Kiss Mark
After the first race ended, I was certain.
"I will stand in the heavens."
Kart racing—I am the number-one emperor.
The first person to react to that single line of mine was Beombu, who'd barely missed out on first place.
"What do you mean stand in the heavens, you crazy bastard."
"Don't tell me you don't even know this bit?"
"I know it. I just don't feel like reacting. There's nothing to react to in the first place, is there?"
She knew one thing and not the other. The golden rule was to at least throw in a little "Hwaah!" sound effect or hold your breath for the bit—but I had nothing to say to Lee Yebin, the streaming illiterate who didn't even know that much. Still, this much I could manage.
"I shall be the number-one emperor. Understood? Bring it on, all of you."
I was the number-one emperor, and I was the number-one boss. That was the conclusion I had reached.
"Let's run another one."
"Looks like we have to take that guy out."
"Let's really take him out."
"Wipe him off the map."
At some point it had turned into an all-out "Down with Dodo" campaign, but that was fine.
I was the strongest in the whole damn lobby. Bring it on.
And so the second race began. From this round on, with everyone's hands warmed up, we switched to free-for-all.
And when you turn an item race into a free-for-all, the chaos that breaks out makes team battles look civilized.
—Whoooosh!
—KABOOOOOM~!
"Kyaaaaaah!"
"Hey, wait…! That's too much!"
"You should've dodged better, unnie~"
"Why am I getting caught in a couple's fight…."
Like that—everyone getting hit by the same water bomb.
"You shall not pass~!"
—Thud! Thud! Thud!
"What the hell is this barricadeeeeee!"
"Aaaaaah! Why! Why are you blocking here, whyyyyy!"
"I used a shield…!?"
Or everyone getting stuck behind some obstacle someone planted.
"Hey hey hey hey! Dodo's pulling ahead again!"
"Anyone got a UFO!?"
"I've got a UFO!"
"Use it! If we don't catch him now we can't even contest him!"
"Oh~ I've got EMP~ Just break the UFO and it's over~"
Or ganging up to ruin one person's day.
These awful people—how could they all join forces just to kill me?
But they needed to understand something. When you were sitting in first or second, the game handed you trap items and defensive items more often than offensive ones.
Just look at this.
—Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!
The UFO floating over my head steadily drained first place's speed for a set duration. A pure anti-leader item. An item aimed squarely at me.
—Zzzzzzt!
But all I had to do was this—dodge it.
"Told you I had EMP~"
"Aaaaaargh! So annoying!"
"Can't someone land a guided missile on him? Ah, a rocket!"
"He's not even in rocket range."
"How is he that fast! Are you on a different kart!"
I wasn't. Same kart as everyone else.
Just don't hit the walls, win the body checks, and dunk someone with a trap every now and then, and you end up out in front like this.
"Stop riiiiiiiight there!"
Lee Yebin's voice, thick with rage, came through—but I couldn't have cared less. I was having the time of my life, honestly?
"Absolutely not stopping~ Nigerundayo~ Smokey~"
"Who even is Smokey!"
"Go watch some JoJo already. We're going to watch it together. How can anyone have this little culture?"
"Aaaaaargh! That's a separate issue—I'm going to kill you for real!!"
Lee Yebin's fury poured through the mic, but everything I'd said was correct.
Female VTubers got watched by more men than women. The more memes guys liked or used, the more popular you became.
Of course, from what I'd heard, Lee Yebin's case was special—her male-to-female viewer ratio sat at about 6:4, a rare golden balance.
According to her, it was because her charm was cuteness, or something. What part of her was cute, exactly.
Regardless, we were already on the final lap, and the only pressure coming my way was the occasional water fly or UFO.
A water fly was an item that could briefly, and reliably, stop whoever was ranked right ahead of you. In a racing game where acceleration was everything, even a "brief" stop packed a serious punch.
But if you blocked even that with a shield? What were they going to do! You couldn't do anything to me!
Right around the time I was feeling like a king and a god, I checked the leaderboard.
Sitting in second, completely against my expectations, was Lee Yebin. From the way second through fourth kept swapping mid-pack, it looked like a total brawl back there, though….
"Chat, I've got a great idea!"
Hoping desperately for an attack item, I scooped up every item box I could find.
Unfortunately, all I kept getting were boosters for extra acceleration, shields to protect myself, EMPs—the kind of stuff that made me wonder if I'd have to abandon my good idea. And then….
—Ding-a-ling-a-ling~ Ding!
The last item box spat out an attack item.
The exact attack item I had been hoping for with all my heart.
—Screeeeeech!
A sharp drift.
With that drift I completely reversed the car's direction, then inched backward little by little, setting myself up so that even the tiniest reverse movement would carry me across the finish line.
The viewers, naturally, seemed to catch on to what I was about to do.
The chat was reeling in horror, but that wasn't important.
If I could dunk on Lee Yebin and chose not to, I'd just be a sucker.
I activated the item at once, summoning the targeting reticle, and second through fourth—Lee Yebin included—started sliding into the circle.
I nudged the car's nose left and right, locking onto Lee Yebin as she rocketed toward me at full speed, and….
"Vini. Drown while clutching your ideals."
"Huh!?"
I launched the rocket in a perfect line straight at Lee Yebin.
—Whoooooooosh!
—KABOOOOOOM!!
In a burst of flame, Lee Yebin took the rocket on the final curve and went flying into the air. I immediately reversed and sealed first place.
Viewers flooded in during all of that, and in the end Lee Yebin got swallowed by the pack and was left fighting a desperate last-place war.
"Aaaaaah! I hate Dodo so much! Dodo I hate you so damn muchhhh! Aaaaaargh!!!"
Lee Yebin eventually ground to a complete halt. Having already foreseen the future, I tried to shut the door immediately—but it was no use.
This ending was always going to land on me anyway.
If I didn't let her hit me, she'd just sulk about that instead.
Knowing the future, I whispered to the viewers in a small voice.
"Everyone, I'm going in."
With the chat's send-off ringing in my ears, I faced Lee Yebin's attack.
But Lee Yebin's attack was different from usual.
"You absolute bastardrrrrrr!!"
—Crunch!
My brain froze for a solid three seconds.
It only started working again when my body registered just how devastatingly effective Lee Yebin's chomp-and-destroy technique truly was.
"Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr!"
"You crazy girl! Why are you biting my shoulder! Why are you bitiiiiing!!!"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!"
Was she actually a rabid dog? I'd called her a lunatic and she really was one!
"Hey! Hey! Help me! Seriously help me! I'm sorry! I said I'm sorryyyyyy!!!"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!"
Lee Yebin sank her teeth into my shoulder with the look of someone thoroughly enraged, and only after I begged for my life did she finally deign to forgive me and unlatch her jaws from my flesh.
"Acting all cocky over nothing."
"You crazy girl, that actually hurts, this is…."
"Well, who told you to do something worth getting punished fo—"
Lee Yebin was talking with complete self-assurance, but that wasn't the important part.
"Hey. What the hell is that mark!?"
"Th-that's… uh…."
Lee Yebin glanced at my face, then bolted on the spot. I let out a long sigh and returned to my seat.
Meanwhile, the viewers who had heard every single sound of that exchange were throwing an absolute festival of nonsense.
These lunatics were straight-up calling it pure love and everything.
"All of you, get out. Seriously."
That was a personal insult against me.
I had just started banning people left and right when one chat message caught my eye in a way I could not ignore.
A kiss mark?
I snapped a photo of my shoulder and checked the state of it for myself.
A kiss mark was when someone sucked hard on your neck, right? Something like that.
"You're looking at these clear-as-day tooth marks and the words that come out of your mouths are 'kiss mark'?"
I transferred the photo to the computer and put it on stream. The viewers' reactions were, without exception, works of art.
The chat was talking like it was someone else's problem, and I started seriously considering whether I needed to slap a bandage on this thing.
If this counted as a kiss mark, I was just going to live as a single man forever.