10. As If It Never Happened (3)
10. As If It Never Happened (3)
"Miyagi-yang, you're okay, right?"
Was she worried about me standing there in a daze in the Dressing Room? My Manager unni asked if I was alright with a pitiful look on her face.
"Yeah? Ah... yeah, of course. I'm fine."
I reflexively answered that I was okay, but honestly, this whole situation was just confusing as hell.
I couldn't understand what the heck Kaho was thinking by showing up with that 'Note.'
[Let's treat what happened last night as if it never happened.]
I'd thought Kaho would definitely read that note and understand. After all, what happened last night was an 'accident' that never should've gone down between us in the first place.
I couldn't believe that Kaho, who'd always hated me, had done something like that to me. When I woke up, I seriously thought it was some absurd nightmare...
But the faint ache deep in my gut that I'd felt all day—the sensation of my first experience—made it painfully real that last night wasn't a dream.
'My first time... was with Mom...?'
No matter how much I tried to deny it, the bloodstain on the bedsheet proved that last night was reality, not a dream.
Me, who'd never even dated or had sex in my previous life, let alone this one... had done something like that with my own birth mom in this life...?
'Did I seriously... lose my virginity to Mom...?'
I couldn't accept that reality, so I'd left just that short note and fled the house like my life depended on it.
I figured Kaho had to be just as freaked out as I was. After all, she was the one who'd pounced on me last night.
So I was sure she'd want to treat last night as 'something that never happened' too. Maybe she'd been possessed or something?
Otherwise, how could Kaho—who hated even being called Mom by me—hug me, call me her loving daughter, and let me suck on her breasts...?
'U, uwaaa...!'
Even for Kaho, who despised me, it had to be something that never should've happened. The memory of last night resurfaced, sending chills down my spine.
That's why the note I left was a kind of 'agreement.' An implicit consent to both treat last night as if it never happened.
I was sure Kaho would agree to the terms I'd proposed... So why the hell did she come here with that note...? What didn't she like about it...?
"...For now, wait for me in the car. I'll finish talking with Mom and head straight there."
"Huh? O-okay. Talk it out well with your mom. Take your time."
No point overthinking it anymore, so I left the Dressing Room right away and headed to the Reception Room where Kaho was waiting.
I knocked on the Reception Room door, and a low voice from inside said to come in—Kaho's voice.
Carefully opening the door following the sound, I saw Kaho clutching an empty paper cup, crumpling it in her hand.
"You're here?"
She smiled with her eyes when she saw me, but for some reason, a wave of tension made me swallow dryly and force a smile as I sat down.
"...Sorry to keep you waiting so long? The costume was hard to take off..."
"It's fine, sit down quick. You're not exactly free all day, are you?"
She seemed ready to dive straight into the main topic, pointing at the yellow Post-it Note on the desk as she continued.
"I came because I was curious what you were thinking when you left this note."
"...I'm not sure what you mean."
I forced a smile, ignoring the note she was pointing at. I knew it would twist her expression, but I had no choice.
It was rare to see that smile—which she'd never shown me in my whole life—warp like that... But I'd decided to ignore that note.
No, I'd decided to treat it as 'something that never happened,' just like it said.
Kaho seemed to catch on to my intentions, her lips twitching before she let out a sigh. I wished the conversation could end there...
"Last night... You really want to treat it as if it never happened?"
She asked more directly, like she had to hear it straight from my mouth. Why was she so obsessed with last night?
It was a mistake for Mom too, right? Something that never should've happened? Even if she's Mom, my body as her daughter...
Especially someone she hated so much...
She shouldn't have hugged me like she truly loved me.
The moment I saw Kaho's expression as she looked at me, the emotions I'd buried deep inside started boiling up. But suppressing them by force had reached its limit...
I ended up blurting out the feelings I'd tried so hard to bury, throwing the question right back at her.
"...Why?"
Why look at me now like I'm your daughter? Why try to play Mom now? After hating me my whole life and treating me like a monster?
"Why ask for my thoughts now? You never did even once before."
The words I'd swallowed inside came pouring out like an overflow.
"Last night? That was an accident. Mothers and daughters shouldn't do that. You shouldn't have done that to me in the first place. You hated me so much, so why last night..."
Did you say you loved me? Why did you hold me so warmly? After calling me a monster my whole life, why call me your daughter now?
I get it, why you call me a monster. It's because I have memories from my past life, right? You think I'm some evil spirit that killed your real daughter and took her body, don't you?
I think so too. I think I'm the evil spirit that stole Miyagi's body. So if I could, I'd give it back to Miyagi right now.
But can I control that? Is that something I can do? I can't. If I could, I'd hand your daughter back right away.
If only I could...
The emotions I'd held back my whole life surged up like a tidal wave. I tried to choke them down, but my throat tightened, and tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks.
"Miyagi..."
Kaho reached out like she wanted to wipe my tears, but I swatted her hand away as she tried to get close.
Did you realize I'm not a monster when you hugged me? That I bleed and breathe like anyone else—did you finally get that now?
Then you get it now. I can get hurt too. The wounds you inflicted on me are still festering.
I'm sick to death of your double standards.
"...Do you remember when I was five? The first time I got a drama child role, I was so excited I bragged to you about it, right?"
As I wiped my tears and brought up the old memory, I saw Kaho's shoulders twitch. Yeah, so you do remember.
"I was so happy. It felt like my efforts had finally paid off. So I ran to you first to brag... Do you know what you said to me?"
"That time...!"
Kaho's lips moved like she wanted to make an excuse, but she swallowed her words and shut her mouth. I know what she wanted to say.
Yeah, you were busy with the divorce back then.
I know it was a stressful time, meeting lawyers every day.
That's why I tried even harder.
Just to become something you could be proud of, even a little.
So you, my struggling mom, would smile.
But you...
"When I went to you asking for a hug, you pushed me away instead. Told me not to come close, that I wasn't your daughter, that I was a monster."
"..."
"That's when it started, I think. When you started despising me so intensely. Treating me like a monster and fearing me."
I wish you'd just make an excuse. Say you were out of your mind with the divorce. That you didn't mean it. Then maybe I'd feel a little better.
The heavy silence pressed down on my chest like a weight. I wiped the tears from my eyes and forced out my voice to continue.
"You asked if I wanted to treat last night as if it never happened?"
Truth is, saying I wanted to pretend a mother-daughter thing like that never happened was just an excuse. Sure, there was some truth to it.
"Yeah, I want to treat it as if it never happened. If we make last night into something that did happen..."
The real reason I want to erase it is because I'm scared of leaving behind that happy memory and falling in love with you again.
I'm terrified of dwelling on that feeling of being loved and hoping you might love me once more.
That's why I want to treat last night as if it never happened.
I don't love Kaho anymore. I don't hate her either.
I even know her hatred toward me is justified.
So if I start loving Kaho again...
"...I'd just get hurt by you all over."
With those final words, I shot up from my seat. As I turned to leave through the door, Kaho's voice stopped me like a hook.
"Miyagi."
Foolishly, hope flickered again, halting my steps. My hand froze on the doorknob, waiting only for Kaho's next words.
Ears perked, waiting for her lips to part.
"I don't think I can forget what happened last night."
Kaho said something incomprehensible.
What the hell? I was just begging you to forget last night! Why won't you do what I want?
You're like this to the end...
"...Do whatever you want. I'll forget it."
No point continuing this parallel-line talk, so I turned the doorknob I'd been gripping and stormed out.
Thinking I'd never see Kaho's face again.
**
A thick silence lingered in the Reception Room after Miyagi left.
In the room heavy with silence, I tapped the desk with my fingers, replaying the conversation I'd just had with Miyagi.
The image of Miyagi, her voice choked with surging emotions like she was about to burst into tears any second, wouldn't leave my mind.
"You remembered... what happened back then."
I'd known Miyagi changed starting from when she was three, but the real reason I came to hate and despise her was the incident when she was five.
Part of it was being overwhelmed with divorce prep, but the biggest reason I hated Miyagi was that even my ex-husband feared her.
Every day, he'd shove divorce papers at me, ranting about what kind of thing I'd given birth to, calling it less than human.
He even suspected me of cheating and hired a private investigator to dig into my past. Once I found out, our relationship was beyond repair.
Because of that, I couldn't stay sane without hating Miyagi. I blamed her for my husband leaving, for the divorce—everything.
'I really thought I'd given birth to a monster, and that's why my husband left...'
I'd spent my whole life thinking that child was a monster that devoured my real daughter. I'd hurt her all my life, so I thought it was okay if she got hurt.
After all, that kid was an emotionless monster just mimicking a human.
So I thought it was fine to hurt and despise her as much as I wanted.
...Until I saw her whimpering that she didn't want to get hurt by me anymore.