World Conquest Starting with a Parfait
I still couldn't wrap my head around it. As I walked down the corridor, I looked down at the crumpled scrap of paper Articetia had handed me.
"Hrm..."
My eyes flicked back and forth. The discount coupon. Articetia's receding back. The coupon. Articetia's back.
A hero's keepsake, of all things. I never would have imagined it in my wildest dreams. Why on earth would she give me this... Well. As awkward as the coupon was, the situation I was in right now was a whole lot worse.
Zombies and headless knights crowded close on our heels. Noir and Durakh Han walked abreast on either side of me. Hongryeon was attending Articetia, which meant she wasn't at my side. Well... that tracked. Articetia had assigned her as my watcher, so that was the picture that made sense. But why was everyone so quiet? I couldn't make sense of it. Yeah, of course I couldn't. Anyone looking at this would think she'd marched an army in here to hold me accountable. And instead we were... touring the Super-science Dungeon? What the hell was even going on here...
As if on cue, Articetia stopped. She pointed at the maglev platform.
Ohh! Was this finally my chance to escape from between these two thugs?
I skipped forward like a ballet dancer.
"Hiyohohot! An excellent question, Lady Articetia!!"
My scientist's lab coat flared wildly as I slid to a stop in front of the platform.
"This, if I may present it, is the Suuuuper Hyperloop!! Pum puuuu!!"
I bobbed my head forward and back, mimicking a steam locomotive. In truth, it existed in a completely different dimension from those relics of the past.
"Seoul to Busan in just! Eight! Minutes! A vacuum superconducting maglev train! A speed of no less than three thousand kilometers per hour! A lance of iron tearing across the earth at Mach 2.5! This is what scientific progress looks like!! Kihihihihit!!"
Articetia stared at me blankly. Then, slowly, she wrote.
...That was the easy version.
If I unpacked the principles of room-temperature superconductors and vacuum tubes on top of that, she would definitely faint. But a man has to stay humble. Otherwise you die. No—even if you die, you'll probably die again!
I snapped my fingers. Tak!
"Simply put! It's a ridiculously fast train! Hiyohhohot!"
Only then did Articetia nod. The doors of the Super Hyperloop slid open. I bowed politely at the waist and gestured inside.
"Would you care to experience it yourself?"
Articetia boarded the train without a word, her face expressionless. I threw both hands up toward the knights filing in behind her.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I understand the desire to remain at the side of the peerless beauty that is Lady Articetia for all eternity! Unfortunately, however, there is a capacity limit."
I winked. Cute. Adorable.
"So if you would kindly take the next train, for the sake of this handsome face of mine! Thank you! Heh!"
Fuck. Did someone just half-draw their sword? What's wrong with my face? I even slicked my hair back with wax!
Noir adjusted his monocle. He looked over the sleek, curved body of the train.
"This train's destination, if I may ask? Massat."
My hand snapped west like a gunshot.
"Straight ahead! West! The west coast, roughly midway between Korea and China! About two hundred kilometers! We'll be there in five minutes! I've got the sky fortress Orbis tucked away there, nice and snug! Hiyohhohohot!"
"A fortress... so this is the structure that invaded the human realm recently, I take it."
Invaded. That word made me flinch. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned going to Orbis.
"If you would prefer...!"
I spun on my heel, bent sideways at the waist, and pointed east.
"We can go to Dokdo instead! Plenty of undersea resources over that way, so I drilled a few holes in advance! Kishishishi!"
I made a circle with my thumb and index finger and poked another finger in and out of it. I knew it was vulgar. But that was the mad-doctor act... If I wanted to squash the treason charge, I had to hammer home that I'd always been a lunatic! Ah, so he was always a nutjob? That kind of vibe? Damn it!
From the train window, my eyes met Articetia's.
Eek! Don't glare at me like that! Those cross-shaped patterns in your pupils are terrifying!
Krrrk—
Blue letters crawled across the glass.
Now she was threatening me outright. Fine, fine. I'm going.
I rolled one hand in a flourish and bowed at the waist like a gentleman.
"Engineer Massat, at your service! Wherever Lady Articetia wishes to go, I shall deliver her there without fail! Kihihihihit!!"
I minced aboard the train, slipped into the engine room, buckled my safety belt, switched on the microphone, and cleared my throat.
"Ahem! Aaah! Mic test! This train will glide along the undersea magnetic field at three! Thousand! Kilometers per hour."
I seized the red lever.
"Destination: the sky fortress Orbis! During operation, do not! Under any circumstances! Open the windows! Not that there are any windows that open to begin with! Kishishishishit!"
I shoved the lever forward.
Wioooooong—
The train lifted, weightless, off the rails.
"Departure in three, two, one... Suuuuper Hyperloop. Shoot! Pum puuuu!!"
Kuuuung!!
My back slammed into the seat. Acceleration crushed my whole body flat. My head snapped backward. And yet the cabin was silent. Zero vibration, even at Mach 2.5. Courtesy of the vacuum tube and the superconductors. This was Massat Science!
The walls and ceiling ran together in a single sheet of transparent glass. Being under the sea, though, it was too dark to see much of anything. I checked Articetia on the CCTV. Her face was still blank.
"Hmmm..."
She hadn't killed me on the spot. Even after calling it treason... Was she testing my abilities? Weighing whether I was too useful to throw away? In that case...
Maybe I should put on a little show? You never know. She might spare me for being cute...
I eased the lever down. The speed bled away until we were drifting along like a leisurely undersea cruise. I left the engine room and walked over to her.
"I suspected Lady Articetia might grow bored, so this Massat prepared a modest little something. Ksssss..."
I snapped my fingers. Tak!
The cyborgs of the Mecha Legion cut across the seafloor, lights mounted on their frames, swarming in from every direction. Thousands of points of light turned the ocean floor bright as day. Schools of crabs laid out in a red carpet. Flounder and rays driving hard through the water. A silver flash of anchovies. Seaweed and coral glowing like a palace under the sea.
I stole a glance at Articetia. Still expressionless.
Durakh Han pressed the head in his hand right up against the window.
"Whoa... seein' the ocean floor with my own two eyes is a first in my life... nah, even after I died."
Yes! That was a normal reaction!
"Hrm..."
As expected of the Lord of the Underworld... I guess she was on another level. Good thing I'd prepped a Plan B!
I clicked the remote in my lab-coat pocket, tapping out Morse code. Beep. Bee-beep. Bee-bee-beep.
Missiles erupted from the Mechabots' backs. The instant thousands of warheads split the water, Noir mistook it for an attack and lurched to his feet in alarm. But my plan was aimed somewhere else entirely.
The missiles detonated beneath the sea.
Fwoooom! Baboom!!
Red strontium. Green copper. Yellow sodium. Violet potassium. A magnesium-based fireworks display painted a galaxy of every color across the dark.
I sat down in front of Articetia as she watched the lights.
"It is embarrassing to display such a paltry trick—aping the cosmos itself—before Lady Articetia, who has transcended even death. If it is not to your liking, we shall proceed to Orbis at once. Kssss..."
She rolled her eyes toward me, then turned them back to the window. She tapped the glass lightly. Blue letters bloomed.
She doesn't dislike it? So that means she doesn't like it either? Tsk. Ambiguous.
I pulled the discount coupon from my lab-coat pocket.
"Then perhaps you like this?"
A parfait... I still had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Was she telling me to buy her one?
Articetia finally turned her head. She looked down at the coupon.
A slender finger poked the coupon. Blue smoke curled up from the paper, and something shimmered into view like a mirage.
A female hero, smiling as she ate a parfait. But that happy smile soon faded away.
So she'd set foot in the Mausoleum Temple and died. The worst possible ending... a bad end... Would I end up the same way?
A cold premonition was just starting to crawl up my spine when—
That single sentence stunned everyone. Noir dropped his monocle.
"Lady Articetia. Have you truly made your decision?"
Hongryeon's lenses froze in place. Durakh Han's eyeballs were a heartbeat from popping out of his skull.
Fuck. What was she trying to pull? How does a parfait lead to world conquest?!
I had to stop that, no matter what. I couldn't let the worst ending—the world burning to ash—arrive any sooner. And least of all by my own hand!
First, laugh like a maniac.
"Kihihihihit! I have been waiting for those words! Starting with this world, to the edge of the cosmos, beyond this incomplete dimension itself! We shall plant the banner of the Mausoleum Temple in every place where space exists!!"
I clenched a fist. Then let it fall, limp.
"Regrettably, however, Orbis currently has a damaged outer hull from a hero assault. With stealth functionality limited, a sortie in this condition would see us intercepted by heroes!"
I raised my index finger and added one more line.
"One month! Give me just one month, and I shall unveil the worst nightmare this world has ever seen—a sea of fire!! Kishishishishit!!"
Buy time. Any way I can. And in that window, contact the Hero Association.
But Articetia was not so easily handled.
A single sentence. Cold and perfectly clear.
I froze with my index finger still in the air. What did that mean...? Had my plan worked? Were we heading back, Articetia?
"Aah... unfortunately, the vacuum tube to the Mausoleum Temple is currently under construction."
My eyes darted left and right.
"The only destinations presently accessible are Seoul, Gangwon Province, Busan, and Dokdo. Therefore, I shall summon Elise for the return journey."
Please just go home. Please help me out here, for the sake of world peace. God, Buddha, Jesus, Confucius... Please.
But as is the way of the world... life never goes according to plan.
Articetia wrote a single word.
Ah, shit.
We're fucked.