Chapter 9: He (5)
Chapter 9.
It was the autumn of my sixth year, after I had only just begun learning the sword.
One of those days.
The wind that kept blowing in now carried the bite of late season chill, nothing like summer’s warmth, and the hills behind the estate had begun to fill with leaves slowly turning every color imaginable.
The sword training that had started in early spring had carried on into autumn, until it became such a familiar part of my day that I hardly thought about it anymore.
I always woke at dawn and went straight out for a run.
Maybe it was because I had the body of a child, but waking early was a miserable thing; still, Sion came every morning to scoop me up and carry me outside, so there was nothing I could do about it.
After the run, my father and mother would be waiting for me in the dining room.
We ate breakfast that early.
Even if I wanted to whine about having no appetite, the knight’s blood in me made me shove down a huge meal from the moment I sat at the table.
“Our boy eats so well. Maybe I should make your training even harder?”
Whenever Mother saw me like that, she would tease me by pinching the baby fat that still hadn’t quite disappeared from my cheeks.
By now I was used to it, so I only nodded.
And, as always, the only thing waiting for me that morning was sword training.
After the run, breakfast, a proper wash, and getting dressed, Sion would be waiting for me with a smile.
“Young master~”
“Ugh….”
I didn’t like it when Sion called me that.
By now I knew that when she spoke to me so sweetly, it only meant she was about to drag me off to training.
“You really hurt my feelings when you react like that.”
“I’m the one getting hurt here.”
Maybe Sion’s feelings were wounded by my answer, but I was the one who ended up covered in bruises every time I trained.
“Those are badges of honor.”
“Sure they are.”
We grinned at each other, and then we headed for the training yard.
Of course, after that all that echoed through the yard were Sion’s shouts and my screams, but that was part of the training too.
My life was almost always like that.
When morning training ended, I would eat lunch with my parents, and in the afternoon Sion would drag me back out and put a sword in my hands.
And then, only when the sun had begun to set—when that red-gold glow and the violet sky started filling my world—would I finally understand that another day had ended.
“You worked hard today, young master. Oh, should I carry you?”
“…, no.”
Lately, I wasn’t so exhausted after training that I needed to be carried home in Sion’s arms.
For some reason, that made me happy—happy in the strange, unfamiliar way of feeling myself growing without knowing how.
Still, Sion smiled with a look that was half relief, half disappointment.
“Hmm…. I’m glad you’re growing up so well, young master, but this is a little disappointing. A bit of spoiling really is better, you know.”
“Sion, if you like kids so much, just quit being my wet nurse and go meet a man and get married.”
I meant that at least half seriously.
I was quite fond of Sion. Just as I liked my mother and father, I liked Sion too.
So I wanted her to spend her youth well, while she was still young and beautiful.
I wanted her to love someone before she missed her chance.
I wanted her not to be foolish like me and let love slip through her fingers by dragging things out until it was too late.
There would be no greater regret in life than that.
But at my words, Sion only shook her head with a playful smile.
“That won’t do. Where would I go and leave you behind, young master? If I disappeared, you’d cry every single day.”
“…, yeah. I can’t really say you’re wrong.”
“Right? You’d be so lonely without me that you’d cry, wouldn’t you?”
I wanted Sion to fall in love with someone and be happy.
And yet I was glad she wouldn’t leave my side, glad she was someone I could count on to stay beside me through life.
That was when I thought the ache in my heart was slowly fading.
Yearning and pain were not the same thing.
Now I wanted to set the pain down and keep only the longing.
********
And then today, on some autumn morning, I opened my eyes.
As always, I reveled in Sion’s arms when she came into my room and lifted me up.
“Young master, did you know you’re at your most spoiled in the morning? The moment you wake up properly, you’ll be embarrassed, and yet you still do this every time.”
At her teasing laugh, I meant to nod along.
But for some reason, my mind felt strangely fogged over today.
“…”
“Young master? Are you tired today? Your eyes are closing more than usual.”
“…, no.”
I was a little more dazed than usual, but it didn’t matter.
My condition couldn’t be perfect every day. After a little time passed, I would be fine.
“Hmm, really? Think you can still run?”
“Yeah, I can run.”
Even while I stumbled through my run, that was what I kept telling myself.
I’d woken up, gone running, eaten breakfast with my parents, washed up, and gotten dressed, and yet I still felt dazed, as if I were floating somewhere outside myself.
So I let my body go loose and drifted into Sion’s embrace with a soft thud.
Sion scooped me up at once and pressed her forehead to mine.
Then she let out a heavy sigh.
“Oh dear, young master. If you’ve got a fever, that means you’re sick…. As expected of mother and son, you really do exactly the same things.”
Only then did I understand what was wrong with me.
Today, I was a little sick.
I was still dazed.
I knew I’d been carried by Sion and laid down in bed, but after that I could not seem to gather my wits at all.
My vision blurred, and I couldn’t make out who was beside me.
My head spun, and I thought I couldn’t even tell whose voice I was hearing.
But there were two things I knew for certain.
One was that a hand that cherished me deeply had brushed my cheek, and the other was that the wet cloth laid across my forehead had felt cool.
When was it again?
There had definitely been a time long ago when I was terribly sick.
I hadn’t gotten a flu shot because I thought it was a waste of money.
Even the smallest coin felt precious to me back then, so I had only hoped the flu would pass me by all winter without so much as noticing me.
But then I caught it after all, and it hurt so badly.
I couldn’t even go to work, and I lay alone in my one-room apartment, groaning.
Medicine cost money. A hospital visit cost money.
I took the fever medicine I had bought long ago, and alone I soaked a towel and put it on my forehead.
I couldn’t even make it back to bed; I just lay on the cold floor and cried.
It was miserable to be sick.
Tears I normally would never have shed came flowing out just like that.
Even while I couldn’t properly collect my thoughts, tears kept sliding down my cheeks.
I think I missed you.
I didn’t call for you because I knew you’d be busy at work, but deep down I had only been looking for you.
And then.
I heard your voice.
“—Hey, I’m he—? Are you okay—?!”
Was this a dream?
Was I hearing things because I was sick?
In my confusion, the voice and the hurried footsteps I heard made me think that.
There was no way you, who should have been at work, could possibly be here.
By now I was nothing more than a pathetic man who was even seeing things.
That was how I think I kept blaming myself, as always.
And then I think I muttered it again.
But even then, the affectionate touch I felt back then, and the cool wet cloth that was replaced again and again on my forehead, and the sob-like crying that came every time I mumbled your name—
all of it clearly said you were by my side.
And even now, in this body that had surely fallen to a six-year-old child, I could feel that affection.
That hand gently stroking my cheek. The wet cloth being replaced again and again. The soft voice. The warmth filling the room.
Surrounded by all those familiar things, I found myself murmuring in just as familiar a way.
“Seoa….”
I called your name.
Thank you for loving someone like me.
Thank you for liking me even though I could never give you back enough of that love.
Thank you for never changing, for telling me we should get married all the way to the end.
And yet all I could do was be grateful.
Even so, I betrayed your hopes and died like this.
Now that I was sick again, all I could think about was you.
I couldn’t even bring myself to wish that someone else had appeared in your life so you could be happy.
I was only sorry.
I opened my eyes.
Night had already fallen.
When I turned my head and looked to the side, I saw Sion, asleep against my bed.
My head was still foggy, but she must have taken such diligent care of me that the forehead that had been burning hot before was now pleasantly cool.
I touched the corner of my eye.
Dry tear tracks still clung there, rough against my fingertips.
It looked like I had cried after all.
It was a little embarrassing to be this old and still cry just because my body was slightly sick, but there it was.
“Ah….”
This was definitely going to give Sion something to tease me about later.
Thinking that, I pushed myself up, and at the movement Sion’s eyes opened too.
“Hmm…, young master? You’re awake?”
“Yeah. Sorry for making you worry.”
She was busy enough already, and I had gone and made trouble for her just because I was sick.
There was a world of difference between teasing me and actually making me a burden.
But at my words, Sion’s expression hardened at once.
Then she held me carefully and spoke.
“…, there’s no way you could be a burden, young master. Please don’t say things like that.”
“…, okay.”
I nodded at her words, and while she kept holding me, Sion asked me gently, “Young master, so who is Seoa? You kept calling that name even while you were asleep. Hmm, I don’t think there’s a maid who came in recently with that name.”
“…”
My heart dropped at her words.
In my feverish haze, I had called your name.
Just like an old habit.
I had been looking for you, even though I could never see you again.
As I bit down on my lip at that thought, Sion’s voice reached me again.
“Young master?”
So I answered.
“…, I guess I was too sick to pronounce it clearly. I was calling you, Sion.”
“Oh, hmm…. Was that it?”
“…, yeah.”
That was all.
Because I was trapped in the body of a child.
Because I was sick, and my mind had gone cloudy, my speech had only come out clumsy and slurred.
That was the answer I gave.
---