11. Daughter or Monster? (1)
11. Daughter or Monster? (1)
"Ha? What's this now..."
After parting ways with Kaho, for some reason, my luck had been plummeting to the absolute worst over the past week. No, rather than saying I was unlucky, it felt like I'd been cursed.
'Am I getting scolded right now for being rude to Mom?'
Paparazzi wouldn't leave my Mansion alone, mechanical glitches kept happening during broadcasts, and I even got into fights with the director and PD that blew up entire schedules.
Excluding the paparazzi, all these once-in-a-year incidents had piled up in just one week, leaving my mind so drained that I felt like giving up on everything.
So, in this already tough situation...
"...The upstairs pipe burst?"
"Yes, repairs will take about a month. They have to rip up the entire upstairs floor, so we need to call in a crew. This isn't something that'll wrap up in a day or two..."
The upstairs pipe had burst, and water was leaking from the ceiling of my place downstairs. When I got home after work and saw the place turned into a swimming pool, all I could do was let out a hollow laugh.
Well, up to this point, I could chalk it up to bad luck and just find temporary lodging. I even thought about hitting a hotel to unwind...
"Huh...? Don't go to a hotel? Why...? I'll book a room for you too, Manager unnie...!"
"I appreciate the thought, but... you know about those paparazzi sticking to you lately, right, Miyagi-ssi? Hotels aren't completely secure. How about using the company dormitory or heading to the Main House instead?"
With the paparazzi swarming me lately, staying at a hotel was deemed too risky. The company dormitory wasn't bad, but...
"The company dorms don't give one room per person... I can't live with some stranger..."
"It's just a month at most—can't you tough it out? Then how about going back to the Main House? It's right nearby anyway—do you really want to stay in the dorms?"
"No, that place... uh, Mom would feel uncomfortable if I suddenly showed up..."
I couldn't tell Manager unnie about my bad relationship with Kaho, so I brushed it off vaguely and asked her to check for any available rooms in the company dormitory.
But my luck was just that rotten.
"No empty rooms in the company dorms. Just go to the Main House..."
"...Unnie, please. They really have no rooms? Can you check one more time?"
"You know how the agency brought in a new idol group last time? The dorms are packed because of that. No plans to free any up anytime soon."
"Unnie, then wanna live with me? Can I crash at your place for a bit?"
"My place is too cramped— it'd be full if Miyagi-ssi came over."
No rooms in the company dorms, and even Manager unnie drew a line at living together.
I couldn't keep living in my flooded apartment like this, so I had no choice but to make a decision.
"...Should I just buy a house while I'm at it?"
"You're gonna buy a house just to live in for a month? Miyagi-ssi, you've got a lot of... money? Yeah, rich people do what they want."
"No, listen, Manager unnie. Since it's come to this, I'll buy another house. I live there for a month, then rent it out starting next month. Perfect, right?"
"...You really don't wanna go home that bad?"
Yeah! The word rose to the tip of my tongue, but I answered with a wry smile instead. Manager unnie stared at my face quietly, let out a deep sigh, and said something unexpected.
"Last weekend at the Cathedral, I ran into Wakayama actress... no, Miyagi-ssi's mother."
"Huh...?"
"You know Wakayama actress is famous for not talking to anyone at the Cathedral, right? But that day, she approached me first. Asked how Miyagi-ssi's been doing lately..."
I knew Manager unnie and Kaho went to the same Cathedral, but I figured they'd never cross paths, so I hadn't paid it any mind.
Kaho didn't chat with anyone there anyway. It was more like she started going because she thought I was possessed by a demon rather than being devout...
For Kaho to approach Manager unnie and ask about me was honestly surprising. I couldn't even imagine her worrying about me.
"I don't know what happened between you and your mom... but try reaching out first, Miyagi-ssi. She seemed really worried."
With that, Manager unnie urged me to contact Kaho and left. Come to think of it, when was the last time I'd reached out to Kaho...?
I could barely remember ever calling or texting her. Even when I did, it was just notifications assuming no reply would come.
"Still, if she's worried..."
I pulled out my phone and searched my contacts for the unfamiliar name.
[Mom]
Other kids had hundreds of call records with their moms, but seeing mine barely scrape into the double digits made me burst into hollow laughter.
Was Kaho really worrying about me like Manager unnie said? Why? Why worry about me now? Was it because I talked back to her for the first time?
Wasn't she mad at me? Now that I thought about it, this was the first time I'd ever gotten angry at Kaho. Would she even worry about me...? Or was she looking for me to scold me...?
Just the word [Mom] on my screen spawned endless stray thoughts. What on earth was Kaho thinking?
"If you're worried about me... at least reach out first..."
If she'd asked me directly instead of going through Manager unnie, maybe this frustration would've eased a bit?
At this rate, I wouldn't call until nightfall, so I slowly extended my thumb and pressed the call button.
The dial tone rang from the speaker, and I swallowed hard without realizing. Would Kaho even pick up my call in the first place?
Kaho would definitely ignore my call—
[Hello...?]
"......"
I was sure she'd ignore it, but before the tone even rang twice, Kaho's voice flowed through from the other end.
Hearing Kaho's voice brought back what Manager unnie had told me. That unbelievable claim that Kaho was worried about me.
Her voice coming through the receiver was so tender, it made me think it might actually be true.
[He, hello~?]
Just that one worried tone made the lump in my chest from fighting with Kaho that day melt away like snow...
"Mom... can you... talk for a bit...?"
I really was an easy one, I thought.
**
'...Because I'd just get hurt by you again.'
It had been a week since Miyagi said that to me and left. No contact from her in the meantime, and I hadn't reached out first either.
We weren't the type to check in regularly anyway, so no word from Miyagi was par for the course, but lately... I kept fixating on my phone.
Wondering if she'd call...
Keeping it glued to me so I could pick up right away if she did.
'Should I call her first...'
...Lately, my head was full of nothing but Miyagi.
If I could sum it up as guilt, that'd be nice, but the crushing weight on my heart couldn't be pinned down to just that one word.
I'd spent nearly 20 years loathing and hating that child. She'd lived through the time that should've been her whole world being treated as an emotionless monster by me.
But the moment I saw that tearful face saying she didn't want to get hurt by me anymore... I realized she hadn't been emotionless—she'd just been holding it all in until now.
Enduring my abuse, enduring, enduring...
What should I say to her now?
[I hope you're doing well lately? How's the filming...]
Taptap taptap-
I kept writing and deleting texts, unable to send them even today.
Instead, I just searched and read stuff online like 'mother-daughter fights,' 'how to apologize to your daughter,' 'how to reconcile with a much younger girl.'
Of course, the internet advice wasn't helpful. But thinking oh, stories like this exist too, I jotted down apology methods, hoping for the day I could talk to her.
"...What am I even doing."
Like jotting down notes on stuff like this would help when I couldn't even contact her.
Frustrated, I sighed deeply and plopped onto the sofa, turning on the TV.
I didn't usually turn on the TV at home, but lately, it'd become routine to leave it on from morning, zoning out to kill time.
Miyagi's ads popped up sometimes...
And she starred in the weekend morning drama.
"The drama plot's so trashy..."
I'd never bothered looking up dramas Miyagi was in before. Just seeing her face made my blood boil—I didn't want to see it on TV too.
And I didn't like her acting. That's exactly why I'd dismissed her as an emotionless monster—because of the 'acting' she did.
She'd been good at it since she was little.
No, she knew acting.
At first, I thought it was just talent...
But she pulled off techniques you could only learn on set through experience, without any training.
Handling gaze toward the camera, adjusting distance by calculating for the lens height, expressions that cut off like a frame break.
Things no one could explain away as mere talent—she was doing them at three years old.
Like someone who'd lived as an actress for ages...
And she acted in front of me too, treating her very existence like a role.
It creeped me out so much I yelled and screamed at her...
But every time, Miyagi just smiled awkwardly. A mere three-year-old kid, not crying when her parents scolded her, just grinning like it was awkward.
Her behavior had a freakishness that 'mature' couldn't cover. Like some unknown monster was acting as my daughter...
That's why even now, seeing Miyagi act gives me chills.
"...Watching like this, she still seems like a monster."
Forcing my wandering gaze back, I focused on Miyagi on the TV. Seeing her act still brought that same unpleasant dissonance.
Watching her perform, she just felt like a monster pretending to be human in my daughter's skin.
But since that night...
I couldn't see her as just a monster anymore.
Watching her on TV like this, she seemed like the monster I despised.
Her acting still twisted my guts with irritation.
But recalling her face from that night, nestled in my arms calling me Mom...
It felt like my daughter had come back, and she no longer looked like a monster.
When I visited her on the advertising shoot, her grumbling that her weird walk was my fault was adorable.
Stroking the soft flesh below her navel, seeing her blush remembering that night—how cute was that.
And... seeing her tears wet her cheeks as she said she didn't want to get hurt by me anymore, my heart tore apart.
When she poured out her frustrated emotions to me, I finally realized she wasn't a 'monster'—she was a living, breathing 'person' like me.
Yeah, realizing she was human was good...
But whether she was my beloved daughter, or just another entity wearing my daughter's skin...
I still wasn't sure.
Her pouring emotions out to me was lovable like my daughter, but I remembered how she'd acted like a different person since she was three.
And that dissonance still hit every time she 'acted.'
Are you my daughter when you show me emotions? What if you're another being in my daughter's skin? Have I been mistaking you for my daughter?
Or maybe there was no 'other being' to begin with?
What if the monster I imagined never existed, and the one I hated so much was Miyagi all along? What if I've been abusing her because of my delusion?
...Those thoughts kept circling my head, driving me mad.
"I need to talk to her more to be sure..."
I pulled out my phone again and tried drafting a text to Miyagi.
'Have you eaten...? Nah, too cliché. Then 'Did you get home safe...? No, it's been a week since we parted—too late now?'
I never knew texting your daughter was this hard. Sprawled on the sofa groaning over what to do—
Uuuung— uuuung—
"Eek?!"
Miyagi's name lit up my screen—the one I'd been waiting for.
Wh-what do I do? Pick up, right? I never imagined she'd call first... Ca-calm down...!
Ahem! Clearing my throat briefly, I swept my messy side hair behind my ear, hit accept, and held the phone to my ear.
"Hello...?"
Even after picking up, silence lingered on the line. Thinking maybe she didn't hear, I tried again, louder.
"He, hello~?"
[Mom... can you... talk for a bit...? ]
Finally, Miyagi's voice came through. Her subdued tone, more sunken than last time, hinted something was up.
"Y-yeah... I can. What's wrong?"
[Oh, um... could you do me one favor...? ]
"A favor...? Tell me first. What is it?"
[Oh... well...]
I heard her lips parting and closing on the other end. Just as I wondered what could make her hesitate like this—
[Could I stay at the Main House for a bit...? Just for a month...]
"...Huh?"
A request I hadn't seen coming at all.