Episode 8: She Was (4)
I thought I couldn’t just remain a child.
Every day, every moment, I grew more restless. Where were you? Were you happy now? Were you living well? Had something dangerous happened to you? Had you found a new family, new friends? Surely...
Had you found someone else to love?
Those questions lingered in my mind, but they weren’t what mattered. I only wished you hadn’t been born in a place like this, that you had been born into a good home and grown up happy.
After the life you had spent suffering and dying because of me, the least I could hope for was that you were living a life like that now. As much as I struggled, you should have been happy. Please.
I wanted to meet you again. I prayed for it with all my heart.
Then, on some spring day when I had only just turned five, an adventurer came to that shabby little Penrin Village.
She introduced herself as a mage and said she had stopped by because she’d spotted the village while traveling. I hadn’t known it since I’d woken up, but it seemed there had been plenty of wandering adventurers who’d drifted into the village by chance, just like my father had.
And that adventurer was my hope.
She said she was a mage. A power I didn’t understand. A strange, fantastical force I couldn’t help but know about, because you loved those fantasy comics so much.
At the time, it was the only rope I could still reach.
Because I was young, because I was lonely and sad, that didn’t mean I could simply stay a child. It made no sense to waste time doing nothing for such a reason. I was a child, but I couldn’t afford to be one, so I had to struggle however I could.
So I opened the door and ran outside.
“A-Aria...?! Where are you going!”
At Sophia’s voice behind me, I barely managed a reply as I pounded barefoot over the dirt and ran.
The paddies and fields that had started being cultivated again with the coming of spring stank of manure.
“Aria...? Sweetheart, if you run that fast, you’ll fall!”
I ignored the villagers calling after me and, with my eyes wide open and my golden hair flying wildly behind me, headed for the place where the adventurer was staying.
A ramshackle shack came into view. And beside it stood an old man and a mature woman in unfamiliar clothes.
“This was the only house I could offer you... ”
“Ah, no, no. I was only planning to rest here for a few days, so this is more than enough. I’m truly grateful.”
A clear, elegant voice. Delicate features. She looked to be about the age I had been before I died, and I was still trying to catch my breath when I hurried toward her.
“Hm? Aren’t you Sara’s daughter? What brings you here...”
I ignored the old man too, lowered my head at the feet of the woman called an adventurer, and, through ragged breaths, forced the words out.
“P-Please... teach me magic... Hh, please, teach me magic.”
“Uh... T-this...”
“Please... Please teach me... magic.”
Tears spilled from my eyes.
Even if she was a stranger, I had to go this far. I was that desperate.
“A-ah... all right, all right. First, get up. Let’s go inside and talk, little one. And Village Chief, thank you again.”
The woman lifted me into her arms, said that to the old man, and then went into the shack.
That was my first meeting with her.
Inside the shabby shack, there was a stale, musty smell. Yet the woman didn’t so much as wrinkle her nose; instead, she brought over two creaking chairs and sat down.
“Little one, have you calmed down? Sit first, and let’s talk.”
“... Yes.”
“Good. Then, first of all, why do you want to learn magic?”
“...”
She spoke as calmly as she looked — clear, poised, and graceful. With silver hair and sharp, striking features, she was slender, yet there was an inexplicable presence about her, a dignity that clung to her like a mantle.
It was hard to believe someone like her had come to a village like this.
Maybe that was why my breathing grew ragged. The woman’s expression shifted, and she hurriedly said, “Ah, sorry. I got a little flustered and wrapped mana around myself for a moment. There — that should make it easier to breathe.”
“Ah...”
Just as she said, the tightness in my chest eased.
An amazing phenomenon. And exactly what I needed.
“Well, I think I need to know why you want to learn magic. Magic is dangerous, so I can’t just teach it to someone with impure intentions. Ah, that doesn’t mean I think you’re impure, little one, but I do need to check.”
“...”
Could I tell her?
It was such a preposterous story. It wasn’t even a simple matter of saying I needed to find someone.
I didn’t know their gender, their age, their appearance, or even their name. I had no idea where they were, and I couldn’t even be sure they were alive.
“Um... if it’s difficult to talk about, I can’t really teach you magic eith—”
“A person.”
But I couldn’t waste time like this.
“I have to find a person.”
I had to meet you again.
“But I don’t know their name. I don’t know what they look like, how old they are, or whether they’re a man or a woman.”
Even knowing nothing, my hope was only that.
“I don’t know where they are, or even whether they’re alive or dead... I don’t know anything at all.”
I held back my tears and looked at the woman’s face.
She stared at me blankly, eyes wide, and I went on.
“I have to find them. I don’t know anything, but if I meet them, I’ll know.”
I would know for certain. There was no way I wouldn’t recognize you.
“I have to find them, but I don’t have anything. I’m too young, too poor, too weak, and starving. I don’t want to just sit still.”
“...”
“Please teach me magic. Hh... magic... please, teach me magic.”
Once I let my feelings spill out, the tears came easily.
I bowed my head again to her, who still said nothing and only stared at me with that vacant expression. I slipped down from the chair, pressed my forehead to the floor at her feet, and spoke again.
“Hh... I have to find a person. So please... please teach me magic.”
Please.
Please give me hope.
To someone who felt as though she might break at any moment, please give me the hope that I can see that person again.
As I said those words, I burst into miserable tears. And yet even while I was begging her to help me, the sight of me was absurdly ridiculous.
After some time passed and I finally began to calm down, the woman who had kept her silence spoke at last.
“... You don’t seem like a child at all.”
“...”
As she said, I wasn’t a child. Trapped inside this tiny body, I was still not something you could truly call a child.
“The reason you need magic is desperate, and yet, oddly enough, terribly vague.”
“...”
I couldn’t argue with her. I didn’t know whether it was because she was a mage, but she wasn’t wrong.
“We’ve only just met, barely for two hours, and I was only planning to stay here for about three days before leaving.”
“Please, I’m begging you...”
Thinking she might refuse, I was about to bow again.
But then—
“Still, little one. I’ll teach you magic. I don’t know whether my skills are good enough to teach anyone, but if that’s what you want so badly, I’ll show you.”
“... Ah.”
The woman smiled faintly and said it.
And so, with all my strength, I grabbed hold of the rope that had finally been lowered before me.
After that, I called her Teacher.
“Wouldn’t ‘Teacher’ be a little strange if I’m not your master or mentor...?”
“... This is more comfortable for me.”
“Well then, suit yourself, disciple.”
I wasn’t from Joseon, so words like teacher or master felt awkward to me. And I had no idea whether this world even had universities, so calling her Professor would have been even stranger.
“By the way, disciple.”
“Yes?”
“I think our disciple here needs to learn how to read first...”
“... Yes.”
For the first time in a very long while, I felt embarrassed.
As she said, I was still a child who hadn’t even learned to read. No one in Penrin Village knew how to write, and there wasn’t even a school, let alone a tiny academy.
Even if I wanted to learn something, the only things available were basics like how to till the soil more easily and plant seeds.
Of course, a low level of general education wasn’t necessarily a bad thing for frogs in a well. The villagers were content with farming and eating the fruit of their labor, and they had no intention of leaving the village.
Even my siblings and mother seemed satisfied with that kind of life.
But I absolutely couldn’t live that way, so I had to struggle.
I had never once wanted to settle for that kind of life.
As I was thinking that, I heard a troubled laugh and her voice.
“Ahaha... You looked so sharp, I thought it would be easy, but there’s more work ahead than I expected.”
“... I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize. Though it does look like my stay here will be a bit longer.”
The woman — no, my teacher — said that, and still smiled at me with a kind expression.