Real Men Don't Hit the Brakes
Ban lounged on the sofa, swinging his legs and smirking like an absolute little shit.
The fake, saccharine smile that had been plastered on Yui's face shattered into a million pieces.
"Y-you crazy perverted weak-ass bastard!!"
Yui dropped all pretense, leaping up from her seat with a piercing shriek.
The cutesy little-sister mode—complete with baby talk and calling him "Oppa" and "Boss"—was officially over.
"Hey!! Is all our money your money?! We all worked our asses off for... No, we found this bunker together, so it's technically the Solution Group's public funds! I'm trying to spend my own share, so why the hell do I need your permission?!"
Yui unleashed a barrage of cold, logical facts. She huffed triumphantly and whipped her head around, certain of victory.
"Sis! I'm right, aren't I?! That freeloading bastard's hoarding all the money and calling the shots. It's straight-up abuse of power! Say something!"
Yui shot a pleading look toward Haze—the Ice Witch who would normally take her side without question and scold Ban.
"...Sis?"
The older sister she trusted so much had her head bowed low, shoulders trembling. Not a delicate little shiver, either. She was shaking like a damn leaf.
When Yui stepped closer in confusion, Haze quickly turned her face the other way and let out a very forced cough.
"Ahem... Hm! I was... focused on cleaning my weapon... *cough*."
Wait. Is the Ice Queen actually holding back laughter right now?
Her normally cold, cross-shaped pupils were clearly curved into little crescents. She was obviously looking forward to watching her cute little sister's desperate butt dance. The sense of betrayal left Yui's eyes hollow.
"Sis...? Sis?! Did Ban infect you with his idiot disease?"
Yui kept desperately calling out to her sister, but Ban buried himself deeper into the sofa and delivered the killing blow with a wicked cackle.
"Aha~ Public funds? Yeah, yeah. Our little squirt's totally right! It's the great and mighty Super Lucky Solution Group's public funds, after all."
Ban put on an exaggeratedly serious face and stroked his chin.
"But we can't just spend public funds however we want, right? We need to hold a democratic meeting about it. Hmm... but my schedule's been pretty packed lately. Eating, sleeping, taking a shit, then sleeping again. Ah~~ When exactly am I supposed to hold this meeting? When am I supposed to buy anything?"
Ban stared at the ceiling and pretended to count on his fingers.
"Let's see. Looks like we can put it on the agenda in about two hundred years! Our genius hacker-chan, go ahead and buy yourself the latest drone in two centuries and fly it to your heart's content!"
"Aaaaaagh!! You demonic bastard!!"
That was pure bullshit. But knowing him, he really would dodge every single meeting.
Yui kicked the sofa a few times in frustration before finally giving up.
Her face was already flushed bright red like a fancy tomato.
"...You'll really buy it if I do it just once, right?"
"Oh. You're actually gonna do it?"
Ban sat up with genuine interest, draping an arm over the back of the sofa. Haze paused her gun-cleaning and glanced over as well.
"Haa... Fuck. I used to be an Intelli Master... I was one step away from admin privileges... Ah... Haa..."
Yui muttered to herself, squeezed her eyes shut, and stood with her back to Ban. Then she clenched her small white fists tight.
Twitch. Twitch.
Like a rusty tin robot suffering a glitch, her hips began to vibrate awkwardly from side to side.
Zero sense of rhythm. Negative one hundred in sensuality.
It was an objectively terrible dance. Was she a middle-schooler or something?
She even hung her head in shame, clearly hit with a massive wave of embarrassment.
"......"
A heavy silence fell over the living room.
It was a bizarre scene—Yui's butt was the only thing moving, wiggling aimlessly in the air. Oh my god.
"Pfft...!"
The silence was broken by Haze. She couldn't hold it in any longer and let out a sound, immediately clapping a hand over her mouth. But it was too late.
"Puhahahahahahaha!! Hey!! Ice Witch!! You seeing this?! She's like a damn wooden puppet!! Look at her creaking! Somebody get some oil!! Bring the XD14!!"
Ban clutched his stomach, rolling around on the sofa in uncontrollable laughter. Haze finally broke down too.
"Ahahahahaha!! She's so cute. Baby, you're adorable!"
She buried her face in her sniper rifle, shoulders shaking wildly as she laughed openly now.
"S-stop laughing!! You... you... jerks!!"
Her shame meter had hit maximum. Yui spun around and hurled a cushion at them. Real, humiliated tears were glistening in the corners of her eyes.
"Ah, my stomach hurts. That was hilarious. Squirt, you've got real comedian talent."
Ban wiped the tears from his eyes and stood up.
"Thanks for the wonderful performance. Are you an idol or something?"
"Knock it off."
"Yes ma'am."
He knew when to quit. Push her any further and she'd actually get mad.
Ban rubbed his belly and finally stopped laughing.
"Okay, okay. I admit it. So how much is that mosquito-looking machine? I've never bought one before, so I don't know the market price."
Yui cleared her throat a few times, trying to cool her flushed face.
"Hmph. It's not quite the top-tier spec I used back at Intelli, but it's a solid mid-to-high-grade drone for outdoor use. Runs about seven thousand coins. Add a new terminal for another thousand. Total of eight thousand coins."
"Eight thousand? That's nothing if we crack open one gold bar. Go grab one from the warehouse. Where do we even buy these things anyway? They don't sell them at the supermarket."
"Obviously. We'll have to deal with the Guterrat. Where else besides the 317 Lab handles high-tech equipment?"
Ban's eyes went dull with boredom.
"Ah. The Guterrat. Their nearest outpost is still a long drive away. Uuugh... What a pain. Don't they have delivery? Let's just get it delivered!"
Normally Yui would have thrown a fit, complaining about how expensive delivery fees were and reminding everyone how they drove themselves last time to buy meat and cigarettes.
But now she kept her mouth shut tight, eyes darting around guiltily. Oh? Look at this little squirt.
"Um... Well, there are delivery companies. The fees are pretty high, though. But since it's my precious equipment, wouldn't it be better to get it fast and safe?"
The double standard was glaring. Ban let out a disbelieving chuckle.
"Sure, sure. We gotta welcome our little squirt's precious drone overlord. Any decent companies?"
Yui quickly tapped away at her tablet.
"Guterrat stuff is expensive, so most shady delivery guys won't take the job. They're scared of getting robbed by looters. Um... There's only one company that will. They're called the Porter. Super famous transport and logistics specialists."
"Oh. Nice! How much?"
"...Umm... Two thousand coins. Hehe."
Yui held up two fingers and laughed nervously in a tiny voice. Ban's previously glazed eyes sharpened instantly.
"What? Two thousand coins? Are they insane?! That's a quarter of the item's price! What the hell kind of scam is this?!"
Haze, who had been listening quietly, chimed in.
"Two thousand coins? Are you crazy, Yui? For that money I can just drive there and back myself. Spending two thousand on delivery is actually insane."
The Ice Queen's brutal financial facts. She hated wasting money.
Under the combined assault from Ban and Haze, Yui shrank in on herself and started mumbling.
"N-nooo... The Porter guys are seriously like rocket delivery... If we order now it'll really come soon... They don't even hit the brakes! Please! Hng."
She pressed her two index fingers together and whined pitifully. She was clearly dying to get her new toy as fast as possible.
Right then, Eve walked into the main room. She'd apparently finished the first phase of her insane magic potion research and had come to see what all the noise was about.
"Hoi hoi! What's going on?"
"Oh. Pink Missile Port! Perfect timing. This squirt wants to burn two thousand coins on delivery fees."
Immediate snitching.
"Whaaaaat? Oh my. What's going on with our usual penny-pinching tightwad who always complains about money~? Two thousand coooins?"
Eve's eyes sparkled as she began dishing out payback for all the grief she'd received.
"Sis? Pretty Eve sis, why are you being like this too!"
Haha. So she calls her a cow all the time, huh?
"Last time we bought that cute little band, you whined about it all day long, didn't you? But two thousand coins for your own toy doesn't hurt at all? Talk about a total double standard~"
Eve drew an X with both hands and whined in an annoyingly cute voice.
"W-what?! Toy?! This is essential tactical equipment for the Solution Group!"
"Heee~? Essential tactical equipment with a two-thousand-coin delivery fee? That's our Master's hard-earned blood money, you knooow~ Is your conscience as tiny as your chest size?"
Eve subtly thrust out her own violently large mega missile ports while glancing down at Yui's flat chest.
Breast attacks were always critical hits.
"Y-you crazy cow bitch!! I'm gonna kill youuuu!"
Yui huffed angrily and hurled a sofa cushion at Eve.
Eve giggled and easily dodged it, ducking behind Ban's back.
"Whoa. The former professor's got great DPS. Guess she was a dealer, not a doctor."
Ban patted Eve's head affectionately.
He'd been grumbling earlier, but watching the two idiots bicker seemed to have put him in a strangely good mood.
What a pervert.
Besides, he was honestly curious how those madman Porter delivery guys would bring the package. Real men who don't hit the brakes? Sounded interesting.
"Ah, whatever. Just order it. We'll crack open a gold bar anyway. Tell them to come to the front of the gas station barricade. I wanna see these badass uncles for myself."
The moment Ban gave permission, Yui's face lit up and she frantically tapped her tablet. But after only a few seconds, her expression froze again.
"Ah... There's a problem..."
"What, are those uncles taking the day off?"
"No. Our digital wallet only has twelve coins left. I told them we'd pay in physical gold bars on delivery, but..."
"But?"
"The Porter side says they can't trust verbal contracts like that. No deposit, no engine start."
In the cutthroat mercenary world, if strangers said they'd pay in gold bars, of course they'd assume it was a trap.
"Ah. They're pretty strict. Then cancel it."
As Ban started to merge with the sofa again, Yui let out a scream and jumped up.
"Dammit!! Wait!!"
She sprinted toward the warehouse like her life depended on it.
There was a loud clatter, and soon Yui came running back, panting, holding something in both hands.
In one hand was a gleaming gold bar. In the other, a bottle of pre-apocalypse whiskey.
Then, very seriously—click—she took a photo and sent it to the Porter side.
"What are you doing?"
"Sending proof. This should make them believe us. If we throw in a bottle of whiskey, they'll definitely come."
"Huh? You're even throwing in the whiskey now?"
"Sigh. Master! She really has nooo sense of economics at all~!"
Eve immediately started scolding her, and Ban stared in disbelief.
Ding.
The reply came in less than a second. Eve's nagging was forgotten as Yui's mouth stretched ear to ear in a massive grin.
"Reply's here! They're departing! They're really coming!!"
Two thousand coins plus one bottle of pre-apocalypse whiskey. Looked like the Porter side decided to take the risk and start their engines.
"Alright. Haze, get your weapons ready. We'll do the trade in front of the barricade."
Ban stretched his stiff body and picked up his beloved revolver.
Under the blazing sunlight on top of the gas station barricade.
Ban leaned lazily against the steel plating with a cigarette dangling from his lips.
Beside him stood Haze, eyes fixed on the distant road. Yui was hopping anxiously in place, craning her neck for any sign of the delivery. Eve stood nearby, shielding herself from the sun.
"Ugh, why aren't they here yet! They said it was rocket delivery! They replied in one second and it's already been thirty minutes!"
Yui grumbled, tapping her terminal irritably.
"Squirt. Delivery isn't teleportation. Did they open some dimensional gate between there and here? Or maybe a door that goes anywhere?"
Ban picked at his ear as he replied.
"That's right~ Our little gum sticker has no patience. It's a problem."
Eve chimed in from the side, gently fanning the flames again.
Yui glared at her, about to snap back, when a heavy vibration suddenly traveled up through the ground beneath their feet.
Rumble rumble rumble—!
Beyond the barricade, something was racing toward them at insane speed, kicking up a massive cloud of dust like a mountain range.
"Whoa. That doesn't sound like a motorcycle. Sounds more like a dump truck."
Ban narrowed his eyes, muttering with clear interest.
What drew closer was literally a rolling fortress.
The windshield was covered in thick steel mesh. The front of the vehicle was fitted with ridiculously thick armor plating and vicious steel spikes jutting out in every direction. A heavily modified large truck.
But its condition was anything but normal.
The armored front bumper and massive wheel wells were completely caked in bright red blood and crushed flesh, so thick you couldn't even tell the original color.
The evidence was clear—it had plowed straight through looters and Walkers alike without slowing down.
Screeeeeech—!!!!
With an ear-splitting screech of brakes, the truck came to a very manly, very abrupt stop right in front of the gas station barricade.
A gust of hot wind carrying the stench of burning rubber and nauseating blood washed over the top of the barricade.
Clank.
The thick steel window on the driver's side whirred down halfway.
Behind the wheel sat a middle-aged man with broad shoulders and a sharp, no-nonsense face.
Just one look from those eyes could crush a man's spirit. A middle-aged uncle absolutely dripping with murderous aura.
The man scratched his chin and stuck his head out the window.
"Recipient: Super Lucky Solution Group. Two special Guterrat cargo items. Payment: one bottle whiskey, one gold bar. Confirm goods."
His voice was rough and metallic. It was Kang, the leader of the Porter.
Ban glanced at the blood-dripping bumper, then blew out a long stream of cigarette smoke and grinned.
"Wow. You really didn't hit the brakes at all and just bulldozed your way here. I like your style, uncle."
The Intelli Master's brand-new gear had finally arrived right before their eyes.