So for now, I held back.
When our lips parted, Seol-hwa spoke. "I'm so glad I met you, Yu-seong."
My heart lifting, I smiled and answered. "So am I."