Episode 7: He (4)
How old could a child still truly be a child? If I were being honest, I had always thought you were allowed to act spoiled until you became an adult — at least by Korean standards, until you turned nineteen.
Children should be childish. They should be able to cling to adults, to throw tantrums for the things they wanted. That had always seemed like the most ordinary thing in the world, and because I had been an orphan from the moment I was born, I had longed for exactly that kind of life.
I had spent my childhood alone, swallowing my hunger and enduring it in silence, and whenever I walked the streets, I used to ache with longing for the sight of a warm, ordinary family. So I had believed, at last, that I might finally have that dream fulfilled now.
With both my parents alive, I thought I would be bathed in love and allowed to enjoy every foolish little thing I had once wanted to do as a child.
“Son, now that our boy’s already six, don’t you think it’s time he started holding a sword?”
“..., Mother? I think it should be ‘now that he’s still six,’ not ‘already six.’”
“What are you talking about, son? Your mother started handling a sword when she was four, so I’ve already cut you some slack for two whole years.”
“..., no.”
What kind of logic is that, Mother?
As I stood there thinking that, I looked toward Sion, who was standing beside me. I had hoped that my wet nurse would somehow smooth over this ridiculous situation for me.
“Young master, even if studying is one thing, it really is about time you started sword training. It’s only proper for the son of Nirheim.”
No, usually it’s the other way around.
Parents who shunned studying were surely the kind of parents countless children in Korea dreamed of — except that I was not one of them at all. As far as I was concerned, it would have been far better to go back to studying something I had already tried once before.
So with that sentiment in mind, I shot Sion a betrayed look.
“Sion, you’re betraying me...?”
“Don’t try to be cute. And this isn’t betrayal, young master — it’s your duty.”
Damn it.
Even Sion, whom I had trusted, was on my mother’s side, and Mother merely watched our little back-and-forth before breaking into a bright smile.
“All right, then! It’s our boy’s first sword lesson! Let’s hurry to the training yard!”
“....”
And so I was dragged off to the training yard, hanging from Mother’s side like a sack of potatoes.
As always, the armored pressure digging into my ribs hurt like hell.
When I was young — before I died — I had wanted far too many things, even though I was an orphan. I wanted to play games like ordinary children, to read comics, novels, and webtoons.
So I used to sneak off to the big supermarket by myself. There was a little reading corner there, set up for children, where you could sit and read comic books.
I still remembered the way I would hover behind a wall in my shabby clothes, unlike the other kids, stealing comic books and glancing nervously around me as I read.
It had been so much fun.
I thought the heroes who swung swords looked incredibly cool. A fantasy world where a light swing of the blade sent out waves of energy, where a shield could even block a dragon’s breath, was enough to make a child’s imagination bloom.
And whenever I got so absorbed in the comics that I forgot I was hiding in secret, the supermarket staff would eventually find me and chase me out.
Even now, all these years later, those were still happy memories.
There were very few memories I could still call memories, even without you in them.
And if you were wondering why I was dredging up these random thoughts: the training yard before me looked exactly like the scenes I had once seen in those comics. The knights of the marquis’s house were already there, swinging their swords.
Some of their blades glowed red, others blue. It was probably what people called Aura.
There was something fascinating about a medieval world that could still hold such beautiful things.
And my dazed little expression as I stared at the knights’ swords must have looked terribly adorable to Mother, because she looked down at me, snorted softly, and drew her own blade.
“Son, is that neat? I can do that too~”
My gaze, which had been following her face, shifted at once to the blade in her hand, shining pure white.
“Ah....”
“Pretty, right? Your mother used this to seduce your father.”
It was beautiful — far too beautiful for words to do it justice.
I watched the sword blade, glittering so brilliantly it seemed as though snowflakes were dancing across it.
Whenever Mother grinned and moved the sword, I found myself turning my head along with it.
“Our boy’s adorable~”
Then that light scattered together with Mother’s laughter.
Only then did I look at her face.
My insolent notion — that she was just an overgrown child herself — began to change, little by little.
“If you work hard, you can do it too. So, what do you think? Want to try holding a sword?”
“..., yes.”
I nodded, as though bewitched.
I really shouldn’t have done that.
********
After that day, my daily routine was swallowed whole by training.
Of course, being a child didn’t earn me a shred of mercy. Mother and Father were exactly that kind of people.
And if I had thought to ask Sion for help...
“Sion....”
“Young master, your posture is wrong. Swing again.”
The problem was that Sion was the one in charge of my sword training.
“If I’d known it would be like this, I never would’ve gotten so friendly with Sion.”
“Ugh... and even if you say that, you’re the one who said you wanted to learn swordsmanship, young master. Hurry up and lift the sword again.”
“You’re really heartless.”
“It’s because I love you, young master. Now, swing again.”
The trouble was that this household’s love was absurdly intense in all the wrong directions.
Unable to resist Sion’s relentless urging, I swung the sword again even as my hands shook violently.
“Your shoulder twisted a little. Again.”
“Ah, come on.”
Was the Sion who was my wet nurse and the Sion who trained me actually two different people?
What a two-faced human she was.
And yet, even while I thought that, I still couldn’t escape her grasp until the allotted time was up.
Only when the sun had begun to sink did I finally manage to flee the training yard.
Though “flee” was a bit of a joke, really. I was still being tugged toward the manor by Sion’s hand.
“Young master, once training’s over, you need to wash up and loosen your muscles right away, so let’s go to the bath.”
“.... I know that, so stop dragging me around. My whole body hurts.”
And when I mumbled those weak words...
“You worked hard today too, young master.”
“..., yeah.”
Sion smiled as if she understood everything, then picked me up in her arms.
Even though I was already six years old and probably pretty heavy by now, she held me as though it were nothing at all and patted my back.
In her arms, I felt affection.
The affection and love I had never once received from you in my previous life — all of it came to me now in a single overwhelming flood.
Maybe dying like this was the happiest ending for everyone.
That was what I thought.
You, who had suffered by meeting an orphan; Mother and Father, who had never quite liked the orphan I had been; and me, who had spent every moment tearing myself down for being one. If our bleak, hardened relationship could be solved by my death alone, then it was a pretty good trade.
You would be able to thrive once the obstacle that was me disappeared.
Mother and Father would also be pleased to take in a decent man as their son-in-law.
And I, too...
To have found a family that treasured me like this, I should have been happy....
“....”
Was I happy?
I wasn’t sure.
Even while I certainly felt something like happiness, I still couldn’t tell whether I was truly happy or not.
Only...
Whenever I looked at the sunset bleeding red across the sky, then dissolving into violet, I thought of you.
We had always looked up at the sky together at that hour, walking home from work as the sun went down.
That was the happiness I had been able to savor with you, the team leader of the same company, and with me, one of the subordinates on your team.
Ah, I’m happy. Right?
I had been happy. I truly had been happy then.
But was I happy now, while looking at the very same sunset?
However hard I thought about it, I simply couldn’t know.
And my wandering thoughts were cut off by Sion’s touch.
“Young master... you’re already six, and yet you still cry so easily.”
“....”
She didn’t ask why. She simply stroked my head, and I felt the warmth of that affection in her hand.
“Get some sleep. I’ll wake you when we reach the bath.”
“..., yes.”
Even though it was affection that wasn’t given by you, I surrendered my body to it and closed my eyes.
Sion’s arms were wonderfully warm.
********
Late at night.
The living room crackled with the sound of burning firewood.
“Is our boy asleep?”
“Yes, ma’am. After I loosened up his tight muscles, he fell asleep pretty quickly.”
“Sion, there are only the two of us here.”
Eleanor smiled as she looked at Sion.
And Sion let out a sigh, as if she could not be bothered, before humoring her request.
“Eleanor, you’re truly impossible. If you’re the Marchioness now, could you at least try acting like it?”
“Ahaha, but we’re still friends, aren’t we?”
“..., what am I supposed to expect from you?”
Sitting on the same sofa, the two of them sighed at the same time.
“Our boy...”
“He cried again today. This afternoon, he was crying while watching the sunset.”
“Hmm... is he just naturally emotional?”
“I’m not sure. He cried so miserably that I can’t even tell whether that’s the right word for it.”
Their conversation always circled back to the small child.
“A son who worries his mother like this is a bit much~”
“Then what, I’ll just play the role of his mother.”
“That’s funny, coming from an unwed young maiden.”
“And?”
Before long, the two of them were bickering like old friends.
And then—
“Oh, Asher? If you’re still awake, why don’t the three of us talk for a while?”
“..., no. I was just getting sleepy, so I’ll go to bed fir...”
“Asher, use your head and come here.”
“..., it would be too early to go to bed just yet.”
The manor was noisy deep into the night.
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