Restarting an Ordinary Daily Life. (2)
The family visit went smoothly. We spent the time clearing up the grudges from the past year that we hadn't been able to address, having the conversations we'd always wanted. My second oldest sister still teased me mercilessly with her annoying pranks, while Mom scolded her with a smiling face, telling her not to torment me. Dad quietly watched over us all. With vitality returning to his face, he kept repeating his thanks to Yeonseo unnie, even bowing his head to her in a way that didn't suit him at all. It was the first time I'd ever seen Dad like that.
Yeonseo unnie didn't seem flustered by Dad's sincere gesture at all. Instead, she brushed it off by saying it was fun having a little sister now. I wondered if a doctor should really say something like that in front of a patient whose body and mind had been wrecked... but...
Well... that's just how she is...
Suddenly, it struck me that even this awkward side of her was just another mask to hide her true self, like mine. Maybe her tomboyish personality was the same—a face she put on to conceal the real her...
"First off, like I said before, there's no issue with your health at all. You could be discharged right now if you want."
"R-Really, Doctor?"
I could be discharged immediately if I wanted. Mom's face lit up with joyful color at the welcome news.
"Of course, only if the patient wants it. Your sex hormones are still irregular, and there will be plenty of inconveniences in daily life..."
But Yeonseo unnie was a doctor, no matter how she seemed. She didn't just deliver the good news coldly. And for me, now turned into a girl, everything she mentioned about what lay ahead was filled with realistic worries about whether I could handle it.
The emotional swings I was already feeling intensely. The brain is an organ affected by the body, she said, and from some point on, starting with sexual preferences, everything would gradually align with my body. Regardless of my will, someday I might develop feelings for men, or take an interest in things that appeal to women's tastes. I might feel a huge disconnect from my changing preferences and suffer mental stress because of it.
"And... this is a bit sensitive... Uh... Never mind. I'll talk about this separately with the patient later."
Yeonseo unnie glanced at me cautiously, holding back her words—unlike her fluent explanations just moments ago, she seemed somehow unnatural.
"Anyway, to sum it up, she can be discharged, right?"
Seo Yeon unnie, who had been sitting quietly listening, suddenly jumped to her feet. Her face was full of anticipation, like she wanted to drag me home right then.
"Hehe, you really love having a little sister, huh?"
"Of course! I want to dress her up in the clothes I wore when I was little."
"So faithful to your desires...?"
Even the great Yeonseo unnie looked flustered in front of Seo Yeon unnie, who boldly stated what she wanted. She gave an awkward smile, her brow twitching.
[Pervert]
"Who's a pervert?!"
Seo Yeon unnie overreacted to those two short words and came right up to me.
"Auuugh..."
"Come on, write it one more time?"
With a face full of mischief, she grabbed both my cheeks and stretched them out. I let out a short groan at the sensation of my cheeks pulling, flailing my arms up and down in protest. I couldn't even speak, so I couldn't tell her to stop. Mom and Dad didn't intervene, just watched us fondly with smiles.
I didn't know what to say, so I thought of Yeonseo unnie's usual behavior patterns and wrote on the whiteboard.
[Don't just eat ramen—take care of your health.]
I blankly held out the whiteboard with the writing to her, as usual.
"...That's something I should be saying to you, right?"
Her reaction was pretty amusing. She scratched her cheek with a troubled look, then pushed my back, saying the family was waiting and to hurry along. Now dressed in neat women's clothes—not patient garb anymore—I was practically chased out of the room.
"Ah, why'd it take so long? I was starting to think I'd die of boredom waiting!"
Seo Yeon unnie grabbed my hand, venting her complaints as if she'd been waiting. Mom and Dad followed with gentle smiles.
"Is it really okay to discharge her?"
"You don't have to force yourself to wear women's clothes..."
[I'm fine. I'm a girl now. I've gotten used to it.]
I lied. But to my parents, who worried without pushing a woman's life on me outright, I wanted to at least show them I was okay. I hated seeing their sad faces like that.
It had been a short stay, but after a month, I was officially discharged. The disease was so rare that I'd have to visit the hospital regularly for check-ups and counseling with Yeonseo unnie, but still, I was finally free from this stifling place.
Heading home. A subtle anticipation for a fresh start settled in one corner of my chest.
But Seo Yeon unnie, checking the whiteboard, narrowed her eyes and slipped behind me.
"You sure you're used to it? Your underwear's showing..."
"Eek?!"
The sensation on my butt made my eyes widen reflexively. I whipped my head around to see unnie's hand smoothing the hem of my skirt and fixing my clothes.
"If you react that cutely... guys won't leave you alone?"
Guys won't leave me alone? Honestly, I couldn't picture it. My body was now perfectly female, but my mind was still fully male. I felt a definite revulsion at the thought of seeing men romantically, and imagining men's gazes on me that way...
[I don't know. Will I really come to like guys?]
I tried to smile blankly like it was no big deal, but the hand holding the whiteboard trembled without me realizing. Shaking off the fear etched into my body was still so hard.
"Why think about that already?"
She scolded me for bringing down the mood right after discharge. Yeah, it was my first time out in ages. I couldn't mope over things that hadn't even happened yet. Pressing down my trembling hand as much as possible, I mustered the brightest smile I could and approached my parents.
[Let's hurry home.]
"Yeah, stuck in the hospital for a month must've been suffocating. You did so well."
Dad offered his hand with a kind smile. I couldn't refuse his caring gesture, worried as he was about my weakened body. When I carefully took his hand and got in the car with the family, it finally hit me that I was really going home.
As the car pulled away, the hospital receded into the distance. I leaned back in the seat and slowly caught my breath.
"Sua, it's been a while since you went out... Is there anything you want to eat?"
Dad, driving silently, asked me cautiously. With the question, his gaze briefly went to the scar on my right wrist. His eyes, fixed on my wound that would never fade, looked so sad.
"Hehe..."
I forced a laugh like it was nothing. There was no need for him to worry about me that much... Not wanting to create an awkward atmosphere, I hurriedly scribbled something on the whiteboard.
[Can I go back to school?]
"Uh... Of course you can. But if you don't want to, I wouldn't force you."
[I want to go. Ideally, your school where you work.]
"That might be tough because of the statute of limitations... We'll think about that once we're home."
With that, the car fell quiet again. Only the soft music from the radio filled the space. Before long, we turned into the familiar alley, and the scenery outside the window shifted back to something comfortably known. It was a road I'd traveled countless times, but today it felt strangely different.
"Alright, we're home."
And so, after a month, I returned home. Unlike back then when it was just dark and lonely, seeing our house again felt fresh.
[I'll go unpack first.]
Excited by the welcoming sight, I grabbed my bags and opened the front door.
"Ah, you're back? It's the end of the semester anyway, and Sua's been sick, so... Huh?"
As I stepped inside, a familiar voice came from inside the entryway. The face I met right away stared at me, unable to continue.
"............"
Silence fell. I'd expected we'd meet eventually, but I never dreamed it'd be like this with my brother.
While I was hospitalized, the family—including relatives—already knew about my condition to some extent. Naturally, Ji Hoon knew I'd become a girl.
"Um... No way... Sua? Is that really you, Kim Sua...?"
[Bro. Long time no see.]
I wrote on the whiteboard with a bright smile toward my brother, whom I hadn't seen in a year. He was anxious but kind. Strict, sure, but always good to us siblings. So... even in this form, I had a sliver of hope he'd treat me the same as Seo Yeon unnie would. I'd decided to adapt to this forced femininity. At the very least, I wanted some small reward from that harsh reality.
His reaction toward me was...
"No way... that's a lie, right...?"
Completely different from what I'd expected.