The Medicine Called "What If"
Bian's Side.
Looking back now, that day I mustered every scrap of courage I had just to ask him still burns clear in my memory.
Gachi nodded at my words, and for the first time that day I was able to smile.
After that we often studied together in the library. Of course a boy and a girl couldn't sit too close, so we kept a careful distance, quietly trading glances, simply savoring the knowledge that each of us was aware of the other.
“G-Gachi. Can you show me this one?”
Whenever a problem stumped me I would go over and ask him, but the reverse never happened. Gachi never once came to me with a question.
It was only natural. Whatever Gachi didn't know, I didn't know either.
Just studying beside him was pure joy, yet the fact that I was always the one asking left a bitter taste. That bitterness became my fuel.
So that Gachi would one day ask me something. So that he could lean on me. So that I could close even a little of the distance between us.
With that longing as fuel I threw myself into my studies, and the results finally turned positive.
“...Twentieth.”
“You climbed a lot.”
First-year second-semester overall rank: twentieth. For reference, Gachi's was third.
From one-hundred-tenth all the way up ninety places. The kids who had spent the entire first semester calling me Darmstadtium suddenly started approaching me with warm smiles.
I had no interest in any of them. I had already found the boy who made me happy simply by existing beside me.
“Gachi... thank you. Really...”
“I didn't do anything. You worked hard.”
More than anything, Gachi treated me exactly as he always had. No—from the very beginning he had never once looked down on me.
“If you don't want to be ignored, you have no choice but to raise your grades. This place is like that.”
Of course Gachi was a student of the same school, so he shared its grades-first creed, yet at the root he was different from everyone else.
When my scores lagged he offered encouragement instead of scorn, held out his hand, and never once flaunted his own ranking.
A crane among chickens.
The old saying usually means a single genius standing out from the crowd. To me it was literal: one crane shining among a flock of ordinary hens.
While the other students, swayed by the values the school pushed, tore one another down without even knowing whether the will was their own or someone else's, Gachi alone kept shining.
I wanted to draw closer to him. There could be nothing wrong with that desire itself...
“Lost again. Next time I'll win.”
“Then next time I'll have to stay sharp too.”
Second-year second-semester overall rank: fifth. Gachi's was second.
By then not a single student ignored me. Secret from Gachi, I even received a few confessions.
None of them were from him, so I turned every one down.
My heart held only Gachi.
“I've finally reached the same level as you.”
“...Yeah.”
What I failed to notice was that I myself was slowly being dyed by the school's ideology.
While I was still the one chasing I never felt it, but the moment I became the one being chased the pressure changed. Every time it did I went to Gachi—to refill the fuel that kept me working.
As if... I were using him.
“Gachi, which university do you want?”
“The highest one, of course. What about you, Bian?”
“...The same one as you.”
“Then... we'll both have to work hard.”
I no longer hid my feelings; I tried to keep Gachi only at my side. I still don't believe the act itself was wrong.
The way his face flushed that day is something I have never forgotten.
Yet I still hadn't realized that what filled that moment was not love alone.
“Before I knew it we've come this far. In the end I never beat you even once.”
“You never know. On the CSAT I might be the one who loses.”
Third-year first-semester overall rank: fourth. Gachi's was still second.
The future I had longed for was finally coming into clear focus.
“No. You'll never lose to me. I know that.”
“...I'll make sure of it.”
To enter the same university as Gachi, who was always a step above me.
I had been dreaming that dream for three full years.
“When we become university students... then...”
We had never even held hands, never spoken our feelings aloud.
So impatience slipped out and I tried to say something more direct.
“Let's do our best. Once everything is over, getting to know each other a little better would be nice too.”
“...Yeah!”
Gachi caught my restlessness and answered in that gentle voice of his. Right—there was no need to rush.
Gachi would certainly enter the best university, and I would simply follow him there.
That was what I believed—until a time far too cruel arrived.
Of all things, several students were caught dating.
The wall between boys and girls grew higher overnight, and for a long while we could barely speak. In the end, desperate for the fuel that kept me studying, I asked for Gachi's number.
We kept exchanging messages like that. Sometimes we even studied together over the phone.
It continued right up until the night before the CSAT.
“Tomorrow's finally here. Let's do our best. I want to become a university student with you, Gachi.”
“Me too.”
“You'll definitely get in. I'm the problem... I'm scared.”
“...You worked hard too, Bian. Don't worry. Even if you fail, I'll wait.”
Ah. That was the moment.
The moment I realized the way I looked at Gachi had changed from the beginning.
“What are you talking about, Gachi?”
“If you fail it's over. Neither of us is going to make that kind of mistake. Especially not you.”
“...”
“Gachi?”
“No... you're right. Retaking would be embarrassing. Let's both give it everything.”
“Yeah!”
Yes—we would not fail. I was still lacking, so a little fear remained, but Gachi must have been completely at ease.
Because Gachi was extraordinary. How else could he stay inside the top three for three straight years without a single miss?
Really... amazing...?
What is this. Something... feels wrong...
The moment the CSAT ended I called Gachi.
He didn't answer. At first I thought the accumulated exhaustion had simply put him to sleep, but at school I learned the truth.
Gachi had forgotten to write his exam number on one subject.
“...What. Is that.”
The first emotions that rose were disappointment and betrayal.
The Gachi I loved, the Gachi I had chased, never made mistakes like that.
Why.
“Bian, the CSAT's over... we're going out to celebrate. Want to come?”
Boy after boy approached me now that the exam was finished and the results were in.
“Sorry.”
I had no room left to accept any of them. Because in that moment I believed Gachi had betrayed me.
Really... what an idiot I was.
If I could turn back time... if I had at least called him... no, even before that.
...You worked hard too, Bian. Don't worry. Even if you fail, I'll wait.
If I had simply answered those words with “thank you”...
When did it start? When did I begin measuring Gachi's worth by his grades alone?
Even though the reason I fell for him had never been grades, I started judging him only by scores.
Back then I couldn't even see my own fault; I simply reeled from the shock of betrayal and never contacted him first.
So until the day I graduated high school I never saw Gachi again, never spoke to him, and entered university alone.
I told myself first love always ends like this and tried to look for someone new.
...All that remained was belated regret.
Gachi had been truly special. He ignored the noise around him, stayed honest with his own feelings, made the person beside him feel at ease, and never forced himself into the spotlight.
Three simple things. Yet not a single man at university could do them the way Gachi did.
To eyes that had known Gachi, every other guy looked like a pale imitation.
“Why... didn't I notice how special he was? Why did I forget that the only reason I ever approached him was simply to stay by his side?”
The regret grew heavier day by day until even I could see how dark I had become. Free time meant nothing; I stayed in my room glued to the computer, my condition growing worse.
Then, by pure chance, I found it.
Shall we create a paradise together?
Paradise... a word so far from the place I was living that it pulled me in. Before I knew it I had sent them a video—the first one I had ever filmed of myself.
...It was only later that I learned the recruitment period had already closed.
Gachi's Side.
Wa Sol, who had been clinging to me like a cicada, only hugged tighter once my story ended. I had actually planned to tell her about the day I happened to meet Eve after that as well.
“Uuuu...”
Looking at her like this, better not bring Eve up. I do remember once saying that the person who saved me on my hardest day was Eve... but connecting the two might be a stretch.
“Then... if you had done well on the CSAT back then, would you have dated Bian?”
“That's a ridiculous question.”
To the anxiety trembling in Wa Sol's voice I answered without hesitation.
“What if is a dangerous medicine. Once you build a tolerance you start swallowing even the most absurd delusions without blinking. If you're going to use that 'what if' on me and ask what would have happened if I'd aced the CSAT—”
I cupped her face and made her look straight at me.
“—then I'll use 'what if' too.”
“...”
Just as I expected, Wa Sol looked ready to cry. Honestly, if this was how she was going to react, why ask to hear it in the first place?
Gazing at her, I spoke the words.
“If I had met you before Bian, my first love would have been Wa Sol. You.”
“!”
“If you had never existed in this world, I never would have loved anyone again.”
“...”
“If... really if... even if you had been dating someone else, I would still—”
Soft, warm lips sealed the reckless words that were about to tumble out. Wa Sol's mouth covered mine; our tongues met and we traded breath and heat.
“Haa... don't say things like that. That really is an impossible 'what if'.”
“...Yeah. Sorry.”
“No... I'm the one who should apologize. I got a little anxious, a little jealous. For me, everything with you is a first.”
I didn't understand completely, yet I understood enough. I would have felt the same.
“Right now I'm looking only at you. From now on I'll keep looking only at you.”
To soothe her I pulled her into my arms, wanting her to feel me more clearly.
As if she read my heart, Wa Sol hugged me back just as tightly.
“Yeah. You absolutely have to. Otherwise... I'll mark your whole face.”
“Please spare me that...”
“No. Because Gachi is mine. Haap.”
Ah... she finally seems to have calmed down a little.
Even so, the marks on my neck will show, so I'd really like her to stop sucking, but—
“Puhah... Gachi is... mine.”
I can't bring myself to say it right now.
If I tell Wa Sol to stop, she'll definitely leave a mark right on my face.
And that... actually makes a frightening amount of sense.