Is It My Fault This Time Too?
Noel had always wondered when exactly she’d lost the ability to laugh.
Back when she was still male, Noel had been the kind of guy who pulled friends out for late-night adventures, even though she wasn’t naturally outgoing. Still, she made friends easily, cracked little jokes, and laughed out loud at them. The word “innocent” fit her perfectly. Raised in a home full of love, she had carried that same easy warmth to her friends.
Then the abuse came. The kind that broke that laugh for good.
And Gabi, her childhood friend and roommate, couldn’t stand to leave her like that.
Of course there was the old crush she used to carry for the male version of Noel—something that still lingered with the new one, even if the feelings themselves had changed. Between friends, gender didn’t matter. Even though the promise they’d made to stay together until adulthood had turned out to be nothing more than a childish vow.
Love wasn’t the only way to care for someone. There were so many different shapes it could take, and as long as hormones didn’t get in the way, maybe she could reach Noel with something even truer.
She told herself that. But the desire to be seen by her hadn’t faded.
So after she entered university and learned every trick from her makeup class, she used them all.
Her own mother had teased her about it, saying she was going out to meet boys. Gabi had only laughed and kept going.
Now she was a university student. Her parents had warned her during high school to save all that for college, and she’d kept her word. Nothing could stop her now. Not even when she told her parents she was visiting Noel—her parents didn’t say a word.
Gabi had been cheering for months, waiting for Noel to finally fall for her.
The reality was softer than she expected. Noel just smiled and said she looked pretty, nothing more.
When she’d been male, even the slightest glance toward her chest would have turned her face scarlet. But the eyes staring back at her now were calm, almost empty. A polite mask. Like she was simply returning the kindness she received.
No wonder she’d been wary of JaeMin at first. Could he really be trying to use her unstable state? But JaeMin had shown up as a friend, makeup-free and wearing nothing but a plain boxy tee and jeans.
She’d never done that before. She’d always dressed up to catch Noel’s eye.
So Gabi had stopped being suspicious.
Maybe alcohol had made it easier. Or maybe she’d simply wanted to see how he’d react.
Either way, Noel hadn’t noticed.
Gabi’s eyes never left her.
A mix of pity and regret for a girl who had suffered so much yet still chose to smile. The guilt of having enjoyed university life while the marks of abuse still lingered on Noel’s body.
Those complicated feelings were why she had been the first to catch the laugh.
It wasn’t her causing it, and the chatters calling it “white noise” annoyed her a little, but she was happy enough that her viewers could keep up.
Better to laugh than to hide a knife behind a smile.
Most of what her parents said made sense, yet university and dating still felt off to Gabi. She’d seen too many women managing their looks to attract guys and guys throwing themselves at her after one night. That cynicism had grown on her.
So middle- and high-school years, when her peers had been awkward and hormonal, had seemed almost pure by comparison.
That was why, when she learned Noel was streaming online, she hadn’t been sure how to feel. But if Noel was happy, maybe she could let it slide.
While she was still lost in sympathy for Noel’s pain, JaeMin—who had taken on the bartender role for the night—closed a soju bottle with a quiet clink.
“Hey, you two are pretty drunk. Let’s call it a night here.”
“Uh, do we look that bad?” Gabi asked, grinning.
“Yeah, you’re swaying all over the place.”
As JaeMin said it, Gabi realized the dizziness was real. She and Noel were both wobbling.
“Wow, we drank like it was juice. We already finished three sojus, right?”
“Noel had more. I made it with vodka.”
“Hmm, still, I drank a little less than you two. Not bad, right?”
Noel’s tongue was already getting clumsy. “You shouldn’t drink more. Aww, it’s so cute!”
But the alcohol had loosened something in Gabi.
Something that had been locked away since she became a woman.
Since Noel’s tongue had grown loose.
Without thinking, she pulled Noel into a hug.
The kind of touch she never would have dared with the male version of her.
Because even when her dad drank, he smelled like alcohol. But Noel… Noel smelled sweet.
So Gabi couldn’t pull away.
“Ugh, look at those soft arms. I want to bite one.”
“Don’t bite me! It hurts!”
“Oh, you can’t bite if it hurts. Noel can never hurt……”
Gabi, who couldn’t resist anything cute, was especially helpless against this.
Watching the way Gabi clung to her and Noel clung back without pushing her away, JaeMin let out a soft chuckle and started cleaning the table.
“Looks like tonight’s drinking session ends here. If I keep going I won’t make it home. Whew, no wonder people call these cocktails ‘lady-killer drinks.’ Just keep drinking because it tastes good and you’ll be gone in no time.”
“hehe, at least you got drunk at Noel’s place. What if you drank more and crashed here?”
“That’s… no. You two are fine, but I’m a guy. If I stay the night with girls, people will talk. I should get home.”
She was well aware she was a girl. Even if she wore a boxy tee, the shape of her body and the way she carried herself were obvious.
Yet here she was claiming to be male.
But the camera only caught the chicken, the table, and their hands holding the glasses.
JaeMin was clearly committed to staying in character.
Gabi, who didn’t watch the streams much, still knew the rules of the industry. The sight just made her feel sorry. The world was never truly equal. Men had certain advantages, and women had easier paths in some places. On streaming sites, girls who dressed up a little could get massive donations. Yet JaeMin had chosen to stream purely on skill.
She was walking the thorniest path, and Gabi couldn’t help cheering.
After all, wasn’t it cool?
Anyone with real conviction was bound to succeed.
Of course, the cheering came from a place of not wanting to disrespect Noel. If someone had tried to use her or made any move that hinted at more than friendship, Gabi would have ended the stream herself.
“Anyway, I should get going. Hey, feel free to eat fruit or snacks while you’re streaming. The chatters were worried you weren’t eating.”
Whether Gabi was listening or not, she quickly finished clearing the table, grabbed the fried-chicken wrappers and plastic containers, and stood up.
Her heart gave a little flutter.
Soon she would be truly alone with Noel. Just the two of them. No man, no woman—just two girls.
Maybe it was the alcohol.
“Ugh, I’m stuffed.”
“Then we can eat a few more later. Don’t go yet, I’ll throw this trash away and come back.”
“hehe, be careful. I have to stay and sleep at Noel’s.”
“Thanks. Take care… but Gabi, why are you planning to stay without even asking me?”
“Huh? You think I’d kick you out when I can barely walk? Hmph.”
“…Alright, then I’m off. Good night.”
“Waah, I’m hugging you to sleep!”
Noel sighed under the pressure, but she’d already been given permission.
Gabi lifted her in one swift motion.
Noel made a startled sound, “Eh?” yet didn’t push her away.
Thinking that was silent consent, Gabi’s chest filled with excitement.
She carried her straight to the bedroom.
But the weight in her arms was so light that the heat she’d been feeling quickly cooled.
…What was she doing, trying to do something bad to someone like this?
She should just hold her and sleep.
She carried her to the bed and jumped in together.
Noel was wrapped in her arms, and Gabi let out a sleepy laugh.
“hehe, did you spray Noel’s bed with air freshener? That sweet smell is so good…”
“… .”
Had she drunk something stronger than the others?
Gabi closed her eyes, already half-asleep, on the girl who hadn’t said a word.
She didn’t know that Noel’s face had flushed bright red behind her.
On the way home, JaeMin was tormented by sudden controversy.
“Ah, we ate really well. Fried chicken and tteokbokki are the perfect combo, right? Hey, but what’s all this ruckus about the donations?”
Someone was probably talking about her pretending to be a girl, but she hadn’t expected people to demand she reveal Noel’s and Gabi’s identities.
It turned out the chatters had been reacting to the fact that JaeMin had donated the remaining sponsorship money after giving Noel a wheelchair.
JaeMin’s memory wasn’t perfect, but she still remembered every fan nickname.
That controversy was laughable.
If she’d been bothered, she could have shouted at the people who hadn’t even donated and were making trouble.
But staying thin and long had always been her motto.
So she simply opened the donation site, took a screenshot, and posted it in her fan café.
Now the authenticity was clear, and the storm would die down.
The chatters might be noisy, but JaeMin just smiled and kept scrolling.