Words I Don't Mean

In Utopia, Bi-an occupies a rather special place.

Originally, Utopia was meant to be a three-member group. Then one day Thomas unnie—our CEO, that is—played us an audition video containing someone's voice.

According to Thomas unnie, someone had sent it without realizing the recruitment period was already over.

The video she showed us was, honestly, completely devoid of any entertainment value.

And yet Thomas unnie and the three of us kept watching it over and over.

"...Her voice is on another level."

At Tita's single remark, we all nodded. The recruitment period had already passed, and if we were going by entertainment value alone, there was no real reason to pick this girl.

But her voice was simply too precious to reject her outright.

"So what do we do? This girl. Should we take her? The trainee period will be longer, of course."

Thomas asked for our opinions.

We agreed unanimously.

"Um... please take care of me."

My first impression of Bi-an was:

She kind of looks like me.

I myself had been dark and gloomy at first because of all the things that happened at university, but living with Eve had brightened me up somewhat.

And by encouraging Eve, who surprisingly lacked confidence, I'd gained the leeway to look out for other people too.

So the moment I saw Bi-an, I wanted to help her.

"Thank you, Wa-sol unnie."

At first she used formal speech with me and called me unnie. Finding that cute, I looked after her often, which sometimes made Eve jealous. Tita seemed to like Vivi as well, and the two of them hung out a lot.

"...Can I really do this?"

Bi-an's confidence was still lacking, so—

"With a voice like yours, Bi-an, people would love you even if you just read a book."

"Yeah! Bi-an unnie's voice is the best in the world!"

"Bi-an. Trust this oppa. You can do it!"

We always praised Bi-an's voice.

"I-is that so..."

Maybe thanks to our efforts, Bi-an gradually started gaining confidence.

And so Bi-an grew little by little.

"I... think I can do it."

After Bi-an's test stream—which was already over by then—receiving a far better response than expected, Bi-an was able to gain the confidence a VTuber needed.

"Everyone, thank you. Thanks to all of you, I've been able to keep going this far."

And right before her debut.

Seeing Bi-an speak with a slight catch in her voice made me unexpectedly emotional.

Yeah... back then, we definitely...

Really liked each other a lot.

I liked Bi-an a lot, and Bi-an definitely...

Friendship and love.

I think these two are emotions that don't mix easily.

Because the feeling of love can easily destroy a relationship built on friendship.

Like how you feel betrayed when someone you only thought of as a friend suddenly confesses.

Or like when friends... like the same person.

Of course, that doesn't mean love is bad.

Knowing that... just makes it harder.

"Hi, Bi-an."

"...Yeah. Wa-sol."

Today we gathered at the Utopia office for our regular meeting. And of course Bi-an was there too.

It wasn't like we'd gotten into a full-blown fight, but there was still an awkward atmosphere between us.

On top of that, the two of us happened to arrive first, so none of the others were there yet.

Someone hurry up and get here...

"So, um, did you get home okay that day?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, yeah."

Surprisingly, Bi-an started the conversation first. Was she maybe trying to apologize for what happened that day?

"Did Gachi say anything?"

Not an apology, I guess.

"He didn't really say anything. So I asked him. What happened between the two of you."

"..."

"Gachi told me. About how you two got close studying together in high school. The first love story."

Just ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠thinking about it again makes me clench my fist without realizing. Recalling that the person you love once loved someone else in the past is painful, after all.

It's not like anyone did anything wrong. It just puts you in a bad mood for no reason...

"What do you think, Wa-sol?"

"...About what?"

"About me and Gachi."

What does this mean?

I don't know. She's a friend I've spent nearly a year with.

But right now, I don't know... No, I didn't want to know.

"Gachi and I are a couple, and you and I are friends. You two are... classmates."

"..."

"It's already in the past, so I don't care. So Bi-an, you don't need to worry about it either."

Words I don't mean.

Even though I care so much.

And what's with the "you don't need to worry either"?

I want to tell her to stop caring about Gachi, yet I'm speaking as if I'm being considerate.

Becoming this kind of mean woman in the face of love.

I found myself a little disgusting.

"Ugh."

Come to think of it, this is the first time.

Bi-an glaring at me like this. Or is it the second, if I count the last time?

Love really is scary.

"What?"

"..."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"..."

Ah, I really hate myself right now.

Bi-an has her own feelings too. I'm just lashing out based on my emotions alone.

I'm doing the exact same thing as the people I used to hate. Is this all ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I'm capable of as a person?

"Gachi and I... aren't just classmates."

Of course not. Not just classmates...

I know, Bi-an. I do know...

"If you never saw each other even once after graduation, then you're just classmates."

"You don't even know."

"I already heard it from Gachi."

"You only heard about it. How much we—"

How much.

I didn't want to hear the rest.

So I cut her off.

"We're in love right now. What happened between you two is already in the past."

"!"

Bi-an bit her lip ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠with a startled expression and lowered her head. Even though she'd hidden her hands under the table, her shoulders were trembling so hard I could tell she was clenching her fists tightly.

"I'm going on a date with Gachi after work today. And this time I don't plan on posting where we're going in the group chat."

"...Why are you telling me that?"

"Because you might follow us again."

"..."

I know full well that I'm being emotional right now. And yet I couldn't stop.

The emotions that had burst open poured out like a waterfall, and the dam of reason that was supposed to hold them back already had cracks in it.

"Did Gachi... say anything about me?"

"That again? I already told you I heard it from Gachi."

"That's not what I mean!"

The beautiful voice that always stirred the heart.

Right now it had turned into a voice that sounded as if it had been torn to shreds, as if wounded.

"About how he... feels about me."

"Why... are you asking that?"

"..."

At my question, Bi-an said nothing and just glared at me.

As if asking whether I didn't already know the reason.

"He said he's already forgotten someone like you."

"Liar."

Caught.

Right. Bi-an liked Gachi too. So of course she'd catch it.

"There's no way Gachi would say something like that."

"...You're right. Gachi wouldn't say that."

"Gachi is... Gachi is..."

The emotion inside Bi-an right now must be regret. It's not like I don't understand that feeling at all.

In fact, when I heard Gachi's story, I couldn't help thinking "what if" myself.

What if, when Gachi was at his most hurt and struggling, Bi-an had been his support.

Then Gachi probably would have lived a life with no connection to Eve at all, and he and Bi-an might really have become a couple. And he never would have met me.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, it's a ridiculous idea. Gachi not liking Eve. Gachi never meeting me.

"If it hadn't been you. If I had met Gachi first. He said his first love would have been me. That's the truth."

This one... kind of makes sense.

"What the hell is that. I don't... want to hear that."

"You can't only hear the things you want to hear, can you?"

Sitting across from me at the long table, what does Bi-an think of me right now?

A thieving cat who stole the man she likes? A bitch who only hurts her?

...Don't worry, Bi-an.

Even I hate the way I'm acting right now... when I think about it myself.

"Hello!"

"Oh, you two are already here?"

In an atmosphere that no amount of effort could make pleasant, two voices rang out.

One was Eve—Gyu-ri's bright voice. And the next was Tita's energetic voice. Since Tita was supposed to bring Gyu-ri today, the two of them entered the office together.

Seeing Tita pushing the wheelchair and Gyu-ri sitting in it calmed me down a little, and I greeted them.

"You got here early."

"Yeah, Tita unnie came to pick me up super fast."

"It's been a while since I got to see Eve in person, so I was happy."

Tita rubbed her face against Eve's, speaking happily.

Her dyed red hair was tied in a ponytail, and her eyes, mixed with a bit of purple, made it clear to anyone that Tita was a high-energy woman.

"So."

That Tita looked back and forth between me and Bi-an and asked.

"Did you already fight?"

"Huh? About what?"

At Tita's question, Gyu-ri tilted her head, not grasping the situation.

Bi-an said nothing.

"Who knows. Maybe."

I just brushed it off too.

After the meeting ended, Thomas unnie, who was always busy, left the company first. Tita suggested the rest of us grab a meal together, but—

I had a prior engagement.

"Sorry, I have a date..."

"Ah, with Gachi oppa? I wanna come too!"

"What, so everyone except me has met Wa-sol's boyfriend?"

Except me.

Just like earlier. So Bi-an really did tell Tita everything.

"It just kind of happened that way. Sorry. I'll introduce him properly later."

"You better. I'll properly judge whether he's a guy who suits Wa-sol."

"Unnie unnie. I wanna go too!"

Hey, this brat's been deliberately ignoring me this whole time.

"Shut. Up."

"Aaaaah! Don't pull my cheeks!"

"Can't be ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠helped. Then the three of us can eat together. That okay, Bi-an?"

"...Yeah."

Bi-an answered weakly. She'd been like this since the meeting started. No, since our conversation.

Earlier I'd gotten emotional, so I felt a little sorry for my attitude just now.

"I'll head out first then. Bye everyone, you too Bi-an."

I said goodbye to Gyu-ri and Tita, then naturally greeted Bi-an as well.

To that greeting of mine—

"You don't care at all, do you?"

"What?"

Bi-an answered with an unexpectedly cold reaction.

"After what just happened. Wa-sol, you don't feel any emotion toward me at all, do you?"

"Ah, no. That's..."

"Why? Because you think someone like me could never take Gachi from you no matter how hard I try?"

What is this.

Different. So different from the usual Bi-an.

But thinking about it, maybe it was only natural. Before the meeting started, Bi-an had tried not to show her emotions much in our conversation, keeping them bottled up as much as possible.

Meanwhile I'd expressed my feelings exactly as they were.

The emotions that formed then had only piled up inside Bi-an during the meeting. And my attitude just now made them explode.

"That's not it. I just... wanted to try reconciling a bit."

"...Ha."

At Bi-an's uncharacteristic attitude, both Gyu-ri and Tita were flustered and could only watch. Of course I was just as flustered.

That wasn't the intention behind what I said...

"If you said let's be friends. Are you still just pretending to be the unnie in the end?"

"That's not it. Just..."

"In the end... Wa-sol, you've always looked down on me."

"...What?"

"Choi Bi-an!"

...For a moment I couldn't say anything.

More than Tita's loud voice, Bi-an's words just now were too shocking.

"It's true, isn't it? Because I'm the inadequate one. You only give me attention because of that! You always thought someone like me wasn't even a match for you, Wa-sol!"

"Hey, Choi Bi-an. Calm down! That's enough!"

I can't say anything.

That's not it. It's really not.

I just wanted to keep being close with Bi-an.

"Reconcile? Do you think that's possible? In just a few hours? Was it such a light problem for you?"

I didn't think it was light.

I took it seriously too. Because I used to be like Bi-an once. At times like this, I should... ah.

The moment I realized something, a sharp sound rang through the office.

Slap.

"Choi Bi-an. Look at my face properly."

Tita had grabbed Bi-an's cheeks hard with both hands. She'd grabbed so hard that the slap sound echoed through the office.

"Is that how you really feel right now? Do you truly think Wa-sol sees you that way?"

"..."

Hearing Tita's question, Bi-an kept her mouth shut with an expression that looked like she was about to cry, and her two fists were clenched so tightly I worried her nails might leave wounds.

"...I'm leaving."

"Hey, Choi Bi-an!"

In the end Bi-an shook off Tita's hands and left.

"Uh, uh? Wa-sol unnie..."

Gyu-ri, who still hadn't fully grasped the situation, looked up at me with a worried face.

Not wanting to worry her, I forced a smile and stroked Gyu-ri's head.

Looking at me like that, Tita scratched her head and said,

"Haa... Gyu-ri. We'll just have to eat separately today. Wa-sol, take care of Gyu-ri for me. I need to go after Bi-an."

"Yeah... please do."

"Okay... And don't take it too much to heart. What she said just now was definitely. Words she didn't mean."

Words she didn't mean.

Is that really true?

I just realized it myself... I was still thinking I needed to look after Bi-an.

Friend or whatever, in the end I hadn't abandoned the position of unnie.

Maybe, just like Bi-an said, I... had been looking down on Bi-an as beneath me.

While projecting my past self onto her...