The Weight of a Thousand Lives
She had been raised by parents who were devout believers, taught from a young age that one must always help others. The theory was simple: if you extended kindness and favor to others, that same goodwill would eventually find its way back to you. Yoo Soyeon had lived by that value, spending her entire youth in a life of constant concession. Even when the world collapsed—when gates suddenly tore open in the sky and Seoul was swallowed by a miniature black hole—she had tried to hold onto that conviction.
"...Would you like to eat this?"
"....Ah— bread... It's bread...!!"
"Oh, I still have plenty, so..."
"Get out of the way—!!"
Thwack—!
In the face of starvation, the rational entity known as a human being could no longer exist. In her first life, she had advocated for a life of moderation, continuing her volunteer work at a nearby church until she was stabbed to death by a vagrant who had targeted her for her food supplies.
"....Uh, huh?"
A dark back alley. In a place littered with blood and piles of meat that were impossible to distinguish as human or beast, she opened her eyes once more.
"...How. How did this...."
She walked aimlessly, lost in thought. The familiar alleyway. The church she had called home. After days of contemplation, Yoo Soyeon realized she possessed the ability to regress infinitely from the moment of her death. And so, she began her second life. Even then, Yoo Soyeon believed that humanity could be saved. As she repeated her lives, the bizarre and strange ability known as Mana became second nature, and before long, she became the most renowned Awakener on the Korean Peninsula. The Saint. Yoo Soyeon. However, even that reputation could not change a world that had already been twisted beyond repair.
"Snap out of it—! That’s human flesh....!! Damn it... that’s your boyfriend!!!"
Murder, arson, rape, robbery... the government had long since collapsed. Outside, monsters—the byproducts of the massive Outer Gods—roamed freely, and the world had been stained by an apocalypse where neighborhood militias formed only to extort tolls and food.
"...Sister, we, too, now have to..."
"....."
She loathed humanity. It wasn't until her twentieth life that she realized the life she had spent constantly conceding and giving to others was entirely futile. The people who approached her were either power-hungry figures looking to exploit the name "Yoo Soyeon," or monsters who wanted to pin her down, obsessed with her body and appearance.
Twenty-third life. She committed her first murder. She had sliced down a terrorist who would have claimed thousands of lives in a single stroke.
"....Ah, the blood...."
The color of the blood that touched her skin was not red. It was black sludge. Simply put, it meant that she had begun to lose her mind as early as her twenty-third life.
"....Hic."
"....Eh, Soyeon-ssi. You're doing it again... I told you it's embarrassing."
"...Haa, hup....."
"You're not a baby, are you...."
"....Jinu-ssi, if I smell you. I feel okay. If I hear your voice. My heart. It feels at ease...."
"...Carrying you like a princess is pretty tiring, you know. How much longer do you think we have to do this?"
"....Uung, just a little. More...."
The broken regressor's mind was merely clinging to existence through the singular emotion of obsession for one man.
---
"Hmph.... You're getting a bit woozy now, aren't you? Jinu-sunbae."
".....Ugh."
Jinu's body slumped slightly, his head resting against the table as he collapsed.
".....Eh."
"....Ugh. I'm dying. Are you really sure this is your first time drinking?"
"....Maybe I've had a little bit in the past...?"
It was the limit. If she drank any more, she might release the reason she had been struggling to suppress. She could manage the desire to raise him as a doll that looked only at her. She set down her beer glass, wearing a bright, beaming smile, and pressed her body even closer to his.
Flinch—!
A reaction of pulling his waist back, startled by the sudden physical contact. ...It was the reaction she had expected. After all, she and Kim Jinu were not yet anything to each other.
'If I act too aggressively, I might end up self-harming like before. For now... let's approach him as naturally as possible.'
"....Jinu-sunbae."
"....Yeah. I'm listening, junior."
"The word 'sunbae,' it feels really nice to say."
"....This is the first time I've been called sunbae this year, too."
Kim Jinu's expression, as he looked at her with a dazed face, was already softening. Because Jinu had always been a lightweight with alcohol, Yoo Soyeon had been deliberately plying him with drinks to make him intoxicated.
"This place is incredibly boring."
"...To think you'd realize that already. You've gained enlightenment already, for a freshman."
No one else was looking their way. Yoo Soyeon leaned against his shoulder, which had slumped slightly from the intoxication, and whispered slowly into his ear.
"...Shall we head out first?"
"Ah, I see... Ugh. I didn't know. So it was you I bumped into at the waiting room..."
Even so, the question didn't leave my mind. What was the fundamental reason she was so desperate to meet me that she even followed me to college? ...I'm pretty good at self-objectification. The scenario where she fell in love with me at first sight had long since been crushed, and as for meeting when we were young... I could count on one hand the number of times I'd hung out with girls.
"....But, have we ever met before?"
"....."
"S-sorry. Even if we knew each other in the past, I have a personality where I forget things like that a lot...."
"...."
"......"
"....Yes. We've known each other for a very, very long time."
".....Ah."
Crazy. I couldn't believe it was actually true. I spun my head, trying to drag up memories of the past, but it was futile.
"...Were we sunbae-junior in middle or high school?"
"No, it wasn't like that."
"...."
"....Hehe. Are you curious about me?"
She had a look that suggested there was a story. If I said the wrong thing here, I felt like I'd hurt her, so the most important thing was to keep my mouth shut while drunk.
"Maybe I've become a little curious."
"....Why?"
"Because you were the one who spoke to me first. Usually, loners really like the people who talk to them first."
"....Di, did you.... Did you come to like me?"
"You don't have to use honorifics. Yeah? Ah, well. I thought you'd be the same type as me, but you're surprisingly good at talking and you're likable."
"......"
Ah, my head is spinning. Honestly, I don't even know what I'm saying, but I just hope she doesn't cause any trouble. I walked along in silence, and when I turned back because I couldn't feel her presence, I found her standing still without a word.
"Oh, junior, your face is completely red. You acted like you weren't drunk, but are you actually as wasted as I am?"
".....Th, that. Ugh, no... nothing."
"Why are you covering your face? Are you feeling nauseous or something? Well... I threw up my guts the first time I drank, too."
"....Get away, wait, get away from me..."
"Ah, okay."
I guess there's no girl who wants to show someone she's vomiting. There wasn't any sound, but a moment later, she tapped my shoulder and started walking again. The cold night air wrapped around me, making me feel even more lethargic.
"Did you know, junior? This is the first time in my life I've walked and talked alone with a girl."
"....."
"Even if she's not a girlfriend.... I had a thought that I wanted to make at least one female friend. It's surprisingly not bad now that it's happened."
"...Friend..."
"Ah, did I get too ahead of myself? Can't you be my friend?"
"....Pfft."
"....Don't laugh. I gathered a lot of courage to say that."
"I approached you in the first place because I wanted to get closer."
"...."
"...."
Geez, she keeps saying things in such a strange atmosphere that it makes people misunderstand. I cleared my throat, turned my head away, and started walking along the promenade again.
"More than that, which way did you say your house was? I'm going this way—"
Thump—!
My body, which had been walking with a pigeon-toed gait, caught on a stone and I lost my balance and fell. ...Did I scrape my knee a little? I brushed my knee with my hand and saw a little blood. It didn't look like a deep scrape, just a bit of skin torn from rubbing against the asphalt.
'....Wow. I seriously want to die.'
I awkwardly brushed off my legs and stood up. Not only was I talking about sex in the elevator yesterday, but now I was performing physical comedy. I had no idea how far my image could plummet.
"....Ouch... My body isn't moving well. I think I'm pretty drunk, you can go ahead—"
Thwack—!
"....."
"....Soyeon-ssi?"
....Huh? What is this atmosphere? The fox-like junior who had been smiling brightly and full of composure was gone, and standing before my eyes was a person whose face had turned completely white.
".....Ah—"
"...Ah, it's okay. It's just bleeding a little, and.... you don't have to worry too much—"
"....Ah, ah, le, leg.... "
"....Junior?"
"Bl, blood.... Ah, ah, how... how do I, what do I...."
....What is this, why is she like this? Her reaction was crossing the line. It wasn't empathy born from worrying about someone else's pain, but a state of panic stemming from a massive trauma.
"Soyeon-ssi."
"119, 119, I, phone.... Call the—"
"Yoo Soyeon!!!"
".....Hic."
She sat there, staring blankly at my face. Because the sudden situation had sobered me up instantly, I pried her hands, which were clutching my collar as if to tear it, off me and spoke in a firm voice.
"...I think you're very drunk. I'll call you a taxi."