Is It My Fault This Time Too?
We were still friends, weren’t we…?
It made me feel so ashamed just to think about it—why did the person who’d been hurt have to feel ashamed too?
We’d just been so happy to see each other again after such a long time, and the easy mood from talking it all out was completely gone now.
An awkward silence hung in the air as we both turned our heads toward the opposite side of the room and kept quiet.
Well, I didn’t know about Gabi, but
At least right now, that was me.
I still didn’t have any idea she would pull up my hoodie like that.
Yeah, of course Gabi thought I was wearing underwear too.
Logically, anyone would normally put on underwear under their clothes, right?
But I’d only tried them on and they kept slipping down, so I just didn’t wear them at all.
Gabi must have pulled my hoodie up thinking she was teasing me, and that’s exactly how it turned into this mess.
Did Gabi think I was a pervert who went around without underwear?
Even a guy doing this would be a pervert, but maybe a girl doing it would be a little less bad, I don’t know.
I was originally a guy, and now I was in a girl’s body doing this.
Maybe Gabi would feel sick enough to puke just thinking about it.
And I was even letting out a girl’s scream.
I never made a sound like that when my dad beat me.
That made the shame so heavy I couldn’t open my mouth at all.
But if I stayed quiet like this, I’d just get labeled a pervert and leave.
I’d finally cleared up the misunderstanding, and the next-door sister had told me someone now knew everything about me.
I really didn’t want to let this rift come between us.
“It sounds like an excuse, but… I was actually planning to wear underwear too. But my panties are all square-cut, so they all slip down…”
“Yeah, that’s possible. You’ve gotten so much smaller than before, your size probably didn’t even fit….”
Thankfully Gabi accepted my excuse awkwardly, but somehow.
Anyway, pulling up my hoodie was Gabi’s doing.
Here, if I started arguing about who was at fault, she’d realize she’d also be called a pervert.
Thankfully Gabi is a girl and I’m still a guy.
Thankfully Gabi is a girl and I’m a girl now.
Even if my gender had changed, it would still be suspicious.
So I guess we’d both done nothing wrong, and there was some silent agreement to just move on.
Unless that was okay to think, right?
But the human heart is just so tricky.
The moment I thought I could breathe again, shame hit me once more.
This was exactly the reaction kids should have when they accidentally touch each other while growing up.
We’d grown up together, seeing each other without hiding anything.
And Gabi was a girl too, wasn’t she?
It was embarrassing to see someone of the same sex naked, but we’d never gone this far.
Even the public bath would have you walking around naked with the same gender.
“Hey, Noel. You’re not wandering around outside like this too, are you?”
Gabi seemed just as uncomfortable as I was.
She said it carefully, like she was scolding me.
“What? Of course not! At first I barely even went out anyway… But I had a bathing suit I never wore as a guy. It shrank too, so it never slipped down. I still wore that when I went out.”
“…”
Yeah, it wasn’t no-panties. At least I was wearing a bathing suit—that was lucky.
But Noel, you know what I mean without me saying it, right?
“Ah, I know. I always found bathing suits uncomfortable because sweat builds up inside and it doesn’t air out well. So at home, where no one’s around, I just took it off.”
“Well, that’s fine. Let’s go buy some underwear.”
“Huh?”
I thought she’d just accept my apology.
But Gabi stood up suddenly, saying something out of nowhere.
Underwear?
Was she going to buy me some to wear?
A guy buying a girl’s underwear.
Even if Gabi felt fine about it, she was still different from me.
Of course I was a girl now and didn’t feel disgusted by my body, but
Yeah, no. My head hated the body, but biologically it was just fine.
Still, my mind was still male.
Something about going shopping for underwear with Gabi made me feel endlessly ashamed.
“I’ll buy them myself. It’s fine.”
“If it’s fine, Noel would have bought them already and worn them, right? Don’t argue, just come with me. I’ll buy the right size if you show me, but how am I supposed to measure someone who isn’t wearing anything? I’ll have to try them on myself.”
“……”
No matter how I tried to refuse.
Against her overwhelming logic, I couldn’t say a word.
Yeah, that was true.
If I had a measuring tape, I could measure myself and show her, but
I’d never seen one in the living room, and I didn’t want to go into the bedroom either.
But I didn’t want to go out right now.
If it was any other day, I might have gone reluctantly.
But tomorrow and the day after, I had plans with Celesty to buy a wheelchair.
Walking with a cane versus riding in a wheelchair.
Which was easier? I didn’t even need to think about it.
“Gabi. Can we wait a few days?”
“A few days? Why?”
“I’m buying a wheelchair tomorrow and the day after. It’s better to take it everywhere, right?”
“…”
Well, a wheelchair was definitely better than a cane. But why a few days later? Why not three?
“I’ll wear the bathing suit then, and I’ll have to wash it when I get home. Drying laundry takes a whole day.”
“…”
That was a pretty solid reason.
Gabi looked down at me and let out a small sigh.
Even without seeing her face, I could tell she was worried about me.
But I couldn’t wander around in wet bathing suits either.
And I couldn’t just wear the same clothes again without washing them first.
If it was a jacket, sure, but these were underwear that touched my skin.
Yeah, there had been a time when I lived like a shut-in because I didn’t even smell after a few days, but
I still knew I needed clean clothes when I went out.
Now I showered every day, it was even more obvious.
“Fine. Then for two days, I’ll just wander around like this?”
“What? At home no one will care…?”
Gabi sighed again.
Was she even wearing underwear at home? The warning was probably because even at home you had to wear them.
At home by myself, maybe I could skip them, but
“Noel. If you were a guy, sure, but you’re a girl. Haven’t you ever felt your chair getting wet?”
“Wet chair…? Ah, wait, do girls have short urethras so it leaks? Don’t worry, I wasn’t.”
“No, no… Just think of it as sweat or sebum. When you start getting your period, it’s like cold discharge. You don’t hold it in like pee. Why didn’t they teach this in sex-ed classes at school instead of all the useless stuff?”
“Period…?”
I’d completely forgotten.
The hospital said my body had become a full girl biologically.
Of course I’d eventually get my period.
The only good thing was that Gabi’s words were right—I’d never had cold discharge.
There hadn’t been any period yet.
Maybe it was because I hadn’t been eating enough nutrients since becoming a girl.
That actually worked out in my favor now.
According to Gabi’s worry, there wouldn’t be a wet chair.
“Anyway, it’s fine. As long as I haven’t had my first period yet, I’m good for now. But a girl living without underwear at home isn’t great either. So when you get the wheelchair, text me right away. I’ll go buy some underwear.”
Finally Gabi made a compromise like she was trying to give in a little.
Text her the day you buy the wheelchair from Celesty.
“That might be hard.”
“Why hard? What’s going on?”
“No, it’s hard. Physically.”
“You’ll sit in the wheelchair, right? That’s just an excuse, you know?”
“……”
No matter how hard I tried to postpone the day I had to wear girl’s underwear, it was all for nothing.
Helplessly, I nodded at Gabi.
Yeah, wearing a bathing suit every time I left was worse than now.
Since my body was a girl’s now, it was probably better to wear the underwear girls wore, even if it felt weird.
Only then did Gabi relax her serious tone and lie down beside me.
The bed creaked like it used to when we studied together.
That was just like Gabi—always lying down right after we started anything.
That same girl was now a girl, but whatever.
But I didn’t really mind her nagging.
…Maybe I was just too used to the next-door sister nagging at me.
“Okay, that’s settled. Have you eaten? If you haven’t, let’s eat together.”
“Ah, I ate some chicken. Left about half. Want me to warm it up?”
“Wow, the customer came and you’re offering leftovers?”
“Yeah, that’s a bit much. I’ll order a new one.”
“No, it’s fine. I should go. I have some meds to take. I’ll eat there. Let’s eat together next time.”
Finally, today’s business seemed done, and Gabi stood up.
She said she had meds, and for some reason it hurt my chest.
We used to study together until she went home.
We’d often eaten dinner here or at her place.
But now Gabi was hanging out with other friends at university.
If I made other friends, that would be good, right?
But it still felt like we were losing something, even though we weren’t even dating.
I couldn’t stop the feeling from sinking.
But before she left, Gabi hugged me one more time.
“I’m glad you’re okay, Noel. I was really worried thinking you were the one at fault.”
Was it because I was a girl now?
I felt like the skinship was bolder than when I was a guy.
This warm hug was so long since I’d felt one that it felt strange.
To hide the slight tremble in my body from the unfamiliar warmth,
I asked Gabi quietly.
“Gabi. We’re still friends, right…?”
“What kind of question is that? Of course we are!”
Yeah, that was all I needed.
Even if I was a girl now, we were still friends.