Restarting an Ordinary Daily Life
“Um…… Sua……”
[Yeah?]
Yeah?
“What can I say…… Aren’t you pushing yourself a bit too hard?”
It was a bit early for lunch. Yeonseo unnie’s gaze, which had been fixed on me with a hint of worry, now wandered aimlessly into the air.
Maybe I am pushing it too hard?
Her unusual demeanor, so unlike her usual self, made that thought flit through my mind.
This was my first family visit since being admitted to the hospital. I still cursed my transformed female body, but this was reality. I couldn’t keep avoiding it forever.
Time marched on relentlessly, and I had already prepared myself to face my family.
That’s why…… I ended up making a somewhat burdensome request of Yeonseo unnie.
“I did dress you up the way you wanted…… but you don’t have to force yourself to act like that, you know?”
Yeonseo unnie, who usually teased me by calling me pretty or cute, was handling me with unusual care this time.
I flashed a bright smile at her as she averted her eyes in embarrassment.
“Gasp……”
Her face flushed bright red as she fidgeted—it was honestly quite the sight.
[Pervert.]
Pervert.
“W-What?! Who’re you calling a pervert?! I-I mean…… well…… it’s kinda awkward to say, but you really are pretty…… You could be an idol……”
Her praise, trailing off at the end, came in a more serious tone than I’d expected.
What I’d asked of Yeonseo unnie was simple, but far from trivial.
[I want to be dressed in the style that best suits my current appearance. As neatly as possible.]
I want to be dressed in the style that best suits my current appearance. As neatly as possible.
I’d phrased it carefully, beating around the bush to say I wanted to be dolled up like other girls my age, writing each character with deliberate caution.
Yeonseo unnie pondered my request for a long while, but seeing my determined expression, she finally agreed.
For the first time, I put on women’s underwear and wrapped a skirt around my waist.
The whole process felt alien and repulsive, but I had no choice but to adapt to my current situation, even if by force.
At the very least…… I didn’t want to show Mom a gloomy face……
“Oh, hold on……”
Yeonseo unnie checked her smartwatch, then hurriedly pulled out her smartphone from her pocket.
With the serious expression she wore during work, she made a call somewhere, and a few minutes later, she glanced my way.
“I just got word—your family’s arrived. They’re heading this way now.”
“……”
It was the moment I’d been bracing for. I nodded quietly and took the deepest breath I could manage.
I thought I’d steeled myself, but my heart was still pounding like mad, my breaths shallow, my mind going blank.
“Hic…… Hic……”
Every inhale brought a pathetic whimper from my lips.
Oh no, this is bad. Breathing was a struggle, and tears felt ready to burst at any second.
“Sua!!!!”
I had my eyes squeezed shut, desperately trying to steady the sobs rising in my throat, when the tightly shut door to the room burst open.
A familiar voice called my name.
“M-Mom’s here…… Mom’s here……!!”
Mom’s voice, choked with tears, called out to me.
At the sound, I instinctively opened my eyes, my gaze drawn toward her.
Mom looked even more gaunt than before my hospitalization.
She called my name once more, then rushed over without hesitation and pulled me into her arms.
The warmth of her embrace after a week eased the lump in my throat, my breathing gradually steadying.
“Ah…… Ah……”
“S-Sua……”
I tried to call out to Mom, but only pitiful babble escaped my lips.
Mom’s face twisted in sorrow at the sight.
Yeonseo unnie had explained my condition to the family beforehand—my emotional instability, my inability to speak, everything……
“I’m sorry, Mom’s so sorry…… I’m really…… so sorry…… I didn’t notice, I’m sorry!!!”
Tears streaming down her face, she repeated those words to me.
Sorry…… for not realizing……
I felt her hands trembling as she held me tight enough to suffocate.
Tears welled up in my eyes. I’d tormented myself with self-loathing to this extent, yet here was Mom, genuinely grieving, worrying even over this fake version of me, cradling me close.
I’m such an idiot. A total unfilial child, too busy hiding my situation to avoid burdening those around me.
So…… even if I hated it…… even if I despised this changed self…… I had to adapt, by force if necessary.
“S-Sua?”
I couldn’t speak, but I could act.
I silently hugged Mom’s back, then met her eyes.
I, who’d always worn a blank expression and brought gloom wherever I went…… smiled at Mom for the first time—the brightest, happiest smile I could muster now.
I’m okay. Don’t worry. That’s what I wanted to convey without words.
“Why are you smiling…… You don’t have to force it…!”
Mom turned the words back on me. In her distorted expression, I sensed a self-loathing similar to my own.
“Dear…… Sua…… We’re sorry for all this time…… We can’t even make excuses……”
Dad, who’d been standing outside the door with unnie watching us, approached cautiously.
He looked even worse than Mom—unshaven, dark circles under his eyes, utterly drained.
“Why’s everyone looking so glum?! It’s a visit! She’s healthy, right? I hate this vibe!”
Following Dad came Seo Yeon unnie, our family’s second child, barging into the room.
Whether she was faking it or genuinely hated the mood, she was exactly as I remembered—her usual self.
Seo Yeon unnie shoved past Mom and Dad, who were repeating their apologies amid their self-recriminations, and leaned right in my face.
“Hic……!”
Her face was inches from mine.
Like Yeonseo unnie, she flashed her signature refreshing grin and placed both hands on my shoulders.
“What? Now that I look, your face is pretty much the same? Just a wig, right?”
“Ah……”
“Why the skirt? Pfft! Makes me think of that time we dressed you up as a girl with my friends. You suited it so well, it was fun just watching them freak out……”
Unlike our parents, Seo Yeon unnie treated me exactly as before—playfully, without a hint of gender in her teasing, like the mischievous little sibling she loved to mess with.
“Wh-What?! What’s with the sudden……”
“Sniff…… Hic……!!”
I greeted her back with a smile, too—the brightest I could manage—throwing myself into her arms.
But…… something was off. My face was smiling, so…… why wouldn’t the tears stop?
Maybe it was the hormonal fluctuations. Or at least, that’s what I wanted to believe.
I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks.
“D-Don’t…… Don’t cry…… okay?”
Seo Yeon unnie’s face, which had been cracking wise just moments ago, began to crumple.
Soon, tears welled in her eyes too.
“You’re such an idiot…… When we get home…… I’m gonna dress you up and mess with you all I want…… so brace yourself?!”
“Uu…… Uu……!!”
I nodded vigorously at her forced-bright shout.
Dress-up or whatever—I just wanted to spend time with my family like this.
“Ha…… Now I’m gonna cry too……”
Yeonseo unnie, who’d been quietly watching us sob in each other’s arms, wiped at her eyes.
“You siblings…… are really close……”
There was a heavy sadness in Yeonseo unnie’s voice.
“Doctor……”
Mom turned her gaze toward Yeonseo unnie.
Yeonseo unnie was a patient of the gender transformation disease like me, and one who’d been through a lot after succumbing to the same self-loathing.
During our occasional psychiatric sessions, she’d share stories from her days as a man.
She’d served in the military, majored in cosmetology instead of medicine, and drifted through university like anyone else.
Then the disease shattered her everyday life in an instant.
The physical pain was agony, and the hormonal shifts and overwhelming fear drove her repeatedly toward death.
It was her own older sister who set her straight, she said.
Whenever she told these stories, Yeonseo unnie always cut them short there.
Even though her sister had saved her, she showed a clear reluctance to talk about her—there had to be some backstory.
But since I was going through the same pain, I never pried too deeply into her past.
“Hahaha, glad we did this visit! At this rate, you might even be discharged by the end of the week?”
Her beaming smile and lively voice were just like always.
But…… the way she looked at us was…… profoundly lonely.