I've Been Doing This All Along, and I'll Keep Going
Alcohol seems to definitely cloud a person's reason.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to sleep in the same bed as Gabi.
…… When I tried to compose a sentence in my head, it felt strangely embarrassing, but...
Anyway, it means exactly what it says.
It doesn't mean anything else at all.
Well, on the surface, there might not even be anything weird about it.
Friends can get drunk together and rest for a bit, especially if they're the same gender.
With the opposite gender, that can cause some trouble, but between two people of the same gender, that doesn't happen.
The problem is that I still have the mind of a man.
Even if I were a man, I wouldn't have had bad intentions toward Gabi.
But she's a girl and so carefree and lacking in caution...!
That's the thought that kept crossing my mind.
So the presence of Gabi was making my heart race.
The warm breath blowing gently against my nape.
The something warm rubbing against my back because Gabi was hugging me from behind while I slept.
Or the subtle, refreshing scent that I couldn't tell apart from perfume or her body odor, felt on every part where our skin touched.
If it had been some random stranger on the street who just lightly brushed against me, it wouldn't have been an issue.
But it was Gabi, the one I've faced since childhood.
That Gabi lying there so defenseless behind me was making my heart beat wildly.
This shouldn't be happening.
I can no longer be with Gabi.
I don't understand why my heart is racing like this.
It was even embarrassing that the pounding might be reaching Gabi, so I couldn't even move my body properly.
Thank goodness Gabi had hugged me from behind.
I wouldn't have to show my flushed face.
So how did we end up in this situation?
When I tried to recall what happened before I fell asleep, it was actually something I had started myself.
I hadn't shown how drunk I was.
So Gabi had carried me up, saying I needed to rest.
I had been lifted up like a kitten bitten by its mother, quietly moved to the bed.
That had actually been the last chance I had to shake off Gabi's hand.
After just picking me up because I was drunk, I had lain down and stayed that way.
It was wrong to do.
Even if I had to give Gabi the bed and sleep on the living room sofa, we should have been apart.
But we ended up lying in the same bed.
My heart was racing for no reason, and it was becoming hard to see Gabi as just my childhood friend I've always gotten along with.
Actually, even when I was a man, I wasn't completely indifferent to Gabi.
I wasn't crazy about her or anything, but she was pretty, and as I grew older, she had become more feminine.
As a man, I couldn't help but feel something for her.
But my father and mother had told me that as long as I went to a good university, I could do whatever I wanted with love.
So I had just suppressed my emotions while focusing on my studies.
Now that Gabi was stirring my heart like this, I realized the feelings I had once heard from her sister were just admiration.
It hadn't made my heart race, nor had it been this intense.
But wasn't it wrong to light up those suppressed feelings now?
Love?
If I brought such feelings to Gabi, it would only make me suffer.
Since my body was that of a woman, we couldn't continue anyway.
As long as I could just stay as her close friend like this, that would be enough for me.
If Gabi started dating another man and even made marriage plans, I would be heartbroken, but I would still have to celebrate.
……Actually, once we got used to university life, I had even thought about confessing.
Did I really need to date other girls?
There was Gabi, who was pretty, kind, and matched well with me.
But if I dated her and then it didn't work out, I would lose my closest friend, so I had been watching from the sidelines.
Yeah, it was a good thing I hadn't confessed back then.
Now that I was a woman, there was no chance of awkwardness with an ex-partner from a breakup.
Yeah, as long as I didn't lose my precious friend, I could be satisfied with that.
This racing heart would get better with time.
So, I should keep quiet and swallow it down.
It was actually a good thing, too.
If I had been a man, the only way to stay friends with Gabi for life would have been marriage.
If we dated and broke up, that would be the end.
If I didn't confess at all and Gabi got married, even a male friend wouldn't contact her to avoid interfering with her family.
I had never dated anyone, but I was only twenty, and I had heard enough from articles and stories of adults around me to know that much common sense.
But now that I was a woman, I could stay friends with Gabi regardless of whether she got married or not.
When I thought about it like that, it almost seemed like the best outcome.
In the end, I just needed to keep my feelings to myself.
So I shouldn't show it.
We hadn't done anything wrong while drunk; we had just gotten drunk and collapsed together.
The only thing was that the place had been the bed.
So I gathered my heart and tried to fall asleep while waiting for Gabi to wake up.
"Mmm."
Gabi's hand had clenched into a fist.
And the place where that hand was located was, of all things, on my chest.
……Of course, it was because the arm that was under my waist had been spread out on the bed, just lying there.
Since Gabi had hugged me, one arm was draped over my side.
From that draped arm, the hand had slid down...
Touching my chest.
Unless I was bathing, there was no need to touch that area.
After all, there was no volume, and I had never thought deeply about my chest before.
Maybe because someone else's hand was touching my chest.
Or maybe the grip that lightly squeezed my chest was too ruthless.
Or maybe, of all things, the hand that touched my chest belonged to Gabi.
I unconsciously made a sound that I had never even let out with my own mouth.
"Hyat?!"
"W-what? What is this sound? Mmm, why is it so tingly...?"
That was why Gabi had woken up too.
The problem was that even if she had just woken up, it would have been fine.
But the situation hadn't been clear, and instead, Gabi had put more strength into her hand on mine.
The hand that had just been fidgeting was now deliberately groping my chest.
Because of that, Gabi's body rubbing against my back and arm became clearer.
I couldn't even clear my mind for a long time, unable to breathe properly there.
Suddenly, Gabi's hand stopped.
"Eh, um. Is it you, Noel?"
Seeing my name mentioned made it clear that she already knew and was asking.
But what could I say to that? I couldn't tell her I was the fairy of the kitchen coming to take revenge on failed dishes.
So I had to answer.
"……Yeah."
"Aaaah! S-sorry. I thought you were just my doll that I was hugging and sleeping with...! Ow!"
After all, she had already asked after knowing.
Right after I answered, Gabi had recoiled in surprise and stepped back.
At the same time, a thud came from behind.
For a moment, I felt sorry that the warmth and coziness that had been close to my back had disappeared.
When I lifted my body and looked back to see what the sound was, Gabi was holding her back, groaning in pain.
"……Are you okay? It sounded like you hit it pretty hard."
"Ugh, it feels like my brain is cracking... Did I get a hangover too? My head hurts inside and out."
I was fine, but why was Gabi suffering like this?
It wasn't like she was trying to show off her drinking; objectively, Gabi should have drunk less alcohol than me.
I had drunk a cocktail based on vodka, and Gabi had drunk a cocktail mixed with soju.
But the amount one can drink varies between people.
Just last time, when I drank neat vodka, I had blacked out and hadn't even played games.
So I had to find a way to relieve her hangover.
At least hydration was important.
Last time, drinking warm soup had helped a bit.
"Eh, I'll get you some water first. Um, should I boil some ramen?"
That was the simple logic I had come up with.
Gabi had combed her hair with her fingers and smiled, her eyes crinkling.
"Ehehe. Is that you flirting with me?"
My heart had almost stopped.
The thought that Gabi had been this pretty all along.
And the tiniest hope that she might be giving me a chance.
But no, it was obviously a joke.
Even when I was a man, I hadn't openly said anything lewd, but Gabi had secretly made such jokes while watching my reaction with amusement.
"Don't say things like that to me. It can be misunderstood by the listener."
"Aigoo, I don't say that to other people. And what is there to misunderstand?"
Yeah, it was a good thing that at least I didn't do that in front of others.
I ignored my trembling chest and got out of bed.
Immediately, Gabi reached under my armpit and lifted me up.
"Here, Chef. I'll take you to the kitchen!"
"……I can go by myself. Put me down."
"Aigoo, even someone being taken care of like this should do at least this much."
Of course I was walking and it would be uncomfortable, so she was trying to help.
But using the excuse of boiling ramen, she was trying not to burden me, and my chest ached.
Yeah, that's how it had always been between us.
Even when we cared for each other, we didn't show off.
Instead, if the other person seemed to be burdened, we would deliberately make a joke to cover it up.
That's how our relationship had always been.
And it would continue like that in the future.
I hoped so.