Red Pill (3): Bathing Feels Great
A year ago, I definitely would have had at least that positive thought. If I'd been my old self, anyway. But when I woke up that morning, unlike the night before, I felt refreshed all over. My whole body was nice and dry, and my hair carried that pleasant shampoo scent.
"Smells nice, huh? The nurses sometimes leave communal shampoo in the shower room. Is this floral?"
Sitting beside me, Yeonseo unnie closed her eyes and leaned her nose close to my hair. The pervy old-man vibe of it rubbed me the wrong way.
"Eek, you're gonna scratch me again..."
I squinted at her, and she flinched, pulling back a bit.
[I'm sorry. Really sorry.]
All I could do was show her the apology scrawled on my whiteboard with the most pitiful expression imaginable. It wasn't on purpose. But the bodily sensations I'd felt in that pitch-black vision were nothing short of horrific for me. Goosebumps prickled my skin, and I could still feel the ghost of her hand on my body. Every time, it made me hyper-aware of my changed form—the definitely slimmer waistline, the small but budding breasts...
"Urk..."
Just picturing it made my stomach churn. I dry-heaved, feeling like I might puke, but nothing came up.
"A-Are you okay?"
Startled, Yeonseo unnie patted my back worriedly. Was this a side effect of self-loathing? Imagining myself as a girl made my head throb.
"Ughhh..."
"We're giving you supplements, but... aren't you way too weak?"
Truth be told, I wasn't in a great enough headspace to monitor my condition that closely. Plus, for nearly a year after my body started changing, I'd been holed up at home. I'd endured unimaginable pain with every shift, the agony eating away at my mind. No sunlight, so my skin was always pallid—and it still was.
"Just my personal opinion, but... your daily routine is seriously lacking in nutrients."
Spot on. I knew that much.
"Ugh..."
No arguing with that, but I still scowled uncomfortably and wrapped myself up in the blanket like a burrito. My weakened body was exhausted, utterly listless.
"Keep that up, and even good things won't get better."
In this state, early in the morning, Yeonseo unnie yanked open every curtain in my dimly lit private room. The hospital view outside and the sunlight glaring into my eyes felt brutally hot and blinding.
"Aaaaaahhh..."
"What are you, a vampire...?"
As I writhed in agony under the light, she sighed deeply and pulled the blanket away. The sunlight tormented me. The bustling world outside the window grated on my nerves. Seeing everyone moving with such energy while I lay so limp made me want to hurl.
"Don't make that depressed face. Weather's nice—how about some fresh air outside?"
Yeonseo unnie suggested it casually. Could I even go out like this? My fragile mind had no clue how far I could push it. I glanced warily out the window. Unlike my mood, the sky was clear, and people milled about normally. That's when it happened—as I watched them from afar, one man's gaze suddenly locked onto me. Our eyes met dead-on, and I jolted, shoulders shaking.
What the—?
This is the fifth floor! How could he see my face that clearly?
"Eek! Hic! Hiiiik!!!"
That chilling stare drained the color from my face. Hallucination. Had to be. But knowing that didn't make breathing any easier.
I needed something to cling to. "Hah! Hic! Heuk!!!"
"S-Sua?! What's wrong all of a sudden?!"
Even in the chaos, Yeonseo unnie's voice calling my name rang clear in my ears.
[Someone was staring at me.]
My shaky hands barely gripped the marker, scribbling crooked letters. The whiteboard alone showed how terrified I was.
"How's the fresh air?"
Her out-of-nowhere question made me turn my head slightly. Pushing my wheelchair, Yeonseo unnie met my eyes with a gentle gaze. I'd lost to her persistent convincing and stepped out—just a little. What was that stare from the room? Even briefly, it lingered in my mind.
[Sorry about earlier. I didn't cause any trouble, did I?]
"No trouble at all. Like I said before, hormones are irregular, so emotions get unstable—hallucinations too..."
Yeonseo unnie was right on the money. I'd experienced it firsthand, and even knowing it was fake, the sensation blurred with reality...
"So, what do you think? Now that you're out..."
I half-hid my face with the whiteboard, rolling only my eyes to scan around. Subtle stares prickled at me. Felt like a monkey in a zoo—I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Mommy, that big sis is so pretty!"
"Oh, what a cute kid. Out for a walk?"
Voices drifted from the darkness. An innocent child calling me "sis," a lady treating me like any normal girl... Tiny things like that sparked dissonance. No one saw me as the old male Kim Sua. Their friendly vibes held endless goodwill, but it wasn't for me—just the fake girl I'd become. Maybe even my family found this new me uncomfortable? Negative thoughts flooded in at the slightest prod. I missed Mom, but anxiety that she might reject me kept me from opening up. Part of me wished they'd erase me from their memories, like these strangers who knew nothing of my past.
"Hic... Sniff..."
I wept endlessly. Hating this situation where I had to erase myself.
"Mom, big sis is crying now. Is she hurt...?"
"Oh dear... She did look pale. Sorry, sweetie."
The mother-daughter who'd greeted me warmly now fretted over a total stranger like me. I knew it—my victim complex was shoving me deeper into isolation. Normal people like them wouldn't care about my baggage. As long as I didn't spill that I was once Kim Sua, they'd never know I'd been a guy. The more I thought, the more I felt like an utter idiot.
"Hic... Sniff..."
"Sua... Should we head back and rest?"
Yeonseo unnie suggested worriedly. Wiping nonstop tears, I shakily wrote what I wanted on the whiteboard.
[I miss Mom. I want to go to school like a normal person too.]
I bared my hidden heart to Yeonseo unnie. She widened her eyes in surprise—it didn't suit her.
"You sure you're okay? Not forcing yourself...?"
She asked, concern lacing her voice. "Hic... Sniff..." Tears plopped as I nodded.
After the short walk, Yeonseo unnie called my family for me. Soon, word came back: visits okay. Those few words rang clear in my ears.
"Tomorrow work?"
[Yes.]
"Yes, ma'am. She says tomorrow's fine."
Yeonseo unnie chuckled briefly, continuing the long call. Mom's voice was faint through the smartphone, but her joyful, sobbing cries came through crystal clear. Moments later, she ended the call and approached with her usual playful smile, stroking my hair endlessly and showering praise.
"Good job. You might not realize it, but you're one brave kid."
The praise embarrassed me, but it warmed my heart strangely. In The Matrix, there's that choice between reality and illusion. Red pill for painful truth, blue for comfortable lies. Maybe I stood at the same crossroads. Having swallowed the red pill, I'd face my family—fears and all.