Is It My Fault This Time Too?
Come to think of it.
I had never once heard Unni ring the doorbell or knock on the door.
When had I even given her the passcode?
When had we first met?
Even those memories were far too hazy.
It was more like, at some point, Unni had simply started appearing behind me.
And I had accepted it as the most natural thing in the world.
Maybe the only reason I could do that was because, back then, I had been under so much mental strain.
And once I got used to it in that state, even after I started getting a little better recently, I never felt the slightest sense of wrongness about it.
But now.
Hearing what the viewers were saying and actually thinking it through—
all of it was starting to feel strange.
On top of that, if Unni was someone I could see but the viewers couldn't—
if she didn't even show up on camera—
"……Unni, are you a ghost?"
In the end, that was the only possibility I could come up with.
I had been scared of that kind of thing as a kid, sure, but growing up on jokes about the horizontal coordinate system and T. rexes, I had never given ghosts any serious thought.
But hey, there was no law saying ghosts absolutely couldn't exist.
What happens after you die—hasn't everyone wondered about that at least once?
Me, I had always hoped there wouldn't be an afterlife.
"Hm? Ahaha, ever seen a ghost as pretty as Unni?"
But Unni denied being a ghost.
More precisely, she hadn't flat-out said no.
Still, that was basically her way of saying she wasn't one.
I wanted to believe that too.
If Unni were a dead person, it would just be too sad, too painful.
It would mean no one else could see her but me.
That she only came around to hang out like this whenever she got bored.
……Looking back on it, though, the possibility that Unni really was a ghost only kept climbing higher.
"Unni says she's not a ghost."
If Unni said she wasn't, then she wasn't.
I wanted that to be true.
The viewers didn't seem particularly inclined to take my word for it, though.
The flavors of disbelief ran in every direction.
Some people simply didn't buy Unni's claim that she wasn't a ghost.
Others figured I was just talking to empty air right now.
And some went all the way to treating me like a psychiatric patient seeing things that weren't there.
……It didn't feel great, as you might expect.
Of course I understood that some people might find it unpleasant, thinking I was messing with them.
And telling me to go to the hospital—that wasn't them insulting me. It was coming from a place of genuine concern.
But still. Everyone was treating Unni like someone who didn't exist.
Like someone who shouldn't exist.
No—they weren't even thinking of her as a person to begin with.
And that was something I just couldn't accept so easily.
"Unni, are you a person?"
"……."
I wanted to believe Unni was a person.
No—honestly, even if she were a ghost, I wouldn't care.
When I had been living alone, when I had been under so much mental pressure, the one who had stayed by my side was this Unni.
Still, I asked just in case—and Unni didn't answer.
Was it because the question was too obvious? Or because she didn't want to say no?
Or maybe, just like the viewers said, if Unni was nothing more than a hallucination I had created—
maybe it was because I didn't want to hear any answer at all.
I didn't know.
By now, even turning around to look at Unni's face was frightening.
Whatever she was, Unni was a being only I could see.
And the thought of what might change if I looked at her face—that was what scared me.
No. Maybe it wouldn't even matter how her appearance changed.
I had become a woman, and I was still Noel.
Even if Unni's looks changed, even if her true nature was a ghost or a hallucination or whatever else—
the time we had spent together wouldn't just disappear.
It was simply that I was terrified of our relationship falling apart.
That was why I couldn't turn around, and why I couldn't ask any of the questions I had prepared in advance.
Yeah. All those questions had become completely useless.
Ah.
I should never have turned the camera on.
It would have been better if I had just gone on not knowing.
Scattered, jumbled thoughts tormented me, spinning my head into chaos.
And somewhere in the middle of that, I ended up venting even to the viewers who had always treated me so comfortably.
"To all of you, I might look like a crazy person……. Or maybe like a liar. If that's the case, then just think of me as a liar and listen. I don't actually know anything about this Unni. But every time I was really struggling, she came and became my support. When I was going through all that controversy over the nuke and everything else, when I was playing and my teammates started flaming me from the very beginning and it was just too much……."
As I spoke, the feelings from back then came flooding up, and my throat tightened.
At the time I had thought it was normal, so I figured it was nothing.
But now that I was this happy, I could see it clearly—back then really had been incredibly hard.
Maybe it was because there was a little moisture in my voice.
Still, the viewers were on my side—they offered me kind words.
Of course a few unpleasant comments slipped through, but the mods shut those down cleanly.
Yeah. Things were a lot better than they used to be.
With this many good people showing up for me, it would be ungrateful to just sit here being depressed.
But that didn't change how precious this Unni was to me.
So, even if it meant being a little selfish, I still wanted to ask.
"It's fine. Play enough League of Champions and you build up a tolerance for most flaming. Some of you might think I'm putting on a crazy act just to get attention, and hey, that's a fair take. If that's how it looks, you're welcome to think that. It's just—every time I was really struggling, I got through it because of this Unni. She gave me advice on what to do, too……. I don't know. I'm so confused. It really would have been better if I'd just kept living without knowing. What am I supposed to do?"
Unni was right behind me right now.
I knew she was sitting neatly on the bed.
Or maybe she had sprawled out however she liked, or was standing behind me watching the screen.
But I couldn't even form a thought about what I wanted her to do.
I didn't know what kind of reaction I wanted from her.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do either.
"All I want is to keep getting along with Unni from now on, too……."
"Back in the day I might have, honestly. Figured I should try it before I die. But I had no money and no idea how to even get any, so how would I have? And I have zero interest now. I actually want to live properly these days. Anyway, no, I haven't taken anything weird."
I had been ready to take the viewers' advice if I could.
The advice I had been hoping for was something like, well, as long as it isn't hurting anyone, what's the problem?
Honestly, that was what I had wanted to hear from the start. I had been hoping someone would say it.
Even being treated like I was mentally ill—I had figured that was fair enough.
If you saw something no one else could see, anyone would think that.
It was just that to me, whether Unni was a hallucination or a ghost didn't matter at all.
I would have been fine with the viewers thinking it was just a bit I was running.
So I had wanted to ask for their understanding and keep living with Unni the way I always had.
But this?
I needed treatment?
That would mean I wouldn't be able to see Unni anymore.
I didn't want that.
Separating from Unni.
She had looked after me longer than any of you had.
Who were you to tell me I had to leave her?
But you were precious to me too. And so was Unni.
I didn't want to lose either of you.
"……Anyway, that was just me messing around because we're playing a horror game. So? Did that creep you out a little?"
So I forced a smile onto my face and opened my mouth with deliberate lightness.
If it was a story too hard to believe anyway, I just had to make it so no one needed to believe it.
Write the whole thing off as a joke.
The heavy atmosphere unraveled in an instant, and chat erupted into noise again.
Relief at having protected Unni washed over me, and I slumped back into my chair.
Somehow, I had the feeling Unni was behind me, smiling as she watched.