I Opened Hell
When I planted myself behind Lee Suho and stared dead into the mirror, he—who had been looking into that very same mirror—caught sight of me and nearly jumped out of his skin.
"Wh-what the—! Noona!! Why did you follow me in here!?"
"To make sure you actually brush your teeth properly."
Pushing the bathroom door a little wider open, I crossed my arms, kept my eyes locked on Lee Suho's mouth as reflected in the mirror, and urged him on.
"Hurry up. I need to brush and get to bed too."
"Uh. Th-then you go first, Noona! Go ahead!"
I kept pressing him even though his toothbrush didn't have a speck of toothpaste on it yet, and he spun around to face me, practically shouting. "Really? You're sure?"
Good. I'd been feeling kind of iffy about it anyway.
For someone like me, who'd long made a habit of brushing right after every meal, it was welcome news.
"Then I'll go first. Where do you keep the toothpaste?"
I took the toothbrush from him, wet it, and looked around for the toothpaste, but it was nowhere in sight.
"It's up on the sink there."
"...It's not. Seriously—just how long have you gone without brushing, that you don't even know where your own toothpaste is?"
"I brush every day!! Oh—wait, it's under the sink. I guess it fell down there."
He shouted back, looking thoroughly offended by my jab, then pointed at the floor, apparently having spotted it.
...Why on earth is this sink so low...?
"Ow, ow..."
Bending at the waist alone wasn't going to cut it. Out of pure habit I let loose a stream of half-dying noises and went digging beneath the sink on all fours until, at long last, I found it. If I'd tried to stand up as I was, I'd have cracked my head on the basin, so I crawled back out the way I'd come in before rising.
"Ugh... that was a pain to find."
I popped upright, squeezed toothpaste onto the brush, and stuck it in my mouth—and then came a rustling sound at my back.
"What are you doing?"
Lee Suho was standing in front of the bathroom door, leaning slightly backward, turned away from me. I couldn't make sense of the sight, so I called out to him, and he flinched hard, whirling back around to face me.
My hair was hanging annoyingly across my field of vision, so I gathered it in one hand and stared at him dead-on.
Having decided that this guy, who clearly never brushed properly, needed lessons starting from square one, I leaned forward a little to demonstrate and called to him.
"Su-o-yah."
With the toothbrush still in my mouth the words came out mangled, and only after a beat did he seem to realize I was calling his name. "Y-yes! ...Yes."
"Mm-hair. Hohd id fohr be."
Whether he'd actually managed to decode that garble or simply taken the hint, Lee Suho took the handful of hair I'd raked together with my fingers and held it for me, gazing up at my face.
Ah. He probably can't see well from down there.
For his sake—him being on the shorter side—I sat astride the bathroom threshold and opened my mouth as wide as it would go. Even seated, my head came up to around his waist; whether that meant I was tall or he was short, I couldn't say, but surely showing him like this would make things visible enough.
"Dath how you do it, mm... like dith... like dith, you gotta brush every little corner real good. Undersdood?"
I could feel his gaze fixed on my mouth, so, satisfied he was watching closely, I kept brushing for a while like a teacher walking a student through it, explaining as I went.
Whether the brushing itself looked difficult, or whether he thought I was being far too meticulous about it, the back of Lee Suho's neck kept flushing as he stared at me.
Ah. Or maybe it's because whatever he choked on earlier hasn't fully gone down yet?
"Aaah~ ptoo."
Deciding I'd demonstrated plenty, I stood and spat into the sink. I filled the cup hanging beside the basin, gargled, then bent forward a little toward the mirror—mounted just below my eye level—and checked how clean my teeth had come.
Mm. That's dentist-brochure material right there. Perfect!
"Lee Suho. You can let go of my hair now."
"...Y-yes! Yes!"
When I called out to him—still off in la-la land with his hand wrapped in my hair—he snapped to attention and answered like a raw recruit. Something about it was so strange that I stared at him, hard.
Then, to show off the finished product—teeth in peak post-brushing condition—I leaned in a little closer than before and opened wide.
"There. Aaah~ wook, wook."
Mouth open toward Lee Suho where he stood staring back at me, I tugged my cheek aside with a finger to show even the inner surfaces the flesh had been hiding, then spoke.
"See? This is how clean you have to brush. Got it?"
"...Huh? Wh... what?"
"What, you didn't watch properly? I showed you my whole routine, step by step, didn't I?"
The devil who had cornered me so relentlessly earlier and rammed through that absurd contract was nowhere to be found; in his place sat a docile little lamb. A snort escaped me.
"Mm... no... uh... I did watch."
"Right. Then hurry up and go brush. I'm going ahead to lie down."
The bathroom light was still on, so figuring it wouldn't hurt to get the rest of the lights out of the way first, I switched off the living room. Then I sank into the bed as though melting into it, pulled the covers up, and stared at the ceiling. I was still wondering how long I'd end up living this absurd new life when sleep took me first.
No alarm went off—my phone, it seemed, hadn't followed me here. Strangely enough, though, I felt so refreshed that I seemed to have woken a little earlier than my usual mornings. I checked the time on the phone Lee Suho had given me: seven a.m. Neither especially early nor especially late. If it really came down to it, I could always drive him in myself, I figured.
Since I was up first, I decided to feed Lee Suho before he left for work—and to get some breakfast into myself while I was at it—so I opened the fridge to see what ingredients might do for a morning meal. The moment it swung open, something threatened to come tumbling out, and I slammed it shut again. But my reflexes must have dulled along with everything else, because something broth-like had already splashed across the clothes I was wearing.
"Ugh... and I don't exactly have a change of clothes right now..."
Forcing down the gross, clammy feeling, I shut the door of hell just as its seal was about to give way, then leaned my whole weight into it and sealed it a second time, hard. A double seal like that ought to hold.
Not that I could simply never look inside again. With the fridge sealed and the immediate fire put out, I stepped into the room that appeared to be the laundry room, peeled off my stained boxy tee, and tossed it into the hamper. Then I returned to the kitchen and, just as I had yesterday, pressed open the fridge's home-bar panel for some water and set the glass down on the floor.
One deep breath later, I gave the hellscape a careful scan. Eggs, and a bundle of scallions with more than half the stalks ruined—unless I was missing something, that was the entire usable inventory. Right. Fried rice again to get by for now. Grocery run tonight, and from tomorrow, meals that actually deserve the name.
Having surveyed the fridge from hell, I opened the cupboard next to take stock of the dishware that had horrified me in person just the day before. Instant rice was piled into a small mountain—apparently he never bothered cooking rice separately. Most of the dishes were slick with rancid grease, and a few were chipped here and there. It all brought back my own days as a clueless first-timer living alone, when I hadn't managed a single thing, and I nearly teared up on my own behalf.
You little punk. So that's why you asked me to keep house for you. But housework is the kind of thing you only get good at by actually doing it...
I mulled it over for a moment, but the answer came quickly. Right. I'll just teach him how to run a house, nice and slow.
Mind made up, I gave a small nod, then crept over to the bed and shook awake Lee Suho, who lay with his back to me, facing the wall.
"Hey. Lee Suho! Get up."
"Mmgh..."
Talking clearly wasn't going to do it, so before resorting to shaking him, I flung open the curtains on the far side of the bed. The building must have been tall, because downtown Seoul sprawled out below in full view, and I stood there gawking at it for a moment. Judging by what I could see, the company building where I'd first met him wasn't all that far from here.
An apartment in a high-rise in the middle of Gangnam? Even renting a place like this would cost a fortune... I suppose he really is a CEO...?
As if to deny me even a moment's reverie, Lee Suho started snoring again right beside me. Deciding he would have to be woken, I grabbed him by the side and shook him back and forth for all I was worth.
"Hey! Get up! You've got to eat and get to work. You said there's no driver today, remember? Hey, hey! The way those streets look, you'll be taking the subway, won't you?"
"Nngh... N-Noona... five more minutes...!"
"Fine. Exactly five minutes. If you're still not up after that, well, I have my ways... Brr, it's cold!"
I'd been rummaging around in the fridge, taking its chill full-on in nothing but my bare skin, and now I was shivering from head to toe.
Rustle.
Almost the instant the word cold left my mouth came the sound of blankets stirring, as Lee Suho sat up blearily, rubbing at his eyes.
I'd been toying with the idea of scooping some water into a cup to dribble onto his face bit by bit, and I was nearly to the kitchen when he sputtered out behind me:
"...Huh? Wh... what!? Noona, why... your clothes... where did you put them!"
I turned around to find Lee Suho, face scarlet, squawking like a startled bird.
What's gotten into him...? He lives alone; he probably lounges around in nothing at all half the time anyway.
"Uh... something spilled when I opened the fridge earlier. It felt gross, so I took it off...? Mm. Well, you're up now, so I guess there's no need."
"...N-no need to... to what? Do what?"
"If you don't get up next time... you'll find out then. For now, go wash your face. There's not much to work with, but I'll fix breakfast—eat, brush your teeth, and head to work."
"Wow... this is like... you know what."
"Can't hear a word you're saying."
Lee Suho shook his head and got up. "No, I mean—you told me to use whatever I needed, but... um, could you... maybe... go easy on the water?"
"Stingy, much? It's not like it's gone forever once you use it."
And here I'd been about to dump a cup of water on him. Isn't that a bit much?
That irritatingly perceptive punk must have caught on that I'd been planning to douse him—hence the sudden sermon about conserving water. Like he's some nineties kid who grew up on public-service announcements about national water shortages.
Lee Suho, who had been staring blankly at me all this while, shook his head again and heaved a sigh. "...Yes... haah."
"What are you sighing for? What? Is something on me again? You just thought I was a mess, didn't you? Huh?"
I growled it at Lee Suho as he glanced back and forth at me, but he feigned deafness and made for the bathroom, and I gave his retreating backside a friendly pat as he went.
"Aigoo, isn't it nice how well you listen? Hurry up and wash so you can come out."
I'd rolled the duvet into a rough bundle, but watching Lee Suho trudge off to the bathroom, I grumbled under my breath and spread it back out. "Fold your own blanket properly, will you? What am I, his maid..."
"Noona, did you say something?"
"Huh? Nooo~ nothing at all~~"
The sound of running water told me he was at least washing up properly. To have the meal ready the moment he came out, I turned on the gas range and tied on an apron. Whoa! Without this apron I'd have been fried in that oil. Good grief.
The oil spat up threateningly enough to make me jump, but I was already wearing the kitchen's finest line of defense, so I finished everything I'd set out to cook without further incident. A quick fried egg and egg fried rice, laid out on the table—then I stretched out on the bed and roughed out a plan for the day. ...With nothing but eggs on hand, there was only so much I could make. When I do the shopping, I really need to stock up properly...
And for that, I'd have to clear out that hell completely before the day was done. First, every last dish out of the cupboard and washed by midday, then a start on the fridge. There was a mountain of work to cram into a single day, and the hours were strictly rationed. With a schedule so tight that every minute felt precious, I needed to get moving as fast as I could.
So, giving myself a mental pep talk and sorting through the day's tasks in my head, I plugged the sink drain and ran the warm water to begin on the dishes.